Fred 81

Issue 81

December 1997

Magazine

CA                          It's Me!

                               ___________________________
                  ooooooo     !                           !
                 ooooooooo    ! Hello, this is a little   !
                oooo   oooo   ! what I look like in the   !
                ooo      oo   ! reflection of my TV (but  !
                a         o   ! not so freaky).  So, it's !
                a   *  *  a   ! quite a good way of       !
                 a    i  i    ! personally saying welcome !
                  i   j  i   /  to another issue of FRED. !
Yes, I do         i      i  /_____________________________!
have a neck, ->  /i  === /\_
but I was       /  \____/   \_
ducking so I   /              \_
could see     /                 \_
myself.      !                    \_
             !                      \  <- Note the pretty good
             !     !                /      rolled up jumper
             !     !          \____/ \       effect!
             !     !          !  \    \
CA            Regular As Clockwork, That's Me...

It's literally two minutes since I finished FRED 80, checked
through the contents (probably missed lots of errors) and even
now it's waiting for tommorrow morning when it'll be shipped up
to Darren.  "Why the rush?" you cry.  Well, mainly because I
have nothing better to do, but also because we want this issue
out a month after the other and this way, it might happen!

Despite this, though, I've got plenty brewing up inside my head
to talk about.  You see, I wrote the last editorial way, way,
way, way, way, way, way before I finished the issue, so I'm just
bursting with things to remember.

Colin MacD is back and keen to find out how things are going.
The last card he sent me didn't have any writing on, you know.
Just a signature!  The cheek of it.  I know his game - he just
wanted to make me jealous.  Well, it may have worked for a small
period, but at least I'm safe in the knowledge that he's back
and he's in even bigger debt than me (spiteful laugh).

CA                       Whoooo Hooooo

"Colin, what have you been doing?" you say, with your finger on
the skip-5-pages key.

"Ha, ha!" I reply delightedly, unaware that no-one cares.

Darren and I would appear to have something in common (almost).
Fresh from my Glastonbury experiences (the E-coli disease is
progressing nicely, by the way), I craved for more.  So, being
the mad, wild, spur-of-the-moment man I am, I went to one day of
V97 in Leeds.  Naturally, I went to the Blur day because I
despise the other day's headliners.  Darren was going to V97
too, which I thought was great.  Except he was going to
Chelmsford instead.  Anyway, it was lovely.  Blur said that
Leeds was better than Chelmsford, so ner ner, Darren.  At last I
saw The Divine Comedy, and Divine and Comedic they were.  "Once,
de dum dum dum, There was a ti-iiiiime, I could find pretty
words to sing....".  Blur were top, too, as were Kula Shaker and
Dodgy and, ooh, everyone else I saw.  Didn't have the
Glastonbury odour to it, but a nice day out all the same.
CA                     Back To The Future

The other page, I was talking about Colin being back.  Well, now
it would appear that everyone is back.  I'm back in Nottingham
and Allan is back in Leeds.  Allan's hanging about in Leeds for
the rest of his life now after being kicked out of university
and now he has dreams of being a pop superstar (hee hee).

I'll leave the rest of this page for Allan to slag me off now.


AC                         I'm Back!

A QUICK POEM:                           Christmas Pic No. 1:
               Colin is crap
               Colin does smell          _/(_/(_o_o_)\_)\_
               When I see him            \     / \       /
               I don't feel well         /_  _ \ )_  _  _\
                                           )/ )/   \( \(


AC                        Jingle Bells


Well hello guys and gals, and merry christmas (though this issue
probably won't be out 'til well into January given our track
record!)

Anyway, I've taken time out from becoming a pop          No. 2:
superstar to write a few words and help Colin to         _____
get out the first issue of Fred for about... ooh...     (_____)
six months or something stupid.                        (_______)
                                                        ( . . )
I didn't know that you'd been to V97 in Leeds, Col!     (  /  )
(I was probably asleep when you told me.)  You could    ( --- )
hear it from my house, y'know, though it was the         \   /
weekend before I got back from the US, I think, or       /    \
something, so I missed it.  I can't believe Darren      (  .   )
went to Chelmsford.  Honestly... they haven't even      (  .   )
got a Harvey Nichols there.  Pah.                       (  .   )
                                                        (      )

AC                     The Sanity Clause

I must visit Nottingham sometime, but I'll be sure to stay away
from Colin and his dingy world.  Did you know that he wears his
socks eight times before washing them?  And no-one in his house
ever washes up.  Or bathes.  Or brushes their teeth.

