Submitted by Dan Dooré on Friday, May 18, 2018 - 14:13.
|Magazine||The Secretary Released|
|Reviews||Parallax, Spell Master; Scpdsa Scandal!|
|Wworks||Martin Bell||Playable Level Of Waterworks|
|Bugs 2||Ben Wyatt||Sequel To Bugs (No!) on Fred 25|
|Sam Trek||Humorous Text|
|Mc Pt 19||Steve Taylor||MC 19 Adding Commands To Basic!|
|Phone Nos||Frank Kirby||Contains Phone Codes For Places In Uk|
|Fruity||Štĕpán Vávra Jan Klíma Vojtěch Klíma||Fruit Machine Game|
|T-Tll||Steve Taylor||Later Levels Solutions, 11-15|
|Morton Quality||Ian Slavin||Axe Returns After A Short Absence|
|Walking Man||Ben Wyatt||Smoothly Animated Walking Man|
|Fonts 4||Ian Slavin||Large Selection Of Fonts|
|Logomaker||Colin Anderton||Produces 3d Forced Perspective Logos|
BM Greetings!! Hello, and welcome to what was meant to be my first full issue of FRED. I say "meant to be", because Colin ended up compiling most of the mag as usual! He's meant to pass on all the disks that get sent to him, but it seems he loves looking through your disks too much to let me do that part of the job! Maybe next month Colin? Last month's issue was a little late due to the fact that FRED is now professionally duplicated. Sorry about that, but the idea behind that was that it'd allow more time for more constructive activities. Eventually things will be running smoothly again; if you could just bear with us until that time, we'd be jolly grateful indeed... Hopefully things'll be back to normal in a month or so anyway, but if your issue isn't with you on time you know why. BM FRED News We're pleased to announce that yet more FRED software titles are now available; in case you weren't already spoilt for choice you can now buy Etracker, the best music package for an 8-bit computer, for the humble price of £29.99. That's if you're not a FRED subscriber of course. If, like millions of others, you DO subscribe to FRED, you get it for the humbler than humble price of £26! You can also buy another couple of games - Bulgulators, the "maze game with a twist" (bit of advertising speak there), and Waterworks, a colourful arcade/puzzle game. Each is £9.99 to non-subscribers, but with the subbers' discount, a mere £9 each. Remember, to qualify for a discount, you must have taken out a subscription and not simply have bought one issue. We will accept subscription orders in the same envelope as software orders and let the discounts apply. (I'll fill this bit up so Colin can't moan about space-wasting) BM News In General Those of you who are waiting desperately for a spreadsheet package will be delighted by the news that Revelation are releasing one. It's expected that it'll be out sometime around Christmas, and at the price of £24.95, but we can't confirm that. The Secretary is now released, and the general response so far is that it's "well worth the wait". You can read the official FRED review next month, but I can tell you now that what I've seen of it is impressive enough (betcha can't wait!). Secretary normally costs £14.95, but FRED subscribers get it for £12.95. Get it from: Revelation Software, [redacted] (Enclose your sub no., or they'll think you're telling porkies!) BM Unbelieveable Degrees of Generosity Ahoy!! It's cunning marketing time now folks; some juicy Packs for you to get your chops round (as long as you order before 1993...). The first one is the Creation Pack. This consists of Etracker, and Gamesmaster - all you need to "create" your own software (see, we DO think about these things!). The best news about this pack is the price though - normal retail price of £55, you can buy it for £50. If, however, you have a FRED subscription, you can get the pack for £40 - an amazing saving of £15 on the individual items!! The second pack is the, ahem, Variety Pack, because, well, it's got a lot of variety to it really! This pack consists of Impatience, Parallax, and the FREDatives; normally £30, it costs £25 to non-subbers and £20 to people with FRED subs. Our final act of kindness this month is that we're offering free samples of ETracker music! Just send a blank disk and an SSAE and we'll do the rest! BM Subbing - The Pros and Cons Hopefully if you've been paying attention you will have spotted the fact that FRED subscribers always seem to get a few extra pounds off the cost of things. If you aren't a FRED subscriber, this is probably rather annoying. So, why not subscribe? Not only will it be more convenient for you - just sit back and wait for your monthly dose of FRED without writing endless cheques - but you also save stacks of cash! We at FRED have spent literally seconds working out that in this issue alone, you can save £23 just by being a subscriber!! Not bad eh? But there's even more! FRED subscribers get automatic discounts on Revelation software, as well as many other bits and pieces floating around. FRED subscriptions. Probably even better than a Blue Peter badge. (How's that for a slogan!). The only "con" about subscribing to FRED is that you occasionally have to listen to Colin, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... CM Copyright breach shock! It appears one of my fellow editors has been a naughty boy - on Enceladus 12, there was playable demo of Mr Pac, the game that is now called The Bulgulators. As most of you will be aware, one of the contributing reasons for SAMCo's downfall was blamed on playable demos - too much is given away and apparently people think "Well, I've got some of the levels already so why should I spend £l0 when I can't get past level 2!". For this reason, a non-playable demo was specially written for FRED26. The demo on Enceladus 12 was used entirely without permission of the author (Mat of ESI) or the copyright holder (FRED). The inclusion of this demo will affect sales of the finished game and already several hundred pounds has been put into releasing Bulgulators so it's too late to scrap it. CM Copyright breach shock! Because of Graham Burtenshaw's breach of copyright, I will lose money. Normally, I would very easily claim this back as lost profits from Graham, but this was not to be. Everyone that bought a copy of Enceladus 12 was sent a letter of apology from Graham and a letter from me explaining that it would be illegal to copy that demo. Also on the same issue was a playable demo of a possible forthcoming release "Snake Mania". The demo included was very early and because Graham included it, it is unlikely to be released anymore. So you see, for just one person, he's made a pretty good attempt at ruining the SAM software scene for this Christmas. CM A new way of communicating!!! Yes, now that I'm at college, I can send and receive EMail. For the uneducated, it's simply text files down the phone line job - so if you can use EMail or you are at College / University which is in JANET (Joint Academic NETwork), you can send messages direct and instantly to me!!!!! My EMail name is : CBS%UK.AC.DUNDEE-TECH::MCSCS1CGM Sounds long winded but if you type that in when it asks you for the name of the user you wish to "mail", and I'll get your message 30 seconds later!!!! There is a danger of the EMail system being disabled from 9-5, so if you can't get through, try after 5.15pm. If your system has any little stories, pictures etc then mail them to me and I'll send a load of the stuff going about here!! PS The EMail address for AXE is [redacted] BM "Hilarious" Coincidences Colin and I were kind of discussing the fact that our initials in the top corner are fairly similar - BM / CM (we like to have these deep conversations every now and again), and he happened to mention that people sometimes think we have the same surname (ie Colin McConnell or Brian Macdonald). We thought, then, that we'd use this spare page to clear that little misunderstanding; I am Brian McConnell (sounds a bit melodramatic that, really), and he's Colin Macdonald. So now you know. Just to confuse things a bit more, Colin has a little brother, whose name IS Brian Macdonald. Completely crazy and hilarious or what! (I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY PAYING HIM FOR THIS!!! - CM) BM Spell Master We've just discovered that in the special offers section, we forgot to mention that you can also buy Spell Master for the reduced price of £12.99 for