Submitted by Dan Dooré on Wednesday, May 23, 2018 - 12:13.
|Menu||Dan Dooré Sean Bernard|
|Body Bits||Darren Martin||Medical Quiz|
|Monsoon||Robert Pain||M/C Demo|
|Pacdemo||Simon Owen||Si Owen's Pacman Demo|
|Viking Raiders||Richard Quirk||Strategy Game|
|E-Tunes||Jack Bailey Bob Brunsden||E-Tracker Music|
|Chaos Theory||Colin Anderton||Bizarre Chaos Trascript|
|Zx81 Games||Martijn Groen||More Games For The Emulator On Fred 80|
|Waveplayer||Martijn Groen||Wav Player|
|Modules||Dan Dooré||Amiga Modules 64mania / gentle winds / krestmas / crystal rain|
|Bits N Bobs||Colin Anderton||Actually Jokes|
CA It's Me! ___________________________ ooooooo ! ! ooooooooo ! Hello, this is a little ! oooo oooo ! what I look like in the ! ooo oo ! reflection of my TV (but ! a o ! not so freaky). So, it's ! a * * a ! quite a good way of ! a i i ! personally saying welcome ! i j i / to another issue of FRED. ! Yes, I do i i /_____________________________! have a neck, -> /i === /\_ but I was / \____/ \_ ducking so I / \_ could see / \_ myself. ! \_ ! \ <- Note the pretty good ! ! / rolled up jumper ! ! \____/ \ effect! ! ! ! \ \ CA Regular As Clockwork, That's Me... It's literally two minutes since I finished FRED 80, checked through the contents (probably missed lots of errors) and even now it's waiting for tommorrow morning when it'll be shipped up to Darren. "Why the rush?" you cry. Well, mainly because I have nothing better to do, but also because we want this issue out a month after the other and this way, it might happen! Despite this, though, I've got plenty brewing up inside my head to talk about. You see, I wrote the last editorial way, way, way, way, way, way, way before I finished the issue, so I'm just bursting with things to remember. Colin MacD is back and keen to find out how things are going. The last card he sent me didn't have any writing on, you know. Just a signature! The cheek of it. I know his game - he just wanted to make me jealous. Well, it may have worked for a small period, but at least I'm safe in the knowledge that he's back and he's in even bigger debt than me (spiteful laugh). CA Whoooo Hooooo "Colin, what have you been doing?" you say, with your finger on the skip-5-pages key. "Ha, ha!" I reply delightedly, unaware that no-one cares. Darren and I would appear to have something in common (almost). Fresh from my Glastonbury experiences (the E-coli disease is progressing nicely, by the way), I craved for more. So, being the mad, wild, spur-of-the-moment man I am, I went to one day of V97 in Leeds. Naturally, I went to the Blur day because I despise the other day's headliners. Darren was going to V97 too, which I thought was great. Except he was going to Chelmsford instead. Anyway, it was lovely. Blur said that Leeds was better than Chelmsford, so ner ner, Darren. At last I saw The Divine Comedy, and Divine and Comedic they were. "Once, de dum dum dum, There was a ti-iiiiime, I could find pretty words to sing....". Blur were top, too, as were Kula Shaker and Dodgy and, ooh, everyone else I saw. Didn't have the Glastonbury odour to it, but a nice day out all the same. CA Back To The Future The other page, I was talking about Colin being back. Well, now it would appear that everyone is back. I'm back in Nottingham and Allan is back in Leeds. Allan's hanging about in Leeds for the rest of his life now after being kicked out of university and now he has dreams of being a pop superstar (hee hee). I'll leave the rest of this page for Allan to slag me off now. AC I'm Back! A QUICK POEM: Christmas Pic No. 1: Colin is crap Colin does smell _/(_/(_o_o_)\_)\_ When I see him \ / \ / I don't feel well /_ _ \ )_ _ _\ )/ )/ \( \( AC Jingle Bells Well hello guys and gals, and merry christmas (though this issue probably won't be out 'til well into January given our track record!) Anyway, I've taken time out from becoming a pop No. 2: superstar to write a few words and help Colin to _____ get out the first issue of Fred for about... ooh... (_____) six months or something stupid. (_______) ( . . ) I didn't know that you'd been to V97 in Leeds, Col! ( / ) (I was