Fred 78

Issue 78

Magazine

CA                  Under New Management...

Hi again.  It's me, your roving, raring, ridiculous, ready to
please and really sexy editor.  Joining me today is none other
than celebrity super-hero Spider-man.  You know, I'd always
imagined he'd be a bit more than 5 inches tall.  And I never in
my wildest dreams imagined he'd be made of plastic.

It's all a bit strange not having Colin Macdonald as my boss
anymore.  I sent him an e-mail telling him that I hated him the
other day, and that he couldn't do anything about it because he
doesn't pay me now.  Ho hooo.

I still haven't spoken to new FRED boss, Darren Wileman.  I've
been working (in the broadest sense of the word) for him for 16
days now, and not a word.  Yippee!  Hopefully he won't pay too
much attention to my mistakes and swearing and all that too.

I had to pay Allan yesterday too.  I tried avoiding him by
staying in pubs for the whole week, but he caught me up.  And
boy, does it hurt handing over money.  Ouch.
CA                          Chin Up

On the positive side of this month's events, I've designed a new
Scalextric layout which fits perfectly in my room, and also
ensures fairness by making each lane have the same number of
inside corners.  It's got a bridge, too!

Now that's annoying.  Someone's set the fire alarms off again.
How inconvenient.  It happens every day.  I got woken up by them
yesterday - admittedly it was 5pm, but that's still no excuse
for being crap at cooking.  Incidentally, I was only in bed that
late because I'd been to see The Ozric Tentacles the night
before.  The place was open until 6 in the morning and as I
wasn't high on drugs, unlike most people there, I had to drink
bottles of "Pro Plus Adrenaline Drink" to stay awake.
Unfortunately, this meant that when I got back, I only managed
four hours sleep.  And that's why I was asleep in the afternoon.
What's worse is that I dribbled all over my pillow while I was
asleep.


CA                     FREE FRED VOUCHERS

Yes, that's right, folks.  You can get FREE FRED vouchers,
simply by filling in this form (or a written by you version)

----------------------------------------------------------------

             Free Voucher Form    Ref:  16996632A4

YES, I would like a free FRED voucher of £5 or £10 value!  I
agree to tell no-one of this, and I enclose no money.  I
understand that no further obligation is required and I enclose
a contribution for the main menu as thanks.  I furthermore
understand that if the contribution does not make it onto the
main menu, then my form will mysteriously get lost in the post.

Signed________________________________   Date ________________

----------------------------------------------------------------


CA                 Easy Peasy One Two Three

If anyone has a spare plug adaptor they don't want, then I'd be
grateful if you could get in touch with me through Darren and
post it to me.  It's becoming increasingly annoying that I can't
listen to music, do FRED and play scalextric at the same time.
Where am I supposed to get inspiration from?  Boy, it's tough
being at the top...

Erm, I scored 140 during a game of darts this morning...

Nice weather.

Tum tum.  Rat a tat tat.

Ooh, I know - topical joke.  As Star Wars is hitting the big
screen again (yippee), here's a classic gag.

Q: How did Luke Sywalker know what he was getting from Darth
   Vader for Christmas?
A: He felt his presents! (presence)
CA           I Know Of A Man Who's In Love With Me

Hi, it's April now.  You'll all be pleased to know that the
take-over of FRED has been completed successfully, and Darren is
now ready to start shipping out FRED.  Which means I have to do
some work and get this issue finished.  Sigh.  I was really
looking forward to getting my head down into some university
week too (ho ho).

I've written a cracking show/nights out report.  It's 30K long,
and contains a massive 3608 words.  The third part is the best
bit.  Is it considered vain if you read through something you've
written yourself and laugh a lot?

OK, well, as I've done so much, I'll leave Allan to attempt some
humour and probably add billions of comments in my glossy new
editorial bit.  But I'm off now to work out the final FFL points
and see if I can't fix it so that I win.

Byyeyeeyyeeeee.

AC                     Kreeeeeeeeeeegah!


  Hello, my Fred chums.  What a long time it's been since Fred
77, eh?  And you know what? It's ALL Colin's fault!  He only
sent his bits to me a week before the Gloucester show, the week
that I also started Uni again, and the week in which I had to
get Crashed out.  And he missed lots of stuff off it, too - the
interlaced thing didn't have all of it's files there!  And wait
'til you read what he's said about the Gloucester show later...


  Anyway, enough slagging off Colin, what's been happening
recently?  Well... I'm in a band now (bass guitar) so I need you
all to help think of a name (seriously). We don't want anything
grungey or heavy... try your best, eh?


  Some French dudes have moved into my flat, too. They're very
nice people, though I haven't a clue what they're saying most of

AC                       French People

the time. Never mind, eh?


  The Gloucester Show has also happened... Colin Macdonald put
in an appearance, as did Ian Slavin, Chris White, Cookie, and
most of the other regulars.  It was a quiet day, customer-wise,
but the April ones usually are quieter than the October ones.
It was good fun, though, as they always are!  Our new boss
Darren Wileman broke convention by brining a female along, and
Colin Piggot had an incredible 3-D game for sale, which looks
incredible.  No, really!


  I don't know what else to put here...  I know!  I'll finish
now...




CA                            News

The first bit of news I've got may interest many of you.  It's a
bit old, but I found it on the WEB pages, and it explains what
has happened to Blitz disc magazine, written by Steven
"Pickasso" Pick.

Steven says that since starting his course, BA Hons Animation,
he's had to drop everything on the SAM front and concentrate on
studies.  I'll let Pickasso continue...

"Malcolm Mackenzie, my boss, has hounded me a few times about
what has happened with Blitz, and whether I will be going on
with it.  The answer is sadly, no.  Producing Samdisk's 1-16 for
so long was enjoyable, though doing Blitz was something else -
it seemed that I wasn't 100% in contact with Malcolm, or my old
mate, Dave Ledbury.  It seemed that there was confusion over
titles, as well as lack of payment over several things including
(at the time of writing) Blitz 2.  I have half the code of Blitz
3 on disk, though they can whistle dixie if they're going to get
it."
AC                            News

Allan's interruption:

   As an interesting aside, Mat Beal, editor of Persona's paper
based Z2 magazine, is interviewed by Mark Sturdy in the latest
issue of Crashed (£1.50, plug plug!).  Here's a relevant
extract:

Did you enjoy doing Z2?
"No."