non-subbers, or £11.99 to subscribers. Remember though, that we must receive the order by 31st December 1992 for the discount to apply. Okay? Good. Seeing as we're left with a rather ugly space, here are some quotes about Spell Master: "excellent value for money" "Whether you are a serious writer who can't spell, a good speller who can't type, or a crossword/anagram addict, this program will make your life easier" (Quotes taken from Spell Master review in Format, October 1992). BM Telly Programme News Has anybody seen the new computer program on ITV by any chance? It's called "Bad Influence" and, as far as I can tell, is aimed at the sort of people who ought not to be allowed near computers. Now, I've nothing against uncharismatic people with lisps, but why do they employ such people as TV presenters?! There are what claim to be "game reviews", and in the first programme this meant a selection of terrible actors giving such pearls of wisdom as "er, the uh, sound is, like, very realistic and it um, really sounds like you're in a er, cavern." Hopefully this programme will not last long, and maybe we can get a decent computer show (ie one focusing on a certain 8-bit British computer). (And Gamesmaster's crap as well. Though not as bad as "Micro Live" with Fred "Ooh I do love BBCs" Harris). BM Shock Horror - Computer Game Im IQ Link! Whilst reading innocently through a copy of a Reader's Digest (ahem, not something I do regularly. Um, I was just bored. Honest) there was an article about brains and things. They found a way of monitoring which part of the brain is being used, and when volunteers rigged up to the monitors played games of Tetris, it was found that at first their brains used up a large amount of energy. After a few weeks practice though, the amount of energy used decreased dramatically and the scores increased 700%. It was also found that the higher the IQ of the participants, the less energy their brains used, and the higher the scores obtained. So, if anybody can get over 300 lines on SAM Tetris (available on FRED 3, hint hint) then why not write to Mensa and demand to be let in. BM We Want Your Work! Yup, this is the inevitable page where we give heartfelt pleas for all your demos, screens, utilities and things. Remember: we now PAY for things if they are used in the main menu! Aside from lovely folding stuff (by the way Colin, old chum; where's me wages!!), you will of course become incredibly famous and maybe even become the figure of worship of some obscure religious sect (it's not impossible you know). Don't let that put you off though. We also wouldn't say no to any tunes compiled on ETracker, in case you happen to have any "just lying around", and if you're one of the bright sparks who's already bought Gamesmaster or SCADs, then we also warmly welcome any games (either for the mag, or even to be published commercially!). Smaller demos are also much needed for the ever-popular "Bits n Bobs" section, so just because what you've written is only a few lines long, send it in anyway! Ta muchly... BM Stop Press!! Now that FRED is going to be professionally duplicated, each issue needs to be completed two weeks before being sent out. This means that any last minute news is going to have to wait until the next issue. Rather than have you kept in the dark for another whole month, we've decided to keep a few kilobytes free on each issue for a file which will display briefly any major happenings. This file will not always be present, but just to check type in: LOAD "README" from BASIC. If there IS a file, it'll promptly load in, if not, then you'll simply get a FILE NOT FOUND message. CM Disc Details WaterWorks is a playable demo of one of the next FRED releases. The object of each level is just to escape - for which you need to find the door and be holding the key. Simple isn't it!! OK, you get full instructions with the game but for this demo you'll have to make do with this page. Keys are QAOP and SPACE with SPACE letting you pick up and drop objects. The objects in this demo are : Pipe - water flows through this (shock!) Switch - pumping water into this has useful consequences! Alien - erm....tends to kill you. Now, water cannot come out of the end of pipes ('cos that'd make the game too easy) so you must attach a nozzle if you want water to come out into the open. There's one of these on the first screen and it kinda looks like a heart-shape in a pipe. CM Disc Details Everything else should follow on - and if you get stuck, experiment! It'll take a bit of getting used to because it's such an original idea but it'll soon grow on you. Press SPACE to start the game and SPACE again to skip the password section. Alternatively, to use joystick, press fire on the menu screen and fire again to jump past the password sequence. The final game starts of with levels slightly easier than this one but gets !@#$% difficult - using up to six fully interconnected screens per level with lots more plumbing utensils for you to play around with! You get over 20 levels with a new password for each level and with hundreds of water droplets that can flow (or fall) between any of the screens, water lot of fun you'll have! (sorry about the pun folks - Brian's idea!) CM Disc Details Next up is the EMON from these wonderful, wonderful guys at ESI (when they should have been working on ETracker and Bulgulators!). The full instructions (in EnglPol I'm afraid - their version of English!) are in the reviews section but they seem pretty straight forward. Basically, if you're into techy stuff at all, then this program is well worth a look. Ben Wyatt has updated his old game to come up with "Bugs 2" - would you be surprised to learn that the original was called "Bugs"? Nope, thought not. Anyway, it's a fairly straightforward sort of game : you've got to stop the columns reaching the top of the screen by jumping on them and pressing down. SAMTrek is a copy of a file that's been ported down from the PC. It does contain some swear words and references to "illegal" doings so don't blame me if you get shocked. In general, it's pretty harmless and very, very funny. Hope you enjoy it - there'll be lots more of the same coming soon... CM Disc Details This is finally it!!!! We've got it all wrong for the last three months - THIS issue contains the legendary adding commands to BASIC routines. Brought to you from the great mind of Stevey Taylor. And no, it wasn't a publicity stunt...... From Frank Kirby comes a phone number database - all you've got to do is input the name of a town (eg Dundee) and it'll give you the code. A word of warning - don't input "LLan" as you'll get more than one or two phone listings!!!!!! Another Fruit Machine!! From Polish mag KAPSA this is a brave attempt at an authentic puggy. Complete with music, animation et al. Keys are straight forward - 1,2 & 3 for hold when it asks and the rest is simple. Also from KAPSA is the "Gardner" game. Don't ask about the name - they're Polish! Press the key corresponding to the line on-screen which will invert that line, keep doing this until you've completed the game! It aint easy though......!!!! CM Disc Details And for you Triltex fans, Stevey -T- brings you yet more of those amazing solutions....don't cheat too much..... AXE introduces another brilliant character, this time named Morton Quality. We had this demo on show at the Haydock Show and there were literally crowds to see it (well, for a Haydock Show....) Ben Wyatt helps out again with a rather smoothly animated man for you all to play with (and no Brian, I'm not putting an Ooo-er in here!). Colin Anderton has come up with a rather nifty albeit slow 3D logo routine. The one on the disc comes up with FRED but you can change it to whatever you want and then save it off as a BLITZed array and make your programs look stunningly attractive. BM End Of Mag Thanks this month must be ceremoniously lobbed to: ESI Steve Taylor Frank Kirby Martin Bell KAPSA AXE Banzai Ben Wyatt Colin Anderton Mr and Mrs Derek Morgan OK, FRED28 will be out early December but with the mess the Post Office get in, don't get worried until Christmas! You'll definitely get it for Xmas!!!! Remember folks, FRED costs £2 an issue or £20 for a years subscription which is in itself