Fred 75

Issue 75

Magazine

CA            Let's Count To Ten First, Shall We?

Hello, my frisky FRED following friends from far-away.  How's
tricks?  I imagine you're all a little peeved after last issue's
FRED.  If you're just a fraction as annoyed as I am about the
gigantic cock-up, then you'll probably be wanting to kill
someone.  Let me explain...

As you'll know, I had a wonderful demo from Martijn Groen and
friends.  It was a bit too big to go on FRED, but undeterred, I
decided to change the layout for an issue.  After finishing the
issue, I made a back-up, made a thorough check and everything
worked fine.  The disc reached Colin Macdonald, and everything
worked fine.  The disc was sent to the duplicators and something
went wrong.  This is why your demo resets after loading and why
the screens load slower than they should.  People who know
technical stuff in the SAM world say it's because the
duplicators copy the discs in a different way, and this affects
the tracks.  Either way, I'm pretty pissed off.  We're still
looking at ways to rectify the situation, so bear with us.  I
think we're all the victims in this.
CA          OneTwoThrFourFiSiSevEightNiTen... Grrrr

Anyway, if we can, let's leave that aside.  Some stupid
duplicators shouldn't get in the way of this next issue.  This
is an issue for celebration.  This is issue 75.  This is the
three-quarter of a century celebration issue!

Issue 75.  Such a big number.  If I'd been doing FRED since day
1, I'd have earnt a whopping £4.50 by now.  That's incredible.
I could afford a new pair of pants.  Imagine that.

This also means I've been editing for a third of that time.
This will be my 25th issue.  That means I've done more than
Brian and nearly as many as Mr. Macdonald.  By issue 79 I'll be
in the lead, which means I'll officially own FRED.  It'll have
to go down to a vote before I can officially spend all FRED's
money, but if you vote for me then I'll send out every issue
free until I run out of money then I'll go to Spain.  You were
all gullible enough to vote me in as editor, so I'm bound to win
this vote.  Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

CA                       CELEBRATIONS!

                                A marvellous achievement....
  I'm very proud... Colin           /            C. Anderton
              \
                   ***********    **********
                             *    *
   Oh alright, you can      *     *          Eh?  Oh yeah.
   use my MOD player..     *      *          Very good.
   Stefan Drissen   \     *       *****      A. Clarkson
                         *             ***    /
                        *                 *
  Please stop ringing  *                   *
 me up or I'll call   *                    *   75 years?  That's
the police....  \    *                    *  - a long time...
Dannii Minogue      *                  ***     Mrs. Brookes
                   *              *****       (stupid woman)

                /                    \
Brian doesn't live here any        Is it?.... Colin's Housemate
more... Brian McConnells mum
CA                    Groan, Cough, Urgh

This degree lark just isn't fair.  They're expecting me to do so
much work.  Work, work, work.  That's all I ever do nowadays.
If anyone out there fancies swapping their comfy management
position job with my degree full of curvilinear coordinates and
bloody continuity theories, then write to the usual address.

And to top it all off, I've been nastily ill over the last few
days.  I've still got a headache and a cold and a sore back and
a runny nose and a cough and I'm run down and stressed and I'm
having woman trouble, family trouble, broken hi-fi trouble and I
can't be bothered to eat.  In fact, the only thing that's
keeping me sane is the battery operated parrot I bought the
other day which repeats everything you say.  A marvellous waste
of money - £10 from Boots.  I bought a parrot and 120 pints of
home brew in Boots.  Not a bad buying spree.




CA               Editor In Manly Hair Shocker

It had to happen.  Tormented by the insults from Stefan Drissen,
sickened by the retouching of screens by Allan Clarkson to make
it look like I'm wearing an ear-ring and wanting to do something
radical to celebrate the 75th issue of FRED, I've gone and got a
proper hair-cut!  It also had something to do with having to get
it cut to get a job, but never mind that.  The woman in the
hairdressers said I looked like the next Brad Pitt.  I told her
that I had to get a hair cut because I'd robbed a bank the day
before (ho ho).

More depressing news now - did you all see the 2000th episode of
Home and Away?  Angel's gone for good.  She's not coming back.
She's buggered off with that stupid Simon ba****d.  I just don't
know what's going on in that program any more.  Angel's gone
away, the old Selina actor is back (yuk) and Chloe went and got
a hair cut amd has gone mad.  Thank goodness we've still got
Shannon, eh?


CA                 Ding Dong Merrily On High

A wave of inspiration and thoughtfulness has just succumbed me.

Normally, if I were to be doing a first rate job of FRED, I'd be
rushing the next issue in an attempt to get it out in time for
Christmas.  Every year I try this, about half of you get the
issue two days before Christmas and everyone else gets it two
days after Christmas.  However, this year, due to circumstances
beyond my control (lecturers piling on the work AND a lack of
contributions) the latest few issues of FRED have been somewhat
late.

Therefore, even though I'll be able to catch up a bit during the
Christmas holidays, there's no way I'll get issue 76 out before
the magical day.  Therefore, in actual fact, this issue is the
Christmas issue!  Yippee.  In fact, I think both issues should
be the Christmas issue seeing as Christmas is without doubt one
of God's best ever inventions and we should all celebrate
accoringly (unless you're a Jehova's Witness - you might want to
skip the next few pages while we enjoy ourselves).
CA               A Friendly And Honest Opinion

Now's the time when you have to run off and get your mum or dad
or wife or whoever buys you presents.  Go on, I'll sort them
out.