               You can tell that I've run out of things to tell
               you lot  -  I've taken to randomly slagging off
  No. 3:       Colin.  Lots of fun, though.  Well, let me think
  _     _      - what has happened to me recently?  Erm, I got
  \\   //      stranded in Blackpool in the middle of the night
 __\\_//__     by our ex-drummer.  I'm not a big fan of Black-
l    W    l    pool at the best of times, not least at 1am on
l    W    l    a cold morning in October.  Anyway, it saved me
lWWWWWWWWWl    having to tell him that we'd decided to fire him.
l    W    l
l    W    l    Every cloud has a silver lining, eh?
l____W____l


AC                       Greasy Turkey
                                                  No. 4:

I hope you can tell what these pictures are     _)\_oo_)\_
of.  I'm no ASCII-art expert, but I think       )___/)___/
think they're recognisable.  Well, I hope       /   O  . \
they are, anyway.                              / o     o  \
                                              /.     .   . \
The third NSSS has been and gone, as has     /    o     O   \
the umpteenth Gloucester gathering.  I    _ /  O    .     .  \ _
had nothing to do with the NSSS this       \__________________/
time, which was nice.  There's this awful
moany woman who does some crappy coffee
morning there, and needs eighty-three tables to put out baskets
of Nice biscuits and key-rings and rubbish.  Anyway, she came in
and said to me "I'll need that table, that..." "No," I said,
"It's got nothing to do with me.  Go moan at that person over
there".  I pointed to George "come on Eileen" Boyle, the
organiser of this NSSS.  Ha ha haaa!


AC                           Socks
         No. 5:
       ___________
      (MMMMMMMMMMM)   At the show, I sold every computer thing I
      (WWWWWWWWWWW)   own apart from my SAM stuff (obviously)
       l         l    and made an absolute packet, too.  Lovely!
       l         l    Scary though, but for the first time since
       l         l    1985 I don't have a Speccy (apart from a
       l         l    brief period in 1991), but it doesn't
       l         l    bother me much.  I had a big sign round
      /           \   my neck which said "Make me an offer" (cue
     /            l   glances from David Ledbury) and another
    /             l   sign which read "All prices are
   /              l   negotiable", and a massive 1-ft-high-
  l              /    letters sign saying "Allan's Bargain
  l             /     Basement".  I did my market stall man act
  l            /      all day, held auctions and generally tried
  l    _______/       my best to sell the lot.  Which I did, at
   \__/               ridiculously low prices.  Ask anyone!

(Erm.. it's a Christmas stocking... sorry...)
CA                           News

Shannon is leaving Home and Away.  In fact, she's probably gone
by the time you read this.  I can't believe it myself.  What is
worse is that they're cutting lots of her and Mandy, so we won't
even get the full pleasure of her departure.  Well, I don't mind
telling you, I am gutted.  Please send all cards of condolence
to the usual address.

And if anyone complains because that wasn't computer news, then
I'll find out your name and humilate you in the pages of FRED.


AC    Dear Colin,
                  I think it is a disgrace that you should
attempt to make news out of Australian soap operas, especially
seeing as though they have nothing to do with computers.  I
shall stop my 38-year old son from reading this filth and am
terminating my subscription immediately.
                                          Regards,
                                                   Ken Sutherton
AC                        Disco Tents


On the D key of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

    BODY BITS.  Sounds rude, but calm down.  What we have here
    is a wonderfully executed medical quiz game.  It's a bit
    like Tibs & Fibs on Channel 5, only funnier.  Instructions
    are in the program.



On the E key of Christmas, my blue glove gave to me...

    MONSOON.  It's a text scrolly demo music fest jamboree jobby
    by Robby Pain.  A joy to watch with an interesting
    scrolly...  Watch it to the end for a big surprise!




AC                        Discontent S


On the F key of Christmas, my true love lathed a pea...

    PAC-DEMO.  PAC as in PACMAN and DEMO as in DEMONSTRATION.
    It's a demonstration (i.e. a showing of a product or other)
    of Pacman (i.e. late-70's maze game featuring yellow sphere
    pitting his wits against some ghosts.)  You know the score.
    By Si Owen.


On the G string of Christmas, my white dove gave to me...

