Fred 53

Issue 53

Magazine

CA          AND HERE'S YOUR HOST... COLIN ANDERTON!

Happy New Year!  Welcome to 1995.  It's still 1994 for me but,
hey, I won't let that minor point get in the way of your
celebrations.  It's not long until Christmas for me actually, so
I have lots to look forward to.  Hurrah.

As you will know, I'm not Scottish.  This means that I won't be
able to tell you countless stories of typical Scottish New Year
celebrations.  I know that this is a bit of a regular for FRED,
and its absence from this issue will be a bit of a shock to you
all, but I'll make up for it.

After a severe telling off, and a 92% wage cut from Colin, I
should apologise for the amount of spelling mistakes for last
month.  They were all typing errors, and I was too lazy to check
the text.  My pay is going back up to 50p if I don't make any
errors in this issue.  So, from now on, I can promise that FReD
is the oonly dosc migazoone nat to hav any spling or typinge
mistkaes.

CA                           PHEW!

Well!  I just received FRED 52 (Yes, I get it too!) and it was
the 24th December!  I had completely forgotten that the disc
copying company takes a lifetime to copy discs before Christmas
due to excess orders.  So, I happily chatted away about ordering
things, knowing I would finish FRED weeks before Christmas day.
Sorry to anyone who wanted to order something late in the month,
but wasn't aware they could ring. And the rest of you can stop
laughing at my "There's still time to order before Christmas"
and "The last posting day is the 19th December" lines. I
honestly thought FRED would be out on the 16th/17th.

Still, I'm sure you'll all make up for it by buying FRED
software with your Christmas money, huh?






CA                       POETRY CORNER

Due to the immense popularity of my lovely poem last month, I've
decided to write another:

          "EVERY TIME I RING, COLINS OUT"      by C. Anderton

There once was a disc mag, which people called FRED,
And it had the most wonderful, jolly young Ed.
The Ed's name was Colin, a lad who was funny,
He worked his backside off to make his boss money.
His boss had the same name, but wasn't as kind,
He'd dock Colin's wages for getting behind.
He spent hours at the local, and never got home,
So when people rang, they got the damn answer-phone!
So now you should see that there is no surprise,
That the whole population has now memorised...

"Thank you for calling FRED Publishing.  I'm sorry that there is
no-one in at the moment.  Please feel free to call again later."

CA                         PD SHOCK!

Apparently (and I'm 90% sure about this) Julian Gollop has said
that his Spectrum programs are now public domain.  Julian Gollop
wrote such wonderful programs as Rebelstar, Laser Squad (wow!),
Chaos (is anyone going to write a SAM version?) and Lords of
Chaos.  If this is true, it means that people are free to copy
them willy-nilly.  A sound choice, Julian.  Let's face it.  How
many more Spectrum versions of these games are going to be sold
by shops in the future?  Probably none, certainly no more than a
dozen.  Maybe other programmers will follow suit soon.

I actually wrote something here completely innocently, and about
5 minutes later found out from someone that it actually had some
relevance, which I didn't know about which forced me to write
over it with complete and total garbage.  You don't have a clue
what I'm going on about, but I really don't care!

                Sanity resumes on the next page.


CA                   LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY

The FRED contribution pile is getting dangerously low at the
moment.  Can everyone out there please make a BIG effort to
write some demos or games, or anything.  Obviously, I'm most
interested in main menu items, but anything will do if you don't
think you could manage that.  If you're stuck for ideas, here's
a whole list of things you could do:

DEMOS: Mostly the same. Making them look nice is the main thing.

UTILITIES: Pools prediction program, scientific calculator,
           Music/screen/sample convertors, improvements to
           previous utilities...

GAMES: Card games, gambling games, GAMESMASTER games (If you can
       program in BASIC, you'll be able to use Gamesmaster),
       strategy games, puzzle games, board games (not often
       done, but just as playable), etc...

OTHERS: Funny animations, stories, articles...
CA                    WORK, WORK, WORK...

Now I thought of those on the spot.  You can do better than
that.  Sit down and plan something.  Gamesmaster is a very good
buy if you want to produce some smooth games.  If you get stuck
using Gamesmaster, write in.  If I can't solve your problem,
I'll find someone who can.  The last thing any of us want is for
FRED to have to come out every two months.  I wouldn't be able
to afford it, that's for sure.  And I don't want to go back to
strawberry packing again.

I know lots of you have the ability, but are just too lazy.  Go
and do some programming.  Build the quality of FRED up to the
sort that was seen in issue 50 (and, I think, 52).  And leave
those Amigas and PCs alone.  They can have a rest.  Face it,
they aren't very good anyway.  Not compared to your old faithful
SAM.

Also, if possible, could you write the date on the disc you
send.  I have lots of discs left over from Brian, and don't know
how old they are.  All discs will be returned (sooner or later).
CA                           NEWS

Unfortunately, rising prices have caught up with FRED once
again.  We have managed to freeze price changes for the past
year, but regrettably increases in disc prices, duplication
costs, etc.. have forced us to update our budget.

The good news is that the last thing we want to do is to make
FRED more expensive, so instead we have reduced costs rather
than increasing prices.  FRED will remain at the same price.

The major change is that as of this issue of FRED, most
contribution payments will be stopped.  These payments proved to
be very costly for FRED, and as the magazine is non profit
making, we simply can't afford to keep them up.  Instead, there
will be a 'Contribution of the Month' (in much the same way as
the Star Letter in YS).  This contribution will be paid the
usual £10.  This contribution will ALWAYS be in slot 'D' of the
magazine.  The choice of this is mine alone, and will not be
changed later.  Don't get the idea that we'll always be paying a
certain bunch of programmers who are very talented.  I don't
CA                            NEWS

think that's fair, and I choose.  Variety is the spice of life!

