Fred 52

Issue 52

Magazine

CA                        HULLO AGAIN

Happy Christmas, readers!  Hopefully, if all goes according to
plan, you'll be reading this before Christmas.  Unless you've
decided to read it again after Christmas,  that  is.   In  which
case it won't be but the first time it will be.  Clear?

Colin Macd has asked me to set a date for FRED to come out on,
so I've decided to claw it back to the middle of the month.  So,
very soon (maybe now), you should be receiving FRED on the 15th
or 16th of the month.  The 17th at least.  Of course, I can't
guarantee this, and I'm beginning to wish I hadn't said it, but
hopefully, this will be the case.  Gulp.

I should hope that everyone is either getting plenty of FRED
software for Christmas or is buying lots of FRED software with
their money from 'Gran' and 'Aunty Ethel'.  See the rather nice
looking advert in the adverts section that Graham Goring and I
did.  Did you know, for my birthday, I was given a washing up
brush?  I got my revenge though, when I bought the same person
(who lives in a shed) a dress for his birthday.  Ah, such fun.
CA                    WHAT A WASTE OF £2

Name the biggest way to waste money.

You got it, the National Bloody Lottery.  Pardon my French.  I
bought 2 tickets in the first week, the second week AND the
third week, and guess how many numbers I've got so far.  ONE.
One out of 36 different numbers.  Pathetic.  And that Noel
Edmonds intro to the first lottery draw was about as interesting
as my green curtains and lasted longer than a phone call to the
speaking clock (that bloke never shuts up).

Needless to say, I've already chosen next week's numbers...

Speaking of phone calls, did I get a massive telling-off from my
mum when we got our first itemised phone bill.  Gordon Bennett.
That call to someone (guess who) in Scotland proved to be a
teeny bit expensive.  Not to mention the REALLY long ones to my
friends.  That's killed off any hopes of buying a modem for my
Archimedes, anyway.  God, I hate BT.  "It's good to talk."  What
a load of cobblers.
CA          Por donde se va a la playa, por favor?

I had an interview at Warwick University last Friday and could
have lost my offer because I had an argument with the woman who
was interviewing me - about the Spectrum!  Yes, I told her
(don't ask me how I got onto it) that it was the first machine I
learnt to program on, and she said that BASIC was an awful
language to start learning with and the Spectrum was rubbish.
Anyway, I defened the Spectrum and rapidly changed the subject
when she started giving me dirty looks.

Actually, if there are any SAM owners out there going to Uni
next year, I'm thinking of Warwick or Nottingham at the moment.
So, if you would fancy living near your God (me) for a year and
going out for refreshments (!) every night - then giving me a
hand to finish FRED in one day, go for one of these
Universities.  Don't go to Plymouth though - urgh.

That time has come again to tell you what is going to be on the
next page, just so I can cunningly fill this three line gap at
the bottom.  So, now follows the next page...
CA                   GET YOUR ORDERS IN NOW

There's still time to order any products from FRED before
Christmas.  Ideally, you will get your orders sent off well in
advance of Christmas, but if you have left it a little late,
have no fear!  MacColin has come to the rescue again.  Orders
received before Christmas will be sent 1st class the same day.
I think that the last post for Christmas is the 19th December.
Some things may arrive if sent after, but it certainly isn't
guaranteed.

Also, if you're really late, you can ring Colin up and say,
"Colin, can you pop me a copy of ---------- in the post.  I'll
send the cheque today.  Thanks.  By the way, your new editor is
just lovely."  Colin will send the program 1st class as soon as
he can make it to the post box/office.





CA                            NEWS

The generosity of FRED continues...  Those people out there who
hven't yet bought Lemmings (WHY NOT?  IT'S INCREDIBLE.) can now
get Lemmings and Oh No! More Lemmings together for just £25.
That's a saving of, er, a few quid.  Now if you didn't have the
sense to Lemmings up when it came out, get this.

Also, the pack is available for those people who already have
Lemmings. You can own 2 copies of Lemmings then! And if you buy
another SAM and another TV, you can put the tellies together and
it'd be like having an extra long TV and twice as many Lemmings!

The Oh No! More Lemmings boxes have now arrived, you'll be
pleased to know.  I'm not sure who needs to know that, but
hopefully they won't lose any more sleep.

If anyone thinks that ON!ML is just the same as Lemmings, don't.
The levels on ON!ML contain different (better?) graphics, clever
puzzles and they get a lot more challenging later on than the
original Lemmings ones did.
CA                            NEWS

The latest news on Revelations new titles is that Sophistry has
now been released and is available from them at the price I
quoted in the last issues editorial (I'm too lazy to look it
up).

