Submitted by Dan Dooré on Wednesday, May 23, 2018 - 12:02.
|Menu||Les Quinn Sean Bernard|
|Letters||Search: “Epicenter” Solution, Reviews, Movies|
|Darren..||Darren Wileman||The Editor Speaks|
|Lovetrip||Robert Pain||M/C Demo|
|Zx81 Emulator||Martijn Groen||Zx81 Emulator & Game|
|Imposters||Stephen McGreal||M/C Demo|
|Anonimity||Graham Goring||Spam Trek Et Al|
|E-Tunes||Jack Bailey||E-Tracker Music|
|Directory||Darren Martin||Address/Telephone Book|
|Hard Drive Program||Mathew Lovibond||HDOS Utility|
|Modules||Adrian Francis||Amiga Modules - DNA Dream|
|RGB Patch||Martijn Groen||Fix For RGB Demo on Fred 74|
CA Stop Interferencing With My Life Hey ho, another month. The sun is shining, the flowers are growing, a dog barks in the distance and my SAM continues to degenerate in its ability to work properly. I now have to have the TV in pale ugly yellow because of the crappy old TV that mum still owns. I get rid of my TV with it's evil interference lines scattering my screen and end up with attack of the yellow telly disease. Do I take it by the lack of response/sympathy that the interference hasn't to anyone else? I was concerned it was something to do with channel 5, but as there hasn't been a public outcry, then maybe it's just poor me. Sob. Oh dear, now it's flashing colour every few seconds. Help. This is a few minutes later now, but the picture is suddenly perfect. What does this mean? Dodgy power supply? Now I understand what it must be like to be a female faced with something complicated like a calculator. Totally mind boggling. CA What Do You Do With The Frog? Allan has shot of to America, which makes this the first issue of FRED done totally by me for a good few months. In particular, I'm looking forward to staring blankly at the TV screen trying to think of something for my e-tunes scrolly. Sigh. I hope Allan gets caught shop-lifting and is deported back to England soon. Speaking of shop-lifting, I'd just like to wish Mark Sturdy a very Happy Birthday. Hope you like the present. Sorry it's only a G reg, but FRED wages don't stretch too far nowadays (especially when you haven't been paid for two months). Now a small problem. I was wondering if anyone can help me. Being a lay-about, I have quite a lot of time on my hands, so the other day I decided to complete Back To School again. You must remember Back To School - it's a Speccy classic. I'll have to see if I can get it on FRED in the near future, actually. Anyway, I can't remember what to do with the frog. Can anyone help? CA Mud For It (ho ho ho, sigh) Did anyone see me on telly a few weeks ago? Did you, hey? Huh? I'm a good looking TV star hero, No-one else comes near-oh, But I can't find a line ending in zero, Erm, I like drinking beer-oh. I was on TV because, as you may recall, I went to Glastonbury. Hurrah! You can see me THREE times during Sting's set (no calling me sad, please). I was amazing. No, acutally I look like a right bloody lemon. The camera man decided to focus on me when I was singing, and for some reason I was doing really wide-mouthed singing. And I look like a tit. Never mind. It was great anyway. Three days of walking about in ankle deep mud watching the best bands in the world and drinking milk to stay alive. We went a day early, and on that day it was really windy and my mate's tent blew down in the night. The sod woke me up at 5 in the morning with his screams CA Pass Me The Shotgun? for help. It took me a good two minutes to get back to sleep. THEN he woke me again a couple of hours later when it started to fly away. Our tent managed to stay put despite being the smallest two man tent I have ever seen in my life. It was brown too. And it let in water when it was windy. And it really stank by the end of the week. Imagine putting a soggy brown sheet over your bath-tub, next to the toilet which doesn't flush, with the floor covered in mud, water, bits of food and sticky Jolly Ranchers, sleeping next to someone who has awful wind because he's trying not to go to the toilet and you can't wash for four days. That's what it was like. A bit like being in the car with Colin Macdonald, come to think of it. Never mind that though, because when I went to bed I didn't notice the smell (you can guess why not) and so it was only that wretched moment in the morning. The rest of the day was spent walking about. I saw 25 bands you know. Radiohead, Beck, Kula CA Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap.... Shaker, Sting, Ocean Colour Scene, Terrorvision, The Bluetones, Supergrass, Sheryl Crow (she is so fit), Dodgy, Cast, you name it, they were all there, and most were on top form. The Bluetones were the last band I saw and they were playing at midnight as my birthday started. Fantastic stuff. Oh, unfortunately, I missed the Prodigy. Shame, eh? Anyway, here's a picture of what it was like: stage speakers \+-------------------+ / /\ /\ +++ +++ ! ! +++ +++ /\ +++ +++ ! o o \o/ ! +++ +++ /\ /\ /\ +++ +++ ! A- A- R ! +++ +++ /\ /\ /\ +++ +++ +-------------------+ +++ +++ /\ / \ / \ / \ \o/\o/ \o/\o/\o/ \o/\o/ / \ / \ \o/\o/ \o/\o/\o/\o/\o/ \o/\o/ /\ \o/\o/ \o/\o/ \o/\o/ \o/\o/ \o/ \o/ ↑ ↑crowd ↑me tents CA THE FRED FANATICS TEST!!! Test to see how much YOU value your SAM and FRED magazine... Remember to be absolutely honest in what you do, not what your intentions are. 1: In the morning, there's some post. You get a bank statement, a new issue of FRED and a letter from a friend. Write down the order in which you open them. 2: There's a loading error when you boot FRED. Do you: a) Send it back immediately b) Send it back within a month c) Try and get what you can of it and then send it back d) Give up and throw it away 3: The latest issue of FRED is a bit empty. Your reaction is: a) No panic, it'll soon pick up b) Uh oh, I'm going to write something for it now c) Cancel your subscription d) Uh oh, I'll send him anything I can find CA Testing, Testing, One Two Three 4: How many items of yours (including letter, e-tunes, etc.) have been on FRED in the past 12 issues? 5: Rate the importance of the computers you own. 6: Once you've looked through an issue of FRED, do you: a) Leave it alone and wait for the next issue b) Play your favourite things again then leave it c) Keep going back to it over the next month or so d) Make a note of any useful/good things and use them 7: You want to use your SAM but there's a good programme on the telly in five minutes and you should also ring your friend up. Do you: a) Ring your friend. It's good to talk b) Watch TV. You can use your SAM any time c) Use your SAM, record the TV and ring them later d) Use your SAM - nothing else matters CA What a Good Idea 8: What do you use your SAM for? a) Mainly programming, but I enjoy using other software b) Games playing/utilities and occasional programming c) Utilities only d) Games playing only 9: How does your SAM live? a) It sits on my desk next to a TV all the time b) It's packed away unless I need it c) It's not normally in my main home (for you students!) d) I get it out of the loft at Christmas 10: I intend to: a) Keep using my SAM forever b) Pack it all in soon c) Keep using my SAM while there is a magazine going d) I don't own a SAM, this belongs to someone else CA Scoring... 