Why not?
"I don't want to say anything nasty about David [Ledbury,
Persona's 2nd in command. -AC]... It was just one disaster after
another."


   So there y'go.  Draw your own conclusions!  Back to Colin...


CA                            News

You'll be pleased to know we're testing Darren's management
skills to the full by making this issue really close to the
show, meaning he has to stay up all night to be in with the
smallest chance of getting it out on time.  Hee hee.

       ** [I've left this in to embarrass Colin!  -AC] **

The show is in April and is on Saturday the 19th of April.  It
will give you the chance to check out the new driving force
behind FRED and hopefully Kaboom! will be on sale.  Allan will
be there, so you can tell him how he's much better than me (I
know he isn't, but it'll make him feel better).  I'm hoping to
be there - it all depends on when I get back to Nottingham.  I'm
going to try to make it, but I may be going back on the same
day.

Regardless of me, please try and make it.  The success of this
show will DIRECTLY determine whether there is another Leeds show
this year.
CA                            News

  As you should all know by now, the show will be held at the
Wetherby village hall which is situated right next to Tesco's in
Wetherby.  Wetherby is an easy drive not far away from
Gloucester.  If you can read a map, then you can make it to the
show.  If you want to get a bus to Wetherby, there are regular
ones from Gloucester bus station.  If you're having trouble
getting a bus to Gloucester, catch one to Cheltenham because it
is only a quick city-hopper journey to Gloucester.
  Look out for Simon Cooke who is planning on swimming from Lee
Willis' house in The Wirral along the mersey, down to Wales,
then climbing a mountain, handgliding to Cheltenham where he
will go up in a plane to 6000ft and parachute safely towards
Wetherby, then through the side doors of Wetherby Hall at
precisely 11:30am.

[The more astute readers may have noted that the show is in
Quedgeley, NOT Wetherby, which is approx. 200 miles away. Colin
was probably drunk when he wrote the above nonsense!  -AC]

CA   Fantastically Fantastic Finale To Fantasy FRED League

OK, here we go.  This is it.  With the show looming on the
horizon, this is the final Fantasy FRED League table.

Can I say a big thanks to everyone who entered.  Thankfully, we
got a good number of people joining in - how embarrassing would
it have been to have a competition every month between Colin
MacD and I over who scored most?

Anyway, you don't care about all that - you're itching to know
the final league positions.  Here's a small scale I've done so
you can see how good a SAM boff you are:

  POINTS                       RATING
  90-110    Wow.  You know everything.  [I know I do!  -AC]
  80-90     You're dead clever.  Have a pat on the back.
  60-80     Feel pleased - you're better than average.
  50-60     Hmm.  A bit disappointing.  Go back to school.
  41-50     Rubbish.  Write 1000 lines saying "I'm crap"
  40-00     Go outside and shoot yourself. This means you Dean!
CA                      The Final Table

         First up, those glory boys in the top half...


   Team Name                               Manager        Score

01 Scotland                            Colin Macdonald      103
02 The Crashed Crusaders               Allan Clarkson       096
03 "Headless"                          Stefan Drissen       089
04 I'll Cheat If I Start Losing...     Colin Anderton       087
05 Crikey...My Wig Is On Fire!         Andrew Chandler      086
06 Frank Broughton Appreciation Soc.   Mark Sturdy          077
07 Children Of Satan (ahem)            Stephen McGreal      074
08 Team Mango Chutney                  Matt Vowles          065
== Real Nice World                     Andrew Collier       065
10 Sentai Power Sammers NL             Robert Van Der Veeke 061
== What's In A Name?                   A. Francis           061



CA                      The Bottom Half

           And finally, the guessers at the bottom...


   Team Name                               Manager        Score

12 Scorpion Soft Productions Team (?)  Paul Dudley          057
== Blue Foot United                    Stewart Skardon      057
14 Happy Slug Productions              Tim Paveley          056
15 NewZealandStory                     Howard Price         051
16 Death By Electricity                Doug Young           045
17 I Still Use My Sam, Honest..        Dave Handley         044
18 Some Dead Good People               Graham Goring        043
19 James Curry's Team Of SAM Wierdos   James Curry          043
20 Har Har Har                         Sylvia               042
21 The Kick Butt Crew.                 Mark Bennett         041
22 Crap Games Co.                      Dean Nicholas        040



CA                    Fantasy FRED League

Colin Macdonald amazes everyone again.  He goes and wins the
Fantasy FRED League.  As it'd be pretty silly to give Colin six
months free subscription to FRED, it'll have to go to the runner
up, Alla- hang on, that's stupid too.  So congratulations, Colin
and Allan, but as with most competitions, employees can't win
the prizes, so Stefan - congratulations, you win by default!

A much more exciting battle ensued at the bottom of the table.
I was frankly amazed.  Howard Price and Mark Bennett had
squabbled over who got to sit at the bottom for the last six
months.  The only question was who would be there on the last
issue.  Amazingly, Price pulled his secret weapon out on the
last lap, amassing a huge 13 points (over a third of what it'd
taken him 10 months to make), and shooting him into the dizzy
heights of 15th place.  So, Bennett's Kick Butt crew were dead
and buried.  But no!  Six last gasp points from Mark sent him
crawling away from doom, making Dean Nicholas the loser by ONE
POINT!!!  Bet you wish you'd written just one more PD review, eh
Dean?  Well done, Dean "Butt Kicked" Nicholas - you win a spoon.
CA                         FFL 97/98

Right, I've already had requests to re-run Fantasy FRED League
again.  I was a little dubious of this, expecting the dazzle to
be gone.  However, I am perfectly happy to have another year of
madness.  The teams that are currently there will be scrapped so
that everything in started off from new.  The prices of people
will probably be modified, the points system is going to remain
pretty much the same (possibly with a couple of additions) and
the same program is going to be used.