This is something that we have been trying to avoid for a long
time, but FRED magazine simply cannot afford to continue paying
for all main menu items.  Please don't let this deter you from
contributing.  Most of you write programs because you enjoy
programming.  This is a measure to keep FRED at the high quality
it is without increasing the price of the magazine.

The second change is that everything FRED sends out now will go
second class.  This change shouldn't affect people as much.  It
only means a difference of 1 day in postage terms.  As for the
disc magazine, I'll just finish it a day earlier.  Software and
hardware will also be sent second class, but hopefully this
should not pose much of a problem. If there is a reason why you
need something sending urgently (Eg. Birthdays) you can give
Colin a ring and sort something out.

These are the only changes that we will be making at the moment,
CA                            NEWS

and Colin Macdonald and I hope you can see that this is simply
to keep the cost of FRED stable.  Please try and understand.
Hopefully, with these new measures, we can keep FRED at the same
price for at least 1995.


       --------------------------------------------------

I think that line was needed there as we enter a slightly more
cheerful news section.

Apparently, in the new Lemmings cartoon (see FRED Dec 1994
newsletter) the SAM Coupe is to make an appearance.  Just as
100 lemmings fall off a cliff, the SAM comes flying to the
rescue.  Unfortunately, the SAM can only handle 50 lemmings, so
the other 50 die.  Ho ho ho.  Jeez, what an obvious lie.  Mind
you, a bigger lie would be if I said I couldn't wait to see the
new Lemmings cartoon.  Mind you, the SAM conversion impressed
me, so maybe the cartoon will as well.....  Nah!
CA                            NEWS

        MACDONALD SHOCKS ALL IN ANSWER-PHONE MYSTERY!!!

It was revealed last night after I rang Colin up, and (surprise)
got his answer-phone that he has, wait for it, changed the
message!  Yes, after twenty four years of the same message,
Colin decided he'd update it.  Of course, that completely ruins
my poem, but that's probably why he did it.  No doubt he had an
inside tip about my latest batch of insults, and decided to
attempt to make a mockery of me.


Colin has also asked me to pass on the message about ringing him
up.  He would like it for people to ring before 10:30pm at
nights, because his phone is loud, and his family don't
appreciate it.  Also, it may be advisable to ring after 12
midday on Saturdays, because Colin will still be in a bad temper
with a hangover after Friday night.  If he's up by then that is.

Isn't it funny how you can predict wage cuts?
CA               ANOTHER UNIVERSITY INTERVIEW

Yes, this time it was slightly more interesting than the trip to
Warwick, but only because I have trouble and hundreds of
paranoid attacks when travelling by public transport.

I had an interview at Lancaster University, and (as if by magic)
I knew someone who lives just outside Lancaster, so planned to
stay at their house.  I was originally supposed to drive up, but
I've got the biggest worrier for a mother you could imagine.
So, after a big argument, she told me that I was going by bus
and train and she'd pay.  So, I decided that I'd have three
days off school and make a little holiday of it.

Public transport is a big hate of mine.  I always know something
will go wrong and always get some fat smelly bloke who crushes
me when he searches for things in his coat pockets sit next to
me.  The first problem was that I had to get up at 6:45.  It's
been years since I saw a number 6 at the start of my clock.  I
turned my radio off and 'just closed my eyes for a second'.  My
mum came running in at 7:15 screaming something about me being
CA                         CHOO CHOO

fast asleep, and my bus being in 28 minutes.  So, I forced
myself up, staggered to the shower, got wet and staggered back
again.  I assume I ate and drank and got changed because I ended
up at the bus stop with my suitcase and a distinct marmitey
taste in my mouth, but I remember nothing.

The bus journey to Birmingham takes 2 hours.  It's a 40 minute
trip by car, but the bus goes via hundreds of villages.  Quite
cunningly, I put my suitcase on the seat next to me to prevent
wierdos sitting next to me.  Clever, huh?

Apart from being extremely boring, nothing else happened.  Oh,
except that the driver couldn't drive and nearly killed us
twice.

I'm sure Colin Macdonald could tell you this, but Birmingham New
Street station is like an airport.  It's ridiculous.  I was 40
minutes early, which really is a good job.  My paranoid attacks
began hitting me again - is the train still running, was there a
CA             HMM, THIS IS LONGER THAN I THOUGHT

mis-print on my timetable, has it crashed, etc, etc...  Well,
I bought my ticket and accidently stumbled across a cake shop.
Tripping over my suitcase, I threw some money into the hand of
the woman behind the counter, and accidently said "Large cream
bun please".

I ended up after 20 minutes on the platform.  I got all those
paranoid attacks about being on the wrong platform and about the
train not being long enough, and should I stand on a different
bit of the platform.

I got on the train when it arrived (on time - faint) and was
moved by the conductor because I had sat in a reserved seat.
Who reserves seats on a train?  I suppose it could be royalty!
Or someone off the radio who wants to do an interview on a
train.  Anyway, I sat in the closest seat, just in case.  Some
bloke who I didn't recognise sat in one of the seats and lit a
cigarette.  Oh no!  I've only gone and sat in a smoking carriage
and I can't really move to another, because that's really rude.
CA                HELLO IF YOU'RE READING THIS

This bloke was quite nice.  He kept offering me cigarettes.  Of
course, being a non-smoker, I declined.  Remember kids, smoking
kills.  It's not big, and it's pretty stupid.  He then opened a
bag and got out a beer.  Did he offer me any of that?  Oh, no,
not once.