a saving of £4 - not to mention all the hundreds (almost) of special offers.... MUSIC REVIEWS >>>>>>> BM Moozik Hello there! Nice to see you here in FRED's music section. Or, more appropriately, the "My Record Opinions" section. This month, I'll be reviewing three albums, plus an "extra" one (cryptic or what...). Various - Revolution Come and Gone This is a compilation of all the Sub Pop line-up for 1992, and consists of 21 tracks (the album lasts a very respectable 70-odd minutes). When I saw this in HMV for only £7.80, well, you can guess how long it lasted on the shelf. Unfortunately, the old adage applies about how you get what you pay for; there are a few excellent songs on this, but some of the bad ones defy belief. One song, by Steve Jesse Bernstein, sounds like a rehash of the "Avengers" theme tune, except worse. BM RCAG - Various The only way I'd recommend this is to those people who want to discover more heavy-indie type music. From this compilation, there were about 6 good bands which I hadn't heard of before. Unfortunately, none of those bands have albums in my local record stores, and I wouldn't be surprised if I had to travel to Seattle or something just to come close to being able to buy one. Anway, to save you all some money, here are the names of the bands which I'd recommend: Truly Seaweed Supersuckers The Monkeywrench The Dwarves Afghan Whigs Mudhoney are on the album as well, but if you haven't already heard of them, then you've got some serious catching up to do! I'm going to give this 6 out of 10. It's by no means a terrible album, but not a particularly good one. BM Faith No More - Angel Dust Faith No More are brilliant. There can be no doubt about that. Even the hardened Rap fans I know have been known to listen to a bit of FNM. And, coincidentally, here we have their latest CD gasping to be reviewed... Basics first; there are 13 tracks, and almost an hours worth of music to this album. Those of you expecting the gentle melodies of songs like "The Edge of the World" from THE REAL THING are going to be in for a shock. This album is much heavier in content, and I suppose borders on thrash on occasion. While there aren't any songs that could be described as anywhere near as good as "From Out of Nowhere", the album as a whole is much more consistent than the last one, with only the last track providing a noticeable change of pace, and songs sounds like the band were monumentally stoned at the time - incidentally, I bought a guitar book the other month, and it actually advised that playing while stoned is a great learning experience! BM Faith No More - Angel Dust The two recent singles are both included, and the album really is class. Definitely worth buying. 8 out of 10, no problem. Afghan Whigs - Congregation Those of you who actually pay attention to what I write in this section will remember that the Afghan Whigs were one of the bands I recommended from the SUB POP compilation a few pages ago. I happened to find this album hiding away on vinyl in HMV, but I couldn't get it on CD (which was bugging). The record version of this has the track from Revolution... on it, but it's not mentioned on the inlay - an "extra" track I suppose you could call it. I don't know if the CD or tape versions will have it on, but it turns out that the track - Miles Iz Ded - is the best on the album. The album, unusually for Sub Pop, is fairly slow and atmospheric (as opposed to chaotic and atmospheric), and while it's good to listen to, it does lack something. BM Afghan Whigs - Congregation Possibly originality - it sounds like countless other bands. But that's not to say it's not a good album. In fact, I'll give it 7 out of 10. BONUS ALBUM Now, the bonus album - Belinda Carlisle's Greatest Hits (or whatever it's called). Somebody foolishly gave my sister this for her birthday a few weeks ago, and it's just about got me dribbling in the corner in despair; the little git keeps playing it first thing on Sunday mornings and at all sorts of highly inconvenient moments. And it's not just that, it's the fact that it's all she ever listens to now! Anyway, I thought I'd better warn everybody against buying this, because it's dire, dire stuff. Actually, it's probably not that good.... 0 out of 10.
Letters & Reviews
CM (!) Reviews / Letters 1 : This page 2 : Letter from and to the SCPDSA - essential reading! 5 : Emon instructions by Mat of ESI 12 : Letter from John Hawkins 14 : Letter from Andy Penny 17 : Reply to Andy Penny 19 : Parallax review by BM 22 : SpellMaster review by BM 25 : Next Month Uh-Huh This is an exact copy of a letter Brent C Stevens (trading as the SCPDSA) sent out to people about a month ago : Dear SAM user, We regret to inform you that the SCPDSA (SAM Computer Public Domain Software Association) has ceased trading due to unforseen circumstances regarding the liquidation of SAM Computers Ltd. The SCPDSA has been supported by SAM Computer Ltd under Team SAM, and the SCPDSA can no longer continue running without the lifeline from SAM Computers Ltd. Your past support has been much appreciated, and we wish you better success with computer purchases in the future. Yours Sincerely, Brent C. Stevens (Proprietor) CM Colin's Reply To put it bluntly, Brent is talking a load of bullfrogs. Brent was TRADING AS SCPDSA just as I am TRADING AS FRED Publishing, this means that he cannot simply wipe out any debts he has. If Brent owed you a copy of his "magazine" (no chortles, please) or any discs, then HE STILL OWES YOU THEM. Only by filing for bankruptcy could Brent rid himself of these. You may have noticed that he used the word "Computers" instead of "Coupe". All throughout the SCPDSA, it stood for Coupe and he has only changed it, I presume, to give the impression that he was closely connected with SAMCo. Firstly, It is actually illegal for him to call himself what he did because the copyright of "SAM Computers" and "SAM Coupe" lies with other people - not him! Secondly, the SCPDSA was not connected with SAMCo any more than people like ZAT, Enceladus or Supplement. As far as I know, there was NO COMMUNICATION between Brent and SAMCo during 1992. PTO CM Colin's Reply Hence, the rubbish about the lifeline is absolute nonsense. He has used Alan's misfortune, to try to rid himself of debt and a very bad name - remember he started to let things slide at the end of last year? I warned him. No joy. I pulled all future discs out of the SCPDSA to try to make him see sense. No Joy. I pulled all FRED discs out of the SCPDSA. Nope, he produced one issue of an absolutely appalling magazine and then disappeared. At last, but by no means least is the matter of his referal to "better success with computer purchases". Just because SAM has had another unfortunate set-back and he can't run a company, he decides to kick the SAM when it was down. As all FRED readers and SAM users will agree, the SAM is a formidable computer which will be around for a long time to come. And Brent, remember, the SAM and the SAM users that were your customers paid for your fancy car, PC and 3 SAMs, so don't slag them off, OK. If Brent does owe you ANYTHING then either let me know, or phone him in the evenings on 081 546 5809. MAT EMon v2.09 EMon is a Disassembler program for SAM Coupe. This version (2.09) is completely share ware and it's full version so you may use it and spread it if you want to. But if you like this program please send £2 to FRED Publishing who will pass it on to me. EMon is copyrighted to ESI and it's author MAT of ESI. First a few words about how to start with EMon. If you have 512K machine you must load it as normal CODE file. On 256K you have to prepare working version first. To do it you must type in: MERGE "EMON2_0"CODE 245760 SAVE OVER "EMON2_0"CODE 245760,LENGTH,245760 where LENGTH is number you first read from directory. Of course you may rename this file to "AUTO*" and then load it simply by pressing F9. MAT EMon After you load EMon you'll see copyright note and scrolling text "PRESS ANY KEY TO START...". Do it, and you'll go to EMon. When you're in, you can see part of disassembled memory. It starts from address called MEMBAS, and you may change it using: CURSOR UP - by one byte (or line in text mode) CURSOR DOWN - by one line CURSOR