Start planning your team now, and if you have any ideas, please
write to me via Darren and I'll certainly consider using them.

Remember, if FFL was just a section which was irrelevant to you
and got in the way, you've got a chance now to make it something
more to read.  It'll only go ahead if we have enough teams, so
if you want the editorials to be longer, you know what to do.

It's the taking part that counts (no steroids though).

CA                       Disc Contents

This issue is quite a looking and utilising issue.  No games to
be seen in fact - but don't let that upset you because to begin
we've got a fantastic demo called "Cute Demo" from Martijn
Groen!  Hurrah!  Some more classic converted Speccy music, two
simultaneous and three different scrollies and some awesome
graphics from Robert Van Der Veeke.  More top class stuff from
our foreign desk.

It's been a long time since Matt Round sent anything in.  So,
what a shock when I saw this!    It's a clever little video
playback demo.  The one included is massive and is of the Star
ship enterprise, but you can make your own relatively simply.

* The .VCR files simply consist of a series of 128x96 (quarter-
screen) PUT blocks, each 6147 bytes long. Each file can have a
maximum of 60 frames, and must be exactly 6147*no.-of-frames
bytes long.

* The full-screen display routine isn't exactly lightning fast,
CA                       Disc Contents

as it doesn't disable interrupts and isn't optimised. Using
MasterBASIC will improve speed by around 10%, or change the SIZE

Next up we have an incredibly useful utility.  It's used for
copying MS-DOS discs or files onto a SAM disc, and is presented
in a handy and simple desktop environment.  The only snag is
that you can't call up SAM directories, but it is never the less
very helpful.  Can I hear people calling for an updated version
already?  I am...

Firstly, the keys:

F1/F2 = directory of drive 1/2  <>
   F3 = change target drive
   F7 = copies a complete MS-DOS disc
   F8 = copies a complete SAM disc
   F9 = return to Basic
    m = select mouse
    c = select cursor keys, return and control
CA                       Disc Contents

To copy a file from a MS-DOS disc to a SAM disc insert a MS-DOS
disc, DIR, right button to load, insert SAM disc, right button
to save that file. When you get a Basic error message, press F4,
insert a disc with enough free space on it, press right button
to save that file.

left button or return   = view length of file
right button or control = load/save file

And this diamond of code is from Martijn Groen!  Hurrah!

Another utility also on this disc is unerase.  If you
accidentally erase a file which you wanted (as I'm sure we've
all done at some point), this little utility will get it back
for you.  All you need to do is select it and specify which file
type it was.  Go on, test it out on your new FRED disc (I accept
no responsibility for loss).  Remember though, this only works
on ERASEd files and not formatted discs.  Keys:

CA                       Disc Contents

                  F1/F2 = directory of drive 1/2
                     F9 = Basic
                      m = select mouse
                      c = select cursor keys, return and control
  left button or return = unerase a file
right button or control = select file type

And, yes, it's from Matrijn Groen!  Hurrah!

Something I haven't seen for a while comes next - it's one of
those clever interlaced screens.  More colours than possible and
more detail than ever dreamed off, all because human responses
are slow (or something).  It's a picture of a car, and looks a
little like my FRED company car. Cheers to David Simmonds.

Also, we should have The Useless Ones, as long as I gave Allan
the disc and didn't lose it.  Also, we have a great show report.
And e-tunes.  And modules.  And FFL!  And screens.  And letters.
And the editorial, and adverts, and music reviews - for £2! Wow.
CA        Thank The Lord For Creating These People...

BABY SPICE  : DARREN "Because he's all shiny and new" WILEMAN
SPORTY SPICE: COLIN "Because nobody likes him" ANDERTON
GINGER SPICE: ALLAN "Because he's not scarey or posh" CLARKSON
OLD SPICE   : COLIN "Because he uses it and he's gone" MACDONALD



And all those exercising                  Our new address is:
Girl Power are:
                                           Fred Publishing
Martijn Groen                              [redacted]
David Simmonds
Matt Round
Howard Price
    and
.............. (insert your
                name here!)


AC                         An Apology






  I would like to apologise for not writing much this issue, but
Colin has left me so much to do that I've not much time...!




  That and I'm a lazy bastard.

Letters & Reviews

                    Letter From Howard Price

Spurious greetings from the doomed planet of Ephemera.

Let me take you on a trip through a week in the life of the
curious Fred disk that will, one day, belong to me:

Orphaned from it's parents in the great plastic moulds, the
newly-created disk wings it's way to the bulk manufacturer's
vaults, then on, onward, and upward to the great duplicator's
pressing and copying factory (CheapunNasty's, Dundee). There it
will have it's identity stamped on it forever, as A Fred Disk.

Destined to find it's way into one of my disk boxes and then to
spend an eternity waiting for me to load it up, briefly, to see
if it's the issue with X on it. But before then, there is a
twist in the story. Because I'm a student, and have never taken
my Sam with me before, little did I know that it would have to
go to St.Albans, which used to be my home, and is now just where
my parents live. (The one with the water bug, like Delhi belly.
Cool) THEN they send it on. But have they?
                    Letter From Howard Price

You see, over the last few months, my parents, who've not been
known to lie through their teeth that often, have said they
always send on the Fred disks. And yet, in '97 I have seen
precious little evidence of aforementioned disks.....

Also, because I threw away all the envelopes with the expiry
issue, I even thought my sub had run out!

You're going to have to get your arse into gear and set
individual last dates for inclusion for each issue, I'm afraid.
You're going to have to warn people or mail them that the next
issue's going to be late, or something. The price of a stamp
won't go up if you send two disks in one go, so there's no loss
in writing and saying this issue is late.

(flight of fancy coming up)

If that sounds too pricey still, I suppose we could set up a
vast phone tree, where I get a phone call from someone and pass
                    Letter From Howard Price

on the message to two people. If everyone did this it wouldn't
take SO long to get the message round. But it would mean the
line could get broken easily. And it's a lot of hassle.

Maybe it's not such a good idea.

Anyone else got some thoughts? The gaping holes that appear
really get me worried, like Fred's just stopped trading or
something.

   * * * WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF HOWARD MOANING, ALLAN! * * *
                                 Underground, overground... -Tob

PS I'm doing a lot of work with sprites at the moment, and found
that Marc Broster's Stack Pointer Sprite Builder is not only
fast, but also unbelievably dodgy. Sprites get skewed left and
right, but the main problem is saving off the built routines.
Erm, anyway, if you *do* want to use it, modify the prog, thus:

                    Letter From Howard Price

100 GET ke: INPUT "Sprite?";file$:LOAD file$ DATA s$
240 LET routlen=DPEEK (a+&2000)-&A000:PRINT "Length of routine =
 ";routlen;" bytes"
270 GET a:CLS:INPUT "Save name";file$:SAVE file$ CODE 122887,
routlen:CALL 0:REM If you're doing many frames, reload each time

It's off Fred 59, by the way, so it can't really be that
popular, if no-one wants to use it til now! My main problem is
that there's not enough spaces on the disk for all my built
sprites... That's because it's a race game, with 13 animations
for each bit of scenary... Probably won't see the light of day,
but the graphics are okay... I'll send 'em in, see what anyone
can do with them (Andrew Collier?? (!))






CA                   Reply To Howard Price

OK, fair enough.  I can appreciate your problem.  Getting a disk
out within a month of the previous one is my main objective.
There's always been two things that stop this happening.

The first is that I'm constantly being taken out by girls.
Well, busy anyway.  Work, work, life, work and excuses take up a
lot of my time.  That's why I begged for more text articles.
That's why I said I wasn't going to write as much.  And in the
end, that's why I brought Allan in.  Between us, we can easily
produce all the material required in one month.

Problem one solved.

The second problem is that contributions are low.  Frighteningly
low at times.  There's no way an issue can go out if we haven't
got enough stuff to put on it.  We just have to hold out and
hope something will drop through the letterbox.  The whole
reason issues have been late recently is purely for this reason.
At the moment there's a small circle of people who contribute,
CA                   Reply To Howard Price

but, as is becoming increasingly evident, they're all falling
into problem one.  That's why I need other people to start
programming.  It's not too late, no matter what you think.  It
doesn't have to be good - there's nothing better than receiving
contributions from the same person once every couple of months
and watching the standard rise with each one.

My other aim is to make sure FRED reaches issue 100.  Ideally,
I'd like this to happen sometime before the millenium, so please
keep (or start) contributing.

THEN we can get issues out on time.  Simple as that.

Don't panic though - FRED WILL NEVER SUDDENLY STOP.  I
personally guarantee it.  For one thing, it's illegal, and for
another, I don't want to see such a well worked and
professionally written disczine have such a humiliating death.
That'd be such a waste. Just hang on, and each issue will
continue to come.  We just need your help.
                   Letter From Peter Holmes

Dear Allan and Colin,

    I'd just like to congratulate Mr McGreal on a fabulous game.
It's been a while since we've had these sort of Gamesmaster
games on, and a welcome return too.  More, please!

    Secondly, I've placed an order for Kaboom!  What's the
latest on that?  I saw it at the Leeds show and it looks
fantastic.

    There you go, short but sweet!

                       Yours sincerely,

                         Peter Holmes




CA                   Reply To Peter Holmes

Kaboom! is lingering on, I know.  Have patience, it's all but
finished.  Wayne assures me it'll be ready in the next few days.
We're threatening to dock his pay if it's not out soon!



AC

Latest at Gloucester  -  the game's finished but the manuals
aren't...  Hang on in there, you'll have it soon!

  Glad you liked Colin's Time Trousers. How's about another one,
Steven? (You can put me in it this time! With my new haircut!
Ooh! Aah! Simper!)





HP    - The Music section again (wow! two in a row???) -

Aah, the  sights and  smells of a  fully working  student house.
That sock's  still  not dry!    Ha!ha!ha!ha!   Oh,  I love  this
existence,  wandering  around  at  midday in  just  your  pants,
accidentally showing  your goolies to your  female housemates...
What self-respecting student *wouldn't* like this?

Of course,  there is  the down side  that there's  lectures this
afternoon,  but hey! life can't all be a perfect lazy haven.  Or
can it???   Write in with your  experience of perfect  laziness,
usual address (though  I won't be able to  comment, of course)..
It's my  sneaking suspicion  that  retired people  have it  even
easier than  me, and  they have the  knowledge that  no-one will
suddenly say "stop idling and DO something, man!!".  But that's
just heresay.  Until then, it's the easy life.

And me and  my Sam sitting in the corner,  of course, with Blur,
No Doubt  and Space on  the stereo,  to the left  of me.   Well,
let's get to it then, what are you?  An ME sufferer or what??!
(no offence, like!)...
HP                           Music

Space - Spiders

Quite old, this  one, you know.   But with  the release of  Dark
Clouds about  to  get them  momentarily  in the  music  programs
(OZone,  etc)  maybe  you  won't  notice how  long  ago  it  was
released.   Space  are  a strange  entity.   Definitely  defying
categorisation, but  about to  be  snapped up  in the  No  Doubt
craze in USA.  More on that later.

If you haven't ever  heard a Space  track before, you're in  for
a) a  bit  of  a kicking  (ha!  just  my little  joke,  all  you
tone-deaf people out there)  and b) sort of less  ridiculous Ska
and Mexican/40's  style singing.   Sounds an  awful combination,
but it's  been done before  a lot (anyone  remember the Fun  Boy
Three from the 80's?).   And it's absolutely wonderful.

If you don't believe  me, check out the  singles (Neighbourhood,
Female of the  Species, Me and You  vs the World, and  now, Dark
Clouds), which were  all at odds with the  music scene when they
HP                           Music

were first released  (everyone was completely into Oasis  then -
Knebworth  and all  that).   Not  only are  they  interesting to
listen to (no quick-and-easy 4-chords-a-bar  stuff, and *always*
with good tunes) but  they also like to experiment  with sounds,
so  you  don't  just  get  the  same  guitar  all  through,  for
instance:

The keyboard man in it is really  into drum n bass, etc etc,  so
not only does he get a track all to himself  ("Growler"), but he
also adds  in samples from films and  weird effects over the top
of the songs.   Remember the xylophone in Female of the Species,
in the introduction?