probably asleep when you told me.) You could ( --- ) hear it from my house, y'know, though it was the \ / weekend before I got back from the US, I think, or / \ something, so I missed it. I can't believe Darren ( . ) went to Chelmsford. Honestly... they haven't even ( . ) got a Harvey Nichols there. Pah. ( . ) ( ) AC The Sanity Clause I must visit Nottingham sometime, but I'll be sure to stay away from Colin and his dingy world. Did you know that he wears his socks eight times before washing them? And no-one in his house ever washes up. Or bathes. Or brushes their teeth. You can tell that I've run out of things to tell you lot - I've taken to randomly slagging off No. 3: Colin. Lots of fun, though. Well, let me think _ _ - what has happened to me recently? Erm, I got \\ // stranded in Blackpool in the middle of the night __\\_//__ by our ex-drummer. I'm not a big fan of Black- l W l pool at the best of times, not least at 1am on l W l a cold morning in October. Anyway, it saved me lWWWWWWWWWl having to tell him that we'd decided to fire him. l W l l W l Every cloud has a silver lining, eh? l____W____l AC Greasy Turkey No. 4: I hope you can tell what these pictures are _)\_oo_)\_ of. I'm no ASCII-art expert, but I think )___/)___/ think they're recognisable. Well, I hope / O . \ they are, anyway. / o o \ /. . . \ The third NSSS has been and gone, as has / o O \ the umpteenth Gloucester gathering. I _ / O . . \ _ had nothing to do with the NSSS this \__________________/ time, which was nice. There's this awful moany woman who does some crappy coffee morning there, and needs eighty-three tables to put out baskets of Nice biscuits and key-rings and rubbish. Anyway, she came in and said to me "I'll need that table, that..." "No," I said, "It's got nothing to do with me. Go moan at that person over there". I pointed to George "come on Eileen" Boyle, the organiser of this NSSS. Ha ha haaa! AC Socks No. 5: ___________ (MMMMMMMMMMM) At the show, I sold every computer thing I (WWWWWWWWWWW) own apart from my SAM stuff (obviously) l l and made an absolute packet, too. Lovely! l l Scary though, but for the first time since l l 1985 I don't have a Speccy (apart from a l l brief period in 1991), but it doesn't l l bother me much. I had a big sign round / \ my neck which said "Make me an offer" (cue / l glances from David Ledbury) and another / l sign which read "All prices are / l negotiable", and a massive 1-ft-high- l / letters sign saying "Allan's Bargain l / Basement". I did my market stall man act l / all day, held auctions and generally tried l _______/ my best to sell the lot. Which I did, at \__/ ridiculously low prices. Ask anyone! (Erm.. it's a Christmas stocking... sorry...) CA News Shannon is leaving Home and Away. In fact, she's probably gone by the time you read this. I can't believe it myself. What is worse is that they're cutting lots of her and Mandy, so we won't even get the full pleasure of her departure. Well, I don't mind telling you, I am gutted. Please send all cards of condolence to the usual address. And if anyone complains because that wasn't computer news, then I'll find out your name and humilate you in the pages of FRED. AC Dear Colin, I think it is a disgrace that you should attempt to make news out of Australian soap operas, especially seeing as though they have nothing to do with computers. I shall stop my 38-year old son from reading this filth and am terminating my subscription immediately. Regards, Ken Sutherton AC Disco Tents On the D key of Christmas, my true love gave to me... BODY BITS. Sounds rude, but calm down. What we have here is a wonderfully executed medical quiz game. It's a bit like Tibs & Fibs on Channel 5, only funnier. Instructions are in the program. On the E key of Christmas, my blue glove gave to me... MONSOON. It's a text scrolly demo music fest jamboree jobby by Robby Pain. A joy to watch with an interesting scrolly... Watch it to the end for a big surprise! AC Discontent S On the F key of Christmas, my true love lathed a pea... PAC-DEMO. PAC as in PACMAN and DEMO as in DEMONSTRATION. It's a demonstration (i.e. a showing of a product or other) of Pacman (i.e. late-70's maze game featuring yellow sphere pitting his wits against some ghosts.) You know the score. By Si Owen. On the G string of Christmas, my white dove gave to me... VIKING RAIDERS. It's a strategy game of some sort, the main strategy being A) how to play it, and B) to finish the program. For some reason, Richard Quirk wants Colin to finish it. As if... AC Dis Con Ten TS! On the H day of Mix-match, my ruler gave a whee... CHAOS THEORY. Or how Colin spends his free time. On the J day of Chrimble, my hoop-la ravey dee... ZX81 GAMES. More of the blocky blighters to play on last issue's free ZX81 emulator. Fan-dabby-dozy, eh? Ron da K way not Rimble, dry who guv Mavis B... WAVEPLAYER. A PC .WAV file player... there's three included but I think you need a SAM-DAC to play them. Included is a program called "SETUP" for use with this Martijn Groen prog. AC Thanksyou King Kong - Darren "entourage" Wileman King Ralph - Colin "all alone" Anderton King Dong - Allan "babe-magnet" Clarkson The above would like to thank the below: Dan Doore Richard Quirk Martijn Groen Bob Brunsden Darren Martin Si Owen Jack Bailey Rob Pain Your mom FRED Publishing [redacted] CA Colin's Top Ten This month, a personal favourite subject of mine. My top ten women! (Not that you ever get to see any real ones, Ando -AC) 1. Louise - I'm off to see her in November 2. Isla Fisher - The wonderful Shannon from Home & Away 3. Jennifer Aniston - She's lovely, and she's in Friends 4. Sandra Bullock - Go and watch Speed 2 5. Helen Baxendale - Cardiac Arrest doctor 6. Cameron Diaz - I love her 7. Claire Danes - Juliet (I've got such a big poster) 8. Cindy Crawford - Say no more 9. Nastassja Kinski - Foreign bodies in my system... 10. Melissa George - Angel, Angel, why did you leave??? A friend of mine told me the other day that he thought Anne was the best Neighbours bird. After my laughing, I quizzed him why he chose her instead of the wonderful Sarah (who would be 11th in the above chart) and he said she was too good looking! Could someone please explain what the hell that means??? CA Ten Over-rated Women As with last month, I'll do an opposite top ten. However, it would be awful to do a Ten Ugliest Women chart and something I would never even think about. So, here's a chart of women who are regarded as really good looking, but in my opinion shouldn't be rated as high as they are, which isn't to say they aren't nice, but, well, you know. 1. Gillian Anderson - I can already feel the hate mail coming 2. Tempany Deckert - Selina from Home and Away 3. Teri Hatcher - Nice, but not No. 1 like she was voted 4. Ginger Spice - She comes last in my fave Spice Girls 5. Paula Yates - Yucky yuck yuck yuck 6. Tina Turner - Come on everyone, she's old 7. My cousin - She's a model (how????) 8. Martina Hingis - Breezy tennis skirt, but come on, lads 9. Allan Clarkson - He is a bit of a girl (Oi! -AC) 10. Marge Simpson - Look, she's a cartoon character, OK? (I couldn't agree more about no.1 here, she's awful. -AC) AC Allan's Top Ten Hmmm... what could I do for a top ten? I know! How about my top ten smells? Well, it's worth a try... 1. The inside of my guitar case - I wish they could bottle it 2. Bakeries - fresh bread and doughnuts 3. My cat's forehead - pummy! 4. Clean sheets - not something that Colin sees much of 5. Secondhand record/book shops - musty loveliness 6. Reeves & Mortimer - "Iiiiii love the smell of..." 7. My grandad's pipe tobacco - not sure why... 8. Apples - big, juicy APPLES! 9. Bacon - when it's being cooked 10. Hot chocolate - mmmmmm... An odd top ten, but fun none the less. Not that smelling things is a major part of my life, of course, but there's no harm in making the odd list or two. Though it's a bit odd. \l/ -*- /l\ l /l\ /\/\\ Have a very happy /\*/\\\ //\/\\o/\ Christmas and a o/\\o\\/\\/\ From all at ///\\*/\\o merry New Year /\*/\\\///\ FRED. /\o/\//\\o\\\ //\\//\\\//*/\\ See you in 98! /\\/\/*//\/\/\\\\ o ///\\/\/o/\ o /\\//o\\/\\/\ //*\/\//\\\*\\\ o __llll__ o \______/ \____/ \__/ AC The Last Word "You're cut too, Shushy."
