Description
Issue 54
| Item | Author | Description |
|---|---|---|
| Menu | Lee Willis Graham Goring | |
| Magazine | News Of Sam C, Brian Says Hi | |
| Letters | Price Changes, Sambus, Old Codger! | |
| Fortress | Tim Paveley | Bomb The Other Player's Castle |
| Solitaire | Bob Brunsden | The Ball Game, Not The Card Game |
| Stevie T | Search: “Steve Taylor ” | Useful Utilities From Steve Taylor |
| Tnt Demo | Matt Round | Demo Of The Highly Acclaimed Game |
| Anonimity | Graham Goring | The Continued Adventures... |
| E-Tunes | Peter Moore | Music Written On E-Tracker |
| Mods | Graham Goring Martin O'Connell | Converted Amiga Modules |
| Lcp? | David Handley | Graphical Demo/Game, Similar To Little Computer People |
| Rachel 3+4 | Andrew Hodgkinson | The Comedy Continues... |
| Random Numbers | Darren Martin | Generates Truely Random Numbers |
| Pretty | Darren Martin | Makes A Little Pattern (Aah!) |
| Shoot-Em-Up | James R Curry | Simple, But Well-Written Shoot-Em-Up |
Magazine
CA OH DEARY, DEARY ME
Exam leave - don't you just love it. The feeling you get when
you know you've got an exam the next day which you haven't
revised for, but you really can't force yourself to revise. Not
forgetting the deeply guilty feeling when you're playing on your
computer (or writing editorials) instead of revising. Oh, joy.
Well, what has happened since my last appearance? No tellings
off from CM this month unfortunately, so that cuts off one topic
of conversation. You'll all be pleased to know that I've got a
new battery for my watch - only 5 weeks after the last one ran
out. Cheers, Dad. Speaking of Dad, you won't be interested to
know that I spent last weekend at my Dad's house and put on lots
of weight eating curries and drinking, erm, liquids. Not to
mention watching England's triumphant win over Ireland in the
rugby. Let's hope they thrash Scotland when they play them as
well. That should warrant a phone call to Colin Macdonald.
Actually while I'm talking about my Dad, I think I should
embarrass him. HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY DAD! (Feb. 9th)
CA Editorial (Hey, a sensible title!)
Editing FRED is constantly using more and more thought power, as
any ideas I had to tell you all are rapidly running out. The
other day, I decided to find out how Brian managed to complete
30+ page editorials every month for about two years. Much to my
shock, it turns out that he only had to think up some stuff to
write for a maximum of 5 pages, and the rest of the readership
would write articles for him. The rest was obviously filled up
with news and disc contents, but these were the same size as
mine. As soon as Colin finishes all the hard work he's doing
(the poor duckey has been at university from 8:00 am to 10:00 pm
for five days a week for the past few weeks), I'm going to clamp
down on his lack of contributions. To be fair though, he is
working hard. I rang him the other night and he sounded
dreadful. Snigger.
And as for the rest of you, if you have any ideas for an
article, whether it's SAM related or not, get it in the post.
You can't expect me to write twenty pages of humour - you'd fall
asleep anyway. I look forward to the masses of articles...
CA TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK...
Still waiting....
CA CO-INCIDENCES LIKE THIS SCARE ME
No sooner have I typed in a page of moaning, I receive (as if by
magic) an article! Darren Martin must be psychic - he can't
have read that. I think I feel a fainting session coming on.
Anyway, thanks to Darren Martin for it, and you fans of book
reading will find a review of Terry Pratchett and Stephen
Brigg's excellent book, 'The Discworld Companion' after the
credits.
Well, it's Winter. Thankfully near the end, but where has it
been? Not once have I looked out of my window only to see an
old man slip over. Nor have I seen a dog bowing its head in
shame because its owners have made it wear a coat. Where I live
we've only had 10 minutes of snow. What's happening. Am I
never going to be able to throw a snowball at the neighbours'
dogs ever again? Alas, it seems not. But who cares. It's too
damn cold when it snows anyway. Roll on Summer, that's what I
say. By July, I'll have finished with school for good, it'll be
warm, and I'll think of a decent topic of conversation for these
pages. Brrr, it's freezing.
CA SNIFF... ACHOO!
Yes, I'm back. After two days of being horribly ill, and a day
of being forced to walk up hills on a visit to Exeter
university, I'm putting on a brave face, and finishing FRED off
in time for Monday the 6th. Heck, if it's a choice of taking
the sort of rest that someone in my position should or being
loyal to you readers, I'd do my duty every time. If you wish to
reward this hard work, I'll arrange a contribution hat.
I had another massive heart attack this afternoon when a man
came to my door and told me he'd run over our cat. Thankfully,
Dobson (my cat) went straight underneath the middle of the car,
somehow missing the wheels. He's lost a tooth and battered
himself a bit, but luckily he'll live. The car driver was very
kind. He was really apologetic and even rang up this evening to
find out how Dobson was. Sorry to those people who rang me up,
only to be told to ring later, but we were a little concerned.
