Fred 80
Disk Magazine
Submitted by Dan Dooré on Wednesday, May 23, 2018 - 12:02.
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Release Year
1997
Copyrights
Copyrights Granted
Copyright Provenance
Description
Issue 80
| Item | Author | Description |
|---|---|---|
| Menu | Les Quinn Sean Bernard | |
| Magazine | News, Contents | |
| Letters | Search: “Epicenter” Solution, Reviews, Movies | |
| Darren.. | Darren Wileman | The Editor Speaks |
| Lovetrip | Robert Pain | M/C Demo |
| Zx81 Emulator | Martijn Groen | Zx81 Emulator & Game |
| Imposters | Stephen McGreal | M/C Demo |
| Anonimity | Graham Goring | Spam Trek Et Al |
| E-Tunes | Jack Bailey | E-Tracker Music |
| Directory | Darren Martin | Address/Telephone Book |
| Hard Drive Program | Mathew Lovibond | HDOS Utility |
| Modules | Adrian Francis | Amiga Modules - DNA Dream |
| RGB Patch | Martijn Groen | Fix For RGB Demo on Fred 74 |
Magazine
CA Stop Interferencing With My Life
Hey ho, another month. The sun is shining, the flowers are
growing, a dog barks in the distance and my SAM continues to
degenerate in its ability to work properly. I now have to have
the TV in pale ugly yellow because of the crappy old TV that mum
still owns. I get rid of my TV with it's evil interference
lines scattering my screen and end up with attack of the yellow
telly disease.
Do I take it by the lack of response/sympathy that the
interference hasn't to anyone else? I was concerned it was
something to do with channel 5, but as there hasn't been a
public outcry, then maybe it's just poor me. Sob.
Oh dear, now it's flashing colour every few seconds. Help.
This is a few minutes later now, but the picture is suddenly
perfect. What does this mean? Dodgy power supply? Now I
understand what it must be like to be a female faced with
something complicated like a calculator. Totally mind boggling.
CA What Do You Do With The Frog?
Allan has shot of to America, which makes this the first issue
of FRED done totally by me for a good few months. In
particular, I'm looking forward to staring blankly at the TV
screen trying to think of something for my e-tunes scrolly.
Sigh. I hope Allan gets caught shop-lifting and is deported
back to England soon.
Speaking of shop-lifting, I'd just like to wish Mark Sturdy a
very Happy Birthday. Hope you like the present. Sorry it's
only a G reg, but FRED wages don't stretch too far nowadays
(especially when you haven't been paid for two months).
Now a small problem. I was wondering if anyone can help me.
Being a lay-about, I have quite a lot of time on my hands, so
the other day I decided to complete Back To School again. You
must remember Back To School - it's a Speccy classic. I'll
have to see if I can get it on FRED in the near future,
actually. Anyway, I can't remember what to do with the frog.
Can anyone help?
CA Mud For It (ho ho ho, sigh)
Did anyone see me on telly a few weeks ago? Did you, hey? Huh?
I'm a good looking TV star hero,
No-one else comes near-oh,
But I can't find a line ending in zero,
Erm, I like drinking beer-oh.
I was on TV because, as you may recall, I went to Glastonbury.
Hurrah! You can see me THREE times during Sting's set (no
calling me sad, please). I was amazing. No, acutally I look
like a right bloody lemon. The camera man decided to focus on
me when I was singing, and for some reason I was doing really
wide-mouthed singing. And I look like a tit.
Never mind. It was great anyway. Three days of walking about
in ankle deep mud watching the best bands in the world and
drinking milk to stay alive. We went a day early, and on that
day it was really windy and my mate's tent blew down in the
night. The sod woke me up at 5 in the morning with his screams
CA Pass Me The Shotgun?
for help. It took me a good two minutes to get back to sleep.
THEN he woke me again a couple of hours later when it started to
fly away.
Our tent managed to stay put despite being the smallest two man
tent I have ever seen in my life. It was brown too. And it let
in water when it was windy. And it really stank by the end of
the week. Imagine putting a soggy brown sheet over your
bath-tub, next to the toilet which doesn't flush, with the floor
covered in mud, water, bits of food and sticky Jolly Ranchers,
sleeping next to someone who has awful wind because he's trying
not to go to the toilet and you can't wash for four days.
That's what it was like. A bit like being in the car with Colin
Macdonald, come to think of it.
Never mind that though, because when I went to bed I didn't
notice the smell (you can guess why not) and so it was only that
wretched moment in the morning. The rest of the day was spent
walking about. I saw 25 bands you know. Radiohead, Beck, Kula
CA Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap....
Shaker, Sting, Ocean Colour Scene, Terrorvision, The Bluetones,
Supergrass, Sheryl Crow (she is so fit), Dodgy, Cast, you name
it, they were all there, and most were on top form. The
Bluetones were the last band I saw and they were playing at
midnight as my birthday started. Fantastic stuff.
Oh, unfortunately, I missed the Prodigy. Shame, eh? Anyway,
here's a picture of what it was like:
stage speakers
\+-------------------+ / /\ /\
+++ +++ ! ! +++ +++ /\
+++ +++ ! o o \o/ ! +++ +++ /\ /\ /\
+++ +++ ! A- A- R ! +++ +++ /\ /\ /\
+++ +++ +-------------------+ +++ +++ /\ / \ / \ / \
\o/\o/ \o/\o/\o/ \o/\o/ / \ / \
\o/\o/ \o/\o/\o/\o/\o/ \o/\o/ /\
\o/\o/ \o/\o/ \o/\o/ \o/\o/ \o/ \o/ ↑
↑crowd ↑me tents
CA THE FRED FANATICS TEST!!!
Test to see how much YOU value your SAM and FRED magazine...
Remember to be absolutely honest in what you do, not what your
intentions are.
1: In the morning, there's some post. You get a bank statement,
a new issue of FRED and a letter from a friend. Write down
the order in which you open them.
2: There's a loading error when you boot FRED. Do you:
a) Send it back immediately
b) Send it back within a month
c) Try and get what you can of it and then send it back
d) Give up and throw it away
3: The latest issue of FRED is a bit empty. Your reaction is:
a) No panic, it'll soon pick up
b) Uh oh, I'm going to write something for it now
c) Cancel your subscription
d) Uh oh, I'll send him anything I can find
CA Testing, Testing, One Two Three
4: How many items of yours (including letter, e-tunes, etc.)
have been on FRED in the past 12 issues?
5: Rate the importance of the computers you own.