I decided that I would learn from Colin Mac's mistakes, and not
go to sleep.  Instead, I decided to lie back and 'close my eyes
for a second'.

I woke up as the train pulled into a station.  I looked out of
the window and saw 'Preston' on a sign.  Where the #@*$ is
Preston???   After sitting there trying to focus and think, I
realised that the time may give me a clue as to where I was.
Phew, there was still another 12 minutes until I got off.  I
looked up to see everyone giving me funny looks.

Lancaster is a really nice place.  If anyone is looking at a
university to go to in the future, it's campus based and has
CA                     NOT LONG TO GO NOW

really nice surroundings.  I actually went to the university the
night before my interview as well because my friend (hello
Robert) is a member of their Role Playing society.  So we spent
a rather enjoyable night of Role Playing and card games with
lots of mad, long haired students.  Incidently, half way through
this, my watch stopped.  This was quite unlucky because I had an
interview the next day.  Then I remembered, I'd forgotten my
letter with the interview time on it.  Oops.  And I couldn't ask
my mum to get it, because it was in a locked cupboard.

The next day, I ended up in Lancaster University at 10:45 only
to be told my interview was at 1:45.  After looking around
Lancaster and the University, I turned up at 1:30.  I had to
keep dashing over to the campus bank to find out the time,
because a watch permanently on 9:45 isn't much use.

I was shown around university by this female student who I fell
in love with when I saw her.  This was probably my biggest
incentive to go to Lancaster!  I don't have a clue what she said
CA              THE LAST PAGE OF MY LITTLE STORY

or where we went, but I think I floated most of it.

It was a shame the rest of the visit was such a waste of time.
I don't want to sound obnoxious, but they didn't test my
intelligence once.  The 'interview' was four of us and a
lecturer having a chat.  At the end, we had to go down and watch
a video, so I legged it out the side door and went back to Robs.
Don't get me wrong, I like Lancaster, but I do think a little
more in depth talk or interview would have been a little better
considering how far I came. The rest of my stay was mainly spent
at Morecambe, playing Quasar and this brilliant virtual racing
game in the arcades.

I won't bore you with details of my journey home, except to say
that the train was late due to floods up in Scotland and
ended up taking 3 hours instead of 2, leaving me stranded in
Birmingham for 90 minutes.  Sigh...


CA                YES, IT'S PUZZLE TIME AGAIN

OK, this months puzzle is a little harder than last months.  See
if you can figure it out.

Mr Lee owns a bus company.  He owns twelve buses, and has ten
routes to run.  It costs him 50p in petrol per mile he takes his
buses.  The ten routes average 6 miles each.  He gets 10 people
travel on each bus that he sends out.  He pays his drivers £20 a
day.  Given that he wants to break even, how much is it for a
packet of Polos and a Daily Telegraph at the local supermarket?

I made that up on the spot.  Solve that one Marc "I'm a million
times better than Colin at puzzles" Broster!  Anyone who sends
in the answer that I have written down here wins a holiday for
twelve to Florida.

I'd think of some proper puzzles, like my first one, but I don't
know any more.  Maybe you can help....


CA                       DISC CONTENTS

Then, that time comes...

That time when you think you've just about wrapped up another
editorial.  That time when you wish you'd written down who wrote
what.  That time for the disc contents.

CONTRIBUTION OF THE MONTH
-------------------------

This month, in slot 'D' we have a SCADs game (!) by Martin
Fitzpatrick.  It's called 'UFO' and is a bit of a shoot-em-up.
It took me a few goes to work out what I was supposed to do, but
I think this is right.  You're supposed to shoot the things that
are flying in the air, not the groundbases.  Although the ground
bases can harm you, they also harm the UFOs.

You are a little ship (I've double-checked that bit for spelling
mistakes!).  You and your groundbases must shoot the UFOs.  If
you get shot, you lose control of flight and firing temporarily.
CA                       DISC CONTENTS

Too many shots, and it's that nasty little Game Over.  Complete
the levels and you go up a rank or two.  When you complete all
the levels (which, if I can do it can't be too hard), you're
given an assessment of your progress.  It takes a little to get
into, but when you do, it's very playable.

Next up is 'ROBOTS' from Graham Goring.  This game very nearly
never saw the light of day due to a bug which Graham put down to
Gamesmaster.  He nearly had me type it out again.  However,
Super-Colin (me) came to the rescue and found the programming
error.  Anyway, it's a horribly addictive game with a difficulty
level that's absolutely perfect.  It's written on (surprise,
surprise) GamesMaster, and has stunningly beautiful graphics
done by Graham himself.

You're a round floating robot.  Move around using cursors or
joystick to find out which is you.  The other robots on the
level will home in on you, so be careful.  The idea is to
collect the thing (don't ask me what it is).  It is on the left
CA                       DISC CONTENTS

of the screen on level 1.  Anyway, it's the only thing not
moving on level 1 (except the walls).  Avoid the pyramid shaped
wall because that kills you.  Once you've collected the spinny
thing, go and collect the enemies.  Once you've got them, it's
onto the next level.  There are 8 levels in all, and you have 3
lives to complete it. Oh, and it's nothing like the one he did
on issue 48, although it has the same feel. By the way, I did
levels 2 to 5.  (The best ones!)