Now listen to  the rest  of the album,  (standout tracks  Mister
Psycho,  Money, No-one Understands  and Drop Dead)  and you also
get  a sense of comedy - utterly missing in loads of music - all
the way  through from  "Encore Une  Fois" to  Alisha's Attic  to
Elastica.

HP                           Music

Have  I missed anything?   Well, there  is the  odd dodgy track,
like "Charlie M", which I don't even recall,  it was that bland.
But  then you  DO get  14 tracks  (at last  bands are  giving us
decent value for money), and lots of Spiders on the front.

One  last piece of  advice - get  hold of Spiders  the B-side to
Me and You...   It's ace:"She's afraid of the Spiders and afraid
of the dark, she's  afraid of the boogeyman in the  park. But if
anybody comes near me, I know she'll cut their balls off."










HP                           Music

No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom

The American  Space: infinitely better-looking, a  hundred times
more successful,  and half as  good.  Lucky  I copied it  off my
mate Ian, eh?

Actually, that opening  paragraph isn't really fair  on them, as
they  haven't  copied anything  off  Space,  they were  probably
there first.   But  they did used  to be  a lot  more Ska  (like
Madness, as opposed to 2-Tone bands (The  Specials, The Selector
etc etc)), and they have retained that brassy type of sound.

You  know  less No  doubt than  you  think.   To be  honest, the
"Don't  speak"  hit on this has been played  to death, and since
I'm  scared of  silence, I've  heard it  too much on  the radio.
However,  they  have  released  "Just a  Girl"  before,  and  it
plummeted  out  of public  recognition  almost  immediately.   I
don't know why, as short bursts of No Doubt are fantastic:

HP                           Music

Just A  Girl has a great riff that sounds like Green Day playing
Oom-pah riffs with extra Hammond organ thrown in,  and Different
People is equally ripsnorting.   They put  the title track  last
so people would remember it for it's  tune progression (it  goes
down, and down, and DOWN! Very tragic), which is great.

However,  this time  you  get  the feeling  that  the 14  tracks
aren't really the same  standard as Space's, and they would have
done better  to cut the dross  out, later on.   Most people will
forget the  brilliant vocal warbling  thing she does  on "Excuse
me Mister"  by the  time they  have to  drag themselves  through
"You can  Do it".   Which is  a pity,  because when  they can be
bothered to write whole songs, it's a glorious sound.

Oh God, I'm turning into a sad reviewer.  "Glorious Sound"???!!

No Doubt  the  band are  apparantly  really modest  about  their
success - they sold about 5 million of the currant album in  USA
and managed to be number one in  the album charts (American) and
HP                           Music

singles charts  (Britain), which  is clever.   It's  not  really
that surprising that the album  hasn't done so well here though,
as Mansun  have just  released their  excellant  "Attack of  the
Grey Lantern" album,  and this is just a bit  mediocre to make a
comeback after such being  released such a  long time ago  (last
year,  I think).    Oh  well.  Record  it off  your mate, that's
what I say.  And finally tonight...












HP                           Music

Blur - Blur

Bands  deliberately  do this,  don't  they,  so  I look  a  fool
writing  their name  twice.   Is  it "Blur"  by Blur?  or Blur's
"Blur"?  I go  with the second one, but that's only cos the last
two reviews have the title second.  ...  Okay, so I'm bored!

Blur have got a lot of stick from the music press about changing
their sound,  and  I  suppose  it's healthy  for  the  press  to
question  bands, but  this seems  unfair on  them in  this case.
Just how  much of  the  "Life" trilogy  do  you want?    They've
invented  Britpop, so  there are a  million other  bands who can
carry it  on (Sleeper  especially, as  they've actually  got the
right  idea,  when  Radiohead  and  the  Longpigs aren't  really
Britpop).  Also,  they've done three  whole (long!) albums,  and
countless singles, they deserve a bit of a break.
After all, it's all Blur, which Blur do best really.

So  it's  a  big  surprise when  this  album  turns  out  to  be
HP                           Music

structurally identical to Parklife.  It's almost a parody.
They  have,  on  a  superficial  level,  the  fast  "hit"  songs
("Beetlebum"  is "To    the  End",  Then you've  got  "MOR"  and
"Song2"), then there's almost a miracle correlation:

You're so Great                 = Far Out (token not Damon song)
Movin' on                       = Jubilee (speedy album filler)
Chinese Bombs                   = Bank Holiday (1m30s punk song)
Essex Dogs                      = Lot 105 (last song weirdo one)
Look Inside America             = Magic America (USA is great!)
Theme from Retro                = Debt Collector (odd waltz)
Strange News from Another Star  = This is a Low (atmos. heavy)
Beetlebum                       = To The End (hit - sad one)
Song 2                          = Girls & Boys (bound tba hit)
Country Sad Ballad Man          = Tracy Jacks
MOR                             = Parklife (bound tba hit)
I'm just a killer for your love = Badhead (melancholic ballad)
On your Own                     = Clover Over Dover
Death of a Party                = End of a Century
HP                           Music

With only  a couple of ones  left over (London Loves  and Touble
in   the   Message  Centre   from   "Parklife",  which   are  my
favourite!).   Luckily Parklife is an astounding  record, and if
you  can get  used to the  surplus surface noise  of "Blur", and
the occasional distorted vocals, you should love this.
Also, I might  add that the best  song is definately "You're  So
Great",  a  Graham  Coxon  one,  which  is  nice,  cos  he's  my
favourite Blur bloke.  Who's your's?

Well,   I  hope  you've  enjoyed   our  time  together  today...
Sometimes  it just  gets so  hard to sit  back and  enjoy the...
*finer* things in life!  So, until the next time...  Ta-ta!