TnT has been delayed slightly, but will be released round about
Christmas day.  It still looks a little gem, and orders can be
taken now.  Remember, FRED does not stock either of these titles
yet, so send orders to Revelation (and say FRED sent ya).

Their address is: [redacted]



CA                            NEWS

The compiled disc of m/c articles is definitely going ahead now.
Hopefully, it won't be too long before they're compiled.  Also
released at roughly the same time will be 'The Complete Guide to
SAM BASIC', which you will recall was on Enceladus (I hope).
They will both be £5 and are an absolute bargain to you budding
programmers.  Certainly cheaper than buying all the back issues!
More news next month.

Matt Round has also had an idea.  He's thinking of doing a guide
to Gamesmaster disc.  Matt says, "I'd quite like to do a guide
for GM, consisting of a small manual and a disc containing
fully-documented games which guide you through a simple
tutorial."

Matt would like to know whether people would find this of
interest, and, more importantly, buy it.  This would also go for
roughly a fiver, and could do everyones programming skills a
world of good.  I think it's worthwhile.  Write in, or ring
Colin at inconvenient times, and tell us what you think.
CA                     ON A LIGHTER NOTE

Red Dwarf is now officially the best sit-com on the BBC as said
on the British Comedy awards.  Yup, it won an award (at last).
Also, Spike Milligan was a little funny.  Fancy saying the
Prince of Wales was a "grovelling little b*****d" on TV!  More
guts than I've got, that's for sure.



YIPEE!  Hello once again.  Guess what.  I've got a little bit of
very joyous news:

         *********************************************
         *                                           *
         * I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST TODAY (1st TIME) *
         *                                           *
         *********************************************

Yes, you heard it in FRED first.  And, I think we've managed to
get an interview with the champion.  Hold on.  Here it comes...
CA                    EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

Des Lynam: Colin, a joyous moment in your life?
Colin    : Most certainly, Des.
Des      : But Colin, the question on everyones tounges is 'How
           Did You Do That?'
Colin    : (Fake laugh) Hah!  Well Des, the trick is to keep
           your cool, and just be very careful when driving.
Des      : What did it ffffff

(At this point we lose sound for a few brief moments)

Colin    : er+-t ="+d@ ificent feeling, Des.  I was shaking so
           much that I could barely sign my signature.
Des      : Ha ha. So, where do you go from here?
Colin    : Well, Colin Macdonald is buying me a car as a sort of
           Congratulations.
Des      : Blimey, he's generous!
Colin    : Oh, Colin Macdonalds loaded.  He owns an island just
           off Brazil.  And twelve houses on the moon.
Des      : Well, thanks Colin.  Back to the studio.
CA                      BACK TO REALITY

Does anyone out there know what to do when your mouse keeps
getting a mind of its own?  About every 2 minutes, my mouse
decides it doesn't like going up, and the pointer moves down
whether I move my mouse up or down.  Wierd, huh?  I've tried
cleaning it out, but it doesn't work.  I've found a temporary
solution to the problem, but it doesn't last long and I'm
getting worried that bashing the mouse on the desk (very hard)
might not be doing the mouse a lot of good.  [Don't try this at
home kids].

            A POEM THAT IS LIKELY TO GET ME IN COURT
                                                    by the Ed.
              There once was a Colin from Dundee,
              And he ran a small company, you see,
              The profits went on drink,
              So he had to rethink,
              And he made his poor Ed work for free.

Speaking of Colin Macd, here's something he wrote to bore you...
CM                   And to my surprise...

I just thought I'd add my tuppence worth, seeing as this is the
Christmas issue (Merry Christmas everyone! And a very happy New
Year). As I've mentioned previously, I'm in the degree year of
my course so I've been busy doing exams and courseworks most of
the time - apologies for not being in to answer the phone, I
have genuinly been at University from 9am till 10pm most days
over the last couple of weeks.

Anyway, we'd just handed in a coursework and before making a
start on the one due in the next day we decided to go for lunch.
Being students, we picked the nearest pub... Anyway, after our
meal we were just finishing our drinks when this guy walks up to
us, looks round at all of us, finally looking at me and says "do
I know you?". I replied with a shake of my head. Then he asks
"Colin?".  "yes..?".  "Colin Macdonald"   "yes...?" "Hi - I'm
Jon Binnie"   !!!!! Wow! One of FRED's best musicians recognises
me in a pub in Dundee! Apparently, he's just started a course at
the same University as me, and although his SAM needs repaired
at the moment, he's hoping to be doing some more music on the
CM                    Colin's heart attack

SAM in the nar future!