Next we have a Christmas Demo.  Typically, this missed FRED 52
by about 2 days, but has some really nice tunes on it.  So, Lee
Willis said he would like it on FRED 53.  And here it is.

Due to the surprising amount of people who are actually building
the EDDAC (See FRED 51), I've decided to put the EDDAC MOD
player on this issue.  This doesn't work if you don't have the
EDDAC, so don't even try.  Apparently, they sound pretty
incredible, so if you know anything about circuit boards, you
might want to build the EDDAC.  Um, FRED can't accept any
CA                       DISC CONTENTS

responsibility for SAMs blowing up as a result of building it
though, so be careful.  Thanks to Stefan Drissen for this.

Anonimity is by Anonimity Smith.  OK, I give up.  You can spell
your name that way if you like, OK?  Sigh.  Anyway, Anonimity
this time has decided he's a little lazy.  This time, we only
have 2 stories.  However, one of them is the CONCLUSION to SPAM
TREK - TNG.  Also is the second part of Cereal.

E-Tunes interestingly is a collection of music by Peter Moore,
Bob Brunsden and Richard Faulkner.  There may be more by
Pipersoft, because it looks as if I'll have some disc space
left.  If not, Pipersoft will get 1st billing next month.

MODs will be a selection of MODs when I get round to choosing
them.  Thanks to everyone who has sent me MODs. These seem to be
the things that people are sending in most now, so it's not easy
to put one on from everybody.  And while I'm thanking people,
thanks to Scott Inwood for the billions of screens he has sent
CA                       DISC CONTENTS

me.  I'm not sure if Brian wrote replies to people when he
received a disc, but I don't.  Don't worry, I've got all your
discs.  I'll probably keep them for a while because there are
lots of screens I can use.

Next up in slot 'K' we have an E-tune plyer/compiler.
Unfortunately, it requires MasterDos and a mouse.  It's written
by Luke Falla and will come as a very useful utility for anyone
who likes E-tunes.  Here's Luke to tell you what to do.

INSTRUCTIONS: When the program has loaded it asks for a
directory name.  If return is pressed then any file starting
with "e" and is 3 characters long is loaded (ie any e-tune disk
off any FRED).

CONTROLS:  1:Disk icon=Loads new tunes from a new disk.
           2:+ or - icons=Add/Subtract 10 sec from the playtime
           (displayed under the clock)
           3:Pause icon pauses music until any mouse button is
CA                    CONTENTS DE LA DISC

           pressed.
           4:Arrow icon=Switch to next tune.
           5: R or S icon=select to play the tunes in sequence
           or randomly.
           6 :Fast forward icon=plays the tune at high speed
           until the mouse button is released.

You can also select to play any tune from the displayed
directory by just clicking on it.

Bits and Bobs has the best item I've seen in a Bits n Bobs bit
for a long time.  I was sorely tempted to stick it on the main
menu, but it doesn't do much.  It's called WhirlyTron and is by
Graham Goring.  It's something that he saw on the TV and
promptly did it on his SAM.  What you do is wait for the beep,
then press a key and stare at the changing pattern on the
screen until it disappears.  Then look at something else and the
whole room and anything you look at will be wobbling and doing
all manner of wierd things.  It's really smart.
CA                      DISCY WISCY WOOS

I don't think it'll do any lasting damage.  If you suffer from
epilepsy, I'd be careful.  There wasn't a warning on the TV, but
the screen flashes quite a bit.

Also in Bits and Bobs, there are 2 games by Graham Goring.  I
KNOW HE'S DONE NEARLY EVERYTHING.  It's not my fault.  If you
lot contributed more, we could get rid of him.  Anyway, these
were going to replace Robots, had I not jumped in to the rescue.
Instructions are supplied.

Finally, we have the screens.  These wonderful pieces of art
have been sent in by Andrew Hodgekinson and Nicholas Bay.
Cheers.

Very quickly, the MOD was from Chris Dodd.  It's ZOOL 2.

And that's yer lot.


CA                      THANKS EVERYONE

Editor: COLIN 'I'm cracking under the pressure now' ANDERTON

Thanks to:
    Bob Brunsden        Andrew Hodgekinson
    Andrew Collier      Lee Willis
    Richard Faulkner    Stefan Drissen
    Peter Moore         Anonimity Smith
    Marc Broster        Martin Fitzpatrick
    Darren Wileman      Luke Falla
    Graham Goring       Nicholas Bay
    Alan Groves         Chris Dodd

                       [redacted]

Letters & Reviews

                    Letter From Marc Broster

Dear Colin,

Cracked up under the strain yet?  I was impressed by your first
editorial, some of it was really good.  I can't believe you
found that bike 'problem' difficult.  Interestingly (yeah...)
enough we share a birthdate.

Thanks to Dean Nicholas for mentioning my Dead Wild Cat demo,
I'm glad you liked it.  On a similar theme, I've got a copy of
Pipe Mania if anybody wants it.  My telephone number is 0522
702801.

I think what Colin (Macdonald) mentioned about making everybody
wear stupid name badges at the SAM computer shows is a great
idea (seriously).  What would also be a good idea would be to
finish the show an hour or so earlier, so we could all descend
on that pub opposite the hall, and get absolutely smashed before
our return train journeys.  With any luck, several people might
fall asleep and end up stuck in Newcastle or Cleethorpes etc..
                    Letter From Marc Broster

with no money.  At any rate it would liven up the FRED letters
page for a few months. [What!  You missed the last two visits to
the pub? - CM]

Another idea would be to try and set up a local area network
using the SAM networking ports and the large (well at least
five) numbers of SAMs at a show.  Then we could pretend we had a
SAM modem going, and type abuse at each other from different
ends of the room.