1: Score using this table: ITEM 1st 2nd 3rd (score with item Bank Statement -1 0 1 and when they Issue of FRED 2 0 -1 are read) Exciting Letter 0 1 0 2: (a) 1 (b) 0 (c) 2 (d) -2 3: (a) -1 (b) 5 (c) -3 (d) 2 4: Score 2 points per item 5: If the SAM comes: 1st, score 5 [I scored 23 - CA] 2nd, score 2 3rd, score -1 4th, score -3 Lower, score -8 6: (a) -3 (b) 0 (c) 2 (d) 1 7: (a) -1 (b) -3 (c) 2 (d) 3 8: (a) 3 (b) 1 (c) -1 (d) -3 9: (a) 3 (b) 0 (c) -2 (d) -4 10: (a) 4 (b) -2 (c) 2 (d) -4 See how you fared by turning over the page.... CA Did You Score? SCORE RESULT 36+ Well done, you love your SAM. However, I think you love it a little too much and you should consider getting out more. 20-36 Yippee. You are indeed a good and dedicated SAM user. You are the sort of person who contributes to FRED and keeps the whole thing running. Well done. 8-20 You use your SAM on a regular basis, but don't pay it all that much attention, or maybe you just use things without giving feedback. Get your enthusiasm back for writing things for FRED, even if it's just the odd letter for the letters section. You're the people that make the difference between a poor issue and a good issue. 0-8 You're not very enthusiastic for the SAM any more. Why not spend an afternoon going over past issues and maybe write something. Then re-do the test. below 0 You are lazy vermin with no care for the SAM. Sort it. CA News COLONY - Sounds a bit like "Colin A" Well, Kaboom! may be 6 months late, but FRED have now released their first title under Darren's eager management - a game called Colony. Good old Darren, he's only here for ten minutes and he's already got a game out. Anyway, I haven't seen it yet, but the basic idea was mentioned last month. We should have a full review next month for you, but Darren tells me it's a game he's wanted to see on SAM for ages, and it's brilliant! FRED'S GOING REGULARLY AGAIN Apologies for the lateness of this issue and some previous ones. Editorials have been finished on time (this editorial was finished 4 weeks ago), but contributions have been holding us back a little. However, Darren has come up with a number of ideas and our main priority now is getting an issue out every month on the same day. I don't know what date of each month you'll get it, but expect something from Darren soon. CA News THE SHOW MUST GO OOOOON, OOH, YEAH Shows galore for the Autumn season, with another one in Leeds in September and one in Gloucester in October. The Leeds show is again in Wetherby and this time is on the 20th September. Darren unfortunately can't make it to the Leeds show, but FRED are very likely to be represented. Colin Macdonald (he's back!) and I are making arrangements to be there, so come along and see for yourself the wonderful new release Colony. For information and latest news on this, ring Darren or Colin on the usual numbers. Darren will, however, be fronting the FRED stand at the following show in Gloucester. It's round-about the 26th of October, but I'll confirm the exact date next month. Bob has cleverly avoided choosing the first week of University term this year, so there's no excuses for you students to not come, as well as everyone else within a 200 mile radius. Hey, even I should be there! CA Disc Contents LoveTrip (it's a real good place where we can get together. Yeah. Lovetrip baby, whooo) is a demo from Robby Pain. Yeah, Rob's back. Robby, Robby, Robert. How we've missed you. Once again Rob's had a couple of nice ideas and transformed them into an aesthetically pleasing and beautifully sounding demo. There's new effects never seen before and everything. The female stick person looks like Allan, I thought. Incidentally, Rob says in his scrolly that he intended his last demo for a certain issue, and it ended up on the next one because he was too late. Well, actually Rob, it was probably more down to my lightening speed production of FRED that it didn't get on. You know how I'm always so quick (no laughing). I read in the REMs of another thing he sent in that it may be his last. Don't go Rob. Come back and let us worship your bits and bytes once more. Show us your gloriousness again. CA Disc Contents Hey hey - someone who's programming a lot for FRED has produced a most impressive little work of magic. It's Martijn Groen, the man in the know, the man Stefan Drissen turns to when he can't program a hard bit, the man who sent in a demo a bit back and I don't know if it's been on yet because my FREDs are in Nottingham. But never mind, because this is... ZX81 emulator!!! A fully working emulator of the beloved ZX81, not only for you to dabble with, but there's also some free programs included. I'm not sure how many I'll include this issue, but Graffiti had me playing for half an hour. There's lots more (accurate) information and technical stuff in the read file which you can access off the menu. Martijn has also provided us with an RGB patch, so now you all also have a HUGE MEGADEMO to look at (if you've got the issue with RGB Demo on). Now you will believe your eyes. CA Disc Contents We also have a demo of a game! We've got it all this month, haven't we? It's a demo of a Mungus Soft game, IMPosters. The game is a clever, Lemmings-ish game, but instead of them walking about blindly, you have full control over one at a time. Each Imp has a different skill and you must use them as a team to get to the exit. The full game is available from Mungus Software and the address is probably in the game. Hold onto your hats next, because Anonimity is back!!! After a year in prison, he's been released and has written three more hilarious stories for your perusal. Spamtrek 8, Doctor Moo 4 and Cereal 7 are the three fantastic new episodes, which as you'll notice are in FRED text reader form this month because Anonimity says so. We also have a tip top handy dandy address book program by Darren Martin. It's simple to use and coincidentally is something which I wanted for my SAM and nearly wrote! Fantastic timing, Darren! Cheers. CA Disc Contents New and fabagroovy this month is Darrens column (cleverly put in slot D - D for Darren, you see). It's a long kinda thing with chat from Darren, jokes, reviews and the really long comprehensive price-list. It's longer than my editorial, too. This'll be a regular monthly thing as it cuts down on paper costs, and will be a fantastic excuse for FRED being late (hope Darren doesn't read that). We've got just billions of e-tunes to choose from, so, erm, it's a surprise who does them. Needless to say, I've done the scrolly and it's oh so much better than anything Allan could ever dream of doing. Adverts is an anagram of Vader's T. Although Darth Vader probably can't drink tea through that helmet of his. Not that he exists, obviously. I'm off to bang my head against a hard object. Bye. CA Thanks Chris Evans: DARREN "New column all to himself" WILEMAN Wiiiiiiiill: COLIN "TV Superstar Hero" ANDERTON And this month's ugly bloke with a talent is: COLIN MACDONALD with a talent for DRINKING! And this month's fat lookalike is: JAMES CURRY who looks like a fatter PAVAROTTI! And our star guests are: Martijn Groen Darren Martin Fungus.., sorry, Mungus Software Dan Doore Stephanie McGreal Mr. Lovibond ROBBIE ROBBIE PAIN Scooby Doo Graham Goring God CA Colin's Top Ten I'm bored. So here's some music stuff to annoy everyone. MY FAVE TEN ALBUMS THAT I OWN (in no particular order) (well, actually, the shorter titles are all on the right...) * The Divine Comedy - Casanova * The Police - Greatest Hits * Alanis M..