Hi there.  My name is Colin and I'm the well respected editor of
your son/husband/friend's favourite disc magazine.  FRED has
been around for over 6 years now and is a superb company with a
reputation that Richard Branson would be proud of.  Now, I
imagine you're at a bit of a loss about what to buy your special
person for Christmas.  You'll probably end up buying them loads
of sweets, won't you?  Well, this needn't be the case.  Look no
further than FRED Publishing.  We have a wonderful and
extensive catalogue of sotftware, and I'm here to suggest some
great presents.

If you're after a peaceful Christmas and Boxing day, then
Momentum is the game to buy them.  This game is huge.  It'll
have them playing for weeks.  And it's a snip at just £12.
CA          Cheques Made Payable To FRED Publishing

Just as good is Football League Manager - voted 2nd best game of
the year last year (falling behing Lemmings from FRED).  If
you're son is a fan of footy, this management sim will keep him
glued to the telly for absolutely ages.  It's only £12 too.

If your son/husband has some mates or brothers, FRED's latest
release, Kaboom! is for them.  It's a SAM version of one of the
most entertaining games ever and can be played by up to five
players at once.  All they have to do to win is kill each other
(in the game, not in real life).  And that's only £10.

And there's dozens more titles you can order.  Just ask them for
the price-list and I'm sure they can reel off plenty of programs
they would want.  I hope I get a cut for this.

As a special Christmas offer.........  well, I don't know what
is hapenning but Colin promises to stick it on the newsletter.
So fork out lots of money this winter, and a Merry Christmas to
you all...
CA               Christmas Festivities Continue

On the 1st day of Christmas, my truelove gave to me...

    A Copy Of TnT
    2 Sophistries
    3 Witching Hours
    4 Kabooms
    5 Mo-men-tuuuuuums
    6 WaterWorks
    7 Wop Gammas
    8 Spectrum Classics
    9 Leaping Lemmings
    10 SAM Visions
    11 Best Of FREDs
    12 Months Subscription

What an amazing Christmas that would be.



CA          Cha Cha Chachacha Chachachacha cha cha!

   Team Name                               Manager        Score
01 The Crashed Crusaders               Allan Clarkson       077
02 "Headless"                          Stefan Drissen       069
03 Frank Broughton Appreciation Soc.   Mark Sturdy          066
04 I'll Cheat If I Start Losing...     Colin Anderton       063
05 Scotland                            Colin Macdonald      059
06 Real Nice World                     Andrew Collier       057
07 What's In A Name?                   A. Francis           055
08 Crikey...My Wig Is On Fire!         Andrew Chandler      053
09 Scorpion Soft Productions Team (?)  Paul Dudley          052
10 Children Of Satan (ahem)            Stephen McGreal      046
11 Blue Foot United                    Stewart Skardon      043
12 Some Dead Good People               Graham Goring        040
13 Death By Electricity                Doug Young           039
14 Crap Games Co.                      Dean Nicholas        037
15 I Still Use My Sam, Honest..        Dave Handley         037
16 Sentai Power Sammers NL             Robert Van Der Veeke 037
17 Team Mango Chutney                  Matt Vowles          037
18 Happy Slug Productions              Tim Paveley          036
CA                            FFL!

19 James Curry's Team Of SAM Wierdos   James Curry          035
20 Har Har Har                         Sylvia               030
21 The Kick Butt Crew <- [Ho ho - CA]  Mark Bennett         029
22 NewZealandStory                     Howard Price         025

      MANAGER OF THE MONTH : STEPHEN MCGREAL - 16 points

A bit of a low scoring month thanks to 'THE BIG ISSUE' but...
Yeah!  The crashed monopoly at the top of the table has been
separated.  Thwarted, if you like.  Sturday claims NO points
this month and so Drissen, with a baby 5, steals second place
and closes in 1 more point on permanent leader, Clarkson.  Ando
does his job by closing in 2 points on the leader and pulls 1
point away from MacD.  McGreal zooms up 8 places thanks to some
nitpicking over my scoring.  Tsk.  Van Der Veeke gets the boost
he needed with a big 15 points lifting him miles from bottom and
leaving poor Price up shit creek without a paddle.  Cracking.
Now we await a date for the next Gloucester show - the time when
the season will end and we will hail our winner.
CM                    Erm, Och Aye The Noo

Hallo there, me wee FRED readers who I so enjoy taking money
off.  I promised a show report and, och, a show report ye can
hae.

Machty jings, whit a car ride.  Braw show too.  Then I went oot
tae the pub.  Aye, whit a braw bricht moonlicht nicht that wiz.
Erm, then I went hame to Bonny Scotland.  Och aye.  And I saw
the Loch Ness Monster.

CA                            Gulp

Erm, thanks Colin.  Good job I finished the issue nice and early
and you could write a show report.  And not, for example, I
finished the issue late and had to blag it myself because you'd
gone on holiday...

Dohhhh....


CA                            News

The big news this month is that Kaboom is now out!  I surely
don't need to describe the game again.  It's Dynablaster /
Super Bomberman on the SAM.  I haven't seen the game yet, but
Colin assures me there's a copy winging it's way to me in the
post and I'm looking forward to seeing this game as much as I
was with Lemmings.  And the best thing about this game is the
price - only £10!  What a bargain.

And if you don't believe me, get this - we've had an Amiga owner
saying he prefers it to Dynablaster!  Well, what do you expect
when you mix the programming genius of Wayne Coles with the high
standards of FRED, eh?  And if it's better than Dynablaster,
then it'll p**s all over Super Bomberman on the SuperNES!