Although Jon had met me about three years ago at an Edinburgh
Show, the only reason he recognised me was because of my picture
on the SAMCo Newsdisk - even that is now two and half years old!

If he can recognise me in a pub as someone he briefly met three
years ago, I would strongly advise Jon to go for a job in the
police!!

I should also thank everyone for the Christmas greetings FRED
has had already - the cards are slowly creeping across the FRED
wall!


[COLIN MACDONALD!  I WILL NOT TOLERATE GAP LEAVING IN MY
                   EDITORIAL.  SORT IT OUT - CA]


CM                        Erm....wow!

The other month, I told you all about the Gold ASICs. Because of
the price we had to set I have to be honest and admit that I
wasn't expecting to be able to sell many of them. How wrong I've
been! There have been people that havn't been involved in the
SAM for years phone up and ask for one, as many as many people
who's names I'm afraid I do not recognise and therefore had to
refuse.

There are still five left, and rather than leave it up to me to
choose who should get these, I'll pull the names out of the hat.
If you would like to buy one (remember, they cost £80) send /
phone your details before the end of this year (31st December
1994), and the first five names randomly picked will be allowed
to buy one.

If you'd like more details about the ASIC, refer to issues 50 or
51. Or, for more details, give me a ring (if you can catch me
when I'm not at University!).

CM                          SAM-net

It appears that quite a lot of the SAM community have gotten
"on-line" to the Internet. If you're on the Internet, you can
EMail me at :
                      [redacted]


or you could have a look at the SAM World Wide Web pages run by
Tim Paveley. The URL is (remember the capital C in Coupe) :

http://whirligig.ecs.soton.ac.uk/~tsp93/Coupe/home.html

Or, for an FTP site (run by Frode Tennebo) from which you can
download demos etc from :

                        FTP.NVG.UNIT.NO

I'll try to include as many other SAM peoples EMail addresses in
future issues of FRED - let me know what they are!

CA                        I'M BACK!!!!

COMPETITION TIME - We can't afford to do the National Lottery,
                   so we at FRED have decided to run a little
                   competition.  If your membership number comes
                   up, you win - £20!!!  Let me get my calc. to
                   find some random numbers.  OK, the winning
                   number is 0579.  Hang on, that's me.  Hurrah!

Last months puzzle was a bit of a sleep looser, wasn't it?  The
answer is...  far too complicated, so I won't bother.  Well done
to those who worked it out.  Sorry to those who didn't and are
dying to know the answer.  I do know it, but it's too boringly
complicated to explain and you still wouldn't understand.

This months puzzle is a wordsearch.        ABCDEF
Find these words.  WARNING - it is   --->  COLINZ
not easy.                            --->  ZZFRED
                  COLIN                    QQQQQQ
                  FRED

CA             LES CONTENTS DE LA DISC, MONSIEUR

Well, what an absolute corker this issue is.  Challenging the
might of FRED 50 if I do say so myself.  Well, I'd better get on
explaining...

HERE IT IS.  UTILITY OF THE YEAR (Probably).  E-tune decompiler.
For all those of you who can dabble in music, the news of this
will no doubt have had you on the edge of your seats all month.
Almost certainly, you've been strip-searching the postie every
morning to check he's not nicked it.  Well, fear not, young (or
middle-aged) (or old) reader, here it is.

Stefan Drissen has knocked us up this little gem of a program.
The instructions are there on load up.  Now you can see how the
best of the SAM musicians create their masterpieces.  I'm sure
most of them wouldn't mind you 'borrowing' their instruments
too.  Maybe now more of you will send some E-tunes in (we're
actually getting a bit low on E-tunes at the moment).  Many
thanks Stefan.

CA                       DISC CONTENTS

Next up, we have another piece of magnificence.  Yes, it's by
that God of games creating, Matt Round.  Do you remember his
first Gamesmaster game, Santa Goes Psycho?  Well, this is the
follow up, and a treat it is too.  Much bigger, more baddies,
more everything.  Possibly the best shoot-em-up FRED has seen.
The keys are Q,A,O,P and M and as with the first SGP, you can
shoot the things in the sky and bomb the things on the floor (or
roof).  The last level has to be my favourite, though it takes a
L-O-N-G time to get there.  Unless some kind programmer tells
you the cheat.  In the last level, you have to bomb lots of
Postman Pats!  Beautiful graphics, beautiful sound, beautiful
game!  More of the same please, Matt!