- Jagged Little Pill * Blur - The Great Escape * Ocean Colour Scene - Moseley.. * Kula Shaker - K * Bluetones - Expecting To Fly * Suede - Coming Up * Manics - Gold Against The Soul * Pearl Jam - Ten Note that Oasis aren't there coz I don't own any of their albums because all I have to do is walk about for ten minutes and I'm bound to hear one. Also, the Ozrics fan is likely to be gutted. Sorry. I haven't put a Sting solo album in for fear of being beaten up and Ash don't make it coz he can't sing in tune. Oh, and the Spice Girls are fun to look at, but not as much fun to listen to. CA Colin's SECOND Music Page And now to oppose the last page, here's.... TEN BANDS/SINGERS I REALLY HATE (in no particular order because I hate them all just as much as each other) * The Prodigy * Puff Daddy (for ruining a great song) * R Kelly * M People (she never finishes words) * Chemical Brothers * Prince (because he's a tit) * Mick Hucknell * Michael Jackson (ditto and he's crap) * Olive * Tina Turner There's a million other groups that should be added to that list, but these are the ones who really make my blood boil. Add to that list ALL rave groups if you will. I hope none of these people subscribe to FRED, else Darren could be a little out of his league in court. CA Disclaimer All those views which have been brought to your attention are not necessarily the views of FRED publishing or its owners. Please do not take us to court, or even threaten us. It makes me cry. CA The Last Word / "I heard that Dan Doore, who has a thing above the 'e' in his name, was originally called Dan Doore, that's without a thing over the 'e' this time, but changed his name because he didn't like his 2nd name sounding like an object you open and close to get in and out of rooms. Also, he now feels more at one with his SAM Coupe. Apparently." Dan, please read the disclaimer on the previous page...!
DW It's Darren! Hello and welcome to another issue of FRED. Once again, a little late unfortunately, but we should be on time next month (ho ho!) The reason we are late again is that we are very thin on the ground with contributions - therefore, if you want FRED regularly again, please get in your contributions now!! Onto some very saddening news now. There is no easy way to break it to you - FRED 100 could and is looking to be the last ever FRED. It should be 20 months from now, so you still have over a year and a half to enjoy and get those contributions in. This has been decided after a lot of thought and FRED is at the moment costing more to run than it takes. People need to buy more software to keep the magazine going. Plus our costs are going up for discs. There are just not enough re subscribers to keep FRED going - I am putting quite a lot of my own money in at the moment and I cannot do it for much longer, sadly. This could also mean a pay cut for Colin - do it for him if not me as you all know he does a first class job in producing FRED after FRED after FRED. At worst, FRED may have to go bimonthly. This is one of the reasons behind us selling PC spares. If you are looking for a new drive for your SAM/PC, check out the price list later on in this section. If anyone has any other ideas or comments on keeping FRED alive, please please let me know. A lot of you also have, it seems been frightened off buying Colony / other products because of the lateness of Kaboom! Everyone who ordered Kaboom will receive a voucher worth 7.00 for software / hardware. Unfortunately, these vouchers are only valid with a purchase of £10.00 or over. It is possible that I am painting a darker picture than it should be painted, but the situation is getting pretty bleak at the moment. I thought I would give you an idea of what is happening to prepare you all for the worst - it could well be that FRED will continue well into the late hundreds. Onto lighter things - the Gloucester Show is coming up in a couple of months with NSSS 3 next month and approaching fast. However, I personally will not be able to get up to Leeds for the show, but Colin has said that he will try to get up and take orders. We will however be at the Gloucester Show. Please try to get down to this one and make it a big success. We need all the help that we can get (and the cash!!) You will now have noticed another cost cutting step to keep FRED going - the newsletter is now on the disc - and has it's own slot too!! In this, I will be trying to tell you what is happening in the SAM world from my point of view and having the odd review and telling you all a little bit more about my life and little am using stories and suchlike. Also, the story of how I came to be the proprietor of SAM's biggest and best known software house. Contacting us: IMPORTANT NOTICE Because unlike Colin Macd, I have a full time 9.00 'till 5.30 job, I am only contactable from 7.00pm unitil 9.00pm Monday to Thurdsday. Unfortunately, I will not be in Fridays or Weekends. The E-mail and Web pages were costing too much to keep up and hence both e-mail addresses have been cancelled and the web page will only be accessible for another 6 months. All this cost cutting may sound a little drastic, but it is the only way we can keep FRED alive. Also included is the price list for all of the products currently stocked by FRED. If you don't see it here, we don't sell it!! SUBSCRIBER'S PRICE LIST Impatience £4.00 The Later Levels £3.00 Dyzonium £9.00 Bulgulators £9.00 WaterWorks £9.00 WaterWorks II £9.00 Witching Hour £4.50 Lemmings £18.00 Oh No! More Lemmings £13.00 Football League Manager £12.00 Spectrum Classics £5.00 Best Of FRED £2.00 MOMENTUM £12.00 COLONY £15.00 Legend Of Eshan £12.99 Wop Gamma £8.99 T'n'T £8.99 Sophistry £8.99 Grubbing for Gold £9.00 ELITE £12.95 SAMPaint £22.00 SAM Vision £14.99 SAM C - £19.99 SpellMaster £9.00 BASIC Guide £5.00 Machine Code Guide £5.00 MasterDOS £15.99 MasterBASIC £15.99 GamesMaster £24.99 SAMPrint £14.99 OutWrite V2 £18.00 Style Writer £9.00 Stylish Images £3.00 The Secretary £12.99 Driver £24.99 MAGAZINES - all cost 2 per disc / 20 for any twelve of the same magazine FRED (issues 1-80, 11 and 24 double discs) Enceladus (issues 1-12) Outlet (issues 32-65) SCPDU (issues 0,1,2a,2b,3,4a,4b,5) Network Sigma (Issues 1 - 8) PLEASE NOTE: When placing your order, please ensure your name and address are printed clearly and if possible, include a phone number in case of a problem with your order. Prices shown are normal recommend retail prices. Please make cheques / POs payable to FRED PUBLISHING Please allow 21 days for delivery. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [redacted] between 7.00pm - 9.00pm Monday - Thursday HARDWARE Please note there is a 4.00 packing and posting charge per box sent. Please call to check prices / availability. SAM / PC Disc Drive: £18.00 Mouse Mats £Call FREE DELIVERY SAM Mice £12.00 FREE DELIVERY PC Mice 2 Button - Serial £5.00 Mitsumi HQ Serial £10.00 Digital Edge PS/2 £17.00 Firstmouse £10.00 PC Keyboards, 105 Keys, Win 95 £10.00 SAM/PC Hard Drives Quantum Fireball 1.2 Gb £125.00 Quantum Fireball 2.0 Gb £150.00 Quantum Fireball 2.5 Gb £180.00 Quantum Fireball 3.2 Gb £190.00 Quantum Fireball 3.8 Gb £225.00 FAX Modems 33.6bps Internal Voice £65.00 33.6bps Internal Voice BABT Approved £70.00 33.6bps External Voice BABT Approved £82.00 K56bps Internal Voice BABT Approved £85.00 K56bps External Voice BABT Approved £97.00 Blank Unformatted TDK SAM Discs £0.32p each Blank Formatted TDK SAM Discs £0.34p each Blank Unformatted PC Discs £0.32p each Blank Formatted PC Discs £0.34p each SIMM Memory 4MB £16.00 8MB £32.00 16MB £55.00 32MB £110.00 PC Speakers (also for use with Quazar Surround Soundcard) Sound Blaster 20W £10.00 Media Force Blaster 20W £15.00 Media Force Blaster 50W £20.00 Media Force Blaster 80W £25.00 Media Force Blaster 120W £30.00 Media Force Blaster 160W £45.00 3D Sound Dimension 300W £65.00 Speaker Accessories Bass Booster Box £45.00 Batteries (Pack Of 10) £4.50 Please note that some