I think we can mark that down as a victory.




CA                            News

The other exciting bit of news is that theres already another
show date lined up for you to note down.  This show will be the
second in Leeds and lets hope everyone from last time is going
to turn up... as well as a whole lot more!

It'll be on Saturday 22nd February, and I imagine the venue will
be the same, but more news on that in the next couple of issues
or so.

I'll be there, unless I break my legs on this parachute jump
I'll be doing soon.  Leeds is a cracking place, and if I didn't
turn up Colin would get in a mood and start hitting people with
his handbag.

So book that date off work because Allan Clarkson, organiser,
says he'll give up his life as a tee-totaller and begin drinking
once again if more than 100 people come through the door.

And besides, his mates got a bad temper and a record for arsen.
CA                            News

This isn't cleared with Colin yet, but FRED will soon be having
a new co-editor.  You might have noticed that this issue is a
teensy bit late.  A month late in fact.  This is because I've
had bucket loads of work thrown on me.  Clearly, this trend is
going to carry on, so to make sure it doesn't, I'm appointing a
co-editor to do all the boring bits and pack out the editorial.
Hell, it might even be funny.

The new co-freditor will be Allan Clarkson, whom you may know
edits Crashed.  Or did.  Allan can't DTP Crashed any more so
he's got lots of time on his hands, and who better than someone
who lives just down the road to help out.  I won't be letting
him plug Crashed (I'll delete all those bits) and he's dead
efficient and stuff.

Maybe I'm flogging a dead horse.  Who knows?

We'll see next month, I guess (cor, I'm excited).

CA                       Disc Contents

FRED is back to it's original layout, at least for this month
anyway, and what a line-up we have for you to celebrate the
THREE QUARTERS OF A CENTURY AND CHRISTmMAS ISSUE ALL ROLLED INTO
ONE issue.

And I'm most excited about the first item.  Not only was it for
sale on its own, but it is possibly the most plugged program
that hasn't been released by FRED.  And it deserves it.  It is
of course, the MOD player by Stefan Drissen!  It'll play any MOD
off any issue of FRED (bar those without mods on) as well as all
of them you convert.  And you can just stick in a 720K formatted
PC disc too - it'll recognise it without any need to convert
over to the SAM.  Not only that, but Stefan 'sarcasm man'
Drissen implemented a clear sreen option so that if you've got a
rubbish TV like mine that crackles constantly, you can clear the
screen and hear the mod without any interference!  Yippee!  Just
press C at any time to do that.

What a gem.  Cheers, Stefan.
CA                       Disc Contents

Next up, we have a delicious game by Warren Lee.  It's a target
game with some amazing touches to it.  You start off by having
to shoot 50 targets and then progress into the mean metropolis
containing the unforgiving criminal life.  Mouse or keys can
control this and listen to them sound effects too.  Thanks
Warren.

Repel is a batz and balls game with a difference - there's no
blocks and there's four bats.  See if you can co-ordinate in two
directions all at once!  A fine idea from ----------------.
Thanks.

Then we have a very useful utility for those serious SAM users
out there.  It's a masker for sampaint and basic, and although
I've made it sound quite crap, it really does look extremely
slim-line and efficient.  It's from David Brant and thankfully
has instructions so I don't dig myself any deeper!  Excellent
utility - thanks David.

CA                       Disc Contents

We have an addictive little SAM C game next called Chase.  If
anyone ever owned an Electron they may well remember this game.
You have to race aroudn the track, changing lanes so as to avoid
the enemy.  It's a game of skill and judgement, and in my case,
sheer fluke.  If anyone can beat level 2 race 4, then tell me.
Thanks extend out to Bradford and Mr. G. Morris for this game.

I've also squeezed in another game called Slider from him.  You
all know the game, and it's as good as we've seen yet.

And finally we have a rather handy Speccy Game loader from Peter
Vinnicombe.  It loads SNP files.  Thanks, Peter.

And we also have a favourable splattering of e-tunes to get us
in the Christmas mood from Bobby Brunsden.

As well as screens, FFL!, adverts and all manner of hidden
stuff.

CA                          Thanks

AGED AND CLOSE TO HEART ATTACK - COLIN 'Dorothy' MACDONALD
YOUNG, AND LOOKING FOR SUCCESS - COLIN 'Glub Glub' ANDERTON

And those people who don't adhere to 48 hour working weeks are:

Bob Brunsden
Warren Lee
Stefan Drissen               FRED PUBLISHING,
J. Smith                     [redacted]
Stewart Skardon
Chrish Ash
Alec Carswell
Peter Vinnicombe
David Brant
Robert Brady            Ring this number at 3:00am
                             [redacted]

Letters & Reviews

                      Letter From J Smith

Dear Colin,

Thanks for the copy of "MOMENTUM".  A very polished and playable
product.

May I ask a question that your readers could help me with?  I
have dabbled with GAMESMASTER for a while now, and have just
started to mess-around with the Phantom Zone.  GamesMaster bods
should know what I'm talking about.

My problem is, that I can't PLACE a sprite in the Zone, on the
X-axis.

Unless I am mistaken, co-ordinates 0-127 are on screen, and
128-255 are off.  The manual says that DELAYED WRAP should be
set to "YES", and placing sprites in the Phantom Zone should
just be a matter of their X co-ordinate being between 127-255.