If you manage to rip yourselves away from the first two goodies,
then take a look at the Football League Manager demo.  It is a
rolling demo of screens and information, and makes the game look
nearly as good as it is to play.  Well done whoever stuck the
demo together, and if you don't buy the game now, you must have
a will of steel.  Or a brain of sand.
CA                       DISC CONTENTS

In slot G, we have yet another great piece of work.  Can you
stand it any more?  This time, Lee Willis provides you with a
music demo (hence the name Music Demo) with 5 lovely soundtracks
and some nice effects.  Sit back, relax, read the scrolly and
marvel at the great music.

Back through popular, and I mean popular demand (normally,
no-one comments on anything, but we've had letters and letters
complimenting this little gem) is Anonymity Smith!  He told me
that he wants to "Broaden His Horizons", so I've decided to let
him have his section named after him.  All this means is that he
will be contributing more stories and articles along the lines
of something other than Sci-fi.  Don't worry, Sci-fi fans, there
will still be plenty of the same stories aswell.  So, Anonymity
fans everywhere, here are three more stories just for you...

Xmas Blokit is a game by Dave Handley (writer of FLM!!!).
Following in our Christmas tradition, the title screen has a
lovely Christmassy feel to it, and the tune too is Christmassy
CA                       DISC CONTENTS

and is done by Dave himself.  Dave says the tune is rubbish, but
I love it.  And anyway, it's Christmas!  The game has nothing to
do with Christmas, giving me a sneaky suspicion that he's taking
advantage of the fact that I love Christmas so much just to get
his contribution on FRED 52.  It's nevertheless a nice game,
albeit TOO DAMN DIFFICULT!  True, I'm awful at games, but even I
should be able to get past level 2!  Maybe I'm just useless.
Anyway, the idea is to (very, very, very, very, very) quickly
fill up the board with different shapes in order to get the
little timer things down to the bottom.  You can only place the
pieces on blank squares, so although speed is important, you
can't just drop the pieces anywhere.  Instructions are in the
scrolly message, because there's no way you understood that.

Adverts is slightly different this month.  It has some new
screens (to promote FRED stuff for once) done by Graham Goring
and myself.  I did all the text, Graham did all the graphics.  A
stunning combination.  Remember, all adverts are free, so pop a
piccy in the post and it may get on.
CA                       DISC CONTENTS

Screens have been seny or done by (unless I have to remove some
at the last minute) Ian Dodd, Scott Inwood and Graham Goring.
They're all lovely.  Keep them coming, lads (and Graham).

The MOD this month has a rather nice Christmassy theme to it...

Matt Round appears again on FRED with a rather nice diary
program.  Rather than buying a diary from the shops for next
year, you can use a disc.  This program requires Masterdos, but
surely Masterdos is a better investment than a book with blank
lines in which you have to fill in yourself every day.  It
formats a disc so you have more slots, and leaves you to edit
the days.  Instructions are provided, which is good because I
can never explain things properly.

Finally, we have a relatively new section.  I've decided to call
it Bits 'n' Bobs.  What do you think?  I will include smaller
programs in this, so you readers get MORE programs for your
(tiny scrap) of money.  This month, I've included a very useful
CA                       DISC CONTENTS

disc dir program, which lists programs by their type.  I've
included a line, so you can press D for a full directory.  I
hope the writer, Lee Willis, doesn't mind.  I use this for
looking through discs when compiling FRED, and felt I needed
this option.  Unfortunately, it requires Masterdos, but this is
all the more reason to buy it, yes?

Erm, I don't think anything else is going to fit on this issue
of FRED.  It's just two packed full.  Maybe I can find something
to fill up the last couple of K.  If I can, thankyou whoever
sent it in.

Lastly, the E-tunes are sent in by Lee Willis (again!) and Bob
Brunsden (oh, and I've put Dave Handleys in aswell).  Most of
them follow a Christmassy theme, the others don't.