models do not need batteries. If you do not see an item here, please call and we may be able to supply you. Please make cheques / Postal Orders payable to "FRED Publishing". Please allow 21 days for delivery. Now, A few things to cheer you all up. This is a collection of jokes that I have been keeping for a while. It contains jokes about Lightbulbs and the suchlike - most have been e-mailed to me and some that I have just been keeping to myself for a while. They make most people laugh with a broad mind - please note that some of these jokes are of an adult content. Young children are advised parental guidance before reading these items. Jokes Tyson may have bit off more than he can chew. Evander Holyfield's new nickname: Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield (the other dark meat). After the fight Tyson was quoted as saying: "He tastes like chicken." After the fight, when asked if he would press charges Evander Holyfield said, "What? What?" Tyson: "I thwear to Allah, during a clinch he said 'bite me'". Tyson called me after the fight. He couldn't stop talking about it. I thought he'd chew my ear off." Stay tuned for Holyfield/Tyson III on Pay Per Chew. They already have a new Holyfield doll---with a detachable ear. Being the fine Christian man that he is, Holyfield turned his other ear. Tyson is apologetic about the incident. In fact, after they misplaced the piece of Holyfield's ear, Tyson offered to go bite off a piece of someone elses ear so that it would be a perfect match. Q. How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Five-one to hold the bulb in the socket and stand on a table and the other four to rotate the table. (This is the grandparent of all light bulb jokes, so it heads the list. You can use it against any group you want to stereotype as dumb). Q. How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it. Q. How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb? A. They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb. Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb? A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative. Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. 21-one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins. Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her. A. 2. What's a light bulb? Q. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A. 53. You got a problem with that, buddy? A. 65 -Why 65 ? I don't know, it's in the contract. Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?!? A. One. AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT! A. 11. 1 to change the light bulb and 10 to form a support group! A. 7: 1 to change the light bulb. 3 to protest the offense committed by the light bulb in regards to the socket. 2 to secretly wish they were the socket. 1 to secretly wish she was the light bulb. A. 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so. Q. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Five-one to do it and the other four to sit around and discuss how it's so much more gratifying than a man. A. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it. Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb. Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb? A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh Q. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Three, but they're really one. Q. How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it. Q. How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright! A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. A: Four; one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot better. Q: How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark. Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon. Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It doesn't matter; they think that all the available bulbs won't light up. Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier. A: None, they only screw the poor [Hurrah! A funny one! - CA] Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb. Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We do not discuss this with ladies and children present. Q: How many dysfunctional family members does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Light bulb? What light bulb? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/20 0/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead. Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who then hires his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs. Q: How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a light bulb A: One, but he uses a chainsaw. I hope that you all enjoyed at least some of those - admittedly, some are a little on the unfunny side of laughter, but never the less, I will be back with some more of the same, (but funnier next month. Remember to get your subscription in and support FRED as much as you can - while you have the chance. Take care and enjoy the rest of the sunshine! Darren Wileman FRED Bod 1997 Don't forget the NSSS and Gloucester Shows! <<>> CLASSIC SPECTRUM REVIEWS NODES OF YESOD Odin 1985 CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor AIM : Charlemagne "Charlie" Fotheringham-Grunes, apprentice saviour of the universe, has been asked to find the source of mysterious signals from the moon - a large black Monolith (just like "2001"!). Like any hero should, he promptly volunteers for the task of finding the Monolith... GAME PLAY : To get to the Monolith, Charlie needs to find eight keys or "alchiems", which look rather like crystals. The game begins with you wandering around on the lunar surface near some mole holes. Don't fall down a hole; instead wait for a mole to pop up and stand on it to descend into the caves beneath the moon. The moon is, it seems, infested with various strange monsters (such as teddy bears on springs??). Most are merely a nuisance, blocking your way, but some are definitely harmful. You can however destroy them by jumping on them and so squashing them. As well as this, you will have to cope with muggers - astronauts in red spacesuits whose aim is to rob you of your alchiems. The task of finding the eight alchiems is complicated by the size of the cavern system; not all of the access routes are clear, so you will have to use your friendly mole to make extra tunnels. The game includes features such as whirlwinds that teleport you around the caverns, which might make exploring easier or alternatively leave you somewhere you would rather not be. Huge, deep shafts also exist, which can mean the certain loss of a life if you fall down one - unless you are luc ky and find that the one you just fell into has a very powerful up-draft. Extra lives can also be found scattered around, which is just as well. Your vital signs are continuously ticking away, your current life force is steadily draining and your movements slow with every beating you take. When you get an extra life you will also obtain gravity sticks, which render muggers harmless and also cause all monsters in the immediate area to fall to the bottom of the cavern. COMMENTS : A great little game, which can still keep you happy for a few hours. NOW : A nice platform game, with some very pretty graphics (for a Spectrum!). ATF Digital Integration 1988 CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor AIM : War has broken out in a future island archipelago. Both sides are evenly matched on the ground... but one side has a single squadron of ultra-modern Lockheed ATF fighter-bombers. Can you alter the balance of power with