Letters & Reviews
Letter from Darren Martin Dear FRED, If this is appearing on FRED 81 or later then I have missed an issue of FRED, this being the case there are 5 possibilities: 1. FRED has liquidated (God forbid) 2. My sub is out and I've not been reminded 3. I am having a strange but very boring dream 4. FRED 80 was lost en route to my house 5. er, I can't think of a fifth. Number 4 being the most probable explanation could the kind but all powerful sires at FRED send me my number 80 (seeing as I have already paid for it). Should the lost copy turn up in October 2012 in a soiled and crumpled envelope I will have it framed as the latest ever copy of FRED! Sarcasm aside, please accept my latest half-hearted contribution which I started some time ago and finally got around to Letter from Darren Martin finishing this summer after leafing through a dog-earred human anatomy textbook (no, I'm not a pervert). (Gees, Kiss FM is playing some crap tune... I know, Radio 1. Ah, thats better...Oasis, Oh God how I hate Oasis!) Darren. AC Reply to Darren Martin Hello, Darren. I'm assuming that Big Wileman reads this and checks out your sub and so on. But no, Fred hasn's gone into liquidation (well, I hope not, otherwise I'm writing this without reason!). AC Reply to Darren Martin And yes, Kiss FM is crap, and so are Oasis. (I don't mind the one song they've done, but I wish they'd change the tune.) Anyway, thanks for all your bits - remember people, we need more and more contributions (I've run out now, and this is everything we've had since July or something). CA Letter from Ando Dear Allan, You're great and I'm crap and I deserved to be hit by that book. Regards, Colin. AC Reply to Ando Yes. Aaaaand now, ladiz and gentalmin, Daaaaren Martin's Movie Reviews! And lovely they are, too! DM Movies These movie reviews ain't so big this time...too much to do elsewhere, sorry. -Addicted to Love (15) Directed by Griffen Dune Starring Meg Ryan,Matthew Broderick,Kelly Preston,Tcheky Karyo Cutesy romantic comedy with a gentle twist created by the hint of insanity in its main characters. Ryan and Broderick play jilted ex-partners whose exs' have set up home together. Ryan wants revenge, while Broderick meticulously maps their lives through an ingenoiusly complex telescope thing to predict the exact moment when his ex-girlfriend (Preston) will break up with her new boyfriend (Karyo), Ryans ex, so he can get her back with a comforting shoulder to cry on. When things don't quite work out that way he turns over to Ryans point of view: Revenge. Spanner in the works: Ryan and Broderick start to fall for each other. DM Movies Nothing special, some funny moments but in a clever adult style that gives it its 15 certificate. Ryan instead of the cutesy character is the tough talking one and it is up to Broderick to supply the devastated adorable one. Karyo supplies some of the comedy too as the randy french chef. Rating : ** (out of five) -Men In Black (PG) Directed by Barry Sonnenfield Starring Tommy Lee Jones,Will Smith,Linda Fiorentino A marketing campaign to match Jurrasic Park and Independence Day means you've probably all already seen this. Protecting the Earth from the scum of the Universe goes the tag line and it delivers the coolness and fun in bucket loads. Smith plays rookie new recruit to secret government agency MIB, partnered by weathered Jones. The agency acts like customs on aliens, DM Movies keeping out the undesirables and finding new identities for the others who seek refuge on earth. Trouble starts when one nasty alien starts wreaking havoc to find a hidden "galaxy" on earth. The pairing between Jones and Smith is superbly slick giving both characters intense likability. The style although predominantly wry and funny has dark undertones that give the film extreme coolness. The