And that's about your lot.  I hope you enjoy the issue.  I think
it's pretty brilliant.  Must be my stunning influence on people.
I already have a m/c menu for next month.  Oh joy...
CA                          CREDITS

Editor: Colin 'Erm, can't think of a nickname' Anderton


Thanks to:

Stewart Skardon
 Lee Willis
  Anonymity Smith                      [redacted]
   Graham Goring
    Matt Round
     Dave Handley
      Stefan Drissen
       Ian Dodd
        Scott Inwood
         Ted Edwards
          Colin Macdonald
           Bob Brunsden

             No Brian's music again, so I've done something >>>>
CA                      COMEDY REVIEW

OK. I know absoulutely nothing about music. I'll admit that.
Instead, I've decided to do an article on some comedies that are
on video. Apart from my SAM (and going out), comedy videos are
about all I ever buy. If anyone likes this, I will continue with
it next month. If not, well, soggy sandwiches to the lot of you!


BOTTOM 2 - PARADE             BBC                       CERT 15

Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall return for a  second  series  of
the highly successful cult  BBC2  comedy.   'PARADE'  brings  us
three of the six filmed episodes from series 2, namely  'PARADE'
'HOLY' and ''S OUT' (Yes,  that  is  the  right  spelling).   86
minutes of Richard and Eddie, the  two  sad  perverts  who  live
together in a grotty council flat, owned by Rich.

Parade is, for me, the worst of the  three  on  the  video,  but
still, Richie and Eddie live up to their names.  Having received
£8 for their 'community  work'  in  the  identity  parade,  they
overhear tight-mouthed Larry let out a secret that only  bookies
know about.  'Sad Ken' is the hot tip for the 3:30 at  Chepstow,
and at 100/1, it's an opportunity they can't miss.  In order  to
win more money, they steal the  wooden  leg  of  a  man  (Robert
LLewelyn) who lost his real leg in the Falklands. Eddie gets the
money for the leg, and along with their  £8,  puts  it  on  'Sad
Ken'.  As fate would have it for the two  losers,  tight-mouthed
Larry was lying,  and  'Sad  Ken'  turns  out  to  be  a  blind,
three-legged race horse who starts the race  off  backwards  and
gets shot.

Holy is the second of the three episodes, and would probably  be
the one from series 2  that  most  remember.   Being  Christmas,
Richie has to celebrate, and Eddie's friends are  invited  round
for Christmas dinner.  When Eddie, Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun sit
with their Christmas cracker hats on, the doorbell rings  and  a
baby is left on the doorstep.  With gifts of Terry's  All  GOLD,
FRANKENSTEIN mask, and GRRR (an aftershave), the virgin  Richard
and the other three in crowns, the scene is set for  the  second
coming...

Finally, there is 's out.  I don't think this was actually shown
on TV in the end, but I could be wrong.  After  a  drunken  bet,
Richie and  Eddie  find  themselves  roughing  it  in  Wimbledon
Common, with only a packet of hobnobs between  them.   Added  to
this, there is only one sleeping bag and one  tin  opener,  they
apear to be in for a rough trot.  Hunting what Eddie believes to
be Uncle Bulgaria (after all,  they  are  in  Wimbledon  Common)
causes Richie to end up with a dart down his throat, and get his
head stuck in the fire.  After a hard day,  they  pitch  up  the
tent, only to have a flasher shove his meat and veg through  the
entrance, ending off what is probably one of the  best  episodes
of Bottom ever.

If you find this sort of humour funny, then this is for you.  If
you don't, then avoid at all costs.

Overall - 8/10

(Bit of news: A 9-part 3rd series of Bottom is apparently being
              filmed at the moment)

AUF WIEDERSEHEN PET - IF I WERE A CARPENTER    CENTRAL   CERT 15

Most of those under 16 probably won't have seen this before, but
probably everyone over 18 will still be waiting in  hope  for  a
third series.  (Although I  get  the  feeling  that  that  won't
happen!)  Let me introduce those of you who haven't heard of  it
to the cast.

Due to the lack of work in England, 7 brickies or craftsmen move
to Germany to benefit from self-employment. Dennis (Tim Healey),
Neville (Kevin Whately), Oz (Jimmy Nail), Wayne (Gary Holton),
Bomber (Pat Roach), Barry (Timothy Spall) and Moxey (Christopher
Fairbank) take work in Dussledorf to keep their heads above
board in England. No doubt you'll recognise many of the names in
this list, and may be quite surprised to find so many you know,
but Auf Wiedersehen Pet was indeed the first step to stardom for
most of them.

The tape lasts over 3 hours, a definite bargain when you think
that you could buy a music video for the same price with only
about 12 minutes of stuff on it.