                      Letter From J. Smith

But, when I use the following instruction:
PLACE 1,150,100,1
The Sprite seems to wrap around immediately, and place itself in
the visible screen.  After this, however, the Phantom Zone works
perfectly.  A sprite leaving the left side of the screen will
take a couple of seconds before re-appearing on the right.

I have examined the DEMO1 file that ccompanies the disk, where
an example of this is shown to work.  An aeroplane is placed
off-screen, and after a few seconds it comes jetting in from the
right!

For the life of me, I can't see what I am doing wrong.

........................H.E.L.P

Yours faithfully,

J. Smith
CA                     Reply To J. Smith

Thanks for the letter, Mr. Smith.  My GamesMaster skill is only
very basic, so I can't help you, but I'm sure there's someone
out there with the wizardry to answer your question.

Incidentally, I wonder if anyone can answer my problem.  I'm not
sure if my SAM is knackered or if it's a design thing but can I
ask you all to try something later.

When using Outwrite (I don't know if this happens in BASIC or
not), if I type A then C holding down the shift key to keep
capitals, the C comes out as an F.  Similarly AV comes out as AG
and AX as AD and AZ as AS.  This happens is I type quickly so
that the A key isn't released when I type the next letter.
Every other letter can be typed in this way and will return the
correct letter.  Is it a design fault or is it my SAM.

I thought I was going mad when I read through the letter I'd
just typed out and all the PLACE words said PLAFE.

                    Letter From Warren Lee

To FRED,

    Please find enclosed a disk with a game and a couple of
screens.  Out of interest, I was wondering what happened over
the last game I sent in. Was it too big? What did you think?

And, if you publish this letter, does anyone know how to stop
the problem of sprites going haywire on Gamesmaster when using
key(n) immediately after a TRANSFORM?

Also, is there any way of increasing the number of animation
sequences available beyond 32?

I have been working on a 2 player beat-em-up on Games-Master
that should work perfectly apart from these two problems.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

W.D.Lee
CA                    Reply To Warren Lee

Thanks for the contributions, Warren.

The last game you sent, Invasion II, is absolutely amazing.  I
honestly love it.  It's got some great touches.  The problem is
that it takes up over half a disk, which isn't too useful for
FRED!  If you could send a version without the intros or
completion sewuences, we could do something like put that on
FRED and maybe tell people they can get the full version from
you for either a quid or a SAE and a disk or something.  Get in
touch about it, it's a really good game.

More GamesMaster problems, eh?  We'll have to get that Matt
Round fella to write in at this rate.






SS                 Letter from Stewart Skardon

Well, well Colin,
Shame on you, trying to start a slagging match between us.
How could you. I mean, come on, do either of us have even the
slightest resemblance to any (ex)member's of the Crashed team?

I don't think so, do you.

Any way, the whole reason that I wrote was just to check which
song you were talking about me liking.

I do hope it was the Smurf's one. Oooh I do love that. I mean,
come on, look at that Spice Girls one, talk about childish.
That's the kind of thing that little 7 year old's are playing
musical chairs to.

Cor, what about that Smurfette. Talk about sexy! Those big blue
knockers, and that 'super waif' pose that she does.

Oooh! It makes me go weak at the knees just thinking about her!
SS                  Wholesome family stuff.

Smurfette is just the ultimate babe. And then of course, who
could forget Papa Smurf for all the girlies out there.

My sister for example, get's soooo excited by his white fluffy
beard, she becomes uncontrollable now at just the sight of him.

What is the world coming to. Everyone lusting over those huge
sex objects The Smurf's.

Ok, I think the Smurf crap has gone a bit too far.
So, anyway what's all this about, that you may not have the
time to do the editorial for FRED then? You lazy toerag you.

Nevermind, how about letting me do an editorial then? Huh!
Oh go on, I'll behave myself, honest. Cross my heart.
We'll see what happens. Who knows, I may get an issue out in
time. (Big dig at Colin's time keeping.)


SS                 Talking about that

Whilst we're on the subject of time keeping, how is yours?

I do expect to receive issue 74 BEFORE the Gloucester show, but
then again, I won't get everyone's hopes up.

Never mind. I suppose it might look to you as if I started to
write this when I got issue 73, but of course, I wouldn't start
to write something back in September (sorry, early october. I
forgot the 'time delay') and then forget to finish it.

No sir! I finish EVERYTHING as soon as I start it. No time
wasting here. Honest, apart from the fact that I've been ill
with my second ear and throat infection in the space of 5
months, I am running perfectly on time. My watch just stopped
for a few weeks.

Best let you go and get on with January's issue dated November
hadn't I!

SS         Ooooooooh Sod it! I'm out of titles

Anyway, I expect I've got you all excited now, and just you
wait until Gloucester, when I shall be bringing my Remix Mod of
The Fugees, Killing me softly. Hah! You'll just love it.

(Perhaps!)

           Anyway, bugger off now, and do some work

                       Gargamel

                        AKA /tewart
                            \
                            /kardon






CA                 Reply To Stewart Skardon

Who's a cheeky little bleeder, eh?  Firstly you start moaning
about my time-keeping and how you could do a better job, and
then I notice you've got the cheek to put your own initials in
the top-left of your letters pages!  Tsk, how rude.

I was probably talking about the Spice Girls song, actually.
Everyone round here reckons it's dead good, but then again,
they're all stupid.

Speaking of which, the Fugees are even more annoying.  Not only
do I hate them, but they can't perform live and they've ruined a
wonderful Bob Marley song.  So that Fugees Mod may not be as
welcome as you'd have hoped....