And finally, before the news, I'd just like to say, "Og vub".
CA NEWS
It turns out that there was a small problem with one of the FRED
discs that was sent out last month. One of our readers (sorry,
I don't know your name) received his issue of FRED 53 and the
shutter at the top of the disc was faulty - I assume it was
bent. Unfortunately, he continued to use it and when he pulled
it out, it yanked out the heads or something else incredibly
important and completely ruined his disc drive. Luckily, the
post office are paying him compensation, but let this be a
warning to other SAM owners. If you do receive your copy of
FRED and the shutter is damaged, don't use the disc. Instead
send it back to Colin Macdonald for replacement.
The same applies to faulty discs. If the issue is faulty when
you receive it, send it to Colin, and he'll send a new one the
same day. If the disc gets corrupted and it's no longer the
current issue, send an SAE when you return the disc.
CA NEWS
Terrible news about the Pentium processor, isn't it? For those
of you who haven't heard, some mathematical person who uses his
PC 586 for doing his sums on (but then checks them on paper -
wierd bloke) did a certain type of sum and found out he got a
different answer when he worked it out! He then told millions
of people via E-mail, and lots of businesses complained and lost
interest in Pentium (try to control your laughter please).
Eventually, Pentium agreed to do the correct thing and are
offering free replacement chips to those with a faulty
processor! Now (ha ha ha) lots of people are getting the free
chips, buying a mother board for £90, a case, hard drive, floppy
drive and accessories and building their own P.C. for about £600
cheaper!
And now a joke that my maths teacher told me.
Q: Why wasn't the Pentium called the 586?
A: 'Coz when you add 100 to 486 on the Pentium you get 585.983
CA NEWS
And now, I can proudly announce FRED's next big release. This
is important news, so you'd expect Colin Macdonald to announce
it, but he's too busy. Fame and power is mine.
Yes, the next release is a C-compiler. If there is anyone out
there who hasn't heard of C, it's a completely different
programming language (it's more structured), has had literally
hundreds of books written for it and is very widely used,
especially by PC owners.
And now, C-compiler can bring it to your SAM. It compiles 'C'
into m/c and will have most features of other C compilers, as
well as all common libraries. But what does this mean?
Basically, you will be able to take source code from any C
program off the PC and use it on your SAM, giving SAM owners
access to THOUSANDS of new programs. This really is a must for
everyone.
An April launch is looking likely, and the price will be £15 -
CA NEWS
extremely cheap when you consider that C-compilers on other
machines usually cost about £80. Buy a PC mag and check it out,
it's true. There should be comprehensive details about this in
the coming months.
The next great news is that the date for the next SAM and Speccy
show has been confirmed - April the 29th. The place is going to
be Quedgley again, so get your time booked off work now! I'll
probably have more details month.
And the other bit of good news this month is that you can now
order TnT and Sophistry from FRED, so get those cheques in the
post.
There is a TnT demo on this disc, so you'll know basically what
the games about. It has been programmed by Matt Round and has
17 levels in the full version. The demo version shows a Mona
Lisa mick-take, but the full version contains lots of others
including Gazza, Roger Rabbit, Captain Kirk and oodles more.
CA NEWS
For details of Sophistry, read my review in the letters section.
It's a completely honest review, so it's a good job I liked it,
else I could be out of a job!
Both TnT and Sophistry are £9-95 each. Both are incredible
bargains, and should be snapped up quicker than a Scot snaps up
a 10 pence piece. Sorry, Colin, don't mean it.
Oh yes, nearly forgot. These two delicious pieces of software
can be bought for a BARGAIN £9 each is you're a subber. If you
aren't, then become a subber and save £1-90.
And now, prepare yourselves for a shock...
BM He's Back!!!
Hi all. How's things? Has life without "moi" been bearable then?
What? You didn't notice I'd gone? Oh.
I can't believe it was issue 50 that I last spoke to you all.
October 1994 seems so long ago now! Jeez.
You'll be pleased to hear that I haven't been kicked off my
course at Uni yet. I passed all the December exams, and I've
just handed in a massive C project - nearly 50K of source code
and a 5000 word report. Actually that's part of the reason why
I'm writing this - now that it's out of the way I've nothing
left to fill the aching void that most people would call a
social life (sob).
Healthwise, things have been a bit disappointing (I bet you wish
I hadn't bothered writing now. "Mr Doom and Gloom" you'll be
calling me). I've had a cold for the past three weeks. The only
plus point is that I've proved once and for all that getting
blootered is NOT a cold cure. (I can be very gullible at times)
BM Doo de doo de doo
Christmas. Ah, there's a tale or two to be told from the
Chrimble season. Apart from the fact that Wm Low (which is
becoming more and more a Tesco every week) had me in working
full time for more or less the whole holiday, this was a fine
larf.