special effects have carried over a comic book style to pay homage to the films origins, but while still being realistic. Some incredibly nice touches inherent with a Sonnenfield film are present. Don't go into this film expecting it to be a typical summer blockbuster. This film has style and slickness that leaves the inevitable question...sequel? Rating: **** -Grosse Point Blank (15) DM Movies Directed by George Armitage Starring John Cusack,Minnie Driver,Dan Akroyd This is good. This is very good. Cusack plays Martin Blank who after much persuasion by his secretary (played by Cusacks real sister Joan Cusack), has decided to go to his high school reunion at Grosse Point, but he also happens to be a professional killer. Right, title explained. Going through a bit of an occupational crisis of faith Blank decides a trip back to his old school and home town will be good for him. Plus he will have a chance to catch with his high school sweetheart played by Driver. Oh yeah, he also has a "job" to do out there. On his trail is rival assasin played by Dan Akroyd trying to eliminate the competition. The film mixes dark themes of death with lost love and reminiscence, and gives it all a gentle stir with romance, comedy and sarcasm. Cusack,as we know,is a formidabble actor and DM Movies he seems well at home in such multi-layered film. The interplay between Cusack and Driver works well and the whole quirkiness of the script plays well alongside the stylish direction. Dan Akroyd gives a gusto performance in an altogether unmissable film. Rating : ***** -Speed 2: Cruise Control (15) Directed by Jan De Bont Starring Sandra Bullock,Jason Patric,Willem Dafoe Was a sequel to a gimic film really such a good idea, especially with the absence of Keanu Reeves? Well yeah, even though the freshness of the original could never be repeated and the premise is a little stretched, the film still works (just). The lovely Sandra Bullock is promoted to top star reprising her role as Annie. The beef is replaced by hunky Jason Patric as Alex as DM Movies Annie's boyfriend. The two take a cruise to the Caribbean where Alex intends to propose marriage. Of course things don't run that smoothly, especially when Dafoe turns up as an ex-employee of the boat firm who installed the comprehensive computer system that he uses to his own devious needs. With Alex being of the same LAPD squad as Keanu he steps to the rescue as Dafoe takes control of the boat, forces an evacuation, and then sets the boat on an unstoppable collision course with an oil tanker. Jan De Bont is a trend setter in action flicks and he provides all the necessary thrills and spills you'd expect. The pace that was so influential in Speed is never quite present on a boat doing 60 knots (25-30 mph). But Patric is a competent action hero and Dafoe gives a nasty turn as the madman. Bullock, who shone in Speed as a suprise heroine, seems to provide just the quirky comedy lines here. Rating : *** DM Movies Flicks on the horizon: Event Horizon : The Shining in space they're calling, Sam Neill, Lawrence Fishburne, Sean Pertwee, Joely Richardson; and it was made in Britain. Contact : Indepence Day with an IQ; Jodie Foster in the adaptation of Carl Sagan's famous novel. Airforce One : President Harrison Ford is taken hostage on his own jumbo jet. Nothing to Lose : Tim Robbins and Martin Lawrence in a comedy bad guys buddy movie. Face/Off : Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in a John Woo action flick. DM Movies Hercules : Disney piss take of the Greek myth; James Woods and Danny DeVito supplying voices. Nuff said. Austin Powers - Internationnal Man of Mystery : Mike Myers, Elizabeth Hurley in comic twist on 60's style in the 90's. Very far off flicks: Bond, Godzilla, Superman, The Avengers, Zorro, The X-files movie (snore).