And any more digs about time keeping, Mr. Skardon, and I'll
double the price of issues of FRED.



                     Letter From Chris Ash

Dear Colin,

Please find enclosed a disk with what will hopefully be the
first of many contributions.

I was one of the very first people to get a SAM back in 1990,
but after the demise of MGT then prompty afterwards SAM
COMPUTERS I banished my SAM to the murky depths of my attic and
bought a 286PC.  After a couple of years of being a smug PC
owner and numerous expensive upgrades etc an envelope was pushed
through my door containing a disk.  To my surprise it was an
issue of FRED, The SAM is not dead I thought and hurridly ran
upstairs, blew the dust off good old SAM and booted up the disk.

Anyway the rest is history. Since then I have been converting
MODS and BMP's from my PC to SAM with great success. On this
disk you will find some screens ripped from a CD-ROM of ghosts,
plus a rather big but excellent MOD named MAKEMOVE.

                     Letter From Chris Ash

Just before I depart I would like to ask a few questions. Is the
SAM hard drive a standard IDE disk and is the kit available
without the drive.

Keep up the good work.

Chris Ash












CA                    Reply To Chris Ash

Welcome back, Chris!  Great to see that we're pulling people
away from the PC and onto the SAM.  Especially when those people
have the same initials as me.  Hurrah!

Thanks for the screens too.  Every little thing comes in handy,
and those screens will no doubt make a glorious section in the
next couple of months.

The SAM hard drive is, I believe, a standard IDE drive and you
can indeed purchase stuff separately.  Just give Colin Macdonald
a ring on 01382-535963 and he'll either sell you one on the spot
or put you in touch with someone who can help.







                   Letter From Alec Carswell

To C.A.,

    Through the post you will soon receive a new disk magazine
for the SAM COUPE/ELITE and I personally believe that, with
enough contributions, it could be just as good as FRED.  I hope
you don't think this is a bad thing because it's great for
magazines to have healthy competition and I hope that we can
compete and happily co-exist with each other.  I certainly don't
want to tread on anyone's toes and I hope that you'll be able to
inspire some of your readers to contribute articles or programs
to the magazine.

As you will see, most of the text is typed in by myself and it
takes up a lot of my time [Tell me about it! - CA]

You said that you review everything 100% fairly and I trust that
you will find 'X' to be a great little (!) diskzine that has a
lot going for it.  We don't have many readers and I hope you
take note of the sheer effort I try to put into 'X'.
                   Letter From Alec Carswell

This is really the magazine's only real chance to try and get
itself noticed and I hope that the magazine is good value for
money (but that is for you to judge).

Our main aim in the SAM SCENE is to get SAM recognised as an
affordable home computer system that can be used in various ways
and in many different areas of the world.  Mainly though, we
want the magazine and the SAM COUPE to help educate others.

Well, that's all for now.

              Kind Regards,

                   Alec Carswell

P.S.  'X' costs £2.  PO's and cheques should be made payable to
Alec Carswell.


CA                   Reply To Alec Carswell

Thanks for the letter, Alec.

Although I personally would like to see the whole SAM community
supporting the one disc magazine, FRED, I'll gladly pass on the
message of your magazine.

A word of warning - FRED finds it hard to keep up with
contributions at the moment, so you may have to put in a lot of
work yourself.  But good luck anyway, and keep us informed.

Alec's address is: [redacted]

What is it with Scottish people and SAM disc mags, eh?  This is
at least the 4th one from Scotland!





SS                   Review of Ice Chicken

Ice Chicken huh! Well, I'm afraid the title doesn't sound
particularly amazing. Not the kind that makes you think 'Oooh,
that sound's good. Must dash out and buy it'.

However, don't forget that names can be very deceptive. All in
all Ice Chicken is a pretty good game. Okay, so maybe the
concept of the game is just Pacman without pills to collect, and
a chicken being the main character, but there is still a slight
hint of difference.

The basic idea of the game is to 'squish' (ooooo, I do like
that) the blue blob-type creatures with blocks of ice. Well at
least we've established where the game get's it's rather
"different" name from.

However, there are also some special blocks of ice, and in
order to complete each level of the game, you have to get all of
these special blocks in a row. Then, and only then can you
proceed to the next level.
SS                     The plot thickens

Where was I before being so rudely interrupted by the end of
the page. Oh yes!

As well as special blocks, there are also some bonuses (A la
Pacman), which just happen to be (wait for it)......

              ***** ****  *   * ***** *****
              *     *   * *   *   *     *
              ****  ****  *   *   *     *
              *     *   * ***** *****   *

Not too similar to Pacman then. Anyway, this is a strange kind
of fruit, personally I'd take it back to the grocers, 'cause
if you flatten it with a block, it seems to 'regenerate', and
change it's entire identity.

Too be quite honest, there is something a bit sus' about a few
of the things in this game.

SS                     Here comes trouble

Things do actually have a remarkable resemblance to none other
than The Bulgulators, by our dear FRED Publishing.

The graphics are the same size as the above mentioned, and
the game screen roughly resembles a maze, although you can
actually destroy blocks. Apart from that, it looks like the
authors have just simply made a few changes to the code for the
Bulgulators, although I suppose that this is allowed being that
ESI wrote them both. (That's done it, I'm in trouble now. Colin
M will be on the war path now!)

Well, having dropped ESI in the deep and smelly, I will also
point out that although the game is a bit of a cop out in the
plot area, the added 'being able to destroy blocks' side of
things does give the game a whole new challenge, and it doesn't
half keep you playing.