The first episode starts with three Newcastle lads (Oz, Dennis
and Neville) who decide to work abroad.  Neville is constantly
writing postcards to his wife whereas Oz didn't tell his wife he
was going and pushed his car down the road so as not to wake her
up!  Oz's clapped out Zepper with no insurance gets them halfway
into Germany, then breaks down on the motorway, causing them to
be late and have to have accomodation in a hut on the building
site with 4 other lads from England.  The first night, half of
them venture to a brothel, Oz upsets half of the Germans with
his racist (but very funny) remarks and they explore the local
city.

The second episode, 'Who Won The War Anyway' focuses on the
sacking of Neville (long story).  He saves himself when he
discovers an unexploded bomb from the war and becomes a bit of a
hero.  Unsurprisingly, Oz pushes the Germans too far and ends up
getting the sack himself after a confrontation in the local.
Luckily, the Germans decide that he should be given his job
back.  Which is lucky really, because Oz (Jimmy Nail) has to be
the funniest character in the series.

'The Girls They Left Behind' finds Oz's wife meeting Dennis's
wife and finding out that Oz is in Germany.  Oz sends the letter
back marked "Not known at this address", but a drunken night
after a football match finds Oz accidently back in England,
where he tells his wife that he felt guilty after reading the
letter.  Moments later, the post arrives and the letter marked
"Not known at this address" is delivered...

'Suspicion' sees some money and Oz's watch go missing, causing
distress all round.  Who is the thief?  The finger of suspicion
points in every direction, until they finally decide to leave
it.  Not Oz, though.  Oz puts some special ink on a large value
Deutschmark and leaves it on the table.  All the lads come back,
and the note is handed around, then put back on the table.  The
next morning, however, the lads wake up to find themselves with
green dye on their fingers which seems near impossible to get
off!

This Auf Wiedersehen Pet video is, as we would expect, a bit of
a classic.  The first episode suffers slightly from nervous
acting, but this soon dissolves, and the series is possibly the
best comedy I have watched.  If you do enjoy comedies, this is
an absolute must.  It does take a few episodes to get used to,
but when you do get used to it, it'll have you in stitchies.

Overall - 10/10




                Is anyone actually reading this?
                If so, can you write and tell me
                 what you think of it.  Good or
                     bad, I'd like to know.







RED DWARF - THE SMEG UPS        BBC                     CERT 15

You've seen every episode, you've read the books, now see the
cock-ups.  And plenty there are too.

'Red Dwarf - The Smeg Ups' is supposedly the scenes that went
wrong over the 7 years since Red Dwarf started.  This turns out
to be false, because there are no scenes from series 1 or 2 (and
possibly 3) and only a few from series 4.  Most of the tape
contains series 5 and 6 takes, though.  It lasts about 1 hour,
and the sets of clips are introduced by Kryten (Robert
Llewellyn).

Many of the mistakes involve the crew swearing but, in my
opinion, this adds to the humour.  From Rimmer (Chris Barrie)
falling off a seat (well, a box) to the Cat (Danny John Jules)
nearly choking on a piece of bread, to Lister (Craig Charles)
pulling childish faces, the guys who put it together have
included everything.  I can't help but feel that there would
have been more in there if it weren't for the recent (ahem)
arrest of Craig Charles, but I don't want to go into that.

We see Chris Barrie's impersonations come alive, and pretty
incredible they are.  His 'Oh, Matron!' is outstanding, and the
David Coleman (which all four crew members join in with) is
side-splittingly funny.  There are many a take where the crew
forget their lines, the better ones being where there is a
reaction from someone.  Noticeably, it is generally the Cat who
misses his lines.

As with all cock-up programmes, there will be the odd clip which
you just don't find funny or interesting, but in this video,
these are far outweighed by the better ones.  As a special treat
to all fans, they have included the original ending to series 6.
I won't tell you what it is, but in typical Grant Naylor
fashion, it is very funny, and maybe more pleasing than leaving
us in the lurch for a year and a half (Series 7 is supposed to
be filmed in the middle of 1995 - with or without certain
actors).

Overall, this video really is very funny.  The only problem is
that you are likely to lose your interest in it much quicker
than buying a video of TV programmes.  After you've seen the
mistakes 4 or 5 times, they lose their appeal.  For fans of Red
Dwarf, this is a very good buy.  For those of you who don't
follow Red Dwarf as closely, I'd recommend buying the TV
programmes first.

Overall - 7/10

----------------------------------------------------------------


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See you all next month, and, (as if I haven't said this enough),
when you think Christmas (and money), think FRED.  Byeeeeeee.