these few planes? GAMEPLAY : Your first decision is over what ammunition you will take on your mission. The ATF can be loaded with cannon shells, visually- guided ASRAAM missiles (which are not much use!) and more powerful Maverick missiles with a range of 100km which can take out over-the- horizon targets, selected from a database. Your refuelling and rearming is vital, and weaponry must be balanced against fuel supplies so that the ATF can fly within safe weight limits. The levels of arms and fuel are shown on bar graphs. Once you've armed and fuelled you can begin your main mission. After a takeoff using maximum thrust, the ATF's speed must be maintained to avoid stalling and crashing. Flying low over a vertically-scrolling landscape, the ATF comes under constant attack from enemy forces. Enemy radar can be avoided with terrain-following equipment, but this reduces your speed and carries the risk of a crash. DISPLAYS : A head-up display superimposed on the main screen shows engine thrust, the ATF's speed, ground height and altitude. The missile system available, the current direction of flight and a target's range and bearing are also shown. Beneath the main screen, further indicators show fuel level and undercar riage status (UC), and warn of incoming missiles (SAM). An in-flight message window gives vital information on your mission, and a short-range scanner to the side of the main screen shows the type of terrain below and nearby enemy objects. Approaching ground-to-air SAM missiles trigger a warning alarm and with luck you can jam them in time using the ATF's onboard jammer . COMPUTER: The ATF also has an on-board flight computer, showing, on a series of flick-screens, enemy positions on a world map and the status of weapon systems and the ATF itself. The computer also holds a database for locking onto targets which is updated regularly as your intelligence service and on-board detectors find new targets. An automatic landing light (AL) is activated when the ATF enters the cachement area surrounding allied bases. When a base has been chosen, an automatic landing sequence can be activated. A war situation report - giving a rundown of all recent gains and losses of allied and enemy bases, ground and sea forces, and communications and industrial complexes - is called up whenever the ATF return to an allied base. Your intelligence services will give you extra information at this point on the location of enemy forces. COMMENTS : "Excellent, impressive arcade elements in a user-friendly simulation." RATING : 89% NOW : Although it has aged a fair bit, ATF is still not bad, although it would be stretching it a bit to call it a simulation. A 16-bit version (ATF 2) was released on the ST and Amiga around 1991 but wasn't half as good. ATIC ATAC Ultimate 1984 CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor AIM : You are stuck in a castle which contains five floors with around 40 rooms per floor. The objective is simply to find the three parts of the Great Key of ACG, which will open the main door and let you escape. GAMEPLAY : Run a round shooting things, pick up food to restore health and search for the key pieces. There's also the secret passages - which ones you can use depends upon which character you select, whether knight, wizard or serf. For example, some secret passages are concealed within the large barrel-vat things on the walls , and others are behind the grandfather clocks, but only certain characters can use those passages. COMMENTS : "Fast moving [and] fun to play." NOW : Simple enough, but an all-time classic arcade-maze game. There are "unofficial" versions of Atic Atac on the Amiga PD scene. SIR FRED Mikro-Gen 1986 CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor AIM : Once upon a time there was a wise old King who ruled over a happy land. Everyone lived happily ever after - except wicked Baron Hugh D'Unwyt and the king's daughter, whom he's kidnapped. As all the other knights are away a-questing, it falls to the aged and corpulent Sir Fred to rescue her... GAMEPLAY : In classic arcade-adventure style, Sir Fred has to collect object and solve problems as he penetrates the defences of Castle Feare, the Baron's stronghold. The objects are found in different locations each time you play, which complicates mapping somewhat, but must be used to complete the various tasks which you'll need to do. They can be picked up using the Select key and are displayed along the bottom of the screen. A blue box highlights the currently selected object; to use this object, press the Use key. Some weapons can only be used a limited number of times, so a little counter appears above the window and decrements every time the object is used. Once the counter gets to zero, Sir Fred loses the weapon and will need to find a replacement! There are a number of weapons to be found including a sword and a bow and arrow. Sir Fred himself has only a limited amount of energy (and only one life) so you'll need to use the weapons to defend him from the various creatures inhabiting the castle. COMMENTS : "A great platform adventure that's quite novel". NOW : A (relatively) simple but still enjoyable runny-jumpy-picky uppy game - sort of a souped up JET SET WILLY, really. VIRUS Firebird 1988 CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor AIM : The country has been invaded by waves of hostile alien spaceships. Instead of attacking military installations, however, they are intent on polluting the landscape with a lethal red virus which kills off all plant and animal life. Determined to counter this threat, a pilot is strapping himself into the cockpit of his state-of-the-art Hoverplane. This is equipped with the latest technology - long-range scanner, laser cannon and smart bombs, all of which will be needed to destroy the a liens. GAMEPLAY : The action is shown in 3D with wire-frame vector graphics showing the Hoverplane and the enemy ships. The contours of the landscape are shown by a pattern of undulating squares representing the earth's surface. The long-range scanner in the top left corner of the screen shows the position of the enemy ships in relation to the Hoverplane. Gauges above the main playing area show the amount of fuel remaining and the plane's altitude. Extra fuel can be obtained by landing at home base. The Hoverplane is controlled by thrusting the engines and rotating the craft. At high altitudes, the fuel supply is automatically cut and the plane lowers rapidly towards the ground. You move, helicopter-style, by dipping the plane's nose and thrusting. You can refuel by landing on one of your landing pads. During play, a map of the land can be displayed showing polluted areas in red. All enemy ships in the attack wave must be destroyed before the whole map turns red. Each wave contains many different aliens, including the following: 1. SEEDERS - flying saucers which hover and sometimes land, spraying the virus. 2. BOMBERS - high-flying alien ships which drop "packets" of virus. 3. FIGHTERS - fast-moving ships which try to shoot you down. 4. PESTS - small kamikaze alien drones which try to collide with you. Collision with any alien ship results in the immediate destruction of the Hoverplane. If an alien attack is defeated, you gain a bonus score determined by how much of the landscape remains uncontaminated. An extra Hoverplane and smart bomb are awarded every 5,000 points. COMMENTS : "A playable conversion of a 16-bit game. Just slightly too hard too keep you really hooked." NOW : A frustrating game. The attribute clash is hard to bear too.