6: Once you've looked through an issue of FRED, do you:
a) Leave it alone and wait for the next issue
b) Play your favourite things again then leave it
c) Keep going back to it over the next month or so
d) Make a note of any useful/good things and use them
7: You want to use your SAM but there's a good programme on the
telly in five minutes and you should also ring your friend
up. Do you:
a) Ring your friend. It's good to talk
b) Watch TV. You can use your SAM any time
c) Use your SAM, record the TV and ring them later
d) Use your SAM - nothing else matters
CA What a Good Idea
8: What do you use your SAM for?
a) Mainly programming, but I enjoy using other software
b) Games playing/utilities and occasional programming
c) Utilities only
d) Games playing only
9: How does your SAM live?
a) It sits on my desk next to a TV all the time
b) It's packed away unless I need it
c) It's not normally in my main home (for you students!)
d) I get it out of the loft at Christmas
10: I intend to:
a) Keep using my SAM forever
b) Pack it all in soon
c) Keep using my SAM while there is a magazine going
d) I don't own a SAM, this belongs to someone else
CA Scoring...
1: Score using this table: ITEM 1st 2nd 3rd
(score with item Bank Statement -1 0 1
and when they Issue of FRED 2 0 -1
are read) Exciting Letter 0 1 0
2: (a) 1 (b) 0 (c) 2 (d) -2
3: (a) -1 (b) 5 (c) -3 (d) 2
4: Score 2 points per item
5: If the SAM comes: 1st, score 5 [I scored 23 - CA]
2nd, score 2
3rd, score -1
4th, score -3
Lower, score -8
6: (a) -3 (b) 0 (c) 2 (d) 1
7: (a) -1 (b) -3 (c) 2 (d) 3
8: (a) 3 (b) 1 (c) -1 (d) -3
9: (a) 3 (b) 0 (c) -2 (d) -4
10: (a) 4 (b) -2 (c) 2 (d) -4
See how you fared by turning over the page....
CA Did You Score?
SCORE RESULT
36+ Well done, you love your SAM. However, I think you
love it a little too much and you should consider
getting out more.
20-36 Yippee. You are indeed a good and dedicated SAM user.
You are the sort of person who contributes to FRED and
keeps the whole thing running. Well done.
8-20 You use your SAM on a regular basis, but don't pay it
all that much attention, or maybe you just use things
without giving feedback. Get your enthusiasm back for
writing things for FRED, even if it's just the odd
letter for the letters section. You're the people that
make the difference between a poor issue and a good
issue.
0-8 You're not very enthusiastic for the SAM any more. Why
not spend an afternoon going over past issues and maybe
write something. Then re-do the test.
below 0 You are lazy vermin with no care for the SAM. Sort it.
CA News
COLONY - Sounds a bit like "Colin A"
Well, Kaboom! may be 6 months late, but FRED have now released
their first title under Darren's eager management - a game
called Colony. Good old Darren, he's only here for ten
minutes and he's already got a game out. Anyway, I haven't seen
it yet, but the basic idea was mentioned last month. We should
have a full review next month for you, but Darren tells me it's
a game he's wanted to see on SAM for ages, and it's brilliant!
FRED'S GOING REGULARLY AGAIN
Apologies for the lateness of this issue and some previous ones.
Editorials have been finished on time (this editorial was
finished 4 weeks ago), but contributions have been holding us
back a little. However, Darren has come up with a number of
ideas and our main priority now is getting an issue out every
month on the same day. I don't know what date of each month
you'll get it, but expect something from Darren soon.
CA News
THE SHOW MUST GO OOOOON, OOH, YEAH
Shows galore for the Autumn season, with another one in Leeds in
September and one in Gloucester in October. The Leeds show is
again in Wetherby and this time is on the 20th September.
Darren unfortunately can't make it to the Leeds show, but FRED
are very likely to be represented. Colin Macdonald (he's back!)
and I are making arrangements to be there, so come along and see
for yourself the wonderful new release Colony. For information
and latest news on this, ring Darren or Colin on the usual
numbers.
Darren will, however, be fronting the FRED stand at the
following show in Gloucester. It's round-about the 26th of
October, but I'll confirm the exact date next month. Bob has
cleverly avoided choosing the first week of University term this
year, so there's no excuses for you students to not come, as
well as everyone else within a 200 mile radius. Hey, even I
should be there!
CA Disc Contents
LoveTrip (it's a real good place where we can get together.
Yeah. Lovetrip baby, whooo) is a demo from Robby Pain. Yeah,
Rob's back. Robby, Robby, Robert. How we've missed you. Once
again Rob's had a couple of nice ideas and transformed them into
an aesthetically pleasing and beautifully sounding demo.
There's new effects never seen before and everything. The
female stick person looks like Allan, I thought. Incidentally,
Rob says in his scrolly that he intended his last demo for a
certain issue, and it ended up on the next one because he was
too late. Well, actually Rob, it was probably more down to my
lightening speed production of FRED that it didn't get on. You
know how I'm always so quick (no laughing).
I read in the REMs of another thing he sent in that it may be
his last. Don't go Rob. Come back and let us worship your bits
and bytes once more. Show us your gloriousness again.
CA Disc Contents
Hey hey - someone who's programming a lot for FRED has produced
a most impressive little work of magic. It's Martijn Groen, the
man in the know, the man Stefan Drissen turns to when he can't
program a hard bit, the man who sent in a demo a bit back and I
don't know if it's been on yet because my FREDs are in
Nottingham. But never mind, because this is...
ZX81 emulator!!! A fully working emulator of the beloved ZX81,
not only for you to dabble with, but there's also some free
programs included. I'm not sure how many I'll include this
issue, but Graffiti had me playing for half an hour.
There's lots more (accurate) information and technical stuff in
the read file which you can access off the menu.
Martijn has also provided us with an RGB patch, so now you all
also have a HUGE MEGADEMO to look at (if you've got the issue
with RGB Demo on). Now you will believe your eyes.
CA Disc Contents
We also have a demo of a game! We've got it all this month,
haven't we? It's a demo of a Mungus Soft game, IMPosters. The
game is a clever, Lemmings-ish game, but instead of them walking
about blindly, you have full control over one at a time. Each
Imp has a different skill and you must use them as a team to get
to the exit. The full game is available from Mungus Software
and the address is probably in the game.
Hold onto your hats next, because Anonimity is back!!! After a
year in prison, he's been released and has written three more
hilarious stories for your perusal. Spamtrek 8, Doctor Moo 4
and Cereal 7 are the three fantastic new episodes, which as
you'll notice are in FRED text reader form this month because
Anonimity says so.
We also have a tip top handy dandy address book program by
Darren Martin. It's simple to use and coincidentally is
something which I wanted for my SAM and nearly wrote! Fantastic
timing, Darren! Cheers.
CA Disc Contents
New and fabagroovy this month is Darrens column (cleverly put in
slot D - D for Darren, you see). It's a long kinda thing with
chat from Darren, jokes, reviews and the really long
comprehensive price-list. It's longer than my editorial, too.