I found Andrew Collier's refrences to people's names appearing
in early Spectrum magazines quite interesting.  I've been a
regular contributor to several magazines myself, I got a mention
in the tip pages of Your Sinclair once, I wrote a letter about
SAM to New Computer Express in February 91, I got my entry to
one of the 'Hot Topics' in Digitiser, the Teletext computer
section, shown (I didn't use my real name for fear of abuse, but
I got a year's subscription to some Internet magazine out of
it), and most importantly, I've got my name in the current issue
                    Letter From Marc Broster

of VIZ!  Yes!  I won a book or something from them.

I got an offer from Imperial today.

Graham Goring's text on FRED 51 was quite good in parts, could
you send me the original file when you return my disc?  Don't be
afraid to pack out FRED with loads of stuff taken from the net
if you have any.  It makes up for not being online until I get
to Uni.

The new text reader's okay I suppose, but couldn't someone do
one where you could listen to some E-tunes (or MODS?) while
you're reading text?


Bye.

Marc Broster

                     Reply to Marc Broster

Well, what a shock!  A fellow SAM owner with the same birthday
as me.  Are there any more people out there with a birthday on
the 30th June?  Maybe we could all get together, and have one
big party!

I'm glad you like my editorials.  I sit here for hours swinging
around on my swivel-chair thinking of things to write, so it's
nice if people actually enjoy what I put in.

Apparently, there have been visits to the pub at the last two
SAM and Speccy shows.  It's understandable that you wouldn't
notice people going to the pub with all the SAM things going on
around you, though.  Never mind, introduce yourself to me at the
next show and I'll let you buy me a drink.  Two if you're
polite.

Actually, I've got a better idea than a badge planned for the
next show.  Oh, yes.  It'll be incredibly sad, but I'm going to
anyway.  Unless I back out of course.
                     Reply to Marc Broster

Networking the SAMs would be a good idea.  I'd like to see a SAM
networked.  If anyone is interested, give Colin a ring, and
we'll see what we can fix up.

As you'll know, you've already got your disc back.  What I'll do
is give Graham your phone number/address and he'll send you a
copy no doubt (he's gullible like that).  Of course, you could
always send another superb contribution and I'll put a copy on
that disc...

The new text reader isn't really new.  It is just slightly
different.  It was just to show readers I wasn't completely lazy
and was looking for things to improve FRED.  There is now
definitely a new text reader being done, which is planned to be
a million times better, so I'll pass on your idea to the
programmer.  Although, I should hope you're not implying that my
writing is boring.


                   Letter From Darren Wileman

Dear Sir/Madam,
         Thankyou for FLM...  I would like to comment on how
good it is, it is one of the best, if not the best football
management games I have ever played.  I would like to see a
'Kick Off' clone on the SAM or more sporting games,  I feel
there are too many utility programs in proportion to the games.

I think the idea of ordering software by phone is excellent and
cuts down the waiting time by at least 2/3.  Are you going to
continue this after Christmas?

                        Yours sincerely,

                         DARREN WILEMAN

P.S. To all at FRED.  Have a great Christmas + New Year!



                    Reply to Darren Wileman

Hello Darren.  How nice it is to receive the occasional letter
from our dear readers.  Glad you liked FLM.  Unfortunately, I
can't see a 'Kick Off' clone on the horizon, but I know you're
not alone.  I agree the SAM could do with a footy game.  Oh
well, maybe one day.

I've spoken to Colin (well, he scribbled something on a piece of
paper) and he is willing to keep the order by phone going. If it
doesn't prove popular, then he'll have to reconsider but for
now, feel free to ring up and say something like this:

"Hello Colin.  My name is ---- ------- and I would like to order
------- ------- because of the way your editor has spoken of it.
I'll pop the cheque in the post now.  Oh, before I go, don't you
think it would be a good idea to give Colin Anderton some
commission for all the hard selling he's done which has made me
buy the game?  Many thanks.  Goodbye.  Oh, hang on, my
membership number/address is ----."

                    Letter From Alan Groves

Dear Colin,
      First of all, congratulations on the way you've taken over
FRED.  I'm confident that you'll keep it going for a long time
to come.  I'm not much of a letter writer and even less of a
programmer, so forgive me if I don't get in contact too often.
However, how could I not write after your 'subtle hints' last
issue?

The other reason that pressured me into writing was that I'm a
little confused about Lemmings.  I'm not much of a game player,
but I've heard from my son that Lemmings is a game that I may
enjoy, so I may buy it at least to support the SAM.  The
query I have is about control.  Can I use the keyboard on
Lemmings, as I do not own a mouse?  If so, I may splash out on
myself and buy Lemmings and the data disc.

Anyway, I hope these few paragraphs are enough to keep you happy
for now.  I'll try and write again sometime in the future.  Good
luck and Best Wishes.          Alan.
                      Reply to Alan Groves

Very pleased to hear from you Alan.  I'm glad I'm at last
getting some response from readers of the magazine.  Maybe next
month, I'll be flooded with letters and be forced to choose
some to leave out.  Now that would be a novelty.  Oh, I'd have
re-worded your first line about the way I've "taken over FRED".
You'll have Colin Macdonald thinking I'm plotting against him in
a bid to take over FRED.