Apart from it's lack of originality, it's pretty good.

SS              "Good game, Good game" - Brucie

It would have been nice to have a lemmings style password system
so that you don't have to keep doing that bloody level that took
you five attempts in the first place.

And, I suppose it could have done with being disguised a bit
better, rather than making it blatently obvious that Ice Chicken
is actually The Bulgulators with a few extra bit's of code here
and there.

So I suppose you want a score. Argh! People these days, they
want everything done for them.

Graphics    :  40% - Could be better.
Sound       :  64% - For the music, and the few sound effects.
Playability :  76% - I must admit, it does get addictive.

Overall     :  60% - Not stunning but good enough.

Star Trek: The Useless Ones (Ctd.)

Captain Colin Macdonald turned round, to see the thing that was
making the crashing noise. It couldn't be an intruder. Security
was so good. Hmm. What was it? He looked around the room, and
found that his chair was no longer in the place it was the last
time that he looked. Not that he looked very often to check
where his chair was, of course, just when he wanted to sit down
in it, just to be sure that no-one has removed it. He had that
happen to him once, back at Starfleet Academy, except it wasn't
just the usual pull the chair away, it was a beam the chair away
to the next room. It never occurred to him that a Captain might
not be a victim of these types of 'jokes'. He knew what the
noise was now. It was, in fact, his chair collapsing under the
weight of his cat. Hmmm. He had got so freaked out by that, yet
it was a cat who won the 2365 Garfield look-alike competition.

"Computer, what has my cat been eating?", he asked.

"White's Waffles," replied the computer, promptly.

"Hmmm," said Macdonald.

A thought occurred to Macdonald. If his chair wasn't were it was
when he last checked, what was he sitting on? He checked.

Due to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, there might have been
a chair there, and so he might have been sitting on it, and
because his body thought there might be something below it, it
decided not to fall. As soon as the result of several million
quantum events were decided, the universe resolved itself, and
there was definitely not a chair below him. He fell, and landed
next to his cat. He got up quickly, and tapped his com badge.
"White, my chair's broken, I want a repair team on it now ."

"Aye, sir," said White.

Attoseconds later, a repair team came bursting through the door,
and went into action on Macdonald's chair.

Ensign Femto Pico, the leader of the repair team, picked it up,
put it in the bin, and ordered a new one using the ship's
computer. It replicated itself in a cargo bay, and then beamed
itself to the correct place. Pico said "All done, sir. If you'd
like to test it?"

He sat down on it. It was fine. He span around on it several
times. It was still fine. He span around 4 Pi radians without
touching the floor once. As he was reaching 5 Pi, he fell off,
and went flying at such a speed that he had quite a short
wavelength. Or at least, he would appear to have had one had
someone observed the interference patterns caused by two
synchronised point sources of him. And there had been no outside
interference causing him to decide where he was. Or something.
[If you thought that a funny joke about wave/particle duality
was impossible then I've just proved you right :-) ]

He banged into where the door was just after it opened. He sped
through the bridge, and splatted across the viewscreen. He got
up, walked back into his ready room, trying hard to ignore
stares from bridge crew, and shook Femto's hand and said
"Excellent job, Mr Pico. Dismissed."

Pico went into the Bridge and straight into the nearest
turbolift. Little did Macdonald know that Pico was not who he
seemed, and that he had planted a bomb in the chair.

At the heart of all replicators and transporters is a Finite
Improbability Drive. It can make improbable events happen. (like
a teleport, for example.) Some may say that this is just
coincidence, but others say, who cares - it seems to work. Some
people know that the FID can be used for other purposes, more
nasty purposes, such as rearranging someone inside out, or
turning a planet into Strawberry Ice-cream. The FID works by
creating a modulated probability wave - it analyses the desired
event by Fourier analysis, and creates a modulated wave ready
for aiming through a Probability Enhancer. The FID that was on
Macdonald's chair had been calibrated to turn the ceiling into
maple syrup. It was set to go off in 5 minutes time.

Four minutes later, Macdonald left his Ready Room (or Office as
sensible people might say), and entered the Bridge. He sat down
in the command chair, not noticing that Commander Anderton was
there already. He got up almost immediately, and Anderton
shuffled over to the First Officers Chair. Macdonald sat back in
his own chair.

"Sorry, Colin, didn't notice you there," he said.

"Captain, Ensign Mitnivik has been reported missing. He was in
the port warp nacelle when he was last seen," reported Anderton.

"Really? Hmmm. Scan the ship."

"We have, sir. We can't find him anywhere."

"Strange. Have the ship searched."

A day later...

"We found Mitnivik, sir. He was hidden inside a storage crate in
the port nacelle."

"Any idea why he was there?"

"No sir. He reports being put there by six people. He's in
sickbay at the moment. Drissen says that despite a severe head
injury, he will live."

Two minutes later, they received a hail from Wop Gamma, from a
guy calling himself Atto.

"Put him on screen," ordered Macdonald.

Cookie was watching Statues of Ice on the viewscreen, the new
megademo that had just been released that minute. Annoyed by the
disruption, he chucked an Ensign doing research work off Science
II and continued watching Statues of Ice.

"I, Atto Wop, the Prime Minister of Wop Gamma, and Chairman of
the Free Skardon Front demand that all charges against
Lieutenant Stewart Skardon are dropped. If you do not comply,
then we will be forced to destroy all your hamsters. Wop Out."