This'll be a regular monthly thing as it cuts down on paper
costs, and will be a fantastic excuse for FRED being late (hope
Darren doesn't read that).
We've got just billions of e-tunes to choose from, so, erm, it's
a surprise who does them. Needless to say, I've done the
scrolly and it's oh so much better than anything Allan could
ever dream of doing.
Adverts is an anagram of Vader's T. Although Darth Vader
probably can't drink tea through that helmet of his. Not that
he exists, obviously.
I'm off to bang my head against a hard object. Bye.
CA Thanks
Chris Evans: DARREN "New column all to himself" WILEMAN
Wiiiiiiiill: COLIN "TV Superstar Hero" ANDERTON
And this month's ugly bloke with a talent is:
COLIN MACDONALD with a talent for DRINKING!
And this month's fat lookalike is:
JAMES CURRY who looks like a fatter PAVAROTTI!
And our star guests are:
Martijn Groen Darren Martin
Fungus.., sorry, Mungus Software Dan Doore
Stephanie McGreal Mr. Lovibond
ROBBIE ROBBIE PAIN Scooby Doo
Graham Goring God
CA Colin's Top Ten
I'm bored. So here's some music stuff to annoy everyone.
MY FAVE TEN ALBUMS THAT I OWN (in no particular order) (well,
actually, the shorter titles are all on the right...)
* The Divine Comedy - Casanova * The Police - Greatest Hits
* Alanis M..- Jagged Little Pill * Blur - The Great Escape
* Ocean Colour Scene - Moseley.. * Kula Shaker - K
* Bluetones - Expecting To Fly * Suede - Coming Up
* Manics - Gold Against The Soul * Pearl Jam - Ten
Note that Oasis aren't there coz I don't own any of their albums
because all I have to do is walk about for ten minutes and I'm
bound to hear one. Also, the Ozrics fan is likely to be gutted.
Sorry. I haven't put a Sting solo album in for fear of being
beaten up and Ash don't make it coz he can't sing in tune.
Oh, and the Spice Girls are fun to look at, but not as much fun
to listen to.
CA Colin's SECOND Music Page
And now to oppose the last page, here's....
TEN BANDS/SINGERS I REALLY HATE (in no particular order because
I hate them all just as much as each other)
* The Prodigy * Puff Daddy (for ruining a great song)
* R Kelly * M People (she never finishes words)
* Chemical Brothers * Prince (because he's a tit)
* Mick Hucknell * Michael Jackson (ditto and he's crap)
* Olive * Tina Turner
There's a million other groups that should be added to that
list, but these are the ones who really make my blood boil. Add
to that list ALL rave groups if you will.
I hope none of these people subscribe to FRED, else Darren could
be a little out of his league in court.
CA Disclaimer
All those views which have been brought to your
attention are not necessarily the views of FRED
publishing or its owners. Please do not take us
to court, or even threaten us. It makes me cry.
CA The Last Word
/
"I heard that Dan Doore, who has a thing above the
'e' in his name, was originally called Dan Doore,
that's without a thing over the 'e' this time,
but changed his name because he didn't like his
2nd name sounding like an object you open and close
to get in and out of rooms. Also, he now feels
more at one with his SAM Coupe. Apparently."
Dan, please read the disclaimer on the previous page...!
Newsletter
DW It's Darren!
Hello and welcome to another issue of FRED. Once again, a little
late unfortunately, but we should be on time next month (ho ho!)
The reason we are late again is that we are very thin on the
ground with contributions - therefore, if you want FRED
regularly again, please get in your contributions now!!
Onto some very saddening news now. There is no easy way to break
it to you - FRED 100 could and is looking to be the last ever
FRED.
It should be 20 months from now, so you still have over a
year and a half to enjoy and get those contributions in. This
has been decided after a lot of thought and FRED is at the
moment costing more to run than it takes. People need to buy
more software to keep the magazine going. Plus our costs are
going up for discs.
There are just not enough re subscribers to keep FRED going - I
am putting quite a lot of my own money in at the moment and I
cannot do it for much longer, sadly. This could also mean a pay
cut for Colin - do it for him if not me as you all know he does
a first class job in producing FRED after FRED after FRED.
At worst, FRED may have to go bimonthly. This is one of the
reasons behind us selling PC spares. If you are looking for a
new drive for your SAM/PC, check out the price list later on in
this section.
If anyone has any other ideas or comments on keeping FRED alive,
please please let me know. A lot of you also have, it seems been
frightened off buying Colony / other products because of the
lateness of Kaboom! Everyone who ordered Kaboom will receive a
voucher worth 7.00 for software / hardware.
Unfortunately, these vouchers are only valid with a purchase of
£10.00 or over. It is possible that I am painting a darker
picture than it should be painted, but the situation is getting
pretty bleak at the moment.
I thought I would give you an idea of what is happening to
prepare you all for the worst - it could well be that FRED will
continue well into the late hundreds.
Onto lighter things - the Gloucester Show is coming up in a
couple of months with NSSS 3 next month and approaching fast.
However, I personally will not be able to get up to Leeds for
the show, but Colin has said that he will try to get up and take
orders.
We will however be at the Gloucester Show. Please try to get
down to this one and make it a big success. We need all the help
that we can get (and the cash!!)
You will now have noticed another cost cutting step to keep FRED
going - the newsletter is now on the disc - and has it's own
slot too!! In this, I will be trying to tell you what is
happening in the SAM world from my point of view and having the
odd review and telling you all a little bit more about my life
and little am using stories and suchlike. Also, the story of how
I came to be the proprietor of SAM's biggest and best known
software house.
Contacting us: IMPORTANT NOTICE
Because unlike Colin Macd, I have a full time 9.00 'till 5.30
job, I am only contactable from 7.00pm unitil 9.00pm Monday to
Thurdsday. Unfortunately, I will not be in Fridays or Weekends.
The E-mail and Web pages were costing too much to keep up and
hence both e-mail addresses have been cancelled and the web page
will only be accessible for another 6 months. All this cost
cutting may sound a little drastic, but it is the only way we
can keep FRED alive.
Also included is the price list for all of the products
currently stocked by FRED. If you don't see it here, we don't
sell it!!