                                                  COLIN ANDERTON

Letters & Reviews

                  Letter from Stewart Skardon

Dear Colin,
    Just when you thought it was safe to open the post again, I
am back!  After a well earned rest, I have decided that it was
time to put finger to keyboard, printer to paper e.t.c and write
you a quick letter.  I don't mean to moan, and it probably isn't
your fault, but I haven't received my copy of FRED 51.  Has
there been a delay in production, or have the post office nabbed
it, like many of the other things that have been sent to me
recently?  It's a long story, but I'll tell you it to fill up
space.  Basically, I finally ordered a printer interface from
FORMAT, only to be waiting for about 2 months for the damn thing
to arrive (Not FORMAT's fault though!).  After a quick phone
call to FORMAT, and disturbing a poor woman who was suffering
from larengitis (is that how it's spelt?), I discovered that the
item was actually posted on the 10th of October, and had
obviously been nabbed by the post office, along with my issue of
FORMAT!  Bloomin' cheek!  Needless to say, I went and complained
to the post office who gave me the money for a new one, and I
have finally got it!  Now I do hope they haven't pinched my copy
                  Letter from Stewart Skardon

of FRED!  If it turns up after I post this letter, then I
apologise for being a pain in the bum, but some of us need a
good read to keep us sane.  My course at Uni is driving me
insane.  I've got 10 essays to do for Friday the 13th of
January!  Sounds a bit ominous to me!

Right, I think I have waffled enough now.  Just one thing, I
have vowed that I will be going to the next Gloucester show
(April!), so I'll hopefully see you there.  In the mean time, I
am working on an update to my Document viewer for FRED, mainly
updating the printer options!

                       Good bye for now,

                        STWEART SKARDON




CA                 Reply to Stewart Skardon

Erm, FRED 51 was a touch late, wasn't it?  Don't worry about
moaning, I need it.  The more people moan, the more I know what
I'm doing wrong (it is possible that I'm not perfect).  I do
have a feeble excuse.  I infact did the whole issue in 10 days,
not bad going for my first try.  You see, I had dozens and
dozens of discs to look through, and didn't get these until
early November.  The disc takes a week at the duplicators, so I
was a little rushed.  Anyway, I've had plenty of time to get
this issue done, so you should be reading this nice and early.

I don't have much luck with the post either.  Just before I
became editor, my power pack blew up.  Well, 'blew up' is maybe
an exaggeration, but it stopped working properly anyway.  I
completely lost my picture.  Anyway, a quick phone call to Colin
Macdonald (and believe me, a phone call to Scotland has to be
quick) and he threw me another power pack in the post.  He had 2
left, you see.  Hurrah!  Days later, it arrived.  True, I had to
answer the door in my boxer shorts to sign a piece of paper, but
it was here.  I used my knowledge of A-level physics to put the
CA                 Reply to Stewart Skardon

plug on, connected everything up and turned on my SAM.  The
picture was there.  However, the sound would not tune in, and
all I got was a 'XCXSCXSCSXCSXSCXSCX' sound.  I rang Colin up
again, and he promptly swore, then apologised.  He tested the
other power pack, and that one had the same problem!

Being the hard working, dedicated person he is (well, I have to
say that, he pays me) he asked around on his trip of the UK.  At
FORMAT, he sent me another power pack.  Weeks later, I rang him
to enquire where my power pack was.  Yes, you guessed it - lost
in the post!  After several moments of swearing from Colin, he
apologised again and sent me another in the post.  Probably not
the most profitable sale Colin has ever made, but it is quite a
nice story to tell.

Anyway, what am I doing?  Ah, yes, Stewart.  Good luck with the
coursework (ho ho ho).  Is there another show in April?  Are you
sure?  If so, I'll definitely be there.  See you then...

CA                  Letter from Ted Edwards

A word to Ted first.  This was read to me over the phone by
Colin Macdonald.  If any of the wording is wrong, I apologise.

Dear Colin and Colin,
         Thanks for FRED 51 which came with a reminder that
another year has passed and you would like some more money.

I consider the £20 well spent and value for money.  Whilst the
cheque book is out, I might as well give myself a Christmas
present, so I'll order Oh No! More Lemmings and Impatience.
Incidently (being a fairly keen gardener) IMPATIENS is the
botanical name for a flower called Busy Zizzie.  Not a lot of
people know that.