    VIKING RAIDERS.  It's a strategy game of some sort, the main
    strategy being A) how to play it, and B) to finish the
    program.  For some reason, Richard Quirk wants Colin to
    finish it.  As if...



AC                      Dis Con Ten TS!


On the H day of Mix-match, my ruler gave a whee...

    CHAOS THEORY.  Or how Colin spends his free time.


On the J day of Chrimble, my hoop-la ravey dee...

    ZX81 GAMES.  More of the blocky blighters to play on last
    issue's free ZX81 emulator.  Fan-dabby-dozy, eh?


Ron da K way not Rimble, dry who guv Mavis B...

    WAVEPLAYER.  A PC .WAV file player... there's three included
    but I think you need a SAM-DAC to play them.  Included is a
    program called "SETUP" for use with this Martijn Groen prog.


AC                         Thanksyou

            King Kong  - Darren "entourage" Wileman
            King Ralph - Colin "all alone" Anderton
           King Dong  - Allan "babe-magnet" Clarkson

            The above would like to thank the below:

      Dan Doore          Richard Quirk       Martijn Groen
      Bob Brunsden       Darren Martin       Si Owen
      Jack Bailey        Rob Pain            Your mom


                        FRED Publishing
                         [redacted]


CA                      Colin's Top Ten

This month, a personal favourite subject of mine.  My top ten
women!    (Not that you ever get to see any real ones, Ando -AC)

 1. Louise            - I'm off to see her in November
 2. Isla Fisher       - The wonderful Shannon from Home & Away
 3. Jennifer Aniston  - She's lovely, and she's in Friends
 4. Sandra Bullock    - Go and watch Speed 2
 5. Helen Baxendale   - Cardiac Arrest doctor
 6. Cameron Diaz      - I love her
 7. Claire Danes      - Juliet (I've got such a big poster)
 8. Cindy Crawford    - Say no more
 9. Nastassja Kinski  - Foreign bodies in my system...
10. Melissa George    - Angel, Angel, why did you leave???

A friend of mine told me the other day that he thought Anne was
the best Neighbours bird.  After my laughing, I quizzed him why
he chose her instead of the wonderful Sarah (who would be 11th
in the above chart) and he said she was too good looking!  Could
someone please explain what the hell that means???
CA                   Ten Over-rated Women

As with last month, I'll do an opposite top ten.  However, it
would be awful to do a Ten Ugliest Women chart and something I
would never even think about.  So, here's a chart of women who
are regarded as really good looking, but in my opinion shouldn't
be rated as high as they are, which isn't to say they aren't
nice, but, well, you know.

 1. Gillian Anderson - I can already feel the hate mail coming
 2. Tempany Deckert  - Selina from Home and Away
 3. Teri Hatcher     - Nice, but not No. 1 like she was voted
 4. Ginger Spice     - She comes last in my fave Spice Girls
 5. Paula Yates      - Yucky yuck yuck yuck
 6. Tina Turner      - Come on everyone, she's old
 7. My cousin        - She's a model (how????)
 8. Martina Hingis   - Breezy tennis skirt, but come on, lads
 9. Allan Clarkson   - He is a bit of a girl   (Oi! -AC)
10. Marge Simpson    - Look, she's a cartoon character, OK?

       (I couldn't agree more about no.1 here, she's awful. -AC)
AC                      Allan's Top Ten

Hmmm... what could I do for a top ten?  I know!  How about my
top ten smells?  Well, it's worth a try...

 1. The inside of my guitar case - I wish they could bottle it
 2. Bakeries                     - fresh bread and doughnuts
 3. My cat's forehead            - pummy!
 4. Clean sheets         - not something that Colin sees much of
 5. Secondhand record/book shops - musty loveliness
 6. Reeves & Mortimer            - "Iiiiii love the smell of..."
 7. My grandad's pipe tobacco    - not sure why...
 8. Apples                       - big, juicy APPLES!
 9. Bacon                        - when it's being cooked
10. Hot chocolate                - mmmmmm...

An odd top ten, but fun none the less.  Not that smelling things
is a major part of my life, of course, but there's no harm in
making the odd list or two.  Though it's a bit odd.