Yes indeed, you CAN use the keyboard on Lemmings.  Sorry if I
haven't made this clear.  It does play better with mouse, and
the later levels could be a pain with keyboard, but it still
shows its glory played either way.

I look forward to your next letter, Alan.  Thanks again.





                   Letter From Graham Goring

Dear Colly-Wolly,
 Oh, how my heart strings were tugged by your pleas for letters
in FRED 52, I was almost moved to tears by the beautiful
simplicity and stark obliqueness of the lonely message that you
put across.

 So I have decided to put you out of your misery (you wretched
being), because I have a few questions to ask...

1) How much does Colin Mac actually pay you? Is it:
    (a) A lot of money.
    (b) Not that much at all.
    (c) Barely enough to feed a widowed cockroach for 5 minutes.
2) Who are the names behind the aliases? I mean, most people
   tend to tell you, but Anonymity Smith seems like quite a
   tight lipped bloke (or bloke-ette... who knows?).
3) Would you like to buy our dog? She's pretty flea bitten I'm
   afraid, but not as bad as Percy (RIP), your old cat.
   I'll sell her for a fiver, no, £3.50.
                    Reply to Graham Goring

Welcome back to the letters section, Graham.

Right, now to answer those questions which I'm sure the whole
world are dying to know the answers to:

1) The answer to this is a little tricky.  You see, Colin
   doesn't actually 'pay' me that much, if anything.  But you
   see, every so often, something turns up at my house.  A
   little gift, added onto my 50p wages.  It was only last week
   that I received a Porsche.  You can imagine how embarrassing
   it can get, can't you?  I mean, where on Earth I'm going to
   put that camel, I don't know.

2) Anonimity (or however he spells his name today) is quite a
   strange lad (oops, I've given away that he's male!).  For
   some reason, he wants no-one (except me, so I can pay him) to
   know who he really is.  Don't ask me why, but as long as he
   continues to contribute, I'm not saying anything.

                    Reply to Graham Goring

3) Thanks for the offer Graham, but what would you do in your
   free-time if I bought your dog?  I don't think it's fair
   calling her flea bitten either.  After all, she got them off
   you.  Actually, can I interest you in a camel...


Oh, by the way, I don't know if you noticed, but Marc Broster
wants the rest of your articles that were on FRED 51.

                             ...         .    .
       Yours sincerely,     .   .       ..
                           .   .   ... . .    .   ..
                           .     ..   .  .   ..  .  .
                           .    . .   .  .  . .  .  .
                            ....   ...    ..   ..   .

                              ↑
                      Isn't that nice?

Rachel: An Epic Tale of an Accident, A Man And His Cows

+--------------------------------------------------------------+
|                                                              |
|                     Hipposoft Presents:                      |
|                                                              |
| An Epic Tale of                               For Fredatives |
| an Accident, A            "Rachel"            /Fred Magasine |
| Man And His Cows                              Hipposoft 1992 |
|                                                              |
|                  Or, "The Forgotten Enemy"                   |
|                                                              |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+

This  story  was written for a school magazine, P.I.G. The first
part  was by Chris Belham, who has given his kind permission for
it  to be reproduced in these "hallowed" pages. It was billed as
a  "what  happens  next"  article. I wrote the next part myself;
then  the  next,  and  the  next...  The full story takes up two
discs,  one  of  which  you  are  probably  using  now. So, make
yourself  comfortable,  press F6, and enjoy Part I. The original
was called the "Forgotten Enemy" - I preferred Rachel.
              "It Gets Better After The First Bit"

The  courtyard  was  cold and dismal in the early morning as the
sun rose lethargically over the distant horizon. The fells below
the  castle  were  obscured  by  thick,  swirling mists that lay
heavily  upon  the  cold  earth.  The  old  wooden  doors of the
abandoned fort creaked heavily on their ancient, rusted hinges.

In  the  arch  of  a  doorway  lay the sleeping figure of a man,
hunched  upon  the  cold,  hard, stone floor. Even though he was
sitting  huddled  up  against  the cold, you could tell he was a
tall,  powerfully  built  man,  yet  he possessed an air of high
intelligence.  He  slept,  oblivious to the early morning chill,
but  he was not at rest. Every muscle in his body was tense, the
sinews  in  his  neck  stood  out  against his pallid flesh. His
eyeballs  rolled  and  flicked behind tightly clenched lids, his
lips  moved with silent words. A cold sweat of fear broke out on
his  forehead  and his expression became one of terror. His eyes
flew open and a shout that filled the courtyard rang out against
the stone, "Rachel!"
An  hour  had  passed, and the man was nowhere to be seen. There
was  no  indication that he had been there, save for a scattered

pile  of straw in a doorway. A deep throbbing filled the air and
a dark shape, shrouded in vapour, glided smoothly across the sky
and  came to rest above the castle. There it waited, motionless,
its dark form cold and stark against the winter sky.

A  sound  of  immense  power  like a mighty rock crashing to the
floor,  a bright flash, and the aged wood of the solid oak doors
splintered  into flaming fragments upon the ancient stone floor.
The light continued to blaze, caressing every inch of the walls,
highlighting   the  grooves  and  crevices  upon  their  scarred
surfaces.  In  the crumbling gateway stood a figure, silhouetted
ominously against the intense brightness.

  "Sorry about the door," it said.

Twenty  five  miles  away  a  man sat upright, wild-eyed, in the
middle of a field. Two large, brown eyes stared lovingly at him.
  "AAAAAaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!" said the man.
  "Mooo," said the cow.
  "Oh, it's you."