I'd really like to contribute something to your mag, but I'm
afraid it'd be beyond me.  Have you ever thought of putting in a
crossword every month.  Surely someone out there could compile
one.
                     Ted Edwards
CA                    Reply to Ted Edwards

Thanks for the letter Ted.  Good to see you're keeping up your
FRED sub - obviously a man of the 90's!

Thanks also for filling me in on the flower thing.  I feel my
knowledge is eternally greater now.  Incidently did you know
that Andronicus Filplantius has a botanical name of Ohnous
Moreandus Lemmingsus?  Not many people know that either.

Can I ask you a personal question?  Do you dislike sleeping or
something?  You buy ON!ML and Impatience at the same time.
You'll be up all night for a month trying to complete the darn
things.  You're very brave.

A crossword, eh?  That's a bit up-market.  Actually, I had a
crossword program included a few months back.  It's in the Bits
'n' Bobs section of FRED forty-something.  Have a look and tell
me what you think.  I can easily knock up another.  Also, what
did you think of 'Quiz'?  Something like that can be repeated.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
CA              My, what a big letters section


                         IS THAT IT???

                      NO MORE LETTERS???

                 AFTER ALL THE ONES I SENT???

Might as well write to myself then.

And you can look at the blank gap below, and think what FRED
would look like if you stop writing and programming.








CA         Letter from the WONDERFUL Colin Anderton

Dear Colin,
       Happy Christmas!  You're probably sick of that, after all
the letters you've no doubt been sent by nice readers.  It's not
like they'd be NASTY and not send you anything.  After all, how
long does it take to write a few lines?  No time at all.  It
doesn't even have to be on disc, as long as it's readable, huh?

Anyway, I'm just writing to remind you that Matt Round's letter
is in the scrolly on E-tunes.  If you remember, it just missed
issue 51, and he didn't want it in the letters section if it
wasn't in FRED 51.  However, it's such a dazzling show report
that you decided to put in in the scrolly on E-tunes.  It was
also a rather convenient way of filling up a long scroller,
wasn't it?

Anyway, got to go.  Good luck with FRED 52, and congratulations
for FRED 51.  All my love,

                           COLIN ANDERTON
CA           Reply to the WONDERFUL Colin Anderton

Dear Colin,
      Thanks for the letter.  I think your first paragraph was a
little misplaced, though.  As if those nice readers would forget
to write to me.  Hah!  Yes, Matt Round's show report/letter is
in E-tunes.  I hope you don't mind Matt, but I felt so guilty
for missing FRED 51 that I had to use it.  It's still very
interesting.  More interesting than a scroller that I would have
written, anyway.



                SEE YOU ALL NEXT ISSUE!!!!!!

                                   Colin

 P.S. Don't forget - it's the holidays soon.  GET PROGRAMMING!

 P.P.S. There's still time to order FRED stuff before Christmas!

      (A rather strange) SAMPaint review by Charles Manson

9:07am Post lady sighted at end of Friday Street.
9:08am Post lady starts deliveries of our road. Palms sweaty.
9:14am Post lady delivers to next door neighbour. Temperature at
+2 degrees centigrade compared with normal.
9:15am Post lady props bike up against fence. Need physical
restraint to stop me running up the path, shaking her by the
elbows and screaming, "Have you got it? Dammit, tell me woman!".
9:16am After fumbling about, the Post lady produces a largish
envelope from the recesses of her bicycle. Dull thud as it
lands on the doormat. Brief scurry of limbs and a blur of
movement as I grab the package and rend it's wrappings from it,
revealing a slim and well typographed manual.

SAMpaint has arrived.

First impressions. Well, it's got slicker presentation than
professional oil-spill simulator. And most of the icons are
laid out in an easy to use way. Grouped together logically so to
speak. The first thing you notice about the package is that it
                        SAMPaint Review

quite literally rockets along. Whatever it's having to
calculate it doesn't matter. I only wish games programmers
could write stuff this attractive and speedy. It has a vast
array of functions too... A lot of which you'd never think were
possible on the humble old SAM. And a lot you'd never think of.
But when you use them it seems such an obvious idea that you
are quite surprised that you never thought of it. I could harp
on about the effects that can be produced with it. But if
you're a subber then you'll have already seen most of them and
been suitably impressed. And when you see the speed at which
they are produced your jaw will drop. The package also has a
very professional feel to it, which FLASH! did not. When you
used flash it was very slow and tedious and about as friendly as
a life long athiest who's just met Jesus whilst shopping at
TESCO's. But it feels as if your SAM has turned into an
archimedes upon booting up of the package. It really is that
smooth.