Letters & Reviews
Letter/Postcard From Colin Macdonald Dear Colin, : : Finally found a city : that can outdrink the : Scots - wow! : Lovely picture : of Mardi Gras, Earliest to bed: 4AM : New Orleans. Latest: 10PM, after a : 24 hour session. : : It hurts. : : Colin : : CA Sigh Incidentally, I got this postcard the day I'd decided Evesham was the most boring place in the world. Siiigh.... Letter From Madame McGreal Hello Colin. Yeah. It's me. Very probably here with loads of drivel for you to spend hours typing in again. BUT WAIT... It's on disk! Hurrah! I bought Pro-type yesterday, at the show. Yeah, the groooooovy funky groovy, er, "good" show. Groovy in many ways, really. Firstly, Mungus made lots of money (more than other shows), by putting on a little rainbow Spam thing (long story), to transfix small crowds of people, and then we gave them flyers and sold them stuff. It was great. It was also groovy that I met many lovely SAM owners who care enough about their machines to turn up (shame on you if you didn't!), and didn't get sat on by Bob (which I suppose means he hasn't heard about Rob Quedgely, the totally ficticious bad guy from Colin's Time Trousers...). Letter From Stephanie McGreal The bestest thing of all was the discovery of MIALL, the artificial intelligence language thing. After teaching it a few facts about certain SAM owners, we interrogated it on Bob Brenchley. Amongst other things, it told us that "Bob is a fat lard arse","Bob is a turnip",or a drunk, or a conman, or evil, and one one occasion, it said (shock horror!) "Bob is good". We concluded that it must have been a bug. It was fantastic watching people prompt the next choice phrase right under Mr. B's nose, and then running away as if they hadn't typed anything. Like you said on one occasion, isn't it lucky he doesn't read FRED? (actually, MIALL asked us if Bob was the fat FRED editor...) For the record, if Bob ever DOES try to sit on me, the above views are probably not mine, and I didn't make MIALL say any of those things. It was all James's fault. Ho ho ho. And I've come home laden with possesions, some of them to help me set out on my coding career. FRED 60, which I bought for Letter From Stephen McGreal Pro-type also contains Mnemodemo1. I have decided not to let the likes of genius coder types put me off. I am going to make the likes of Mr. Zambonini, Mr. Collier and Mr. Pain go "Oooh, how did he write that 3D texture mapped graphics engine with 50 channels of music?". Well, maybe not, but beware: There's a new coder on the horizon. And I'm stuck to that horizon unless I can wrap my head around how paging works... MIALL told me last night that my mother was a Tory MP with a nude green biscuit and a boy. It also complimented me on how I spit in an erotic way. When are you going to review IMPostors? I had to give another copy to Daz Wileman at the show (I hope he doesn't mind me abbreviating his name. I think it sounds cool anyway, if you ignore the washing powder reference), 'cos the last one got lost somewhere. I think I need to explain something to Allan Clarkson and the Letter From Stephen McGreal FRED readers. When I did the Greetz things for Colin's Time Trousers, I wasn't saying hi to James Curry and Graham Goring for making FRED what it is (as Allan ranted about in the E-Tunes scroller), I was saying Hi to James and Graham , and ALSO to Colin and Colin (and it was THOSE who I meant made FRED what it is, being the editor and (at the time) boss-like director type person). James and Graham, are, on the whole, pretty lazy. Graham did a stunning job on FRED 68, but not much since. James... well. This in itself is not a problem: there are lots of people who rest a bit between contribs - the problem lies in the fact that the gits were in my FFL! team (James at least, I can't remember if Graham was), busy scoring no points. I am the highest scoring bloke in my team (I reckon that I could nitpick at least 25 points out of you, but I can't be bothered). Can I use this program to send in E-Tunes scrollies? It keeps wanting to justify my text left right and centre (geddit?), so all the spaces are uneven. I want to write scrollies. It is my destiny! I am going to fill FRED with scrolly drivel and there Letter From Stephen McGreal won't be a thing you can do about it! Don't fight it: I am the future - I'm all there is! Bwahaahaahaahaa!!! (Ahem) I'm soooo glad people in FRED are appreciating my efforts. People hardly ever write in to FRED to say something was good, do they? Thanks to Peter Holmes for the very welcome ego boost. And as a result: a follow-up! The Impostors Demo! Okay, so it's a blatant advert and a re-hash of a game I've already programmed, but FREDders might find it a bit of fun. Do I get vouchers for plugging myself like this? I somehow doubt it. Anyway, about my contributions: I want to tell FRED readers how I got to be so amazingly good. Well, first I started programming. Pretty soon, I had a game finished. Then I programmed a better game, and then a better one. There really is nothing more to it. I'm no more skilled or clever than any other FRED reader, or any SAM owner, for that matter. If you Letter From Stephen McGreal don't contribute to FRED, go out and buy a copy of GM or SCADS and teach yourself. There is nothing more satisfying than having programmed something on your own, for other people to enjoy and compliment you on. Except maybe Cadbury's Chocolate Spread. Right. I'll sod off now then. Have a lovely day. Hell, I'm feeling generous: Have two! And a flyer. Shine On, Stephen McGreal P.S. When do I get my £10 FRED voucher for Colin's Time Trousers? Or could you just stick another ten quid's worth of issues on the end of my new subscription? Cheers. By the way, the new font is okay, but the "a"s look like "o"s. aoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoao. See? Sort it. Letter From Stephen McGreal P.P.S. Does anybody know why MIALL sometimes gets all cross and says ERROR:PROGRAM ERROR just as the conversation gets good? How do you stop it? P.P.P.S. Why does the Imploder keep saying Out Of Memory? And who sells Sam Adventure System these days? P.P.P.P.S. And finally, a joke: Q:Why do girls wear make-up and perfume? A:Because they're ugly and they smell! Hohoho. That's funny. Us SAMmers don't need girls do we? No, we have our SAMs for company! Don't we? Don't we? Where's everybody gone? Oh dear... CA Reply To Stephen McGreal My, what a mighty long letter. Top