Christmas Eve - up into Dundee for a few drinks, stayed in the
pub until 12:30am, and then a large group of us trundled down to
the casino. You must think I'm a complete addict to gambling
now, but I'm not. Not quite. Anyway, I ended up winning a tenner
there which was nice.
Hold on - we went up to the casino on Wednesday 21st Dec as
well. (I won £25 that night) I think I *am* starting to become
addicted to that place! And the week after Hogmany I went (won
another £10). AND I went just this Saturday passed (won £20). So
over the past four visits I've made £65. Heh heh heh. Anybody
want to buy my "system"?
BM What I Did Over Xmas
Christmas Day - the usual affair with the relations over. High
point of the first part of the day was the Cat in a Bag that I
gave my uncle. It's this little motorised ball which wobbles
around randomly. You put it in a brown paper bag and stick a bit
of fur in the end and it really does look like there's a cat in
the bag! It drove the dogs wild!
Before I left FRED, did I mention that we got a new dog? Cindy,
the old one, died in the second week of September which was sad.
She was pretty ancient though, and she went before she really
lost all control of herself. Our new one is a little rat type
thing, and now that we've got two very young, very energetic
dogs in the house you can imagine the chaos that we regularly
endure.
But I digress.
Christmas night - party!!!!!!!!!! (Can't remember much of it
though....)
BM Hogmanay Review
No doubt you're all a little curious as to how I spent this
traditionally drunken night. Especially after the exploits of
93/94 New Year which I expect Colin has explained in more detail
than I let him do last year.
Well. Let's see. I was at this "party", with 5,999 other people.
The music was loud. Have you guessed yet? No? Well, I spent my
Hogmany at the Rezerection near Edinburgh. Yes, it was a rave.
No, I did not take any drugs. Neither did the friends I was
with. Now that the obvious question is out of the way, I'll
elaborate:
Rezerection is a regular all-night event in Scotland. From 8pm
until 8am, 6,000 people dance themselves silly in this massive
hangar type thing, carried away on a wave of euphoria (I'll
avoid that other infamous "E" word because people get the wrong
idea) by the best bands and DJs around. And yes it is legal,
licensed etc. There are tons of security guys, medics, and a
smattering of police. And nobody died.
BM Hogmanay Review
The music? Techno, obviously. A mixture of hard, hard, fast fast
bass-and-little-else stuff which frankly gets rather tedious
after a while, and the piano-ridden anthems with lyrics derived
from the old "feel so high/take me higher/feel so real/feel the
energy" stable. And it was brill! The music, forgetting the
pretty dismissive tone of that earlier sentence, was superb.
Okay, it's shallow and formulaic, but once you start dancing to
it, even *without* drugs (I can't emphasize that part enough -
it's only now that I'm beginning to realise the amount of
prejudice directed at ravers. We do not all do drugs!), it seems
like the most beautiful music ever written.
It's hard to explain. I suppose it's kind of like running or
cycling or weight training. Once you get started, and provided
you've got the right attitude towards it, you get a superb, and
*wholly natural* high. But when you're dancing away, after half
an hour or so you blend in so well with the rhythm and the bass
that you feel just great. And when they throw in those cheesy
piano riffs and mellow flute sounds it's indescribable.
BM Hogmanay Review
I have to recommend raves. Go along to just the one. Get a
couple of mates, and go to a techno night at the local
nightclub. Have a couple of vodkas to relax and feel more at
ease (not too many though, or you'll just be an uncoordinated
wreck), and try and get into the music.
You'll feel very self-conscious at first, naturally. I did, and
still do when I start dancing. You soon realise that nobody's
going to laugh at you for being silly or anything, and as long
as you feel confident you look fine. The best thing to do is
just go for it. Raving is very different from head-banging. You
move your whole body, arms and legs. You don't just wobble your
head back and forth. Raving doesn't give you whiplash.
But back to "the Rez" as it's called. What a night. Bangin',
kickin', bouncin', and all the other cliched terms which are as
much a part of the scene as the music itself.
Another thing - you should see the women at these events - woah!
BM Hogmanay Review
Bands playing at the Hogmanay Rez included Q-Tex, The Rhythmic
State, and Bass X. DJs included Scott Brown, Tom Wilson, Mikey
B, Paul Elstak, Tin Tin, and of course Lenny Dee (God to some
people). And plenty much more, mark my words. If these names
mean nothing to you, don't worry.
Ultra-Sonic weren't there, which is possibly my only down point
of the night. U.S. are stunning. Neither was Bass Generator,
who's just been voted DJ of '94 by M8 readers. Hopefully I'll be
going to see him play at the Fubar in Stirling this weekend, but
it's not guaranteed.
Anyway, to round off: Rezerection was a fine way to spend
Hogmanay. I am glad I chose to do that instead of the usual
going out, getting drunk, catching pneumonia. Let's hope the
95/96 Rez is just as good!
It does feel weird having no hangover on 1st January though...