LEFT - by eight bytes (or lines) CURSOR RIGHT - by eight lines M - set MEMBAS to required address (0-65535) To change display mode use following commands: A - switch between ASSEMBLER and ASCII SHIFT+A - switch between ASSEMBLER and TEXT H - switch between DECIMAL and HEX When you're entering number (such as M command) and you're in HEX mode you may delete '&' mark and enter DEC number, and in MAT EMon DEC mode you may enter HEX number by entering '&' (it's also on F6 key). You may also enter single character as number using '$' mark first. And one more key is F0 which let you to enter current MEMBAS value. EMon let you to look into SAM memory, but it works just like Z80 - you may see only 65536 bytes. To work with all memory you use paging registers and in EMon you must do it exactly the same way. Lower Memory Page Register is key F1, and Higher Memory Page Register is F2. Next what you can do with EMon is searching memory. You may search both texts and bytes strings. To look for text you use T command. To look for bytes string use S command. When you enter all bytes you want to search just press RETURN. During entering number for searching you may press F5 what gives you 'MSK' text. It mean, that in this position may appear any byte. You may escape searching by ESC. To search the same item again simply press N. MAT EMon Now how to change memory content. You may use P command which works exactly like BASIC POKE command - first enter address, press RETURN then enter value you want and press RETURN again. If you want to POKE a few bytes starting from MEMBAS simply press SHIFT+P and then you don't need to enter address but only values. To finish it press ESC. You may also enter short texts (one line) using I command (it's entering starting from MEMBAS). Next two command are C - copy block and F - fill block of memory. First enter block start address then destination address and block length for copy or start address, length and value to fill with for fill (ESC terminate both fill and copy). There are two commands you may recount numbers from one system to another. D command let you change number from DEC to HEX, from HEX to DEC or from ASCII to DEC and HEX. B command let you to change DEC, HEX or ASCII to BIN. Of course you may load any data from disk. To select drive MAT EMon you want to use press SHIFT+D. To read a few sectors use SHIFT+R (sides are 0 or 1), to write use SHIFT+W. Last two commands works exactly like READ AT and WRITE AT from BASIC, but SHIFT+R will read real length of sectors not always 512 bytes. Last disk command is SHIFT+L. It let you to load block from disk when you know it's first sector and track numbers. But remember, that you're working on 64K and longer blocks will wrap in memory. BTW if you don't know, block is the number of sectors when each one has number of track/sector of next one in it's last two bytes (this is the way DOS works). Using EMon you may simply analyse programs with two keys. First is F7 which let you to change MEMBAS to address which is determined by first disassembled instruction. For example: you're looking at the program 13567 CD3D5C CALL 23613 MAT EMon Normally to check this subroutine you have to press M then 23613, check it and then... where was this CALL ??? With EMon it's no problem. Simply press F7, and you move to your subroutine check it and simply press F9 to return to place you jump from. You may use F7 twenty times and be sure that after twenty F9 you'll return to begin. If you use F7 more than 20 times first addresses will be lost. But F7 not only CALLs or JUMPs. You may also work with JR,DJNZ,RST and all other (which works just like call). To make work easier there are eleven POINTERS. Pointer is address you may go to using SYMBOL+number from 0 to 9. To set any pointer at MEMBAS simply press F3 and enter number of pointer you want to set. But 0 to 9 it's only ten pointers. There is one more you may set using SYMBOL+'.' and go to using just '.'. There is one more thing in EMon. You can see note in lower MAT EMon part of screen. It's not only note for you. You may use this place as simple and short notepad. Press space and you'll see cursor. You may use almost all normal editing keys with it. To exit notepad press ESC. To clear all note press F0 and to clear line with cursor press F1. You may also copy note to memory using F4 (all note is 256 bytes long). And that's almost everything about EMon. One more command is Q which let you to QUIT EMon. Now you may start working with this program. If you have any problems or something just write to me (my address is in this guide and in EMon). Good work with EMon wish you Maciej Woloszyk MAT of ESI Torun 1992-09-21 . JH Letter From John Hawkins Dear Fred, Further to our phone conversation, a few more thoughts on Sam. My kids are getting a Megadrive for Xmas and having looked at the cost of this it's become obvious what a huge con is being perpetrated - I'm already hearing of people who are selling their Megadrives because they've finished Sonic and simply cannot afford any more games! I'd rather save and get an Amiga, but my arm is being twisted! Sam is perfectly placed to take advantage of this, now that the Speccy is done for, but what we need are more games with real depth, and graphics to do the Sam justice. I know this needs investment, but at the moment we have too many black backgrounds and parallax star fields! Enigma showed what could be done with Defenders and Sam Strikes Out, and Boing looks hopeful. Come back Chris White... JH Letter From John Hawkins I'm not clear what West Coast are planning, but people will start wanting a real computer again, and with Amiga prices coming down, Sam will have a hard time. But the advantage is that it is an accessible machine, which can appeal to the games market as well as the enthusiast. Of course a DMA chip would help! Maybe it's all too late, but I feel it could still be successful with a few breaks. Keep up the good work anyway and my kids might run back to the Sam on Boxing Day! John Hawkins CM : OK, point taken about Parallax - I think all involved in that project are regretting it, although at the time we did what we thought was best. Some you win...... Yes, Boing looks good. So does Dyzonium, ETracker, Bulgulators and WaterWorks. In fact, all of them have the "polished" look that I think you're looking for. As for the hardware side - well, we'll have to wait and see..... AP Letter from Andy Penny Dear FREDitor, I'm just writing to ask if there is anyone at all who bought the Kaleidoscope. If so, is the reason that I havn't seen any extended palette pictures at all yet because the device is totally impractical, or are you all just lazy? After all the fuss about it, you would have thought something would have surfaced by now!? I was reading the letter from a Mr. Dan Cannon just now, and your reply prompted me to write this letter. I would like to know one thing. Is it at all POSSIBLE to add a device such as a 'BLITTER CHIP' or 'DMA CHIP' to the circuitry of the SAM computer. If it is indeed possible, then I think you are being a little more than pessimistic by replying in such a negative way AP Letter from Andy Penny to the suggestion of such a potentially exciting development. In fact I would suggest that you were in fact doing your readers a great disservice by not investigating the possibility before poo-pooing the idea as too expensive. I believe a much better response would be to show SAM users how this modification could be achieved, and then throw open to debate weather or not it is a viable proposition. You never Know, Maybe even those hardware development kits everybody bought will come in handy after all!??! So, lets have some discussion on the matter, and a column or two about how blitter chips work and how they can be connected to computer circuits. At the very least it would make very interesting reading. I wonder if you could tell me, which arcade development kit is the best one to buy, Scads or Gamesmaster? AP Letter from Andy Penny Which one gives the fastest, smoothest movement of sprites. Which one allows the largest sprites, the most sprites, is the easiest to use, offeres the best way of giving your sprites artificial intelligence? Which one offers the