marks. However, don't pretend that you were trying to save me lots of time. I know you. You deliberately saved it in Pro_Type form instead of ASCII form, knowing FULL WELL that I was in Evesham and my disk with Pro_Type on was in Nottingham, meaning I had to convert it by hand. Oh yes, Mr. McGreal, I'm onto you. You watch your back... MIALL truly is a cool program. I spent many an afternoon teaching it to swear when it was first sent in. It didn't appreciate my hard work, and soon became quite an offensive young man. How I remember our vicious arguments and how well he learnt to use a new swear word the second I introduced it. Bless him. He kept going on about red cars, too. Anyway, how did yours put the words fat and FREDitor together? You spit in an erotic way? That's worrying. CA Reply To Stephen McGreal Good luck with the coding. I once tried that. Ha ha, what fun. Apologies for not reviewing IMPosters yet. I know it should have been reviewed millions of years ago, but I was too busy correcting your points for the FFL league that I had no time to do reviews. I think you'll understand. Anyway, I'll have a review done for the next issue. Well done for clearing up the "who makes FRED great" issue. I knew you didn't mean Graham and James - after all, how could sitting around all day eating and playing on other computers help FRED? Ha! I'm sure Allan will appreciate your explanation when he gets back from swanning around in America - grrrr. Ooh, look, shock - another complaint about FFL points. You're quite the competitive person aren't you? Tell you what, at the next show, bring your best marble along and then we'll see who's the best. CA Reply To Stephen McGreal You're more than welcome to write e-tunes scrollies for FRED. Just send them in on whatever format you like (you will anyway). Except on paper, obviously. That'd be really stupid. I use Outwrite, which is nearly perfect for it. The only glitch is that if the word fits right up to the end of the line then you have to press space twice to get the next gap. Bug. You're right - you don't get a voucher for having a demo of your game on FRED. You should pay us really, but don't worry, because we're so generous here. And Stephen's right (twice in one letter, blimey) - anyone can learn SCADs, and GM isn't that much harder. Hey, if someone with Stephen's IQ can do it, so can you (and your cat). I'm sure Stephen will be showing us how his skills have improved in the very near future with a new game, huh Stephen??? Huh??? Sorry to everyone who we owe vouchers to. They'll get sorted CA Reply To Stephen McGreal out in September, so expect them around then. We'll even maybe give you a bargain at the next show for being so tolerant (an extra 20p off if you're lucky). The o's only look like a's because my o key doesn't work on my computer, so I have to type a instead. Erm, yes. I don't know about any of your other problems, but if anyone can shine a light like Katrina did, then write in. Letter From Darren Martin Dear FRED, Summer's here!! Time to catch up on the SAM world, time to start programming things I have no intention of finishing, time to finish things I started last summer. I miss my little buddy when I'm at uni. Now then where did I finish?...ah yes, Epicenter, hands up who wants a solution...no one, aw well you're gonna get one anyway and think yourselves lucky. Perhaps I made Epicentre (FRED 74) too difficult, but once your over the river its a doddle, for anyone who's completely stuck heres the entire solution, if I can remeber (its been a while). East, E, N, take carcass, S, W, N, NE(bridge), SE, take stick, NW, E(across bridge), NE, E, Up, drop carcass into lake (this draws the pirhanas away from the bridge), S, lever boulder using stick (this blocks off the main river but floods the smaller river with the bridge), drop stick. Letter From Darren Martin N, Down, W, SW, W(across flooded bridge), SW, N, kick pile, take rock, S, S, W, examine boat, take knife, E, S, S, W(beach), take screwdriver, E, N, E, E(across dry river). N, cut tree using knife, drop knife, take resin, S, SE, SE, examine tree, throw rock at tree, take swipe card, SW, E, S, examine valley, take oars, W, S, E(to opposite beach & dinghy). Examine dinghy, repair dinghy using resin, row dinghy using oars (you will now arrive at a separate island). E, open door panel, insert card into panel, W, NE, unscrew generator using screwdriver, insert screwdriver into generator, SW, E, E (into I'chters HQ). Examine cupboard, take key, Up(into bedroom), take book, examine book, drop book, take CD ROM, unlock cabinet with key, take file examine file, Down, E, Insert CD ROM into computer (you can also put the FRED disk into this computer), S (into elevator). Letter From Darren Martin Press the appropiate button (follow the clues from the file and CD ROM) - you will go down into a control room upon which a security alarm is activated! S (into store room), examine boxes, examine I'chter, take tool, N, examine cylinder, open panel, insert tool into panel......The End (or is it?) This won't give you a 100% score but you should finish it. Does anybody know how to poke data into Steve Taylors mouse driver 2 for the user sprite, as the instructions that come with it are a little vague for a computer illiterate clot like me; I've got a pointer designer just begging for this information. Mr. A, many months ago you asked if somebody had a copy of SAM Adventure System to sell so you could design an adventure based upon SAM characters. Well, I want to keep my copy but I would be quite willing to join forces to make such a game in the near future. You the story and me the programming and a bit of vice versa ? Contact me if your interested. Letter From Darren Martin Colin got free noodles vouchers? I got a complimentary copy of SAM Adventure Club disk from Phil Glover after writing Epicentre and an opportunity to play test an adventure game coming out soon. Wyrd Sisters as a cartoon? Doesn't quite work for me. The Pratchett humour is too subtle. British hand over of Hong Kong to the Chinese, was that sad or what? Poor old Chris Patten. Tyson, you idiot!!! (No one tell him I said that though, I like my ears the shape they are). Broke! Bankrupt! And what happens? Paul Weller & The Prodigy & Radiohead release new albums!! Not a moments consideration for us poor students (2 years down, 2 more to go, how the hell am I going to survive?). Letter From Darren Martin Will the