SUBSCRIBER'S PRICE LIST
Impatience £4.00
The Later Levels £3.00
Dyzonium £9.00
Bulgulators £9.00
WaterWorks £9.00
WaterWorks II £9.00
Witching Hour £4.50
Lemmings £18.00
Oh No! More Lemmings £13.00
Football League Manager £12.00
Spectrum Classics £5.00
Best Of FRED £2.00
MOMENTUM £12.00
COLONY £15.00
Legend Of Eshan £12.99
Wop Gamma £8.99
T'n'T £8.99
Sophistry £8.99
Grubbing for Gold £9.00
ELITE £12.95
SAMPaint £22.00
SAM Vision £14.99
SAM C - £19.99
SpellMaster £9.00
BASIC Guide £5.00
Machine Code Guide £5.00
MasterDOS £15.99
MasterBASIC £15.99
GamesMaster £24.99
SAMPrint £14.99
OutWrite V2 £18.00
Style Writer £9.00
Stylish Images £3.00
The Secretary £12.99
Driver £24.99
MAGAZINES - all cost 2 per disc / 20 for any twelve of the same
magazine FRED (issues 1-80, 11 and 24 double discs) Enceladus
(issues 1-12) Outlet (issues 32-65) SCPDU (issues
0,1,2a,2b,3,4a,4b,5) Network Sigma (Issues 1 - 8)
PLEASE NOTE:
When placing your order, please ensure your name and address are
printed clearly and if possible, include a phone number in case
of a problem with your order. Prices shown are normal recommend
retail prices. Please make cheques / POs payable to FRED
PUBLISHING Please allow 21 days for delivery.
----------------------------------------------------------------
[redacted] between 7.00pm - 9.00pm
Monday - Thursday
HARDWARE
Please note there is a 4.00 packing and posting charge per box
sent. Please call to check prices / availability.
SAM / PC Disc Drive: £18.00
Mouse Mats £Call FREE DELIVERY
SAM Mice £12.00 FREE DELIVERY
PC Mice 2 Button - Serial £5.00
Mitsumi HQ Serial £10.00
Digital Edge PS/2 £17.00
Firstmouse £10.00
PC Keyboards, 105 Keys, Win 95 £10.00
SAM/PC Hard Drives
Quantum Fireball 1.2 Gb £125.00
Quantum Fireball 2.0 Gb £150.00
Quantum Fireball 2.5 Gb £180.00
Quantum Fireball 3.2 Gb £190.00
Quantum Fireball 3.8 Gb £225.00
FAX Modems
33.6bps Internal Voice £65.00
33.6bps Internal Voice BABT Approved £70.00
33.6bps External Voice BABT Approved £82.00
K56bps Internal Voice BABT Approved £85.00
K56bps External Voice BABT Approved £97.00
Blank Unformatted TDK SAM Discs £0.32p each
Blank Formatted TDK SAM Discs £0.34p each
Blank Unformatted PC Discs £0.32p each
Blank Formatted PC Discs £0.34p each
SIMM Memory
4MB £16.00
8MB £32.00
16MB £55.00
32MB £110.00
PC Speakers (also for use with Quazar Surround Soundcard)
Sound Blaster 20W £10.00
Media Force Blaster 20W £15.00
Media Force Blaster 50W £20.00
Media Force Blaster 80W £25.00
Media Force Blaster 120W £30.00
Media Force Blaster 160W £45.00
3D Sound Dimension 300W £65.00
Speaker Accessories Bass Booster Box £45.00
Batteries (Pack Of 10) £4.50
Please note that some models do not need batteries. If you do
not see an item here, please call and we may be able to supply
you. Please make cheques / Postal Orders payable to "FRED
Publishing". Please allow 21 days for delivery.
Now, A few things to cheer you all up. This is a collection of
jokes that I have been keeping for a while. It contains jokes
about Lightbulbs and the suchlike - most have been e-mailed to
me and some that I have just been keeping to myself for a while.
They make most people laugh with a broad mind - please note that
some of these jokes are of an adult content. Young children are
advised parental guidance before reading these items.
Jokes
Tyson may have bit off more than he can chew.
Evander Holyfield's new nickname: Evander "the Real Meal"
Holyfield (the other dark meat). After the fight Tyson was
quoted as saying: "He tastes like chicken."
After the fight, when asked if he would press charges Evander
Holyfield said, "What? What?" Tyson: "I thwear to Allah, during
a clinch he said 'bite me'".
Tyson called me after the fight. He couldn't stop talking about
it. I thought he'd chew my ear off."
Stay tuned for Holyfield/Tyson III on Pay Per Chew.
They already have a new Holyfield doll---with a detachable ear.
Being the fine Christian man that he is, Holyfield turned his
other ear.
Tyson is apologetic about the incident. In fact, after they
misplaced the piece of Holyfield's ear, Tyson offered to go bite
off a piece of someone elses ear so that it would be a perfect
match.
Q. How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five-one to hold the bulb in the socket and stand on a table
and the other four to rotate the table. (This is the grandparent
of all light bulb jokes, so it heads the list. You can use it
against any group you want to stereotype as dumb).
Q. How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A:170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga
Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb
request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten
volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old
light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old
light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at
Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints
R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the
Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St.
Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the
food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run
everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the
light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the
bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
Q. How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot
locate the new bulb.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of
the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier
to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 21-one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.
Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to
revolve around her.
A. 2. What's a light bulb?
Q. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 53. You got a problem with that, buddy?
A. 65 -Why 65 ? I don't know, it's in the contract.
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?!?
A. One. AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT!
A. 11. 1 to change the light bulb and 10 to form a support
group!
A. 7: 1 to change the light bulb. 3 to protest the offense
committed by the light bulb in regards to the socket. 2 to
secretly wish they were the socket. 1 to secretly wish she was
the light bulb. A. 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say
that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in
doing so.
Q. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. Five-one to do it and the other four to sit around and
discuss how it's so much more gratifying than a man.
A. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about
it.
Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the
old bulb.
Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are
they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
Q. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, but they're really one.
Q. How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty
about it.
Q. How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A. Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get
real bright!
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the
previous bulb.
A: Four; one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb
was a lot better.
Q: How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to
sit in the dark.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on
soon.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter; they think that all the available bulbs
won't light up.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A: None, they only screw the poor [Hurrah! A funny one! - CA]
Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
Q: How many dysfunctional family members does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a
three-way 100/20 0/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article
in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt
blub instead.
Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for
the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of
Public Works, who then hires his brother for the position
anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth
student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest
that its the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs.
Q: How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a light bulb
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
I hope that you all enjoyed at least some of those - admittedly,
some are a little on the unfunny side of laughter, but never the
less, I will be back with some more of the same, (but funnier
next month.
Remember to get your subscription in and support FRED as much as
you can - while you have the chance.
Take care and enjoy the rest of the sunshine!
Darren Wileman
FRED Bod
1997
Don't forget the NSSS and Gloucester Shows!
<<>>
CLASSIC SPECTRUM REVIEWS
NODES OF YESOD Odin 1985
CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor
AIM : Charlemagne "Charlie" Fotheringham-Grunes, apprentice
saviour of the universe, has been asked to find the source of
mysterious signals from the moon - a large black Monolith (just
like "2001"!). Like any hero should, he promptly volunteers for
the task of finding the Monolith...