CA Jokes At a recent SAM meeting, Bob Brenchley stood and began his usual report in a rather strange way. "If there are any idiots in this room, will they please stand up," he said. After a silence, Colin Macdonald rose to his feet. "So, why do you consider yourself an idiot Colin?" Bob asked. "Well, I don't actually," said Colin, "I just hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." After the meeting, there was a party. Half way through the party, a fire started. Bob tried to make a dash for the exits, but they were all covered. "There's only one chance, we'll have to jump out of the window," said Bob. "But that's ridiculous," shouted Stefan Drissen, "we're on the 13th floor!" "This is no time to be superstitious," cried Bob. How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? One, if you slice him thin enough. CA Jokes What do you call a donkey with three legs? Wonky. Lawyer to Micky Mouse: You can't divorce Minnie just because she has buck teeth. Micky Mouse: I didn't say she had buck teeth, I said she was f***ing Goofy. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Four, one to change it, and three friends to brag to about how he screwed it. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. What's brown and sticky? A stick. (Do these get any older? - Allan) CA Jokes How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but washable" Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in a lift with the Spice Girls. Why did God invent lesbians? So feminists wouldn't breed. What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers? Your mum. What do you call a chicken in a white shell suit? An egg. CA Jokes What do you call an Essex girl with 2 brain cells? Pregnant. Macdonald, Anderton and Drissen sat in a pub after the Gloucester SAM & Spectrum computer show. The topic comes round to their borther's names. "My mum was going to call my brother Eric, but he was born on St. George's Day, and so they thought, why not.... and called him George." Anderton says, "Funny you should say that because my mum called my brother Andrew because he was born on St. Andrews day." "My God!" says Drissen, "The exact same thing happened with my brother, Pancake." As the policeman helped the bruised and battered Colin up from the road in front of the pub, he asked, "Can you describe the man who hit you?" "Oh yes," said the student, "That's just what I was doing when he hit me." CA Jokes Man : "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the book." Man : "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the book too." "A bar of soap please." "Certainly sir, scented or unscented?" "Thank you, I think I'll just take it with me." Colin and a girl are in the park. Colin tries to show off and says, "I've got five sweets." So the girl says, "I've got six". Colin then boasts, "Well, I've got 8 conkers." The girl, unimpressed, says, "I've got 9 conkers." Colin then drops his trousers and says, "I bet you haven't got one of these!" In response the girl lifts up her skirt and says, "No, but I've got one of these and so I can get as many of those as I want!" CA Jokes Genuine statements taken from insurance forms: "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with the tree I didn't have." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him." "I backed into my neighbour's parked car. It wasn't my fault. He was supposed to be at work." (Colin, didn't Jasper Carrot do a load of these on TV?) CA Jokes A worried father confronts his daughter one evening. "I don't like you're new boyfriend. He's rough, common, and bloody stupid with it." "Oh no Daddy," the daughter replied, "Colin's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month." A cheese sandwich walked into the bar and ordered a beer. The barman gave it a strange look and said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve food." What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge. Why did the cat fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. How do you get milk from a cat? Steal it's saucer. CA Jokes What's blue and white and can't climb trees? A fridge with a denim jacket on. "Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup" "Yes sir, it's fly soup." What's blue and white and CAN climb trees? A South American tree-fridge with a denim jacket on. "Just look at me," declared the robust old timer. "I don't smoke, drink, or chase women and tommorrow, I'll celebrate my 80th birthday." "You will?" replied the student, "How?" In which month does Colin Macdonald drink less? February. (think about it) Why don't elephants like penguins? They can't get the wrappers off. CA Jokes What's the one worse thing than a chauvenist pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. In case of fire do not attempt to use the lifts - try a fire extinguisher. Why can't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny. Jesus went to Mount Olive - so Popeye decked him. Two students were bored. "What shall we do tonight?" "Dunno. Tell you what, we'll toss a coin. If it's heads we'll go to the disco, if it's tails we'll go to the pub. If it lands on it's edge, we'll do some work." Engineers are baffled by the fact that girls with the most streamline shape offer the most resistance.