"Damn!" said Macdonald. "Emotional blackmail. We can't let all
those cute little hamsters die. We must destroy the Woppens."

"I agree," said Anderton. "Meanwhile, we should fake the
appearance of Skardon being released."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. How?"

"I don't know. Do a hologram trick, or something."

"Good idea. Get on it right away."

"Cookie, do that hologram trick you showed me earlier."

"Yes, sir." Cooke pressed a button on the computer.

"Well done, Anderton, I see you've done a lot of preplanning in
that area," complimented Macdonald.

"Thank you, sir."

"Set course for Wop Gamma. Engage at Warp 9."

Several days later, the Woppen fleet engaged the Grapefruit.
They were too stupid to realise that they should stop fighting
now Skardon had been released.

"Primary shield hull containment breach failure," said Round.

"Return fire," ordered Anderton.

Lances of pure energy leapt out of the Grapefruit and hit and
destroyed several Woppen starships at once. But it was not
enough. Thousands upon thousands of Woppen ships came towards
the Grapefruit at once, and started firing their deadly energy
beams.

"Sir, I suggest we move away from the area," suggested Cookie.

"They are bound to hit us sooner or later, and then we'll be
dead."

"Good idea," agreed Macdonald. "Conn, scarper at half impulse."

"Hail 'em Mr. Round," said Anderton.

"Aye, sir. On screen."

"I am Commander Colin Anderton of the Federation Starship
Grapefruit. Skardon has been released. You do not need to fight
us any more."

"Really?"

"Yes, really," pleaded Anderton.

"I don't believe you. Terminate communic-", said the Woppen
Prime Minister.

"Set course for Starbase 481 at warp 11," ordered Macdonald.

"I hate to say this, sir, but it is impossible to go at warp 11.
Warp 10 is infinite speed," replied Sulu.

"I know that, Mr Sulu. I want to be there last week."

"Well, I'm sorry sir, but it would need more than infinite
power, and besides which, we'd only be there by Monday anyway,"
replied Sulu.

"That seems reasonable to me. Engage at warp 9 then," said
Macdonald.

"Sir, I respectfully suggest that you are a chicken," pointed
out Anderton.

"Chicken? Me. Never! Sulu, warp 9.9 back to the battlesite.
Ready all weapons!!!!!! Fire!!!" countered Macdonald. The Woppen
fleet engaged the Grapefruit again. Several of their ships were
destroyed in a few seconds, and then a few more, and a few more,
with Captain Macdonald cheering every time a phaser or torpedo
destroyed a Woppen ship. A few minutes later, there was one
Woppen ship left. A minute later, it was still there.

"What's the problem, Round?" barked Macdonald. "Why hasn't it
been destroyed yet?"

"We have a minor technical problem, sir. Not much of a problem,
really, but we can't shoot at them any more," replied Round.

"Whyever is that?" snapped the Captain.

"We've run out of fuel. There is no more Deuterium in the entire
ship. It's all gone," replied Round.

"Where?"

"We used it all."

"Damn! Can't you get some people hand-generating power. Get some
horses or something?"

"Not really, although... Sir, the Woppen ship is firing."

"What, again?," said Cookie. "Oh dear, how terrible. Let's just
hope they don't hit us (?)," he sniggered.

By a pure coincidence, the Woppens did manage to, for a brief
nanosecond, aim their energy beam thingy in the right direction.
It hit the Grapefruit, and hurt a lot of people who had the
misfortune to be using rock climbing programs on the holodeck at
the time. The Grapefruit was forced out of orbit of Wop Gamma 2,
Wop Gamma's second moon, and began spiralling down to the
surface. The Woppen ship continued firing at the Grapefruit, but
they were unlikely to hit twice in one day.

"Captain, we have a problem," said Sulu.

"What is it now?"

"We are on a collision course with the planet, sir."

"Well set course away from it then and engage at warp 9.999."

"Sorry, sir, we ran out of fuel remember."

"Oh, shit!!. All hands to the escape pods. But before we escape,
we *have* to destroy the Woppen ship."

"I have a suggestion sir. Hand phasers."

"You what?"

"We still have plenty of energy left in hand phasers. And we
have more than enough emergency rations to burn to power the
transporters."

"Do it, then."

The hand phasers were beamed away from the Grapefruit,
remarkably quickly. They had even thought to point them in the
right direction. They fired at the Woppen ship, and destroyed it
quickly.

However, the Grapefruit was still on a collision course for Wop
Gamma 2. What could they do? Nothing. They abandoned ship.

Some of the escape pods stayed in orbit of Wop Gamma 2, and were
picked up by the USS Enterprise a few days later. The rest
crashed on the surface of the moon. The survivors included
Captain Macdonald, Commander Anderton, Commander Cooke, and
Commander White. Most of the rest of the command -crew were
rescued from orbit. Due to electromagnetic interference, the
Enterprise assumed that the lifeboats all perished on orbital
entry.

The years passed....

"FBC News, 46998.5. We are able to report that the Borg have
begun their invasion. Starfleet Headquarters today issued this
statement - "

"On Stardate 46996.5, a Borg ship, unlike any that we have
encountered before, attacked a Federation colony. Starfleet
ships were quick to respond, but the Borg left no survivors. We
are currently attempting to track the Borg ship's movements..."

"There has been a coup d'etat on Bajor. The Circle, or the
Alliance for Global Unity, yesterday took control of the planet,
and then demanded that Starfleet withdraw from Deep Space Nine,
the space station near the Gamma quadrant wormhole. Whilst no
formal response has been given, three packed runabouts were seen
leaving from DS9 hours ago..."