                            \l/
                            -*-
                            /l\
                             l
                            /l\
                           /\/\\
  Have a very happy       /\*/\\\
                         //\/\\o/\
  Christmas and a      o/\\o\\/\\/\         From all at
                         ///\\*/\\o
  merry New Year        /\*/\\\///\            FRED.
                       /\o/\//\\o\\\
                      //\\//\\\//*/\\
  See you in 98!     /\\/\/*//\/\/\\\\
                     o  ///\\/\/o/\  o
                       /\\//o\\/\\/\
                      //*\/\//\\\*\\\
                      o   __llll__  o
                          \______/
                           \____/
                            \__/
AC                       The Last Word









                   "You're cut too, Shushy."

Letters & Reviews

                   Letter from Darren Martin

Dear FRED,

If this is appearing on FRED 81 or later then I have missed an
issue of FRED, this being the case there are 5 possibilities:

        1. FRED has liquidated (God forbid)
        2. My sub is out and I've not been reminded
        3. I am having a strange but very boring dream
        4. FRED 80 was lost en route to my house
        5. er, I can't think of a fifth.

Number 4 being the most probable explanation could the kind but
all powerful sires at FRED send me my number 80 (seeing as I
have already paid for it). Should the lost copy turn up in
October 2012 in a soiled and crumpled envelope I will have it
framed as the latest ever copy of FRED!

Sarcasm aside, please accept my latest half-hearted contribution
which I started some time ago and finally got around to
                   Letter from Darren Martin

finishing this summer after leafing through a dog-earred human
anatomy textbook (no, I'm not a pervert).

(Gees, Kiss FM is playing some crap tune... I know, Radio 1.
Ah, thats better...Oasis, Oh God how I hate Oasis!)

Darren.



AC                   Reply to Darren Martin


Hello, Darren.  I'm assuming that Big Wileman reads this and
checks out your sub and so on.  But no, Fred hasn's gone into
liquidation (well, I hope not, otherwise I'm writing this
without reason!).


AC                   Reply to Darren Martin


And yes, Kiss FM is crap, and so are Oasis.  (I don't mind the
one song they've done, but I wish they'd change the tune.)

Anyway, thanks for all your bits - remember people, we need more
and more contributions (I've run out now, and this is everything
we've had since July or something).












CA                      Letter from Ando

Dear Allan,
              You're great and I'm crap and I deserved to be hit
by that book.

Regards,

Colin.


AC                       Reply to Ando

Yes.




   Aaaaand now, ladiz and gentalmin, Daaaaren Martin's Movie
Reviews!  And lovely they are, too!

DM                           Movies

These movie reviews ain't so big this time...too much to do
elsewhere, sorry.

-Addicted to Love (15)
 Directed by Griffen Dune
 Starring Meg Ryan,Matthew Broderick,Kelly Preston,Tcheky Karyo

Cutesy romantic comedy with a gentle twist created by the hint
of insanity in its main characters. Ryan and Broderick play
jilted ex-partners whose exs' have set up home together. Ryan
wants revenge, while Broderick meticulously maps their lives
through an ingenoiusly complex telescope thing to predict the
exact moment when his ex-girlfriend (Preston) will break up with
her new boyfriend (Karyo), Ryans ex, so he can get her back with
a comforting shoulder to cry on. When things don't quite work
out that way he turns over to Ryans point of view: Revenge.
Spanner in the works: Ryan and Broderick start to fall for each
other.

DM                           Movies

Nothing special, some funny moments but in a clever adult style
that gives it its 15 certificate. Ryan instead of the cutesy
character is the tough talking one and it is up to Broderick to
supply the devastated adorable one. Karyo supplies some of the
comedy too as the randy french chef.

Rating : ** (out of five)


-Men In Black (PG)
 Directed by Barry Sonnenfield
 Starring Tommy Lee Jones,Will Smith,Linda Fiorentino

A marketing campaign to match Jurrasic Park and Independence Day
means you've probably all already seen this. Protecting the
Earth from the scum of the Universe goes the tag line and it
delivers the coolness and fun in bucket loads. Smith plays
rookie new recruit to secret government agency MIB, partnered
by weathered Jones. The agency acts like customs on aliens,
DM                           Movies

keeping out the undesirables and finding new identities for the
others who seek refuge on earth. Trouble starts when one nasty
alien starts wreaking havoc to find a hidden "galaxy" on earth.

The pairing between Jones and Smith is superbly slick giving
both characters intense likability. The style although
predominantly wry and funny has dark undertones that give the
film extreme coolness. The special effects have carried over a
comic book style to pay homage to the films origins, but while
still being realistic. Some incredibly nice touches inherent
with a Sonnenfield film are present.
Don't go into this film expecting it to be a typical summer
blockbuster. This film has style and slickness that leaves the
inevitable question...sequel?