CA Chaos Before I begin, I'd like to check that we've all played Chaos before. If not, then you're missing out on what is undoubtedly the best strategy game in the world. It's on FRED 63, so go away and play it for a week. Then, and only then, will you begin to appreciate the incredibleness of this article. The board is setup like this: +------------------+ !1 2 3! The contestants in this game are: ! ! !4 5! 1: MATT (Colin's housemate) ! ! 2: GRAHAM GORING !6 7 8! 3: COLIN ANDERTON +------------------+ 4: ALLAN CLARKSON 5: STEPHEN MCGREAL 6: COLIN MACDONALD 7: BOB BRENCHLEY 8: STEFAN DRISSEN Let the games begin...... CA Game On The first round in Chaos is often the most crucial. It's the round in which you want to be casting 80-100% chance spells, or you can really screw yourself up. Matt casts a Faun, Goring casts an Eagle and then (shock) Colin's 80% chance Magic Wood fails. Surely a bad sign. Now he can only sit and hope. A Lion-a-thon build up on the left with Clarkson and Macdonald each producing the hairy beast. McGreal fortunately fails to cast a zombie, so Ando looks pretty safe. 1st movement - Matt moves down. Then it's Goring's go and he instantly takes a dislike to the only non-SAM person by killing him with his eagle. "F***ing Hell!" says Matt, and walks off. Excitement doesn't decline in this game, as Macdonald instantly kills Clarkson with his lion, which on the next round Goring Magic Bolts to death. Ando's other 80% chance Magic Wood fails and he stands like a lemon in the corner. McGreal takes the opportunity to cast a lion. Ando runs away, but he's too slow for the angry lion, who eats him instantly. Bugger, both human players are dead. Erm..., erm, oh whoops, I've accidentally reset the computer. NEW GAME! Everyone restarts in their original positions, and this time there's a feeling of real anger in the air. On the very first rund, Matt fires off a Magic Bolt at Clarkson, who by some miracle survives the whole ordeal. "How did he survive that?" screams Matt. Ando meanwhile, learning from his Magic Wood problems, opts to cast a scary crocodile. McGreal, clearly jealous of such a beautiful creation, attempts to disbelieve it. Ha! Never in a million years, mate. Meanwhile, no-one elses spells work. Brenchley certainly isn't very good at this game. A goblin for Matt, a wolf for Goring, and then..... Hurrah! Colin at last casts Magic Wood! Glorious Magic Wood all over the screen. Yum yum. Once again jealous of Colin's wonderful creation, McGreal casts a Gooey Blob next to Ando in the hope that it'll eat him. Meanwhile, Goring, Clarkson and Macdonald all advance towards Matt's corner. Ando advances into his Magic Wood and Drissen cowers in the corner, still devoid of any spells. The chaos builds.... Matt casts an eagle and Clarkson gets his Magic Fire out, kindly casting it frighteningly close to Macdonald. Colin kills McGreal's slimey blob and his alligator makes its way towards the desperate wizard. Macdonald has a good round, killing off Clarkson's attack with his hydra and horse. Goring's wolf survives an attack from Matt's eagle and then kills it. He then adds more salt into the wound by casting an eagle all of his own. Brenchley takes advantage of the large chaos and successfully casts a 100% chance Magic Fire. Ando gets a new spell, but it's not necessarily that good because Goring's great big new eagle is advancing. Clarkson attacks Matt with an orc.... and kills him! The first death of the game, and it's Matt again. "WHAT?!?" shouts Matt, "Clarkson survives a Magic Bolt and I get killed by some little blue shit with a knife!" Well, once one death occurs, you know that the next is only just round the corner. Anderton's slowly advancing crocodile finally gets the chance to attack McGreal. And succeeds. McGreal is gator bait. And Colin cowers in another magic tree. Meanwhile, things are looking dubious for Macdonald who is now almost completely surrounded by Clarkson's Magic Fire. But wait! Anderton casts a Green Dragon! Clarkson, undisturbed by this, raises a gorilla from dead. Shock, horror, because Drissen finally casts a spell! It's a scary wraith and now he can at last unleash the full terror of his one-man army on the game... Macdonald leaps on a horse and Brenchley hides behind his spanking new Magic Shield. Ando casts up a wraith with the intention of putting Drissen out of the game and then suddenly, Brenchley