BM Techno Stuff
CD time! I've bought quite a lot in the four months since you
last heard from me. Here's a brief run through:
DJ Sasha & Jon Digweed: Renaissance - house music of the handbag
variety, according to Select, and it's true in the nicest way.
You can certainly dance to it, but it has a nice friendly poppy
feel to it. Tracks like Sunscreem's Perfect Motion and Moby's Go
get the remix treatment, and come out sounding excellent on this
3 CD, 4 hour compilation. Well worth buying.
Various: Energise. Compiled by top dance mag M8, this is
intended as a cross-section of the Scottish dance scene just
now. It is a brilliant CD, and has old favourites like Power of
Love by Q-Tex, E-I-E-I-O by Chill FM and that classic of the
dancefloors, played THREE TIMES at Rez, Soap on a Rope by the
Rhythmic State. Other tracks, while less well known, are by no
means crap. Highlights include Isotope by Auriga, Turn Up The
Power by N-Trance (currently #3 in the charts with Set Me Free,
which I think is amazing) and Bouncy by Analgesia.
BM Techno Stuff
Very much a CD to dance your heart out to, I think it fulfils
its purpose very well in reflecting the state of Scottish techno
(which for my money is light years better than English stuff).
If this isn't available "down south", send me £15 and I'll post
one down to you (that includes p+p, so you're not being done
here).
The Grid: Evolver. You'll have heard Swamp Thing - you know, the
one with the banjo? Well, forget that. The rest of this album is
a lot better than Swamp Thing might have you think. The best way
to describe this band is as a more charty Orbital, with bass you
can't quite dance to, but it certainly gets your toes tapping.
An excellent CD to listen to, but don't expect to find much of
it at raves. The local nightclub, maybe.
The Stone Roses: The Second Coming. Okay, it's not techno but I
haven't deserted the indie scene completely, you know. The only
thing I have to say about this is: it's not as good as their
first. That said, could *any* album have beaten that stunning
BM Techno Stuff (ahem)
debut? I think not. It's a good album, but following the
prequel, still a disappointment.
Single of the year 1994: The Future, by Dyewitness. A Dutch
group of hardcore lunatics, Dyewitness will surely be a huge
name in '95. Listen to this song, and you will not disagree. It
is a classic, easily up these with the likes of Annihilating
Rhythm and, um, all those other classics!
*****
And that's it from me. For another six months, probably. There
are other CDs I could review, for example QFX, Essential
Clubscene, Laurent Garnier, Journey By DJ: Danny Rampling, and
the new Suede one, but I'll leave that for now. 'Tis getting
late, and my fingers are bored of hitting plastic keys. So.
Until next time - see ya!
Brian McConnell, Bad Dancer Extraordinaire 01-02-1995
CA DISC CONTENTS
To begin with, I owe everyone who has contributed a program or
letter a MASSIVE thank you. After the small amount of letters I
was getting, I stuck a sarcastic letter in FRED 52, and either
that or another of my endless pleas seems to have sparked
everyone into life. In fact, this month I had too many letters!
It's been decided to hold a few back until next month because
there was about 65K of letters before compression!!! I've also
been sent the largest monthly amount of programs, which really
is very pleasing. Everything I've received in the last month
will be kept separate and I will try and use them when it is
possible.
Thanks again, and please, keep them coming!
Slot 'D' brings us Fortress, a game by Tim Paveley. If anyone
remembers 'Dracula' way back on FRED 24A, they'll already have
the basic idea. The game is for two players, and is a game of
skill and strategy. Each player controls one army and one fort.
The idea of the game is to fire the missiles into the air and
CA DISC CONTENTS
get them to hit the enemy base. Each player has up to 3 shots
each turn depending on how many soldiers they have left. You
have to decide on the angle and velocity of the shot(s), and
each will be altered slightly by the force of the wind. A near
miss kills a few soldiers, a hit on the innocent people in the
village means some of your soldiers desert you and a direct hit
on the enemy results in total death of his 100 men. Dracula was
great fun, and this is just as fun and more advanced. The map
takes a while to draw, but is superbly accurate.
The next contribution comes from Bob Brunsden. It's called
Solitaire, and is the ball game, not the card game. My dad
bought the game years back, and I only completed it once. At
least that proves it's possible. It's a simple game, but
beautifully presented by Bob. He's converted some music and the
graphics, although simple, look pretty stunning.
The idea is to end up with one ball. You do this by removing
balls one at a time. This isn't easy to explain. Let me use a
CA DISC CONTENTS
diagram. Ball 2 is able to jump over ball 1 into the gap
between 3 and 1. Then, ball 1 is
Step 1... 3 _ 1 2 _ removed. Following this, ball 3
Step 2... 3 2 _ _ _ can then jump over ball 2, due to
Step 3... _ _ 3 _ _ the new positions of the balls.
Ball 3 will end up where ball 1
started and ball 2 is removed. If that's not clear, play it a
bit and you'll soon understand. Thanks Bob.