  "Mooo."
The cow stood, staring benignly at the bemused figure.
  "You haven't any idea what I'm doing here?" he asked.
  "Err, Mooo."
  "Just materialised?"
  "Mooo."
  "Ah. Um, seen Rachel anywhere?"
Another  cow, this one sort of creamy white with grubby patches,
meandered peacefully up to them and viewed the action serenely.
  "Ah. Hello. Been practising on the old teleporting stuff,
then, eh?"
  "Mooo?"
  "Well you explain it then. There I was, dreaming of roast
bee..  well  anyway, up I sit, yelling 'Rachel' at the top of my
voice, and bingo, here I am, sitting in the middle of a field."
  "Mooo. Mooo, mooo."
  "Sitting in the middle of a what?"
The man stood up, and wished immediately that he hadn't.
  "Oh."


  A lone Spacerat sat listening in on the conversation. Or
rather, it was executing a multidimensional float.
  Spacerats are strange creatures. Instead of existing in the
first,  second  and third dimensions as, say, the Earthrat, they
exist  in the second, third and fourth dimensions. This has many
side  effects.  For  example, a spacerat eats freak wormholes in
the  Continuum  just  as  an  Earthrat  eats holes in Cornflakes
packets.  Or, take the size of the average spacerat - seven feet
long,  two  feet  wide,  and  three minutes, thirty-five seconds
tall.
  The Spacerat listening in on Rachel and the others was
floating at four hours ago and if anyone had bothered to look up
at   that   point,  would  have  appeared  to  them  to  be  two
dimensional.  Which  to  all  intents and purposes as far as any
Earth-bound creature is concerned, it is.
  What the Spacerat saw  was this: two cows, looking at a man
who  was  not  only in heated debate with them, but also had the
very  distinctive  look  of  someone  who  has  just  woken  up,
screamed, and been teleported about twenty-five miles to land in
a field full of cows.

  The Spacerat knew this since it had just risen to one hour
ago, and could see the events of that time.

  A Dark, Shadowy Figure drifted across the land, its movements
a mere implication of walking. It existed, yet did not exist; it
moved,  yet  did not move; it was dark, and yet it was light. It
also  had  a  guilty  conscience,  because it had just destroyed
three-thousand pounds worth of Defend-O-Matic Megadoors. And not
only  that, but it had destroyed the wrong ones. Of course, this
sort  of  thing didn't happen very often, and when it did, a few
well-placed  apologies would set everything straight - but THESE
Defend-O-Matic  Megadoors  had  sensed  its  approach an hour in
advance,  and  had teleported the owners of the castle somewhere
as  a form of defence. It was going to be a long time before the
Dark,  Shadowy Figure, that did exist and didn't, that moved and
did  not  move,  that  was  dark and yet was light (it prefered,
"that was all colours and yet none",) found out where they were.

  "And they said I was weird," thought the Spacerat.


  The man was walking back to his castle. Behind him, forty five
cows  clattered peacefully, occasionally breaking out into songs
about green green grass, butter, and parts of ships.
  "Mooo! MOOOOOO!" said Rachel, urgently.
  Ahead of them a Dark, Shadowy Figure implied its way along the
road.
  "?" said the man.
  "!" said Rachel.
  "Mooo! Mooo! Mooo!" said forty four cows, simultaneously.
  The Dark, Shadowy Figure was getting closer.
  "Er," said the man.
  "Hello," said the Dark, Shadowy Figure. "Do you want the good
news or the bad news?"
  "Banana," thought the Spacerat, irrelevantly.

  "So you've blown up my Defend-O-Matic megadoors."
  "Yes."
  "And you weren't meant to."
  "No."
  "Mooo, mooo?" interjected Rachel, questioningly.

  "No, what he sat in wasn't anything to do with me. That was
his doors."
  "But YOU blew them up! I demand to see your superiors! Your
boss  isn't  going to be very happy about this when I tell him!"
He was hopping up and down with rage.
  "You wouldn't," said the Dark, Shadowy Figure, in completely
the  wrong  tone  of  voice  that  he  should of used if he were
pleading.
  "Yes I would!" said the man, wondering why he was hopping.
  "No, you really wouldn't. Do you know who my boss is?"
  "No." He did a really ambitious hop, and began to lose his
balance.
  "Mooo," said Rachel.
  "That's the good news."
  The man fell over.

  The Spacerat decided it was time to leave. It was already
cruising   at   yesterday,   and   things  were  decidedly  less
interesting  at  that  time. All that seemed to happen then, was
some bloke in a castle that seemed to have a hang up about roast

beef.  He'd  called  "Universal Exterminators" to get rid of his
staff  (who'd  just  served up Rachel's second-removed cousin by
accident)  but  they'd  left  before  the  exterminator arrived,
saying  something about "axes not being in the job description."
The  man  had  fallen asleep, been teleported to safety, and the
exterminator had arrived, destroyed the Defend-O-Matic Megadoors
(for  dramatic  effect)  and  thought  he'd got the wrong place,
since  there  was  (had  been)  only one occupant, rather than a
castle-full.
  The future might be more interesting though. The man was about
to meet the Boss of Universal Exterminators.
  Now THAT would be worth sticking around for.
                    -+* To Be Continued! *+-






                      Part II follows...
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
|                                                              |
|                     Hipposoft Presents:                      |
|                                                              |
| An Epic Tale of                               For Fredatives |
| an Accident, A            "Rachel"            /Fred Magasine |
| Man And His Cows                              Hipposoft 1992 |
|                                                              |
|                  Or, "The Forgotten Enemy"                   |
|                                                              |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+