Rating: ****


-Grosse Point Blank (15)
DM                           Movies

 Directed by George Armitage
 Starring John Cusack,Minnie Driver,Dan Akroyd

This is good. This is very good. Cusack plays Martin Blank who
after much persuasion by his secretary (played by Cusacks real
sister Joan Cusack), has decided to go to his high school
reunion at Grosse Point, but he also happens to be a
professional killer. Right, title explained.

Going through a bit of an occupational crisis of faith Blank
decides a trip back to his old school and home town will be good
for him. Plus he will have a chance to catch with his high
school sweetheart played by Driver. Oh yeah, he also has a "job"
to do out there. On his trail is rival assasin played by Dan
Akroyd trying to eliminate the competition.

The film mixes dark themes of death with lost love and
reminiscence, and gives it all a gentle stir with romance,
comedy and sarcasm. Cusack,as we know,is a formidabble actor and
DM                           Movies

he seems well at home in such multi-layered film. The interplay
between Cusack and Driver works well and the whole quirkiness of
the script plays well alongside the stylish direction. Dan
Akroyd gives a gusto performance in an altogether unmissable
film.

Rating : *****


-Speed 2: Cruise Control (15)
 Directed by Jan De Bont
 Starring Sandra Bullock,Jason Patric,Willem Dafoe

Was a sequel to a gimic film really such a good idea, especially
with the absence of Keanu Reeves? Well yeah, even though the
freshness of the original could never be repeated and the
premise is a little stretched, the film still works (just). The
lovely Sandra Bullock is promoted to top star reprising her role
as Annie. The beef is replaced by hunky Jason Patric as Alex as
DM                           Movies

Annie's boyfriend. The two take a cruise to the Caribbean where
Alex intends to propose marriage. Of course things don't run
that smoothly, especially when Dafoe turns up as an ex-employee
of the boat firm who installed the comprehensive computer system
that he uses to his own devious needs. With Alex being of the
same LAPD squad as Keanu he steps to the rescue as Dafoe takes
control of the boat, forces an evacuation, and then sets the
boat on an unstoppable collision course with an oil tanker.

Jan De Bont is a trend setter in action flicks and he provides
all the necessary thrills and spills you'd expect. The pace that
was so influential in Speed is never quite present on a boat
doing 60 knots (25-30 mph). But Patric is a competent action
hero and Dafoe gives a nasty turn as the madman. Bullock, who
shone in Speed as a suprise heroine, seems to provide just the
quirky comedy lines here.

Rating : ***

DM                           Movies


Flicks on the horizon:

Event Horizon : The Shining in space they're calling, Sam Neill,
Lawrence Fishburne, Sean Pertwee, Joely Richardson; and it was
made in Britain.

Contact : Indepence Day with an IQ; Jodie Foster in the
adaptation of Carl Sagan's famous novel.

Airforce One : President Harrison Ford is taken hostage on his
own jumbo jet.

Nothing to Lose : Tim Robbins and Martin Lawrence in a comedy
bad guys buddy movie.

Face/Off : Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in a John Woo action
flick.

DM                           Movies

Hercules : Disney piss take of the Greek myth; James Woods and
Danny DeVito supplying voices. Nuff said.

Austin Powers - Internationnal Man of Mystery : Mike Myers,
Elizabeth Hurley in comic twist on 60's style in the 90's.

Very far off flicks: Bond, Godzilla, Superman, The Avengers,
Zorro, The X-files movie (snore).

Jokes

CA                           Jokes

At a recent SAM meeting, Bob Brenchley stood and began his
usual report in a rather strange way.  "If there are any idiots
in this room, will they please stand up," he said.  After a
silence, Colin Macdonald rose to his feet.  "So, why do you
consider yourself an idiot Colin?" Bob asked.  "Well, I don't
actually," said Colin, "I just hate to see you standing up there
all by yourself."

After the meeting, there was a party.  Half way through the
party, a fire started.  Bob tried to make a dash for the exits,
but they were all covered.  "There's only one chance, we'll have
to jump out of the window," said Bob.  "But that's ridiculous,"
shouted Stefan Drissen, "we're on the 13th floor!"  "This is no
time to be superstitious," cried Bob.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
One, if you slice him thin enough.