Heheh.  Next time, if I can  get hold of the stuff in time (this
ain't  cheap, you know) we'll  probably be reviewing that Mansun
album I mentioned before, and maybe some Beck, U2, 18 Wheeler or
you never know, I might take the piss out of Veruca Salt!  Don't
hold  your breath though, I'm not  completely stupid.  What have
they been telling you?                                      -Tob

Show Report

CA                 Part One - Leeds Is Grate

Friday afternoon.  Time to pack the bags.  Two shirts, trousers
and shoes, spare T-shirt, underwear, socks, a toothbrush,
shampoo, a book for on the train and....  there's something
missing... oh crikey, computer stuff.

It's another Leeds trip.  Two nights out and a computer show,
all in the course of one weekend.  What a treat.

The train journey was pretty dull.  No good-looking females to
talk to, just some fat business man who sat on the edge of my
coat, meaning I couldn't move anything apart from my left hand.
Interestingly, the train journey took 3 and a bit hours going to
Leeds and only one and a half back. How strange.

Anyway, I turned up at the Bed and Breakfast and, ooh, surprise,
Colin MacD wasn't there yet.  It was the same place as last time
and the same woman talked rubbish at me for a bit.  Tempted as I
was to point out the resemblance between her and Sybil Fawlty, I
decided to just ignore her and wait until she gave me the key.
CA                          Part One

I managed to catch the end of TFI Friday and then proceeded to
get changed.  Then, the most unimaginable thing possible ever
happened.  Colin turned up - only 10 minutes late!  What a
shock.  A miracle, even.  Anyway, we had a quick "who can put
most deodrant on" competition, then made our way towards the
city centre.

Bearing in mind I'd only eaten a bowl of porridge that day, I
suggested some food.  Colin pointed out it was already half
seven, so we went straight for the first pub.  A large, but
empty pub and a really posh and full of old women pub later, and
we found ourselves in a really good place we went to last time
called Berlins.  If you're male and you ever go to Leeds, you
have to visit Berlins.  The, erm, view is fantastic.  We went to
another good pub that stays open until 2am every morning and
serves cheap beer called The Conservatory.  It was huge and
cheap, but did appear to be the venue for school-kids' first
attempt at under age drinking. [Has been for a long time! -AC]

CA                          Part One

The night rolled on, and the mix of alcohol and a bowl of
porridge took its grip.  We ventured into a club called Planet
Earth which had a revolving dance-floor!  Well, we were
entertained for the night.  On, off, on, off.  What a novelty.
It's around this time that the night becomes pretty hazy.  At
one point, I went to the bar to get a drink and said something
to a girl stood there with her mate (can't for the life of me
remember what I said - or her infact).  Anyway, Colin
'whispered' "You've pulled there Colin" which they both heard
and despite the other girl saying "No he hasn't", apparently a
conversation arose.  Feeling slightly merry, I kept wandering
off, leaving Colin to the task of talking.  At some point, I
disappeared completely and the one who Colin wasn't chatting
upkept asking for me (ego boost).  After a bit, they told Colin
they were off to the toilet and, well, never came back.  Ho ho.

Later on, Colin decided to leave and stumbled his way back to
the B&B.  He wasn't sure which room I was in, but soon realised
when he heard a TV on full blast.  Despite knocking loudly and
CA                          Part One

shouting, apparently I didn't awake.

The next morning, I awoke, still with my trousers and one shoe
on, and of course a really loud telly blaring cartoons out.
With no recollection of getting home, I stumbled out to find
Colin, and thankfully he hadn't seen what I'd done or how I'd
left the club (or I could be telling some highly embarrassing
stories).

Colin couldn't eat his breakfast.  I was still drunk.

On to the show....


[Indeed, Ando was drunk at the show.  -AC]




CA               Part Two - The Computer Show

The drive to Wetherby was long.  I'd forgotten how far out from
Leeds Wetherby is.  It's at least 15 minutes by car.  A couple
of wrong turns and frighteningly close over-taking maneouvres
added a little spice to the journey, though.  Erm, cheers Col.

We pulled up alongside Wetherby Methodist Church Hall and took a
deep breath.  Colin concentrating on his hangover, me trying to
sober up.  Suddenly, Graham Goring came running out of the hall.
One quick press of a button ensured Graham couldn't get in the
car and we heard some murmered insults about how late we were
and how short my hair was.  Sigh.

One.  Two.  Two and a half.  Two and three quarters.  Three.
FRED Publishing are go!

Within seconds (well, fifteen minutes) we made our way into the
hall and through the volley of lateness insults and onto our
stall.

CA                          Part Two

To our right was Crashed, looking magnificently white and
exciting.  To our left was some foreign fellow who had an
assortment of wierd software, Crash magazines, interfaces,
joysticks and everything under the sun for sale.  Next to them
was the refreshments stand where Allan gave food away to people
who moaned enough.  Next around, James Curry was selling an
assortment of Speccy software.  I can't remember who was along
the back wall.  Erm, speccy people, I think.  Oh, hang on, it
was Format mainly.  Sorry Bob.  Yeah, Format were there with
their impressive coat hanger stands and thousands of issues of
Format, and an issue or two of Format PC.  Persona had the
stand along the other wall and had their usual large range of
software on view (and on a sexy blue cloth).

Noticeable absences were Derek Morgan from SAM PD, who we all
desperately wanted to question about the digitizer and Darren
Wileman, new FRED owner, who I still haven't met.  Sigh.

However, the morning was well spent.  Between sales, I was able
CA                          Part Two

to play Wayne Coles at his new game, Kaboom!  Naturally, being
the programmer, you'd expect Wayne to win.  Did he?  Did he
heck.  I completely thrashed him.  Devastatingly sharp and with
lightening reactions, I easily outwitted Wayne at (literally)
his own game.  Ha ha.  And what an absolutely storming game it
truly is.  Easily the most addictive game on the SAM by a mile
and a half.  If you haven't got it yet, you're a fool.  The game
was being compiled at the show, and should now be in everyones
hands.  It's got a great little menu as well, with a wibbly
wobbly thing crawling over it.  Freaky.  Naturally, we took
quite a few orders for it.