Next, Steve Taylor returns to FRED, with some nice utilities.
As you'll probably know, I'm pretty useless when it comes to
clever things like machine code, but you'll be pleased to know
that Steve has provided his own instructions/explanations.
There are utilities for mouse and timer owners. There may be
something else, but I'm thick, so don't ask me.
LCP? (note the question mark - we don't breach copyright) is a
demo from Dave 'FLM' Handley. No, don't get excited, it's not
the actual game, or a demo of the actual game, but it is a very
CA DISC CONTENTS
enjoyable little demo. You control a person who looks
remarkably like a character in a game that slips my mind, and
walk around in a house a bit like the house in a game that slips
my mind. In this game that slips my mind, the character does
things logically, but in LCP? you decide what the man does.
It's got 7 or 8 nice animations (one may be X-rated. It's a
bath scene!), so have a good laugh. By the way, Dave, your
Christmas music IS good. End of argument.
MATT ROUND FANS READ THIS NOW!!!
At last, as promised in FRED 53, we have a playable demo of
Matt's forthcoming game, TnT from Revelation. It's similar to
Bounty Bob on the Spectrum, but the SAM seems to make the game a
million times better. Matt's only giving away one level (unless
there's a secret one I can't find), but it's a big enough taster
to make you send off for the full game now! Basically, I LOVE
IT!
CA DISC CONTENTS
This months menu (I always forget to do this bit) was done by
Lee Willis. The screen has been done by Graham Goring and the
code and music by Lee 'Bubel' Willis. This time, there is a
bouncy scroll (but of course, you'll know that already!). Good
to see Lee improving his machine code skills. I do have another
demo, but I'll save it for another issue (it's far too much
like the menu!).
Aninomity has somehow managed to come up with 3 more stories
this month. They are continuations of Spamtrek TNG (Shocked?
So was I!), Cereal and Starbore.
Some quite wonderful screens have been sent in by Martin
O'Connell and Robert Van Der Veeke this month. Thanks chaps.
In bits and bobs, we have a true random number generator and a
"pwetty pattern" drawer from Darren Martin and a playable
Gamesmaster shoot-em-up from James Curry.
CA DISC CONTENTS
FRED are now proud to present the previously unseen, (well on
FRED, anyway) Rachel 3 and 4!!! At last, you can continue with
the story. It's very, very funny. Those of you who haven't
read it yet, you really do want to. Thanks go to Andrew
Hodgekinson for this. The story continues next month.
Graham Goring's been hard at it again, and decided that
Archimedes conversions of his screens weren't good enough even
for the adverts section, so has redone two of the adverts on
SAMpaint. Take a look, and see what this wonderful graphical
artist can do.
I've been kind enough to put 3 (yes, three) mods on this month.
Two are from Martin O'Connell and one from Graham Goring.
Unfortunately, I've only been sent one E-tune this month, which
is a bit tiresome. I'll have to hunt down some more and pray
that they haven't been used already. The one I have so far is
from Peter Moore.
CA YOU'RE ALL TOO GOOD TO ME
Editor: Colin 'Thats 4 issues now!' Anderton
Thanks to: Tim Paveley Andrew Hodgekinson
Bob Brunsden Stewart Skardon
Steve Taylor Matt Round
Martin O'Connell Brian 'Raver' McConnell
Dave Handley James Curry
Graham Goring Frank Harrop
George Robson Robert Van Der Veeke
Phil Glover Darren Martin
FRED was brought to you by the number 2 and the letter Zee
[redacted]
A book review follows >>>>>
Bye
DM Book Review
The Discworld Companion by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Briggs
£14.99 in hardback from Victor Gollancz
To sst a few things straight before I begin(No.Wait...that is a
beginning).TDC is not a new Discworld novel,nor is it a plain
old reference book written by some geek with a PC more powerful
than himself(or herself).TDC is an encyclopedia of the Discworld
taking information from all the novels up to Soul Music.Terry
Pratchett himself has also contributed new material,making this
"the definitive-and only-guide" to the Discworld.
Firstly there is an introduction by Pratchett,modestly
explaining his astonishment at the success of the novels(then
again all authors do that).Then Stephen Briggs clears his metap-
horical throat to give us an introduction to the Companion;
describing the artistic licence he has taken with some of the
inconsistencies throughout the novels.
Now we come to the A to Z guide:Each entry is,on average,150
DM Book Review
words;items covered in more detail in other entries are in
CAPITALS;and the novel in which the entry is found is also
menioned.
Places are listed with their populations,capital cities,
principal ports,geographial position,etc.
The guilds of Ankh-Morpork are listed along with their mottos(in
Latatian:the Discworlds near Latin Old Language),coat of arms,
brief history and type of members.
There are various lists,including:animals,flora,books,inns and
deities.
Many entries are supplemented with drawings,diagrams and maps.