NASA Mars probes find anything? Me thinks not (I write this 7 hours before Pathfinder lands). My God I've been ranting haven't I? Anyone would think I was on speed. Of which I have no experience whatsoever (!). Yours exhausted, Darren Martin I'd print my email address but I wont be at uni for 3 months and the email system is finally being updated and so all old usernames are being erased. CA Reply To Darren Martin Hey, you know what it's like to have the same name as the FRED boss now, don't you? It's wierd isn't it? Ha ha, that's something Stefan will never be able to boast! Hang on a minute - you said, "here's the entire solution, if I can remember". Don't give me that. You surely didn't type the solution in from memory. I don't believe you. The SAM Adventure System idea sounds quite cool. I'd be hopeless at the programming, but I'd be more than willing to set up a story-line and help with the map and puzzles. Just tell me if you want it on paper or whatever, and send me your address. You got a free copy of SAM Adventure Club disk, eh? Very well done. The other day I got 6 free recipies and a small sachet of Paprika through the post, although I'm not sure why. Quite an intellectual letter, there Darren. Talking about CA Reply To Darren Martin issues of the day and everything. I watched Newsnight yesterday, for some unknown reason. Amazing, or what? If you want my advice on how to get all the CDs you want on such a low budget, then buy the Radiohead one and if you really want the Paul Weller one, sell any other Prodigy CDs you may have to a 2nd hand record shop and use your money to buy it. Forget the new Prodigy one because in a few months, you're bound to realise that they're crap. DM Movie Reviews By Darren Martin -The Fifth Element (PG) Directed by Luc Beeson Starring Bruce Willis,Gary Oldman,Mila Jovovich (pronounced Yanavich),Ian Holm A very brave and aloof Luc Beeson opened this years bi-centenial Cannes film festival with this sci-fi gem. The Cannes establishment so used to monopolising on the more respectful non Hollywood artsy films is still in shock from this gross commercial blockbuster smash. Set in the future mankinds existance is under threat from an evil intergalactic intruder, only the prophesised "fifth element" (working in unison with earth,wind,fire and water) can stop it. Trouble is the future wasn't expecting the fifth element to be in the shape of the beautiful Leeloo (Jovovich) who crashes in on taxi drivers' life, Korben Dallas (Willis). DM Beesons vision of the future, some are saying, is the way Hollywood is going to be thinking. Gone is the post-apocalyptic doom and gloom of Bladerunner; enter prosperity, optimism, colour, and vibrance; a bit like it is now but better and more technological. Primarily set in New York (now drained to leave Manhatten atop a great plateau) we have some SPECTACULAR special effects particularly of a multi layered New York complete with thousands of floating cars, taxis, and Chinese food junks(!). Bruce Willis is back on form as confused Die Hard type hero, Oldman seems to enjoy himself as nerdy spoilt badguy, and Jovovich (words cannot define this womans beauty, I want to eat her with a spoon) is great as the child like Leeloo. Top this off with costumes deigned by Jean Paul Gaultier, models everywhere, cameos by British comedian Lee Evans,American comedian Chris Tucker camping it up brilliantly, and music cool guy Tricky as Oldmans henchman. I cannot praise this film highly enough, okay so there isn't DM much plot to talk of, but it makes up for this pure fun and colour. Rating: ***** (out of five) [Colin says: I agree. Bruce is brilliant again in what is a fantastic sci-fi thriller. He is so good in the "Die Hard" type roles. The humour works well whether it's spoken or visual, and there's some clever ideas of the future (the cigarettes have longer filters than, erm, the white bit). Mila is just lovely, and I could happily join Darren in his spoon eating meal. I was a bit shocked (and, yes, pleased) to see a bit of nudity in a PG, but who's complaining?] DM -Batman and Robin (PG) Directed by Joel Schumacher Starring Arnold Schwarzeneggar,George Clooney,Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone This summers big blockbuster opens with a bang and then fizzles out with a pop. Weeks before it release the PR machine began to roll, the movie gained impetus and the public began to drool in anticipation: was Clooney up to the batsuit, does Arnie deserve top billing, were Uma and Alicia gods gift ? Prior to big movie release I try to bury my head in the sand so to not pre-judge it. Now that I've seen it what do I think ? WASTE OF TIME. The film never seems to get going and so becomes boring. A 10 year old dreamt up the story and the sets were designed by a colour blind schizophreniac. Schhmachers direction is good but there are too many pointless scenes. The baddies have become more important than Batman, played superbly by handsome Clooney but whos talent as a serious actor seems out of place amongst DM this farce. The Batmans have changed, no longer are they dark stories about hurt,revenge, and crazed psychos, now they are kids stories. The interplay between Bruce Wayne/Batman and servant Alfred are the highlights in a pantomime movie of primary colours and inflated egos. Rating: ** [Colin says: I went to see this by accident (there were no other films on within an hour). Happily, there was a power cut after about ten minutes of cheesy filming and awful jokes. They sent us outside to get a free emergency ticket which could be used for any film, and I got three by going up to different people! I used them much more wisely.] Movies to look out for this summer: Men In Black, starring Tommy Lee Jones & Will Smith A cross between Reservoir Dogs and Mars Attacks The Lost World:Jurrasic Park, starring Jeff Goldblum,Pete Postlethwaite. Contact, starring Jodie Foster. Francis Ford Coppola's Independence Day with brains. Swingers, I haven't heard much but apparently this is VERY cool. Volcano, Tommy Lee Jones again trying to stop the lava in LA. Speed 2:Cruise Control, Sandra Bullock (Yummy),Robert Patric get all sea worthy. Hercules, Disney send up of the Greek myth, James Woods, Danny DeVito,and Tate Donovan (currently engaged to Jennifer Anniston)
Also in this issue, Anonimity Smith's
- SPAM TREK - THE NEXT GENERATION - EPISODE 8
- DOCTOR MOO - AMAZING TIME TRAVELLING ESCAPADES
- CEREAL PART 7 - TWO'S COMPANY