GAME PLAY : To get to the Monolith, Charlie needs to find eight
keys or "alchiems", which look rather like crystals.
The game begins with you wandering around on the lunar surface
near some mole holes. Don't fall down a hole; instead wait for a
mole to pop up and stand on it to descend into the caves beneath
the moon.
The moon is, it seems, infested with various strange monsters
(such as teddy bears on springs??). Most are merely a nuisance,
blocking your way, but some are definitely harmful. You can
however destroy them by jumping on them and so squashing them.
As well as this, you will have to cope with muggers - astronauts
in red spacesuits whose aim is to rob you of your alchiems. The
task of finding the eight alchiems is complicated by the size of
the cavern system; not all of the access routes are clear, so
you will have to use your friendly mole to make extra tunnels.
The game includes features such as whirlwinds that teleport you
around the caverns, which might make exploring easier or
alternatively leave you somewhere you would rather not be. Huge,
deep shafts also exist, which can mean the certain loss of a
life if you fall down one - unless you are luc ky and find that
the one you just fell into has a very powerful up-draft.
Extra lives can also be found scattered around, which is just as
well. Your vital signs are continuously ticking away, your
current life force is steadily draining and your movements slow
with every beating you take.
When you get an extra life you will also obtain gravity sticks,
which render muggers harmless and also cause all monsters in the
immediate area to fall to the bottom of the cavern.
COMMENTS : A great little game, which can still keep you happy
for a few hours.
NOW : A nice platform game, with some very pretty graphics (for
a Spectrum!).
ATF Digital Integration 1988
CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor
AIM : War has broken out in a future island archipelago. Both
sides are evenly matched on the ground... but one side has a
single squadron of ultra-modern Lockheed ATF fighter-bombers.
Can you alter the balance of power with these few planes?
GAMEPLAY : Your first decision is over what ammunition you will
take on your mission. The ATF can be loaded with cannon shells,
visually- guided ASRAAM missiles (which are not much use!) and
more powerful Maverick missiles with a range of 100km which can
take out over-the- horizon targets, selected from a database.
Your refuelling and rearming is vital, and weaponry must be
balanced against fuel supplies so that the ATF can fly within
safe weight limits. The levels of arms and fuel are shown on bar
graphs. Once you've armed and fuelled you can begin your main
mission. After a takeoff using maximum thrust, the ATF's speed
must be maintained to avoid stalling and crashing. Flying low
over a vertically-scrolling landscape, the ATF comes under
constant attack from enemy forces. Enemy radar can be avoided
with terrain-following equipment, but this reduces your speed
and carries the risk of a crash.
DISPLAYS : A head-up display superimposed on the main screen
shows engine thrust, the ATF's speed, ground height and
altitude.
The missile system available, the current direction of
flight and a target's range and bearing are also shown. Beneath
the main screen, further indicators show fuel level and undercar
riage status (UC), and warn of incoming missiles (SAM).
An in-flight message window gives vital information on your
mission, and a short-range scanner to the side of the main
screen shows the type of terrain below and nearby enemy objects.
Approaching ground-to-air SAM missiles trigger a warning alarm
and with luck you can jam them in time using the ATF's onboard
jammer .
COMPUTER: The ATF also has an on-board flight computer, showing,
on a series of flick-screens, enemy positions on a world map and
the status of weapon systems and the ATF itself. The computer
also holds a database for locking onto targets which is updated
regularly as your intelligence service and on-board detectors
find new targets. An automatic landing light (AL) is activated
when the ATF enters the cachement area surrounding allied bases.
When a base has been chosen, an automatic landing sequence can
be activated.
A war situation report - giving a rundown of all recent gains
and losses of allied and enemy bases, ground and sea forces, and
communications and industrial complexes - is called up whenever
the ATF return to an allied base. Your intelligence services
will give you extra information at this point on the location of
enemy forces.
COMMENTS : "Excellent, impressive arcade elements in a
user-friendly simulation." RATING : 89%
NOW : Although it has aged a fair bit, ATF is still not bad,
although it would be stretching it a bit to call it a
simulation. A 16-bit version (ATF 2) was released on the ST and
Amiga around 1991 but wasn't half as good.
ATIC ATAC Ultimate 1984
CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor
AIM : You are stuck in a castle which contains five floors with
around 40 rooms per floor. The objective is simply to find the
three parts of the Great Key of ACG, which will open the main
door and let you escape.
GAMEPLAY : Run a round shooting things, pick up food to restore
health and search for the key pieces. There's also the secret
passages - which ones you can use depends upon which character
you select, whether knight, wizard or serf. For example, some
secret passages are concealed within the large barrel-vat things
on the walls , and others are behind the grandfather clocks, but
only certain characters can use those passages.
COMMENTS : "Fast moving [and] fun to play." NOW : Simple
enough, but an all-time classic arcade-maze game. There are
"unofficial" versions of Atic Atac on the Amiga PD scene.
SIR FRED Mikro-Gen 1986
CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor
AIM : Once upon a time there was a wise old King who ruled over
a happy land. Everyone lived happily ever after - except wicked
Baron Hugh D'Unwyt and the king's daughter, whom he's kidnapped.
As all the other knights are away a-questing, it falls to the
aged and corpulent Sir Fred to rescue her...
GAMEPLAY : In classic arcade-adventure style, Sir Fred has to
collect object and solve problems as he penetrates the defences
of Castle Feare, the Baron's stronghold.
The objects are found in different locations each time you play,
which complicates mapping somewhat, but must be used to complete
the various tasks which you'll need to do. They can be picked up
using the Select key and are displayed along the bottom of the
screen.
A blue box highlights the currently selected object; to use this
object, press the Use key. Some weapons can only be used a
limited number of times, so a little counter appears above the
window and decrements every time the object is used.
Once the counter gets to zero, Sir Fred loses the weapon and
will need to find a replacement! There are a number of weapons
to be found including a sword and a bow and arrow.
Sir Fred himself has only a limited amount of energy (and only
one life) so you'll need to use the weapons to defend him from
the various creatures inhabiting the castle.
COMMENTS : "A great platform adventure that's quite novel".
NOW : A (relatively) simple but still enjoyable
runny-jumpy-picky uppy game - sort of a souped up JET SET WILLY,
really.
VIRUS Firebird 1988
CONTROLS : Keyboard, Kempston, Cursor
AIM : The country has been invaded by waves of hostile alien
spaceships.
Instead of attacking military installations, however, they are
intent on polluting the landscape with a lethal red virus which
kills off all plant and animal life.
Determined to counter this threat, a pilot is strapping himself
into the cockpit of his state-of-the-art Hoverplane. This is
equipped with the latest technology - long-range scanner, laser
cannon and smart bombs, all of which will be needed to destroy
the a liens.