Items with a regullr occurance in the novels are given large and
detailed entries,these include:
-Magic,its different types and users
-Ankh-Morpork,its history,culture(?!),residents,trade,law,rulers
-Unseen Unversity,its history,wealth and organisation,study
courses,ceremonies and a guided tour
-Death with his house and vocation.
DM Book Review
After the guide comes 12 pages of Discworld history,not the
fictional side,but a history of the successes and developments
of the novels.Publishing contracts,initial establishment,appeal
and Pratchetts philosophy are discussed.Developments include
stage adaptions,figurines,theme music and computer games(the
first being on the Spectrum).At the end is an informal interview
with Terry Pratchett and a browse through his fan mail and email
The presentation of the book is nice with 2 columns of entries
per page.Slightly off-white paper and sketchy drawings give the
book an olde feel and the inside cover is decorated with a map
of downtown Ankh-Morpork.
This book is a must for fans of Pratchetts discworld stuff,some
of it may mean a lot if your not up to date with the novels.The
only problem now is that with the release of "Intresting Times"
the Companion is out of date.
CA SNEAKY LITTLE ADVERT
For the first (and I promise, last time) I'm going to use my
power as editor to make a few quid. I've got a Game Gear which
I need to sell in order to raise money for my holiday with 9 of
my mates to Newquay (100,000 astro-viruses per litre in the sea
according to Dispatches. Apparently 10 per litre can make you
ill!). I'm selling it and everything I have with it for £150 -
well under half the price it's worth!
Sega game gear (the one you carry about). Including a.c.
adaptor, carry case and a couple of cheat books. Games include:
Sonic 1, Sonic 2, Sonic Chaos, Slider, Indiana Jones, Shinobi,
Spider-man, Crystal Warriors, Defenders of Oasis (Brilliant
RPG), Columns, a foreign tank game, Super Monaco Grand Prix,
Mick Mouse Castle of Illusion and a couple more that I can't
find, but will very soon!
It's in excellent condition, and if anyones interested, give me
a ring on [redacted]
Letters & Reviews
Letter From Andrew Collier
Dear Colin,
It was with a mixture of surprise and dismay that I read of
your decision to stop paying out for contributions. Although I
realise that in these days of inflation it is necessary to cut
costs wherever possible, the payment for contributions has been
a vital factor in the success of the industry that is Fred
magazine.
Obviously, this is an issue which will affect very many of your
contributors, (without whom, you have in the past quite
correctly said, Fred would not be possible,) but also your
readers. I am sure that I am not alone in feeling that an
increase in cost of, say, 50p an issue would be a reasonable
price to pay if that meant contributions would still be paid
for. Similarly I do not object to second class post being used.
However, the cash incentive to programmers is of immeasurable
value. Personally, I am not in it just for the money, but
obviously the reward for good work does come into the picture
Letter From Andrew Collier
somewhere, and a bit of spare cash goes a long way to encourage
me to write the next program.
Without this incentive, it is true that programmers will
probably continue to program, but not necessarily for Fred.
Indeed, without payment, donated material is by definition
Public Domain, and as such you cannot expect it to be kept as
Fred exclusive, neither before nor after it has been on your
disk. Particularly in areas such as machine code demos there
will no longer be any disadvantages at all to the programmer in
distributing software via PD libraries.
And so it continues into all other areas of programming. Despite
your pleas for more contributions (which were immediately, and
unsubtley followed by this shock news) I feel it unlikely that
more programmers will work harder for this "chance" of payment,
as opposed to the definite payment for anything on the disk.
Naturally, in the unlikely chance of a programmer being
Letter From Andrew Collier
absolutely determined to get the rare cash prize, he will
program to the best of his abilities. All the better you would
think, until you consider that each good program will take so
much longer to finish than usual that the frequency of his
output will decrease to such an extent that you will be forced
to put other, smaller, less impressive programs onto the disk
instead, and the magazine will not have benefitted as a result.
The only effect would be to the detrement of the quality of the
magazine, and since you have stated your aim to be "to keep the
same quality at the same price" then you are, regrettably, bound
to fail.
This brings me to a further point; you say that the "best"
program receives £10, but that you will not give the prize to a
regular bunch of talented programmers as "it is fairer that
way." A debateable point in my opinion; especially since the
regular programmers clearly do most of the work, and by your
reasoning are likely to get the least credit for that. This is
invalid logic, and if you eventually decide to keep the star
Letter From Andrew Collier
contribution idea, then I would suggest that you judge each
program on its own merits, and not on whether a particular
programmer has won before.
Furthermore, I will ask you what exactly is your definition of
"best"? One man's trash is another man's treasure, they say. I
might, for example, write a machine coded, mouse compatable,
mode 4, menu driven mines game with sampled sound effects and
game features never before seen on any other Sam version (for
example!); an editor might put it on the disk, but be bored of
the idea having seen awful Basic attempts so many times, and
think to himself "Oh no, not another one of those" ignoring the
cash prize. One casting vote hardly seems to be an ideal
solution.