best sound facilities and graphical facilities? I ask because I believe there are several blockbuster games inside me bursting to get out, and one of these programmes could be just what I need to do it. From: Andy M.J. Penny, 62 Locksheath Park Road, Locksheath, Hants, SO3 6LZ. CM : There have not been enough Kaleidoscopes sold to warrant an outside company such as FRED to develop products for it - however ESI do want their art package to be able to use it's features... By next month, we should have a complete comparison of the two arcade designers. In the meantime, buy ETracker!!!!! CM Reply OK, about this new-ASIC business. I know that I sounded pessimistic in my reply but I have very good reasons. I was there when this "new-ASIC" was discussed - in short the story was - Bruce Gordon was asked if it was possible to speed up the SAM, have more colours etc etc to which he replied "Yes, but I'd need £50,000 to do it". I see it as someone's wish that has been exaggerated out of all proportion. There was no way that sort of money was going to be raised - any spare money is going into just getting the bare machine back on it's feet! I know the response Your Sinclair has had, and frankly, it didn't surprise me. SAM people have had enough dissapointments and I didn't promote the idea at all because I could see no future in it. It might happen - but a lot needs to happen just to get SAM back into production! Without worrying about how 1,000 people would replace their ASIC - the most important chip in the Coupe! CM Reply I know it's a pessimistic line of thought but I think it would be pointless to think otherwise. With the SAM itself, I know several other "magazine editors" are very negative and pessimistic to the future of SAM. The SAM itself is something I am optimistic about - it's already been done. It is good. It has a user base. It has games, utilities, demos, magazines - lots and lots of support as well. I also know that if SAM goes back into production, the company that are LIKELY to be doing it DO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING, they have plans - good ones, and they have faith in SAM - although 6 months ago they had barely touched a SAM! In the meantime, there is a lot happening for SAM that will keep this market wide open for a long time to come - you can see that by the number of titles FRED and Revelation are releasing now! And I guarantee you - there is going to be lots more great software published in the near future, as well as the not-so- near future!!!! Keep the faith people. BM Reviews - Parallax The second ever commercially released shoot-'em-up: Parallax. Completely lacking in plot, Parallax is a much more traditional shoot-'em-up than Sphera. Not only is it horizontally scrolling, but your ships actually explodes when you die, instead of displaying a puny "I don't think that was a very good idea..." type message. There isn't really much you can say about the game. It has its power-ups: extra speed, extra life, extra multiple (a pod that flies around the ship), smart bomb and extra points. The problem is, it's so bloody hard to get any of them! You need to destroy an entire wave to get a power up, and that really is asking too much when you take into account the factor which I think ruins the game: you can only fire the one bullet at a time, and no more until (a) it reaches the and of the screen, or (b) until it hits an alien. This turns the game into what can only be described as a strategy game of sorts! BM Reviews - Parallax The game is probably the best presented so far on the SAM (in case any of you are turned on by presentation!), and the music really is impressive; it sounds much less beepy than most music on the SAM somehow. One thing which annoyed me a lot was the fact that every time the game ends, the main menu is loaded back in and then the first level is loaded again; the problem is, it takes ages, and when you get killed in the first minute of the first level it causes just a little frustration! Whether this is the result of the protection system on the disk I don't know, but it's there and it's annoying. The game itself is well programmed, and has nice little touches to it (like the parallax stars which, when the player moves up/down, also scroll up/downwards). The graphics are fairly good, although they do suffer from what a reviewer in CRASH (I think it was CRASH, anyway) termed "Polo Syndrome" - the aliens look more like items of confectionery than hostile life forms... BM Reviews - Parallax I have to say that this game could have been great. But, due to the unfortunate one-bullet-at-a-time factor, it's not. In fact, it's not even particularly good, which is a shame as there's a definite impression that a great deal of effort has been put into it. It's just too frustrating. As far as marks go, I'm going to give this 5 out of 10. SAM, I'm afraid, still hasn't found a "proper" shoot-'em-up. ( CM : OK, so you didn't like it - you might at least have used up the full three pages though!) BM Reviews - Spellmaster Spellcheckers eh? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, as the saying goes. Well, now you don't need to live without them for you can buy Spellmaster (okay, it's not much of an intro. Sorry. I'll try better next time). Spellmaster is, as I suppose you all probably know by now, a Spellchecker. You can either use it to check a text file created by one of the popular word-processors (Outwrite, Tasword II, Secretary, etc) or you can simply use the built-in word-processor to type in a file. The manual claims that this is a very basic WP, but it does have most of the options needed to get by, if not all of them. Anyway, once the file has been loaded into memory, you can check the entire file, or just check certain words, or even have words checked as you type them. There's certainly no shortage of options! 512k SAM owners get a slightly better deal with this, as the dictionary of words is slightly larger than that available to 256k owners. Not to worry though; it's easy enough to add words BM Reviews - Spellmaster to the dictionary, or even create new dictionaries full of technical terms (or swear words, if that's what appeals to you). If you're feeling bored, you can choose to look through the dictionary(s) - the plot's not much , but the author certainly has a good vocabulary, ha ha ha. As well as the spellchecking facilities offered by this package, there's also the puzzle-solver feature. Using this, you can either type in letters you know for a crossword and the program will come up with all the possibilities, or you can enter a selection of letters and the program will display all the anagrams of the letters. So, what's the package like then? Well, as far as spellcheckers go, it's very good indeed. It's extremely fast - more so than one I use on the Amiga, anyway - and it's very easy to get to grips with. The word-processor might not win any prizes but it covers all the essentials. BM Reviews - Spellmaster The puzzle-solver things aren't much more than gimmicks, but they're a nice touch, and if you enjoy crosswords you might well find this a very useful gimmick. I can't see the vast majority of users getting too worked up about it though. The package comes with a helpful little manual, although there is a help screen in the actual program. I doubt you'll need to use this much though, because the program really is that simple to use. To sum up, this is a very good package. I won't give it a mark, because it's difficult to evaluate such a piece of software. Obviously if you feel you need a spellchecker then it's indispensable , but if you don't, well, it's useless. I for one would buy it. ( CM : He's learning! Not fast, but he's learning) CM Next Month In FRED 28 which will get to you by Christmas (provided you're sensible enough to have a subscription) will contain : Reviews of : The Secretary The Bulgulators ETracker Boing WaterWorks Games Master & SCADs Lots of fabulous ETracker tunes - I should know, they've already arrived and they are AMAZING!!!!!! A proper m/c menu system - with Christmassy music!! (ETracker!) Machine Code games and demos GUARANTEED The LATEST news on the SAM hardware AND software scene. And more special offers for you to enjoy!!