GAMEPLAY : The action is shown in 3D with wire-frame vector
graphics showing the Hoverplane and the enemy ships. The
contours of the landscape are shown by a pattern of undulating
squares representing the earth's surface.
The long-range scanner in the top left corner of the screen
shows the position of the enemy ships in relation to the
Hoverplane. Gauges above the main playing area show the amount
of fuel remaining and the plane's altitude. Extra fuel can be
obtained by landing at home base.
The Hoverplane is controlled by thrusting the engines and
rotating the craft. At high altitudes, the fuel supply is
automatically cut and the plane lowers rapidly towards the
ground. You move, helicopter-style, by dipping the plane's nose
and thrusting.
You can refuel by landing on one of your landing pads. During
play, a map of the land can be displayed showing polluted areas
in red.
All enemy ships in the attack wave must be destroyed before the
whole map turns red. Each wave contains many different aliens,
including the following:
1. SEEDERS - flying saucers which hover and sometimes land,
spraying the virus.
2. BOMBERS - high-flying alien ships which drop "packets" of
virus.
3. FIGHTERS - fast-moving ships which try to shoot you down.
4. PESTS - small kamikaze alien drones which try to collide
with you. Collision with any alien ship results in
the immediate destruction of the Hoverplane.
If an alien attack is defeated, you gain a bonus score
determined by how much of the landscape remains uncontaminated.
An extra Hoverplane and smart bomb are awarded every 5,000
points.
COMMENTS : "A playable conversion of a 16-bit game. Just
slightly too hard too keep you really hooked."
NOW : A frustrating game. The attribute clash is hard to bear
too.
Letters & Reviews
Letter/Postcard From Colin Macdonald
Dear Colin, :
:
Finally found a city :
that can outdrink the :
Scots - wow! : Lovely picture
: of Mardi Gras,
Earliest to bed: 4AM : New Orleans.
Latest: 10PM, after a :
24 hour session. :
:
It hurts. :
:
Colin :
:
CA Sigh
Incidentally, I got this postcard the day I'd decided Evesham
was the most boring place in the world. Siiigh....
Letter From Madame McGreal
Hello Colin.
Yeah. It's me. Very probably here with loads of drivel for you
to spend hours typing in again.
BUT WAIT...
It's on disk! Hurrah! I bought Pro-type yesterday, at the show.
Yeah, the groooooovy funky groovy, er, "good" show. Groovy in
many ways, really. Firstly, Mungus made lots of money (more
than other shows), by putting on a little rainbow Spam thing
(long story), to transfix small crowds of people, and then we
gave them flyers and sold them stuff. It was great. It was also
groovy that I met many lovely SAM owners who care enough about
their machines to turn up (shame on you if you didn't!), and
didn't get sat on by Bob (which I suppose means he hasn't heard
about Rob Quedgely, the totally ficticious bad guy from Colin's
Time Trousers...).
Letter From Stephanie McGreal
The bestest thing of all was the discovery of MIALL, the
artificial intelligence language thing. After teaching it a few
facts about certain SAM owners, we interrogated it on Bob
Brenchley. Amongst other things, it told us that "Bob is a fat
lard arse","Bob is a turnip",or a drunk, or a conman, or evil,
and one one occasion, it said (shock horror!) "Bob is good". We
concluded that it must have been a bug. It was fantastic
watching people prompt the next choice phrase right under Mr.
B's nose, and then running away as if they hadn't typed
anything. Like you said on one occasion, isn't it lucky he
doesn't read FRED? (actually, MIALL asked us if Bob was the fat
FRED editor...)
For the record, if Bob ever DOES try to sit on me, the above
views are probably not mine, and I didn't make MIALL say any of
those things. It was all James's fault. Ho ho ho.
And I've come home laden with possesions, some of them to help
me set out on my coding career. FRED 60, which I bought for
Letter From Stephen McGreal
Pro-type also contains Mnemodemo1. I have decided not to let the
likes of genius coder types put me off. I am going to make the
likes of Mr. Zambonini, Mr. Collier and Mr. Pain go "Oooh, how
did he write that 3D texture mapped graphics engine with 50
channels of music?". Well, maybe not, but beware: There's a new
coder on the horizon.
And I'm stuck to that horizon unless I can wrap my head around
how paging works...
MIALL told me last night that my mother was a Tory MP with a
nude green biscuit and a boy. It also complimented me on how I
spit in an erotic way. When are you going to review IMPostors? I
had to give another copy to Daz Wileman at the show (I hope he
doesn't mind me abbreviating his name. I think it sounds cool
anyway, if you ignore the washing powder reference), 'cos the
last one got lost somewhere.
I think I need to explain something to Allan Clarkson and the
Letter From Stephen McGreal
FRED readers. When I did the Greetz things for Colin's Time
Trousers, I wasn't saying hi to James Curry and Graham Goring
for making FRED what it is (as Allan ranted about in the
E-Tunes scroller), I was saying Hi to James and Graham , and
ALSO to Colin and Colin (and it was THOSE who I meant made FRED
what it is, being the editor and (at the time) boss-like
director type person). James and Graham, are, on the whole,
pretty lazy. Graham did a stunning job on FRED 68, but not much
since. James... well. This in itself is not a problem: there
are lots of people who rest a bit between contribs - the problem
lies in the fact that the gits were in my FFL! team (James at
least, I can't remember if Graham was), busy scoring no points.
I am the highest scoring bloke in my team (I reckon that I could
nitpick at least 25 points out of you, but I can't be bothered).
Can I use this program to send in E-Tunes scrollies? It keeps
wanting to justify my text left right and centre (geddit?), so
all the spaces are uneven. I want to write scrollies. It is my
destiny! I am going to fill FRED with scrolly drivel and there
Letter From Stephen McGreal
won't be a thing you can do about it! Don't fight it: I am the
future - I'm all there is! Bwahaahaahaahaa!!!
(Ahem)
I'm soooo glad people in FRED are appreciating my efforts.
People hardly ever write in to FRED to say something was good,
do they? Thanks to Peter Holmes for the very welcome ego boost.
And as a result: a follow-up! The Impostors Demo! Okay, so it's
a blatant advert and a re-hash of a game I've already
programmed, but FREDders might find it a bit of fun. Do I get
vouchers for plugging myself like this? I somehow doubt it.
Anyway, about my contributions: I want to tell FRED readers how
I got to be so amazingly good. Well, first I started
programming. Pretty soon, I had a game finished. Then I
programmed a better game, and then a better one. There really
is nothing more to it. I'm no more skilled or clever than any
other FRED reader, or any SAM owner, for that matter. If you
Letter From Stephen McGreal
don't contribute to FRED, go out and buy a copy of GM or SCADS
and teach yourself. There is nothing more satisfying than
having programmed something on your own, for other people to
enjoy and compliment you on. Except maybe Cadbury's Chocolate
Spread.