Crashed had a new issue out.  Naturally, it's up to its normal
high standards, and you can't tell the difference between the
layout of this issue and the last issue, evern though the new
one is done on an Archimedes.  Stewart Skardon has done a good
job, there.  In particular, there's a great quote in it about
the last Northern show.  It goes, "Hint: if you're ever out
drinking with Colin and Colin, don't try to keep up with them.
CA                          Part Two

It's not humanly possible for a start."  Amazing. [Don't mention
                                                        it. -AC]
The bring and buy stall was operating reasonably successfully.
Except when I put Colin Macdonald's coat on it for sale for 50p.
Some interesting stuff did sit on there, though.  Stuff with
millions of wires.  And a Z88, too.

The guy next to us instantly sold all his copies of Crash, and
baffled even the most intelligent people with words I didn't
even know existed.  He tried to sell me some hard-core
pornography at one point.  Wierd fella.  Just for the record, I
declined.

Some tasty baps at the refreshments counter.  And some crisps,
chocolate bars, sandwiches and hot chocolate.  Yummy.

James Curry, on his Speccy stand, kept trying to flog me
Spectrum games, even though I didn't have a Speccy, or a lead to
load them into my SAM, or any desire whatsoever to buy a
CA                          Part Two

Spectrum game.  "But this one's a limited edition..." James
said.  Sigh.

Bob was next up.  He's not in the best of moods with me for
printing that Elite review, even though I never wrote it.  Well,
being a professional, I'm sure he understands my need to be
unbiased.  In my opinion, Elite is one of the best games
written, but if Stewart says it's just a re-botched Speccy
version with a few disc commands in it and stuff, then that's
fair enough.  Can't argue, eh Bob?  I'm not looking forwad to
the Gloucester show though.  Some of the things he threatened to
do to me are still making me wet the bed.

I generally kind of avoided the Persona stand because they were
avoiding us and I could do without a lecture on Manic Miner
belonging to them.  Incidentally, we sold a copy of Manic Miner.
Tee hee.  They did have an impressive range of software though.
All Revelation's old stuff (nearly) and a couple of their own,
including the new Ice Chicken and the great Booty.
CA                          Part Two

Then I was back round to Crashed (great quote, lads), then back
to FRED, stocking a gorgeous range of software and all manner of
other bits and pieces.  The T-shirts were sold though.  Lew
Farmer and his mate (sorry, forgotten your name!) snapped them
up.

There was quite an amusing moment when some guy came up to me
and asked me where Colin Anderton was.  I said, "Who?", and he
said, "That long-haired lad who writes all that rubbish in
FRED."  I started laughing loudly, so Colin MacD pointed out it
was me.  Ho ho ho.  That's three times I've been told I'm crap.
And only about 400 times I've been told the reverse.  Bloody
misery.

Colin showed off his Tetris skills to everyone, amassing 176
lines.  Graham Goring then showed off his Tetris "skills",
amassing 28 lines.

The attendance was sadly continuing it's trend of decreasing,
CA                          Part Two

with about 150 people coming through the door in the day.  The
absence of Stewart Skardon meant FRED took less than the 40
thousand pounds he normally spends.  Never mind.

[Erm... actually, we had about 20 percent more people in than
last time, and all the stallholders said that it was busier.
Colin was drunk, though, so he was probably at an antiques fair,
or something.  -AC]

Having just read Colin MacD's last newsletter, I'd just like to
point out that his little claim about spending the whole day
behind the FRED stand is completely untrue.  I spent the whole
day behind it.  Colin watched.

I'd like to say FRED will be back, but I haven't spoken to
Darren Wileman yet (still).  Allan is considering a new show,
and no matter what, I'm going back to Leeds at some time in the
next year.  So, if a show goes ahead, I'll be there.

CA                          Part Two

Anyway, the show ended at 4pm, and we headed to the pub in
Wetherby for a pint and a game of pool.

And then the night began...















CA                     Part Three - Beer

To begin the night, we went to a local pub for a traditional SAM
owners and friends pint.  You could see the look of excitement
in Mark Sturdy's eyes as he sensed another chance to grill Colin
Macdonald about the ever-so deep and double-bluffing world of
the SAM.  Colin cunningly changed 20 pounds worth of 10p's and
challenged everyone in the pub to a game of pool with their pint
(apart from Allan, who was drinking Coke because he's not old
enough to drink alcohol yet). [Ahem! -AC]

Colin Macdonald is possibly the jammiest player at pool I have
ever seen in my whole life.  Ever.  Our game, for example, came
down to the black, and Colin, who had already notched up a good
nine or ten flukes aimed at the bottom corner pocket; completely
missed it, but 4 cushions later it trickled into the middle
pocket.  Jammy spod.

The foreign guy impressed us all by being wierd.  His most
impressive act of strangeness was when he shoved a pound coin up
his nose and snorted a bit, then pulled it out his mouth (don't
CA                         Part Three

try this at home kids - it really hurts).

Colin was driving, so we only stayed for one.  We then headed
off back to the B&B, making a few detours to foreign girls'
houses.  A quick shower, and we were ready to take the city by
the scruff of its neck once again.

First stop - curry.  I've never been impressed with the curries
you get in Leeds, and although it was all fancy, this one was no
exception.  Anyone know where to go for a good curry in Leeds?
Still, it tasted alright, and it filled me up, and we had a pint
of Kingfisher (which Colin swears by - probably because it's
strong).

By the time we got out of there, it was close to 9pm, the time
we'd arranged to meet Allan at Berlin's (remember that name,
lads).  Once again, they had their novelty wheel spins to see
what the offer is.  I cleverly bought two pints of Caffrey's for
£1.90 each, then, before I'd even taken a sip, the wheel span
CA                         Part Three

and all draught beers became £1.20 for the next fifteen minutes.
Sigh.