"Welcome to FBC News. Today is 47294.5. The Federation Council
today banned all warp traffic above Warp 5, except in an
emergency, for all vessels that have not been issued with a
HighWarpFactor-licence. The HWF-licence will be given to those
vessels with new propulsion systems that do not damage subspace,
like the new Intrepid class ships like the Intrepid and the
Policy. Most private vessels will need extensive modifications
to the Warp Nacelles to meet the new regulations. More from our
science correspondent..."

"Although at first we welcomed the Gamma Quadrant, a growing
threat, the Dominion, has been noticed this year. Although at
first they seemed benevolent, their soldiers, the Jem'Hadar have
kidnapped three civilians and a Starfleet officer doing a
science survey of an uninhabited planet earlier today. Starfleet
has dispatched the USS Odyssey to assist the crew of Deep Space
Nine in a rescue mission..."


"Starfleet denied today that they had a new secret Stealth sta
rship. Believed to have been designed to destroy the Borg, it
has been claimed to have been seen near Bajoran space..."

"The USS Voyager, the new Intrepid class vessel has gone missing
in the Badlands on a classified mission, believed to involve a
Maquis ship crewed by former Starfleet people..."

"Here, on FBC News, on Thursday 48663.4, we are able to report
that Captain James T. Kirk has died. The accident in 2395 where
he was reported dead, actually led to his temporal and spatial
displacement onto Veridia 3, where he assisted Enterprise
personnel in the defeat of Soran, a mad bloke. The Enterprise
was destroyed in the incident, and although there have been no
reported casualties, our sources tell us that the Klingon
sisters of the house of Duras, Lursa and Betor were involved in
the incident and have died."

"An attempt to destroy the Dominion by the Romulan and
Cardassian Empires failed today, with the loss of tens of ships
and thousands of lives. The ships were attempting to destroy the
Founder's homeworld, but found that they had been set up, by a
Changeling infiltrator in the Tal Shiar. The Obsidian Order, the
Cardassian Secret Service, has now fallen, and the militarys
ruthless grip on the civilian population of Cardassia is likely
to loosen..."

"The Klingon Empire today invaded the Cardassian one, due to
heightened paranoia about the threat that Changelings pose to
Alpha quadrant powers. Fortunately, the invasion was stopped by
the UFP before Cardassia was totally overrun, but what advances
that Klingons made were not surrendered. In aiding Cardassia,
the UFP has also made the Klingons rather upset, and they have
withdrawn from the Khitomer Alliance, and broken off diplomatic
relations..."

"Information that Gowron, the Klingon Chancellor, has been
captured sometime in the last year, and replaced by a Changeling
has been leaked from Starfleet Command. The Klingon Empire has
declined to comment on the matter, which embarrasses them after
launching an attack on Cardassia based on fears that the
Cardassian government had been infiltrated by Changelings
earlier this year..."

Earth was saved this morning by the USS-Enterprise NCC-1701-E,
on it's inaugural mission. The ship, the first Sovereign-class
one, defeated a Borg plan to subvert Earth history by killing
Zefram, the inventor of warp drive. More details on that story
when we have it..."

"A full-scale invasion of Federation space by the Dominion
started today, Stardate 53993.5. Deep Space Nine fell within ten
minutes, and Bajor fell five minutes after that. The USS
Enterprise has been dispatched to the scene. This ship,
commissioned by Starfleet in the early seventies, has enough
firing capacity to destroy several M-class planets within
minutes..."

"Stardate 54059.5. The USS Enterprise successful ly destroyed
Bajor Dominion Orbital Station in an attempt to thrust the
Dominion from the Alpha quadrant. Most of the inhabitants of
Bajor have been evacuated, in case the Dominion retaliate..."

"Stardate 55995.2. The USS Voyager re-appeared from the Delta
Quadrant this afternoon, in the middle of the Dominion's supply
lines. They were able to take advantage of the situation and
destroy the wormhole. The few Dominion forces remaining in the
Alpha Quadrant were destroyed quickly..."

"Stardate 61494.5. Cliff Richard has announced his intention to
retire before the end of the decade. The singer, kept alive by a
life support machine for three hundred and eighty five years,
since he was shot in 1999..."

"The Klingon Empire has taken over the Romulan one, in a bizarre
twisting of events twenty years ago, when the Romulan Empire
attempted to incite a Klingon civil war. The Klingons managed to
manipulate the Romulan dissident movement to revolution, and
took over and imposed martial law in the power vacuum. The
Klingons say that the Federation will be next, but the
Federation Council, recently allied to the Borg and the Kazon,
believe that the Klingons will not get their way. The
CardoBajoran Alliance declined to comment." Colin Macdonald
surveyed the land, and started his first log recording in ten
years.

"Captain's tain's Log. Stardate 86493.4. Forty years ago today
we crashed. It is 2409 now, and I am the only survivor. I have
lost hope of being rescued. In case anyone hears this ever, be
very careful and do not approach the plant which you will find
the bodies of my colleagues by. It killed them...."

                     WHAT DID THE PLANT DO?
               WILL CAPTAIN MACDONALD BE RESCUED?
                  HAS SKARDON BEEN FREED YET?
  WHY DID I KILL OF MOST OF THE GRAPEFRUIT'S SENIOR OFFICERS?


  Find out next month in the next part of The Useless Ones....