Right. I'll sod off now then. Have a lovely day. Hell, I'm
feeling generous: Have two! And a flyer.
Shine On,
Stephen McGreal
P.S. When do I get my £10 FRED voucher for Colin's Time
Trousers? Or could you just stick another ten quid's worth of
issues on the end of my new subscription? Cheers. By the way,
the new font is okay, but the "a"s look like "o"s.
aoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoao. See? Sort it.
Letter From Stephen McGreal
P.P.S. Does anybody know why MIALL sometimes gets all cross and
says ERROR:PROGRAM ERROR just as the conversation gets good?
How do you stop it?
P.P.P.S. Why does the Imploder keep saying Out Of Memory? And
who sells Sam Adventure System these days?
P.P.P.P.S. And finally, a joke:
Q:Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?
A:Because they're ugly and they smell!
Hohoho. That's funny. Us SAMmers don't need girls do we? No, we
have our SAMs for company! Don't we? Don't we? Where's everybody
gone? Oh dear...
CA Reply To Stephen McGreal
My, what a mighty long letter. Top marks.
However, don't pretend that you were trying to save me lots of
time. I know you. You deliberately saved it in Pro_Type form
instead of ASCII form, knowing FULL WELL that I was in Evesham
and my disk with Pro_Type on was in Nottingham, meaning I had to
convert it by hand. Oh yes, Mr. McGreal, I'm onto you. You
watch your back...
MIALL truly is a cool program. I spent many an afternoon
teaching it to swear when it was first sent in. It didn't
appreciate my hard work, and soon became quite an offensive
young man. How I remember our vicious arguments and how well he
learnt to use a new swear word the second I introduced it.
Bless him. He kept going on about red cars, too. Anyway, how
did yours put the words fat and FREDitor together?
You spit in an erotic way? That's worrying.
CA Reply To Stephen McGreal
Good luck with the coding. I once tried that. Ha ha, what fun.
Apologies for not reviewing IMPosters yet. I know it should
have been reviewed millions of years ago, but I was too busy
correcting your points for the FFL league that I had no time to
do reviews. I think you'll understand. Anyway, I'll have a
review done for the next issue.
Well done for clearing up the "who makes FRED great" issue. I
knew you didn't mean Graham and James - after all, how could
sitting around all day eating and playing on other computers
help FRED? Ha! I'm sure Allan will appreciate your explanation
when he gets back from swanning around in America - grrrr.
Ooh, look, shock - another complaint about FFL points. You're
quite the competitive person aren't you? Tell you what, at the
next show, bring your best marble along and then we'll see who's
the best.
CA Reply To Stephen McGreal
You're more than welcome to write e-tunes scrollies for FRED.
Just send them in on whatever format you like (you will anyway).
Except on paper, obviously. That'd be really stupid. I use
Outwrite, which is nearly perfect for it. The only glitch is
that if the word fits right up to the end of the line then you
have to press space twice to get the next gap. Bug.
You're right - you don't get a voucher for having a demo of your
game on FRED. You should pay us really, but don't worry, because
we're so generous here.
And Stephen's right (twice in one letter, blimey) - anyone can
learn SCADs, and GM isn't that much harder. Hey, if someone
with Stephen's IQ can do it, so can you (and your cat).
I'm sure Stephen will be showing us how his skills have improved
in the very near future with a new game, huh Stephen??? Huh???
Sorry to everyone who we owe vouchers to. They'll get sorted
CA Reply To Stephen McGreal
out in September, so expect them around then. We'll even maybe
give you a bargain at the next show for being so tolerant (an
extra 20p off if you're lucky).
The o's only look like a's because my o key doesn't work on my
computer, so I have to type a instead. Erm, yes.
I don't know about any of your other problems, but if anyone can
shine a light like Katrina did, then write in.
Letter From Darren Martin
Dear FRED,
Summer's here!! Time to catch up on the SAM world, time to start
programming things I have no intention of finishing, time to
finish things I started last summer. I miss my little buddy when
I'm at uni. Now then where did I finish?...ah yes, Epicenter,
hands up who wants a solution...no one, aw well you're gonna get
one anyway and think yourselves lucky.
Perhaps I made Epicentre (FRED 74) too difficult, but once your
over the river its a doddle, for anyone who's completely stuck
heres the entire solution, if I can remeber (its been a while).
East, E, N, take carcass, S, W, N, NE(bridge), SE, take stick,
NW, E(across bridge), NE, E, Up, drop carcass into lake (this
draws the pirhanas away from the bridge), S, lever boulder using
stick (this blocks off the main river but floods the smaller
river with the bridge), drop stick.
Letter From Darren Martin
N, Down, W, SW, W(across flooded bridge), SW, N, kick pile,
take rock, S, S, W, examine boat, take knife, E, S, S, W(beach),
take screwdriver, E, N, E, E(across dry river).
N, cut tree using knife, drop knife, take resin, S, SE, SE,
examine tree, throw rock at tree, take swipe card, SW, E, S,
examine valley, take oars, W, S, E(to opposite beach & dinghy).
Examine dinghy, repair dinghy using resin, row dinghy using oars
(you will now arrive at a separate island).
E, open door panel, insert card into panel, W, NE, unscrew
generator using screwdriver, insert screwdriver into generator,
SW, E, E (into I'chters HQ).
Examine cupboard, take key, Up(into bedroom), take book, examine
book, drop book, take CD ROM, unlock cabinet with key, take file
examine file, Down, E, Insert CD ROM into computer (you can also
put the FRED disk into this computer), S (into elevator).
Letter From Darren Martin
Press the appropiate button (follow the clues from the file and
CD ROM) - you will go down into a control room upon which a
security alarm is activated! S (into store room), examine boxes,
examine I'chter, take tool, N, examine cylinder, open panel,
insert tool into panel......The End (or is it?)
This won't give you a 100% score but you should finish it.
Does anybody know how to poke data into Steve Taylors mouse
driver 2 for the user sprite, as the instructions that come with
it are a little vague for a computer illiterate clot like me;
I've got a pointer designer just begging for this information.
Mr. A, many months ago you asked if somebody had a copy of SAM
Adventure System to sell so you could design an adventure based
upon SAM characters. Well, I want to keep my copy but I would be
quite willing to join forces to make such a game in the near
future. You the story and me the programming and a bit of vice
versa ? Contact me if your interested.
Letter From Darren Martin
Colin got free noodles vouchers? I got a complimentary copy of
SAM Adventure Club disk from Phil Glover after writing Epicentre
and an opportunity to play test an adventure game coming out
soon.
Wyrd Sisters as a cartoon? Doesn't quite work for me. The
Pratchett humour is too subtle.