CA                           Jokes

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
Wonky.

Lawyer to Micky Mouse: You can't divorce Minnie just because
                       she has buck teeth.
Micky Mouse: I didn't say she had buck teeth, I said she was
             f***ing Goofy.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to change it, and three friends to brag to about how
he screwed it.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.                   (Do these get any older?  - Allan)


CA                           Jokes

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but washable"

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
hunger.  What do men dream of?
Being stuck in a lift with the Spice Girls.

Why did God invent lesbians?
So feminists wouldn't breed.

What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers?
Your mum.

What do you call a chicken in a white shell suit?
An egg.

CA                           Jokes

What do you call an Essex girl with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

Macdonald, Anderton and Drissen sat in a pub after the
Gloucester SAM & Spectrum computer show.  The topic comes round
to their borther's names.  "My mum was going to call my brother
Eric, but he was born on St. George's Day, and so they thought,
why not.... and called him George."
Anderton says, "Funny you should say that because my mum called
my brother Andrew because he was born on St. Andrews day."
"My God!" says Drissen, "The exact same thing happened with my
brother, Pancake."

As the policeman helped the bruised and battered Colin up from
the road in front of the pub, he asked, "Can you describe the
man who hit you?"   "Oh yes," said the student, "That's just
what I was doing when he hit me."


CA                           Jokes

Man  : "I'd like to call you.  What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the book."
Man  : "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the book too."

"A bar of soap please."
"Certainly sir, scented or unscented?"
"Thank you, I think I'll just take it with me."

Colin and a girl are in the park.  Colin tries to show off
and says, "I've got five sweets."  So the girl says, "I've got
six".  Colin then boasts, "Well, I've got 8 conkers."  The
girl, unimpressed, says, "I've got 9 conkers."  Colin then
drops his trousers and says, "I bet you haven't got one of
these!"  In response the girl lifts up her skirt and says, "No,
but I've got one of these and so I can get as many of those as I
want!"


CA                           Jokes

Genuine statements taken from insurance forms:

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with the
tree I didn't have."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
vanished."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel
and had an accident."

"The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.  The pedestrian had no idea which way to
run, so I ran over him."

"I backed into my neighbour's parked car.  It wasn't my fault.
He was supposed to be at work."

         (Colin, didn't Jasper Carrot do a load of these on TV?)
CA                           Jokes

A worried father confronts his daughter one evening.  "I don't
like you're new boyfriend.  He's rough, common, and bloody
stupid with it."   "Oh no Daddy," the daughter replied, "Colin's
ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's
cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

A cheese sandwich walked into the bar and ordered a beer.  The
barman gave it a strange look and said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't
serve food."

What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.

Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

How do you get milk from a cat?
Steal it's saucer.

CA                           Jokes

What's blue and white and can't climb trees?
A fridge with a denim jacket on.

"Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup"
"Yes sir, it's fly soup."

What's blue and white and CAN climb trees?
A South American tree-fridge with a denim jacket on.

"Just look at me," declared the robust old timer.  "I don't
smoke, drink, or chase women and tommorrow, I'll celebrate my
80th birthday."  "You will?" replied the student, "How?"

In which month does Colin Macdonald drink less?
February.  (think about it)

Why don't elephants like penguins?
They can't get the wrappers off.

CA                           Jokes

What's the one worse thing than a chauvenist pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

In case of fire do not attempt to use the lifts - try a fire
extinguisher.

Why can't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.

Jesus went to Mount Olive - so Popeye decked him.

Two students were bored.  "What shall we do tonight?"   "Dunno.
Tell you what, we'll toss a coin.  If it's heads we'll go to the
disco, if it's tails we'll go to the pub.  If it lands on it's
edge, we'll do some work."

Engineers are baffled by the fact that girls with the most
streamline shape offer the most resistance.

Chaos

CA                           Chaos

Before I begin, I'd like to check that we've all played Chaos
before.  If not, then you're missing out on what is undoubtedly
the best strategy game in the world.  It's on FRED 63, so go
away and play it for a week.  Then, and only then, will you
begin to appreciate the incredibleness of this article.