SAM Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits" ---------------------------------------- _____-____ -----!========= C;=====; . . . . . . __ \ \ !! \ \___!!___ % = - #__________/ These are the voyages of the StarShip EnterKey..Its five year mission to seek out and destroy all slightly dodgy alien life... To boldly split infinitives where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists.... Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31 -------------------------------------- Nothing much happening. Had quite a nice chicken curry for breakfast. Walked about a bit. Went to the toilet on deck 4. Ignored a few insignificant crew members in red jerseys. Now sitting on the bridge writing this log, but I 'm about to be interrupted by Scotty. Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.." Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.." Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any more!" Jim: "Alright you have permission to divert the power back to the main engines and disconnect my home beer making kit." Scotty: "Thanks cap'n" Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today..." Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys anyway..." Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship. ..The plebs on the lower decks have to believe the allocation is fair otherwise we'd have mutiny on our hands. Hence the weekly jersey allocation game. But of course we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up with the red ones." Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?" Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has to have one to make them believe it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of course yours just LOOKS red.. it's really one of the yellow ones with a special holographic colour refractor built in." Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain" Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo" Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I suffer from..but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults I'll kick your teeth in." Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?" Spock: "Emmm....yes captain" Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one..." Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again" Lt. Uhura: "Sir, is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr.Scott's?" Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next episode.." Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next episode. I can get another acting job easily." Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?" Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..." Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?" Lt.Uhura : "..basically...yes.." Jim: "..A popular misconception....don't worry though...we meet up with a supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time." Lt.Uhura: "...but I get killed in the next episode..it'll be too late" Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on the fusion reactor field, and plugged the pacman cartridge into the games console in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make episode 3 happen before episode 2?" Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...." NEXT WEEK: Episode 3. NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2. ...you're a genius scotty... Credits: ------- Things Fall By: The force of gravity. Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week... Episode 3: ---------- Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42 -------------------------------------- By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3 happen before episode 2, thus saving Lt.Uhura's life. We expect to rendezvous so on with an earth bound supply ship, which Lt.Uhura will journey home aboard...thus avoiding the untimely death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till episode 2. Jim:"Mr.Sulu..let me know when we hit the supply ship." Spock: "Jim..." Jim: "Quiet Spock!..can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?" Sulu: "Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad." Jim: "Well try not to do so much damage this time....the Federation had to write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you killed 500 crew members. It's just as well they were all red jersey grade or you'd have been up for a Federation Court Martial." Sulu: "I've taken lessons since then...I can steer the ship fine now." Spock: "Jim..." Jim: "Shut up Spock...I'm still addressing Mr.Sulu..." Sulu: "As I was saying...I've now realised that the secret of steering the EnterKey properly is to look where you're going...quite obvious really." Spock: "Jim..I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation with Mr.Sulu, but the fact that we are about to collide with a large planet might be of considerable interest to both of you." Jim: "Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!" Sulu: "..I beg your pardon?" Jim: "Quick you fool!..slam on the brakes!..Scotty give us full reverse warp drive power!!!!" Scotty: "The dilithium crystals canna take it captain..." Jim: "Right!..activate the flashing red lights and start up the whooping sirens ...this is a red alert...we're going to have to attempt a crash landing" Sulu: "Are you sure we can do that sir?" Jim: "Yes you idiot...it's in the script. That big green button to your left that wasn't there last week lowers the undercarriage." Sulu: "Oh!..so THAT's what it does...ok then..undercarriage lowered...we're going in....hang on to yer trousers...." Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable little Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good smoke on his pipe.. It was finest grade pot from the eastern marches, and its full effect was now coming over Frodo...Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its ears and float around the room. Gandalf meanwhile...who was also partaking of the evil weed FELT like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically flapped its ears and floated round the room. "Like heaveee man...what was that bang I just heard?", said Gandalf ..suddenly sitting bolt upright in his chair and straining to hear the commotion outside the window. "It's just the start of the percussion section.....you know..we're on the third side now....", replied Frodo. "I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic Oceans...and that bloody record player is an anachronism anyway...you should get rid of it.", said Gandalf as he got up from his chair and staggered toward the small round window. "Oh bugger....it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody starship...they've crash landed right in the middle of Hobbiton.", exclaimed Gandalf with faint signs of annoyance sweeping over his face. He straightened out his flares, buckled his sandals and made for the door...with Frodo scurrying after in a state of bemused excitement.... Next Week: Episode 2 . Credits: ------- Prevailing wind and weather patterns by: The Coriolis Effect. Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling episode. Episode 2: ---------- Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:50 point 42 -------------------------------------- We have crash landed on a strange little planet which wasn't on any of the standard Federation star maps...or at least that's Mr.Sulu's excuse. Until we either fix or replace the burned out dilithium crystals in the warp drive unit we cannot take off. Scotty: "You B!@#$%D !!" Jim: "Pardon???!?" Scotty: "You do it deliberately don't you?..you wreck my engines every episode." Jim: "Calm down Scotty...I promise we'll get them fixed.." Scotty: "..you've been taking a sneak look at the script again haven't you??" Jim: "emmm...er...no of course not...I just get the feeling we'll get them fixed by the end of today's episode." Scotty: "...and how do you propose to go about fixing them?" Jim: "Well first of course we'll need a landing party...Any volunteers?" Spock: "I'll come..." Scotty: "...och ok I'll come.." Jim: "Right let's go...we'll pick up a few red jerseyed guards on the way down..." [10 minutes later, they stand outside the EnterKey on what appears to be a rough cobbled road] Jim: " Hmmm..a road eh...a sign of civilisation....set your phasers to 'kill'. Give me a tricorder reading Spock." Spock: "Atmosphere: breathable oxygen/nitrogen mixture..." Scotty: "..I should bloody well hope so.....and anyway.. Federation Standard Landing Party Procedure states that tricorder readings of atmospheric content should take place BEFORE we set foot on the planet" Spock: "That's Federation bureaucrats for you....Someone should point out to them that it's only possible to take a tricorder reading once you're actually there..." Scotty: "but...but...but what happens if the atmosphere wasn't breathable?" Spock: "It always is...." Jim: "Anything else on the tricorder Spock?" Spock: "Yes I'm picking up some primitive radio frequency signals... ...here listen..." [...it's a brand new dance now...come on baby..do the locomotion...] Jim: "..primitive indeed..." Spock: "I bet she's got nice legs though.." Jim: "Spock!..what's wrong with you...that was Scotty's line..." Scotty: "Never mind that...look!" [Scotty points frantically at an angry crowd approaching...led by a tall white bearded old man in a funny pointed hat] Jim: "Right ..guards...blast them first..ask questions later.." [The two red-jerseyed guards step forward, arm their phasers and take aim...] (uuuh ...and the question is Emlyn...WHAT happened next?) ********* ************ Next Week: Episode 4. ************************ Credits: ------- Missiles launched by: Mistake Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling episode. Episode 4: ---------- [...