British hand over of Hong Kong to the Chinese, was that sad or
what? Poor old Chris Patten.
Tyson, you idiot!!! (No one tell him I said that though, I like
my ears the shape they are).
Broke! Bankrupt! And what happens? Paul Weller & The Prodigy &
Radiohead release new albums!! Not a moments consideration for
us poor students (2 years down, 2 more to go, how the hell am I
going to survive?).
Letter From Darren Martin
Will the NASA Mars probes find anything? Me thinks not (I write
this 7 hours before Pathfinder lands).
My God I've been ranting haven't I? Anyone would think I was on
speed. Of which I have no experience whatsoever (!).
Yours exhausted,
Darren Martin
I'd print my email address but I wont be at uni for 3 months and
the email system is finally being updated and so all old
usernames are being erased.
CA Reply To Darren Martin
Hey, you know what it's like to have the same name as the FRED
boss now, don't you? It's wierd isn't it? Ha ha, that's
something Stefan will never be able to boast!
Hang on a minute - you said, "here's the entire solution, if I
can remember". Don't give me that. You surely didn't type the
solution in from memory. I don't believe you.
The SAM Adventure System idea sounds quite cool. I'd be
hopeless at the programming, but I'd be more than willing to
set up a story-line and help with the map and puzzles. Just
tell me if you want it on paper or whatever, and send me your
address.
You got a free copy of SAM Adventure Club disk, eh? Very well
done. The other day I got 6 free recipies and a small sachet of
Paprika through the post, although I'm not sure why.
Quite an intellectual letter, there Darren. Talking about
CA Reply To Darren Martin
issues of the day and everything. I watched Newsnight
yesterday, for some unknown reason. Amazing, or what?
If you want my advice on how to get all the CDs you want on such
a low budget, then buy the Radiohead one and if you really want
the Paul Weller one, sell any other Prodigy CDs you may have to
a 2nd hand record shop and use your money to buy it. Forget the
new Prodigy one because in a few months, you're bound to realise
that they're crap.
DM Movie Reviews By Darren Martin
-The Fifth Element (PG)
Directed by Luc Beeson
Starring Bruce Willis,Gary Oldman,Mila Jovovich (pronounced
Yanavich),Ian Holm
A very brave and aloof Luc Beeson opened this years bi-centenial
Cannes film festival with this sci-fi gem. The Cannes
establishment so used to monopolising on the more respectful non
Hollywood artsy films is still in shock from this gross
commercial blockbuster smash.
Set in the future mankinds existance is under threat from an
evil intergalactic intruder, only the prophesised "fifth
element" (working in unison with earth,wind,fire and water) can
stop it. Trouble is the future wasn't expecting the fifth
element to be in the shape of the beautiful Leeloo (Jovovich)
who crashes in on taxi drivers' life, Korben Dallas (Willis).
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Beesons vision of the future, some are saying, is the way
Hollywood is going to be thinking. Gone is the post-apocalyptic
doom and gloom of Bladerunner; enter prosperity, optimism,
colour, and vibrance; a bit like it is now but better and more
technological. Primarily set in New York (now drained to leave
Manhatten atop a great plateau) we have some SPECTACULAR special
effects particularly of a multi layered New York complete with
thousands of floating cars, taxis, and Chinese food junks(!).
Bruce Willis is back on form as confused Die Hard type hero,
Oldman seems to enjoy himself as nerdy spoilt badguy, and
Jovovich (words cannot define this womans beauty, I want to eat
her with a spoon) is great as the child like Leeloo. Top this
off with costumes deigned by Jean Paul Gaultier, models
everywhere, cameos by British comedian Lee Evans,American
comedian Chris Tucker camping it up brilliantly, and music cool
guy Tricky as Oldmans henchman.
I cannot praise this film highly enough, okay so there isn't
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much plot to talk of, but it makes up for this pure fun and
colour.
Rating: ***** (out of five)
[Colin says: I agree. Bruce is brilliant again in what is a
fantastic sci-fi thriller. He is so good in the "Die Hard" type
roles. The humour works well whether it's spoken or visual, and
there's some clever ideas of the future (the cigarettes have
longer filters than, erm, the white bit). Mila is just lovely,
and I could happily join Darren in his spoon eating meal. I was
a bit shocked (and, yes, pleased) to see a bit of nudity in a
PG, but who's complaining?]
DM
-Batman and Robin (PG)
Directed by Joel Schumacher
Starring Arnold Schwarzeneggar,George Clooney,Chris O'Donnell,
Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone
This summers big blockbuster opens with a bang and then fizzles
out with a pop. Weeks before it release the PR machine began to
roll, the movie gained impetus and the public began to drool in
anticipation: was Clooney up to the batsuit, does Arnie deserve
top billing, were Uma and Alicia gods gift ? Prior to big movie
release I try to bury my head in the sand so to not pre-judge
it. Now that I've seen it what do I think ? WASTE OF TIME.
The film never seems to get going and so becomes boring. A 10
year old dreamt up the story and the sets were designed by a
colour blind schizophreniac. Schhmachers direction is good but
there are too many pointless scenes. The baddies have become
more important than Batman, played superbly by handsome Clooney
but whos talent as a serious actor seems out of place amongst
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this farce. The Batmans have changed, no longer are they dark
stories about hurt,revenge, and crazed psychos, now they are
kids stories.
The interplay between Bruce Wayne/Batman and servant Alfred are
the highlights in a pantomime movie of primary colours and
inflated egos.
Rating: **
[Colin says: I went to see this by accident (there were no other
films on within an hour). Happily, there was a power cut after
about ten minutes of cheesy filming and awful jokes. They sent
us outside to get a free emergency ticket which could be used
for any film, and I got three by going up to different people!
I used them much more wisely.]
Movies to look out for this summer:
Men In Black, starring Tommy Lee Jones & Will Smith
A cross between Reservoir Dogs and Mars Attacks
The Lost World:Jurrasic Park, starring Jeff Goldblum,Pete
Postlethwaite.
Contact, starring Jodie Foster.
Francis Ford Coppola's Independence Day with brains.
Swingers, I haven't heard much but apparently this is VERY cool.
Volcano, Tommy Lee Jones again trying to stop the lava in LA.
Speed 2:Cruise Control, Sandra Bullock (Yummy),Robert Patric get
all sea worthy.
Hercules, Disney send up of the Greek myth, James Woods, Danny
DeVito,and Tate Donovan (currently engaged to Jennifer Anniston)
Also in this issue, Anonimity Smith's
- SPAM TREK - THE NEXT GENERATION - EPISODE 8
- DOCTOR MOO - AMAZING TIME TRAVELLING ESCAPADES
- CEREAL PART 7 - TWO'S COMPANY