The board is setup like this:     +------------------+
                                  !1       2        3!
The contestants in this game are: !                  !
                                  !4                5!
 1: MATT (Colin's housemate)      !                  !
 2: GRAHAM GORING                 !6       7        8!
 3: COLIN ANDERTON                +------------------+
 4: ALLAN CLARKSON
 5: STEPHEN MCGREAL
 6: COLIN MACDONALD
 7: BOB BRENCHLEY
 8: STEFAN DRISSEN
                               Let the games begin......
CA                          Game On

The first round in Chaos is often the most crucial.  It's the
round in which you want to be casting 80-100% chance spells, or
you can really screw yourself up.

Matt casts a Faun, Goring casts an Eagle and then (shock)
Colin's 80% chance Magic Wood fails.  Surely a bad sign.  Now he
can only sit and hope.

A Lion-a-thon build up on the left with Clarkson and Macdonald
each producing the hairy beast.  McGreal fortunately fails to
cast a zombie, so Ando looks pretty safe.

1st movement - Matt moves down.  Then it's Goring's go and he
instantly takes a dislike to the only non-SAM person by killing
him with his eagle.  "F***ing Hell!" says Matt, and walks off.

Excitement doesn't decline in this game, as Macdonald instantly
kills Clarkson with his lion, which on the next round Goring
Magic Bolts to death.  Ando's other 80% chance Magic Wood fails

and he stands like a lemon in the corner.  McGreal takes the
opportunity to cast a lion.  Ando runs away, but he's too slow
for the angry lion, who eats him instantly.

Bugger, both human players are dead.  Erm..., erm, oh whoops,
I've accidentally reset the computer.

NEW GAME!

Everyone restarts in their original positions, and this time
there's a feeling of real anger in the air.  On the very first
rund, Matt fires off a Magic Bolt at Clarkson, who by some
miracle survives the whole ordeal.  "How did he survive that?"
screams Matt.

Ando meanwhile, learning from his Magic Wood problems, opts to
cast a scary crocodile.  McGreal, clearly jealous of such a
beautiful creation, attempts to disbelieve it.  Ha!  Never in a
million years, mate.


Meanwhile, no-one elses spells work.  Brenchley certainly isn't
very good at this game.  A goblin for Matt, a wolf for Goring,
and then.....  Hurrah!  Colin at last casts Magic Wood!
Glorious Magic Wood all over the screen.  Yum yum.  Once again
jealous of Colin's wonderful creation, McGreal casts a Gooey
Blob next to Ando in the hope that it'll eat him.  Meanwhile,
Goring, Clarkson and Macdonald all advance towards Matt's
corner.

Ando advances into his Magic Wood and Drissen cowers in the
corner, still devoid of any spells.  The chaos builds....

Matt casts an eagle and Clarkson gets his Magic Fire out, kindly
casting it frighteningly close to Macdonald.  Colin kills
McGreal's slimey blob and his alligator makes its way towards
the desperate wizard.

Macdonald has a good round, killing off Clarkson's attack with
his hydra and horse.  Goring's wolf survives an attack from
Matt's eagle and then kills it.  He then adds more salt into the

wound by casting an eagle all of his own.

Brenchley takes advantage of the large chaos and successfully
casts a 100% chance Magic Fire.

Ando gets a new spell, but it's not necessarily that good
because Goring's great big new eagle is advancing.

Clarkson attacks Matt with an orc.... and kills him!  The first
death of the game, and it's Matt again.  "WHAT?!?" shouts Matt,
"Clarkson survives a Magic Bolt and I get killed by some little
blue shit with a knife!"

Well, once one death occurs, you know that the next is only just
round the corner.  Anderton's slowly advancing crocodile finally
gets the chance to attack McGreal.  And succeeds.  McGreal is
gator bait.  And Colin cowers in another magic tree.

Meanwhile, things are looking dubious for Macdonald who is now
almost completely surrounded by Clarkson's Magic Fire.  But

wait!  Anderton casts a Green Dragon!  Clarkson, undisturbed by
this, raises a gorilla from dead.

Shock, horror, because Drissen finally casts a spell!  It's a
scary wraith and now he can at last unleash the full terror of
his one-man army on the game...

Macdonald leaps on a horse and Brenchley hides behind his
spanking new Magic Shield.  Ando casts up a wraith with the
intention of putting Drissen out of the game and then suddenly,
Brenchley pulls a trick out of his sleeve and casts a Golden
Dragon.

At last, Macdonald meets his inevitable fate and is consumed by
Clarkson's rapidly growing fire.