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was actually episode two of course) in a bit of a predicament. Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives led by a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed hat. Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd before it was too late....] Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (entry made by outdoor battery operated log) --------------------------------- We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives... Two of our guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of phaser fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching me now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting very close and is still walking at quite a pace.....umph!... Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to be..." Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the...err..dust..(for want of a better word)) "That's alright" Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they annoying you too?. ..I thought I'd better get rid of them before they did any harm" Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually no... I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted them...they were about to attack us all I think" Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your diplomatic skills might be the best way to get around these savages" Jim : "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we get back to the ship" Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you" Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!? ?!?" Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target practice when you were at Federation cadet school?" Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?" Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase in my early years....just research really...into the day to day lives of inanimate objects....but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by disrupting the lives of these little people!" Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landed I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either repair or replace our burnt out dylithium crystals..." Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or else we'll have to take severe action!" Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right we'll do our best.. " Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow) "I think we may be in luck Captain" Jim: "Who is he? " Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they call the very latest in large scale construction projects...the Hobbiton Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre, shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one.....Groan...what am I doing..standing here nattering to you lot..I'm off...and I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!" Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow..Dylithium crystals!" Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock, remind me of Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien lifeforms" Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien lifeforms in a friendly and diplomatic manner." Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!" Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) "Kryvh ne grok!" Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here Captain..." Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway. Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe the Dylithium." Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I would not get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon" Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.." Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run off in sheer terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow ...and Spock slips back to grab the crystals..." Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but anyway it's a brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of 3...1.2.3...RUN for it!" [**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****] Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fully operational, Captain." Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac of diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced a troop of guards on deck 3..." Spock: "How did he get on board?" Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the door behind us!....We'll have to forget about him till later ....We have more urgent matters to attend to...like getting off this planet....What time do you make it Mr.Sulu?" Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir" Jim: "Give me that in English , Sulu" Sulu: "About teatime, sir" Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!" Sulu: "Aye aye Captain" Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's something in the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive in populated areas.....ah, what the hell........ Ho hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura being taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all.... ********************* Next Week: Episode 5. ************************ Galactic Credits: ---------------- Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries Missiles launched by: Computer Error Dwarves supplied by: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling episode....and remember...In Space..No One Can Hear You Being-Sliced-Neatly-In-Two-By-A-Slightly-Upset-Axe-Wielding- Dwarf. Episode 5: ---------- Captain's Log Stardate 3.1415927 -------------------------------- We are cruising at warp factor 3 in a previously uncharted corner of the galaxy and... Spock: "Excuse me for interrupting Captain, but must you use such simplistic and inaccurate language? The word "corner" just has no meaning in relation to the concepts of space and time, indeed it is even theorised that the words space and time themselves are ultimately just labels for indescribable and poorly understood deeper concepts." Jim: "....You do the damn log then smarty.." [**** BUMP !!! ****] Jim: "..What the..." Sulu: "Captain!..We've stoppped dead!" Jim: "Not AGAIN!...what have you hit THIS time....Yawn...Bring up the forward view on the screen." Sulu: "Aye aye Captain" Jim: "I don't believe it.....I just DON'T believe it..." Spock: "...highly illogical.." Sulu: "It would appear to be a large... wall..in fact..two large brick walls...meeting at approximately 90 degrees to each other....." Spock: "Groan..." Jim: "Ok Spock, you're fired." Spock: "But Captain!" Jim: "No buts ....you're off at the next Federation Starbase" Spock: "Wait. ..this CAN'T be right...let me try something..." [Fiddles with various scanner controls...] Spock: "There! The scanners indicate the presence of 3 Klingon ships behind the walls...It's obviously just an image thrown up by their cloaking device." Jim: "Klingons!..I might have known....but how can a holographic image from a cloaking device actually feel solid?...we did get quite a thump when we hit it after all..." Spock: "Ah. ...good point" [There is an explosion on the forward viewer and a gaping hole appears in one of the walls...through which 3 Klingon battlecruisers emerge...] Spock: "Bang goes that theory..if you pardon the pun" Jim: "This is getting silly..who's writing this week's episode?" Sulu: "Scanners indicate that it's the same writer as for the other episodes" Jim: "Ok ...we'll trust that he can get us out of this convincingly... Anyway....Uhura...open all hailing frequencies and make contact with the Klingon vessels" Uhura: "Aye aye sir..." Jim: " ...and one other thing Uhura....get that beard seen to" Uhura : (Standing up suddenly brandishing a phaser) "Grrrrr! Ok I've had enough of you Kirk......All of you...over there..and get your hands up" ********************* Next Week: Episode 6. ************************ Galactic Credits: ------------ ---- Spock's Ears: Sort of pointy Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries Impostor Uhura Supplied By: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling episode.... SPECIAL OFFER: Get your own Tricorder, just like Mr. Spock's, for only 2 pounds 99p, from : Starship Enterprises, Mr.Spock's *Official* Tricorder Offer, PO Box 42, Pythagoras Street, Planet Vulcan. Episode 6: ---------- Captain's Log Stardate 42.424242 -------------------------------- We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as Uhura, and to make matters worse, we are confronted by three Klingon battlecruisers.. Uhura: "Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there and keep your hands up!" Jim: "I was just doing my Captain's log" Uhura: "I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk" Spock: "Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet Command will send out a patrol ship to look for us. And then we'd be rescued, you'd be caught , hung, and then given a fair trial. You wouldn't want that would you?" Uhura: "As long as you didn't put anything in the log that might arouse their suspicions..." Jim: "Oh no no, nothing of the sort....Just the usual stuff about the engines, the crew, the ship in general really." Uhura: "...Nothing about me?" Jim: "Nope...it completely slipped my mind that you were here actually.." Uhura: "Hmm..alright then...but check with me next time you want to do anything." Jim: (whispering) "phew!...that was a close one Spock....how long till Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?" Spock: (whispering) "3. 