Moreover, there is no longer any remaining incentive for me or
any other programmer to write menus, since they couldn't
possibly be placed in section D. Similarly, the text
decompressor and reader would not be credited in this way. This
Letter From Andrew Collier
is an extremely large and complex project; I'm not sure you
appreciate the difficulties involved with this algorithm, which
is more efficient with memory but very much more complicated
than the one you are using at the moment; a project which I
would stress that I am not prepared to continue just for the
sheer fun of it. There are much easier things I could be doing
instead. In one important sense, anybody who sends material to
Fred is doing the editors, and the readers, a great favour and I
feel you are neglecting this in cutting the payment.
On the other hand, the idea of a lottery is just as bad for both
the contributors and the magazine. If the programmer is
absolutely determined to get the cash prize, he will, in this
case, churn out mountains of rubbish, so as to get his name into
the hat the maximum possible number of times. You may get more
contributions, but of lower and lower quality up to the point at
which the magazine is not worth the disk it is saved on. I would
not like to see that happen, and I am sure that neither you nor
your readers would like to see it either.
Letter From Andrew Collier
I shall leave you with this point to null over: it surely is no
coincidence that the quality of FRED rose dramatically
immediately when payment was introduced. If your new scheme
continues then I would not be surprised to see the equal and
opposite reaction. I doubt that I am on my own, and I would ask
you to reconsider this decision (which was taken before actually
asking any of your readers if a price rise would be acceptable)
before any permanent damage is done to Fred magazine or to the
Sam market which it helps to advertise and sustain.
If your mind is totally and absolutely made up against keeping a
sensible and fair system which has already served you very well
for years, then perhaps you could instead consider providing
software in the form of n free issues of Fred or special
vouchers for money off Fred and Revelation (and Phoenix) titles
for contributions which did not reach the dizzy heights of
"star" status. Possibly a sliding scale of between £5 and £10
(or more if the product is absolutely outstanding) could be in
order; but the situation no credit, no appreciation, not even
Letter From Andrew Collier
any thanks, for the vast majority of contributors, should not be
your preferred solution. I mean, even Your Sinclair sent you a
metal exclusive pin badge and a signed congratulations note from
the editor, and that was just for a screen wipe routine (which
incidentally, was used in the F.L.M. demo on issue 52 without
proper mention or credit. I don't know if it is in the game
proper; I haven't bought it and I can't admit to really being
very interested in Football Manager games; but you can check I
wrote the routine by looking in YS issue 87 (March 93) page 31.
Note Craig's error - I know I said "above Ramtop" in my letter
because I still have a copy of it. I did tell him my full name,
too.)
Thankyou for reading, I hope my points fall on sympathetic ears.
Best wishes,
Andrew Collier
CA Reply to Andrew Collier
Many thanks for your letter Andrew. It's helpful to receive
feedback, positive and negative.
Both Colin and I understand that this news would be a shock to
everyone and really did prolong the decision, but something had
to be done. Although FRED magazine is non profit making, it
simply can't continue if it makes a loss. I know a couple of
people have said that they would not mind price rises, but if we
were to consider this, we really would like a lot more people
saying they wouldn't mind. I don't doubt you're alone, but we'd
need more definite responses.
On the point about public domain. Public domain is not donated
material that receives no payment, it is where the programmer
lets his software be distributed for little or no charge.
Either way, FRED will not publish anything which has already
been released. However, as many other programmers have done,
they are free to distribute it AFTER is has been on FRED.
CA Reply to Andrew Collier
I apologise for the positioning of the plea and the news.
Unfortunately, I can't write an editorial in one go, and end up
fitting bits together over time. I hope that this did not
irritate or upset any readers. Similarly, the point about not
paying the same bunch of programmers, was merely to tell less
regular (I can't call them irregular, that could be taken the
wrong way) programmers that just because they can't program in
machine code, doesn't mean that their contribution won't be
considered for the best program. My choice would be decided by
a mixture of the quality AND the time spent.
Although my vote may seem unfair, I do try and be as unbiased as
possible. I make sure at least two other SAM owners agree, but
anyway, in the end, someone has to make the final decision -
even whether or not an item will even get onto FRED!
Also, I can see the logic in people sending lots of
contributions, but the fact of the matter is that they simply
wouldn't be included if they weren't up to an acceptable
CA Reply to Andrew Collier
standard. If all we were sent was rubbish, all you'd get would
be an editorial and demos of 10 FRED games! There is absolutely
no way that we would let the quality of FRED drop to a standard
where people were not getting value for money.
Despite this, your point is a very good one. I can completely
understand this view and am positive you will not be alone.
Thanks again for taking the time to write the letter. If other
FRED readers/contributors feel the same way then perhaps we'll
re-think.