LAST  TIME...  There  has  been  a  big  mistake  at  the  HQ of
"Universal  Exterminators"  - or so it seems. Their top man, the
Dark,  Shadowy  Figure, was sent forth to "the man"'s castle, to
get  rid of his servants. But they'd already left! Not to be put
off, he went to search for the owner of the castle and found him
with  his closest friends - a group of cows. A Spacerat observes
the  action.  The  man  requests  to  see  The Boss of Universal
Exterminators.. But does he REALLY want to do this...?
There is a little-known phenomenon known as the Worst IMaginable

Possibility  field,  (WIMP),  which  very  few  beings have ever
discovered.  Those which have mistake it for Sod's Law. The WIMP
field  was  at  this  moment  acting  perfectly  upon  a man and
forty-five  cows,  who were about to meet the Boss of "Universal
Exterminators."

Bosses  are, universally, the same type of creature. They aren't
just  a  particularly  nasty example of how a bad upbringing can
bring out the worst in a human, (or lemming etc., depends on the
society  you're  looking  at)  but  in  fact  they are a classic
example of the WIMP field.

Every  being  in  the  universe has an attractive force for this
field.  In most Humans, its effects act upon the individual, and
the  attractive force isn't very strong anyway. For example, the
hand accidentally slips and falls, squashing your pet gerbil, as
opposed  to  the  primary  manipulative  appendage  slipping and
falling  onto  a  large  red  button,  usually  connected  to  a
planetary  attack  system,  which  has  been  known to happen in
severe cases.

Some   beings,   not  just  humans,  have  an  extremely  strong
attraction  for  the  WIMP  field.  They are always, invariably,
Bosses.  Their  attraction  for  the  field is so strong that it
causes  distortion.  This  has the result that all beings in the
vicinity  see  the  Boss  as  their own Worst IMaginable Person.
Hence  if an invader from a far off planet came down and saw the
Boss  of  "Universal  Exterminators" at this point, it would not
have seen anything remotely like the sight that the man and cows
were about to see.

There  is  only one species which can control the WIMP field and
(for  example  in  this  case)  see a Boss as if through someone
else's  eyes, and that is the Spacerat, which accounts for their
extremely smug personalities.

  "And now I present to you," said the dark, shadowy figure,
"the Boss, head, chairman, etc. of ~Universal Exterminators!~"

  There was a pause.
  There was a bang.

  A flash...
  ...and before them stood the Boss.
  Twenty six cows vanished simultaneously, with a loud pop.

The  sudden  and unexpected disappearance of twenty six cows may
have  appeared  strange  to  the man, the Boss, the dark shadowy
figure  and  the remaining nineteen cows (including Rachel,) but
it is in fact perfectly normal.

Under   extremes  of  terror,  certain  animals  of  the  bovine
persuasion   are   known  to  teleport  effortlessly  over  long
distances  in  order  to get away from whatever it was they were
frightened  of in the first place. Various sharp-eyed scientists
that have noticed this in action have oddly enough always called
it  the same thing: the Extremely Acute Terror Syndrome, or EATS
for short. For some reason, their reports about EATS have always
been  burnt and the writers discredited. There are many theories
as  to  why this occurs, the most popular of which being the one
that states that the intelligent forms of life on any planet are
far  too  egotistic  to  admit  that a cow can teleport and they

can't.

  When Rachel saw a large man with a blue-and-white apron, a
large  meat  cleaver and a very nasty gleam to his eye appear in
front of her with a flash and a bang, she was in fact not in the
least   bit  frightened.  This  is  because  she  had  (by  pure
coincidence)  been speaking to a particularly streetwise lemming
the  other day, and now knew all about WIMP fields and therefore
expected  to see something along that line. A few of her closest
friends  that  she  had happened to tell about this, weren't too
worried  either,  even  though  two  had teleported in sympathy;
however,  the  rest of the group were simply slow, and all began
to  suffer  from  EATS  just as soon as they worked out what had
happened.


  "Wwwhhoooeeeehhooo..." began the man.
  Pop.
  "I am The Boss," explained the butcher, helpfully.
  Pop, pop.

  "Buuuuuut, er, you're, a, er," stuttered the man.
  Pop. Pop, poppoppop. POP.
  "Your cows are disappearing," said the dark, shadowy figure,
observantly.  "You ought to do something about that. There'll be
none left soon."
  Pop.
  "Mooo," said Rachel, to the butcher.
  "What do you mean, you're not impressed?"
  "Mooo, BANG, FLASH, Mooo. Mooo."
  "Well it was a bit tacky, I suppose."
  "Mooo."
  "There is one thing you ought to know."
  "Mooo?" said Rachel.
  "What's that?" said the man, who had just about got his wits
together  again.  If  Rachel wasn't worried, it couldn't be THAT
bad. The popping had stopped as well, which was a good sign.
  "I really AM a butcher. Ha ha, just my..."
  PoppoppoppoppoppopPOPpopPOP!
  "..little joke.." He coughed nervously. "Um, sorry about the
cows, you've only got four left."

  "Ho ho ho," said everyone, simultaneously.

Something else is true about bosses, apart from their attraction
for  WIMP  fields.  They have no sense of humour whatsoever, but
nevertheless,   everyone  always  laughs  at  their  jokes.  The
theories about this revolve around loss of jobs, and are usually
correct.

  "Now, let me explain about that complaint."

  The world exploded.




                    -+* To Be Continued! *+-