4212 hours approximately Captain" Jim: "Damn...how can we hold out here for over 3 hours?...I feel like I need to go and powder my nose already..." Checkov: "Here Captain, you can use mine" (producing a make-up set from his handbag) Jim: "Groan...Checkov...you must learn not to translate everything literally into Russian...when I say I want to powder my nose I mean...oh forget it......." Uhura: "Look you lot!..Stop muttering...just keep your hands up, and keep quiet!" (fiddling with a few switches on the communications panel) "Purple Hamster calling Klingon battlecruisers, come in please... Purple Hamster to Klingon battlecruisers..." ["This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster...we read you loud and clear.."] Uhura: "I have the crew at gunpoint....please come aboard.." Jim: "Why the dirty little!!....He's a Klingon agent..." Uhura: "Very observant of you Kirk...." Jim: "What are you after ...you..fiend!" Uhura: "For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture a Federation Starship...and at last we have succeeded..." Spock: "...The Federation's greatest technical secrets are incoporated into its starships.....they'll find out the secret of the warp drive system.......how our weapons work....how our transporters work..." Uhura: "Bugger all that.....we want to find out how to make our doors go 'Sheesh'" Jim: "How do you know that OUR doors go ...'Sheesh'?" Uhura: "It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence...It took us many years to find out, but our greatest scientists built a new sensor device that could be used to detect the door noises on nearby starships..." Spock: (whispering to Jim) "..very ingenious..but also extremely pointless.....Typical of the Klingons really....they've a lot to learn.....and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV series and they didn't..." Uhura: "Shut up.....and stand at attention...prepare to salute Commander F.J.Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle legion..." [Trumpet fan fare, as the main doors to the bridge open.....] . Episode 7: ---------- Captain's Log Stardate 42.5 --------------------------- ..well...the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been pretty impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken his neck. Some Klingon guards have just arrived to stretcher him away, and it looks as if our impostor Uhura has assumed control of the Klingon boarding party. They seem to be taking apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door Sheeshing mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to prevent them finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves us. Uhura: "Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?" Jim: "It's a LOG ....and YES I am doing it!" Uhura: "Good ...but remember..no funny business...and no mention of anything out of the ordinary" Jim: "Yes yes....don't worry.." Uhura: "By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door sheeshing mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically beaming members of your crew into deep space." Jim: "You fiend....you 'll never get away with this!...and a triple fanged swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag the information out of me..." Uhura: "..sorry...did I not mention that you'd be the first to be beamed?" Jim: "..Ah....It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on deck 3b" Uhura: "I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking Kirk.....Guards!..watch them carefully till I get back." [The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon guards to keep an eye on the EnterKey crew members] Jim: "That should give us some breathing space....let's see now..236 cubicles.. at 1 cistern per cubicle...that's 235 cisterns..and at say 1 minute to search each one..that makes..." Spock: "Excuse me Captain...shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?" Jim: "Should it?" Spock: "Well usually it has been my experience that 236x1 is 236, thus since there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per cubicle, that must mean there are 236 cisterns" Jim: "Are you sure you can do it that way?...I remember actually counting all the cisterns one day, just in case it might come in useful, and I'm pretty sure there were 235. ....though I suppose I could have miscounted......" Spock: "....yes well let's just say that if Uhura searched every one it would take something approaching 4 hours...but you really have to take into account that on average he really only needs to search half of them.. indeed..we might be unlucky and he might find it straight away..." Jim: "Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate amount of breathing space..... ok let's make the best of it...Spock, remind me of Federation Standard Code on Dealing With Klingon Boarding Parties" Spock : "Look it up yourself...there's the manual.." Jim: "Spock!.That's an order!" Spock: "Listen...I'm not here to act as a walking library for you, just because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it for yourself.. The Vulcan mind is for higher things...I didn't want to be a ship's Science Officer anyway....I wanted to be a lumberjack...striding through the forests of British Columbia...the maple, the larch.. the mighty Scots Pine!...." Jim: "Hold him down!...he's taken one of his funny turns...." [They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor....] Spock: [muffled under a pile of bodies] "...I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..." Bones: "Keep him still while I administer the injection!" Spock: "....I wish I'd been a girlie..just like my dear pap...." Bones: "He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but hopefully when he wakes up he'll be back to normal..." Scotty: "By the way, Dr.McCoy, where did you appear from?" Bones: "I've been here all the time...I just haven't had any lines for quite a while." Scotty: "Me neither...do you think they're trying to write us out of the series?" Jim: "Quiet you two...the Klingon guards are watching us suspiciously.." Scotty: "Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of us was going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up and disarm them..." Jim: "Damn...damn damn damn...." Bones: "What is it?" Jim: "We did that bit all wrong....Scotty should have said his last line BEFORE Spock went cuckoo" Bones: "We'll have to think of something else then....emmm...." Checkov: "I have an idea Captain" Jim: "Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!" Checkov: "But it might just work" Jim: "Checkov, be QUIET!......Now Bones, how about if we all started singing and dancing? They'd come over to see what we were doing, then we'd jump on them." Bones: "They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock caused...so I reckon they've been warned about any such tricks we might play..." Jim: "Oh alright Checkov....out with it!" Checkov: "This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we just blast them with our phasers?" Jim: [Sarcastically] "VERY clever Checkov....and I suppose if YOU boarded an enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let them keep their weapons?" Checkov: "....THEY did...." Jim: "Don't be stu...uh!......I DON'T believe it!" Checkov: "Can I fire first then?" Jim: "No, I'll shoot first.....ready?...set phasers to kill.....fire!!" [The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised...along with a good deal of very essential, and very expensive communications and sensor equipment in the panels behind them...(This has no significance to any future turn in the story..I just thought I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimping on the special effects)] Jim: "Right!...to the turbolift!" [They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors at the back of the bridge..] [Sheesh...] [aaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh ...] ********************* Find out next week what they found in the turbolift....was it Spock's used underwear? Was it Scotty's pet haggis? ....Can you stand the suspense? Can I think up something convincing?.... Will Bones and Scotty get more lines to say?......Just tune in next week and all will be answered.... ERM...WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHEN AND IF THE NEXT EPISODE WILL GO COMING TO FRED - I'LL TRY ANYWAY. COMMENTS PLEASE????? CM