I know I've been guilty of this, but as far as I'm concerned,
falling asleep in a pub after you've had a few too many is
perfectly respectable now and again.  However, falling asleep at
8pm at home when you've arranged to meet Colin and Colin at 9pm
in town is not.  Utterly disgraceful, Allan Clarkson.  You'd
only had one coke, you bloody girl.  [I was tired! I didn't mean
to!  And of course I'd only had one coke, I don't drink.  -AC]

Anyway, Colin and I kept chuggin away at the Caffrey's.  With
every pint, we vowed to make it our last pint before we moved
on, but every time, just as we were finishing it off, some
amazing offer would be spun, and we had to get "just one more".
Time passed and we decided it was clubbing time.  Majestics was
high on our priorities list, being a very new and extremely huge
venue.  We made our way towards it, and then saw something which
appeared to shock Colin somewhat.  The queue from Majestic's
CA                         Part Three

trickled out along the side of the wall out of our sight. Then
to our right, nearly up to the Majestic's door was the end of
some queue.  Colin put 2 and 2 together and thought the queue
went all the way round the block!

Could this be it?  No SAM weekend has ever gone completely
right, and up until now, it had gone very smoothly indeed.  Were
we to be stuck without a club to go to and have to resort to
watching telly semi-drunk in our B&B?

Thankfully, on further inspection, it became clear that there
were in fact two clubs and the queue for our was only about 15
minutes long.  Fifteen minutes was fine by me, but another
twisted, astonished look of horror came on Colin's face.  Colin
needed the toilet.  Really badly.

Ho ho ho.

I've never seen a man squirm so badly.  But the queue moved
CA                         Part Three

quickly, and we soon started to get towards the front.  It was
then when Colin and I noticed a poster.  It was over 20's night.
OVER TWENTIES?!?  I was only 19.  This was it.  This was where
the weekend went wrong.  I'd be refused admission, Colin would
get in a strop, then proceed to wet himself.  We would walk
away, make our way silently back to the B&B and then ignore
each other for the rest of our lives.

Then it kicked in.  The adrenaline, or something.  I don't quite
understand it myself.  It's that hormone that kicks in when
you're 16 or 17 and you need to look a couple of years older to
get served at the bar.  You stand slightly taller.  A new look
of seriousness and maturity spreads across your face.  And then
you stride, quickly and confidently, to your destination.  You
pay your entry fee, leave your coat at the cloakroom, then
ascend the stairs into the club.  You've made it!  What a
feeling.  Boy, have I missed that feeling.  You 17 year olds
don't know what you're going to miss when you turn 18.  What a
thrill.
CA                         Part Three

Majestics is one of the biggest clubs I've ever been in.  Set on
three floors, with a large dance floor in the centre and a
wonderful circular dome window above, it's amazing.  Add to that
some dancers suspended over the dance floor and the most
impressive laser display I've ever seen at a club, and you've
got Majestics.  Stunning.

Stunning prices too.  £2.70 for a bottle of Fosters Ice.  Ouch.

Nothing much happened for most of the night.  Drinking and
dancing, dancing and drinking.  I made a tit out of myself when
I bought a round and offered one of the bottles to a Colin
Macdonald look-a-like who was stood where I told Colin to wait.
What he must have thought, I don't know.  If some random bloke
offered me a drink, I'd leg it.

The night drew on, and we managed to lose each other.  I had a
bit of a dance and watched the lasers.  Some-one kindly informed
me her friend was a lesbian (?), one guy got hauled off the
CA                         Part Three

dance floor by a million bouncers and Colin was no-where to be
seen.  It was getting close to 2 o'clock and I couldn't focus
properly any more, so I decided to try and find him.  During my
rounds, I had one last try to get into the VIP section and was
politely told to turn around.  Colin had completely vanished and
the bouncers started telling everyone to make their way
downstairs, so I assumed Colin had fallen asleep in the toilets,
or stumbled home, or (as a long shot) pulled.

So, I stumbled home via the kebab shop.  After about forty
minutes of getting lost and wishing I'd caught a cab, I found
the B&B.  Suspecting Colin to be in his room, I went up and
knocked.  And shouted.  No response.  So, I pulled his door
number off in the hope that he'd still not got home and wouldn't
be able to find his room!

I decided to wait up for a bit and watch telly.  For some
reason, I decided to prop the door open with my coat.  I turned
the telly on and fell asleep.
CA                         Part Three

Colin Macdonald, on the other hand, remembers nothing from 1am
to 2am.  A complete black-out.  If only I'd known this, I
could've made up some great stories.  Anyway, for all Colin
knows, he could've danced for an hour or, more likely, spent an
hour sleeping comfortably in the puddles of urine in the men's
toilets.

Colin stayed in the club until 3am.  That was my mistake - being
a young inexperienced lad who only ever goes to student nights,
I thought all clubs closed at 2am and when the bouncers told us
to make our way downstairs, I saw that as my cue to go.  Loads
of other people were leaving too, so it didn't seem at all
strange.  What actually happened was that they closed off the
upstairs bit and the bars and let people dance away downstairs
until 3 o'clock.  Doh.

At about half past three, Colin remembers realising he'd been
walking in completely the wrong direction, and another hour
later turned up at the B&B.... to find my door wide open.
CA                         Part Three

Highly suspicious, you can imagine.  Colin carefully peeked
round my door to find me fast asleep, half on my bed and in all
my clothes.  Colin's attempts to wake me (which included
shouting at me and shaking me) failed miserably.  I was in a
comatose state - he'd have had more luck waking the dead
(although he probably did wake all the other residents).

And then Colin went to bed, kindly shutting the door for me.
Unsurprisingly, my hilarious "remove the door number" gag didn't
work.  In fact, it went completely unnoticed.

Have you heard that Police song that starts off "Woke up in my
clothes again this morning, Don't know exactly where I am."?
That applied to me.  I stumbled down to breakfast to recall bits
of memory and how-we-got-homes with Colin, then climbed back up
to bed, only to be woken half an hour later by Sybil Fawlty
emptying the empty bin and informing me I couldn't go back to
sleep.  She left, and I went back to sleep.

CA                         Part Three

I awoke again ten minutes later to what I am absolutely positive
was the sound of "someone" vacuum-cleaning the ceiling beneath
my room.  Bloody strange woman.

Then Colin came in, all ready to go, so I decided it was about
time for me to get ready.

[Colin and Colin came round to my house for a few hours at this
point, but it was obviously so thrilling and exciting that he
forgot to mention it...  -AC]

So, I got dropped off at the train station, Colin drove off into
the distance and the train took me home.

And then we all lived happily ever after.