pulls a trick out of his sleeve and casts a Golden Dragon. At last, Macdonald meets his inevitable fate and is consumed by Clarkson's rapidly growing fire. Ando gets another spell and is once again forced to run to another tree. Ando sends his creatures to get Goring, but in four attacks only manages to kill Graham's weedy elf. Also, his attempt to get Drissen fails as Drissen's wraith makes mince-meat of Anderton's. Also, Goring cheekily runs into one of Anderton's nice magic trees. All the action is in the top right now, as Goring casts a hydra, only to have it dark powered by Anderton. And while we're using this dark power, Ando decides to use it up on Drissen's wraith. Stefan is once again spell-less. The amount of fire on the board is getting silly now. Drissen, not happy at having his wonderful creation killed creates.... dun dun duuun.... a bear! Anderton, not happy with Goring's presence in his Magic Wood crocodiles him out and then uses his dragon to burn Goring. Somehow, Goring survives the mighty fire breath and casts a giant. Brenchley, dangerously close to Clarkson's fire casts a bear even closer to it. Drissen now appears to finally have got the idea of the game and conjurs up a vampire. Oh shit. A stunning crocodile attack on Goring by Anderton wipes Goring clean of the face of the board. "And let that be a lesson to anyone who dares enter my trees!" shouts Ando triumphantly. Clarkson remains dull over the left hand side. Bob rather strangely sends his bear into the middle of Allan's fire. Hmm. In a desperate attempt to, well, not die, Colin disbelieves Drissen's vampire. It works! The board is still a fire-a-thon and it doesn't help that Bob's gooey blob is spreading at an alarming rate. Rather oddly, Allan attacks Bob's zombie with a lion. Tish, Allan, don't you know real creatures can't attack undead ones? You plonker. Drissen then pisses everyone off by casting even more Magic Fire. This is getting silly. Colin's dragon kills two creatures on this go, but Colin forgets about his crocodile and zombie who were making their way around Brenchley's gooey blob (which now covers the middle of the screen and is nearly cutting off the top). Clarkson and Brenchley launch a full-on attack on each other, clashing in the only way through between Allan's fire and Bob's fire and blob. Clarkson improves his odds by getting a Magic Bow. Meanwhile, Stefan casts a centaur (where has he been hiding all these spells?). Bob attempts to disbelieve Ando's dragon, but the spell fails. Ando has no choice now but to cast a manticore and escape from Bob's fire. Clarkson now has an army of the dead attacking Bob, and Stefan decides to send someone to get Bob too. Poor Bob. Allan shoots Colin's zombie dead (even though it's taken half an hour to get it from one side to the other). Sigh. Colin sends his dragon after Bob, and casts Magic Bow. It really does seem to be all against Bob now. Colin casts an elf. Things really are getting desperate. Allan attempts a second disbelieve on Colin's crocodile, but surprisingly it fails. Drissen gets Gooey Blobbed to death! Hurrah! The end of each turn takes hours now waiting for all the fire and gooey blob to spread. Colin, stuck in a corner now due to Bob's advancing fire and blob attempts to cast Justify on Bob, but it fails all three times. Bob however, manages to "Raise Dead" a lion. Now, that's going to be hard to kill. Colin's dragon gets stuck next to Bob's bear, and neither manage to make a successful attack. Colin brings out an eagle, his final trick. Then suddenly, Allan's fire spreads onto Bob, burning him to ashes. Half the screen disappears. Allan, clearly having run out of good spells, begins aimlessly disbelieving stuff, unsuccessfully. Colin's eagle advances, only to be shot clear out of the sky by Allan. Colin uses his last spell and fires gooey blob next to Allan. Allan cunningly uses "Law-2". Hmm. But then, on Anderton's gooey blob's first attack, it spreads onto Allan! Allan dies and Colin celebrates by making his elf fire an arrow at him, which he easily survives! And so the contest finishes. Anderton is victorious, and everyone else is dead. Ha ha ha. What a great game. HONOURS LIST 1st : COLIN ANDERTON 2nd : ALLAN CLARKSON 3rd : BOB BRENCHLEY 4th : STEFAN DRISSEN 5th : COLIN MACDONALD 6th : GRAHAM HORING 7th : STEPHEN MCGREAL 8th : MATT DOBBY Chaos, by Julian Gollop, is PD and is on FRED 63.