Ando gets another spell and is once again forced to run to
another tree.  Ando sends his creatures to get Goring, but in
four attacks only manages to kill Graham's weedy elf.  Also, his
attempt to get Drissen fails as Drissen's wraith makes

mince-meat of Anderton's.  Also, Goring cheekily runs into one
of Anderton's nice magic trees.

All the action is in the top right now, as Goring casts a hydra,
only to have it dark powered by Anderton.  And while we're using
this dark power, Ando decides to use it up on Drissen's wraith.
Stefan is once again spell-less.  The amount of fire on the
board is getting silly now.  Drissen, not happy at having his
wonderful creation killed creates.... dun dun duuun.... a bear!

Anderton, not happy with Goring's presence in his Magic Wood
crocodiles him out and then uses his dragon to burn Goring.
Somehow, Goring survives the mighty fire breath and casts a
giant.

Brenchley, dangerously close to Clarkson's fire casts a bear
even closer to it.  Drissen now appears to finally have got the
idea of the game and conjurs up a vampire.  Oh shit.

A stunning crocodile attack on Goring by Anderton wipes Goring

clean of the face of the board.  "And let that be a lesson to
anyone who dares enter my trees!" shouts Ando triumphantly.

Clarkson remains dull over the left hand side.

Bob rather strangely sends his bear into the middle of Allan's
fire.  Hmm.  In a desperate attempt to, well, not die, Colin
disbelieves Drissen's vampire.  It works!  The board is still a
fire-a-thon and it doesn't help that Bob's gooey blob is
spreading at an alarming rate.

Rather oddly, Allan attacks Bob's zombie with a lion.  Tish,
Allan, don't you know real creatures can't attack undead ones?
You plonker.  Drissen then pisses everyone off by casting even
more Magic Fire.  This is getting silly.

Colin's dragon kills two creatures on this go, but Colin forgets
about his crocodile and zombie who were making their way around
Brenchley's gooey blob (which now covers the middle of the
screen and is nearly cutting off the top).  Clarkson and

Brenchley launch a full-on attack on each other, clashing in the
only way through between Allan's fire and Bob's fire and blob.
Clarkson improves his odds by getting a Magic Bow.  Meanwhile,
Stefan casts a centaur (where has he been hiding all these
spells?).

Bob attempts to disbelieve Ando's dragon, but the spell fails.
Ando has no choice now but to cast a manticore and escape from
Bob's fire.  Clarkson now has an army of the dead attacking Bob,
and Stefan decides to send someone to get Bob too.  Poor Bob.

Allan shoots Colin's zombie dead (even though it's taken half an
hour to get it from one side to the other).  Sigh.  Colin sends
his dragon after Bob, and casts Magic Bow.  It really does seem
to be all against Bob now.

Colin casts an elf.  Things really are getting desperate.  Allan
attempts a second disbelieve on Colin's crocodile, but
surprisingly it fails.  Drissen gets Gooey Blobbed to death!
Hurrah!

The end of each turn takes hours now waiting for all the fire
and gooey blob to spread.  Colin, stuck in a corner now due to
Bob's advancing fire and blob attempts to cast Justify on Bob,
but it fails all three times.  Bob however, manages to "Raise
Dead" a lion.  Now, that's going to be hard to kill.  Colin's
dragon gets stuck next to Bob's bear, and neither manage to make
a successful attack.

Colin brings out an eagle, his final trick.

Then suddenly, Allan's fire spreads onto Bob, burning him to
ashes.  Half the screen disappears.

Allan, clearly having run out of good spells, begins aimlessly
disbelieving stuff, unsuccessfully.  Colin's eagle advances,
only to be shot clear out of the sky by Allan.  Colin uses his
last spell and fires gooey blob next to Allan.  Allan cunningly
uses "Law-2".  Hmm.

But then, on Anderton's gooey blob's first attack, it spreads

onto Allan!  Allan dies and Colin celebrates by making his elf
fire an arrow at him, which he easily survives!


And so the contest finishes.  Anderton is victorious, and
everyone else is dead.  Ha ha ha.  What a great game.

                         HONOURS LIST

                     1st : COLIN ANDERTON
                     2nd : ALLAN CLARKSON
                     3rd : BOB BRENCHLEY
                     4th : STEFAN DRISSEN
                     5th : COLIN MACDONALD
                     6th : GRAHAM HORING
                     7th : STEPHEN MCGREAL
                     8th : MATT DOBBY


       Chaos, by Julian Gollop, is PD and is on FRED 63.