Letter from Stewart Skardon
Argh!!! (Screams of a mad nature),
What have you done to me, a once normal and sane person? I am
completely mad now. First Lemmings, and now Santa Goes Psycho
2! I am now a bald raving loony, not the peaceful and tranquil
Stewart that I used to be. A few questions, as I know that you
will probably appreciate the opportunity to fill up as much
space as possible in the letters section. (Come on all you other
FRED readers! Get writing!)
1) Who did the menu on FRED 52? Just to say, I thought the snow
was a very nice touch!
2) Correct me if I am mistaken, but did you say that you own an
Archimedes? If you do, so do I! I've got a humble little A3010
(ARM 250, RISC OS 3 with 2 meg). If I am not mistaken, what
model do you own? How about swapping programs? If I don't say
so myself, I am pretty good at programming the Arc, and can
program in the WIMP environment.
Letter From Stewart Skardon
I think that the post office have done it again! I sent my poor
innocent but ill Speccy +3 to be repaired and I'm still waiting
for it to be returned! At least this sort of thing goes to show
that the post office obviously have good taste in computers!
There may be a few "bits" winging their way to you soon! Watch
out! A couple of MODs perhaps? A few programs and screens, who
knows? Who cares? That's if the Post office don't nick them
first!
Congratulations on an excellent issue 52, keep it up, or else!
Best Wishes,
Stewart Skardon
CA Reply to Stewart Skardon
Hello again. Deary me, it looks as if the "Oh, I'm turning mad"
disease is spreading across the country. That must be at least
8 people with it now - myself (I'm proud to say) included. Mind
you, ON!ML, Impatience and TTLL certainly isn't the cure. You
must love being mad.
Issue 52's menu? Why, that was done by another of us nutters,
Graham Goring. I can't remember whose idea it was to have the
snow, but I did the text with the snow resting on it and he did
all the rest. He cheated though - I don't know if anyone
noticed, but the snow effect was done using Gamesmaster!
Yes, I indeed own an Archimedes. It took a whole summer holiday
of night-shifts at our local fruit packers to pay for it, but I
did it. I had the sense to buy an Arc instead of one of those
P.C. things lots of people buy so they can play Doom. Due to
the amount of hours I worked, I was able to buy an A5000 with
ARM 3, RISC OS 3.11 and 2 meg. Don't feel inferior though. Ha
ha ha. I know that Andrew Hodgekinson also owns one, and I'm
CA Reply to Stewart Skardon
positive other SAM owners either own one or have access to one.
If I haven't already got in touch, it's because I'm lazy.
Good to hear the post office is playing up again.
Quick. Whip those "bits" in the post now. The sooner the
better, and the more stuff I get, the better FRED will be.
Thanks for the letter, and good luck with the new software.
Letter From Frank Harrop
Dear Colin,
In your editorial in FRED 53, you were asking for subscribers
to put forward ideas and programs for a variety of interests.
But what about hardware projects? I am sure both of you were
surprised at the interest aroused for the EDDAC unit, and I can
suggest another project that could also follow suit.
I am the fortunate owner of a SAMBUS, and the timer I consider a
most valuable and useful tool. Not only is it used to provide
timing pulses for the amateur radio programs devised by Ian
Spencer (author of Specmaker and PC_Suite), but it automatically
inserts date and time on your directory files whenever they are
saved, so it is easy to check the sequence. In addition, you
need it to insert date and time into word processors such as The
Secretary and Outwrite.
Unfortunately, the SAMBUS is no longer advertised by West Coast
Computers, and apparently no longer being manufactured because
Letter From Frank Harrop
the timer chip used in the original is a rather obscure
integrated circuit not readily available. I feel this is a
feeble excuse for, as other computers provide timing functions,
there must be some alternative timer chips that are available,
even from Maplins. But it would mean a re-design of the
associated circuitry. With the unfortunate prolonged illness of
the manufacturer of the SAM, it would mean that one of our other
experts, for example Stefan Drissen, might be in a position to
design such a unit. In fact it could be limited to just a
simple clock interface, used with a two-face to provide a
through connection, or a complete board with input and output
connectors, or perhaps just one extra socket.
There is of course the necessity of proving the likely demand
for such an interface, and sufficient SAM owners would need to
come forward to justify someone tackling even the design. Even
then there is the question of assembly, as I do not think that
it would be feasible to try a veroboard type unit. This for
home constructors would mean that a prototype printed circuit
Letter From Frank Harrop
board is almost essential, to ensure a reproducible product, for
simple assembly and avoid most connection mistakes. Again that
would need a professional design, and sufficient demand to
justify a short production run. Does any subscriber have the
facility of a PCB design program and would be willing to produce
a design if a technical circuit is provided, and anyone able to
produce a one-off prototype for testing? This is how a
specialist interface for the old Spectrum Plus was developed
when 20 members of a group gave a commitment to purchase the
PCB.
It could be that there are still numbers of the original SAMBUS
printed circuit boards available, and that only the clock
section is the problem. Whether an expert could modify the
original artwork/circuit boards to take an alternative
integrated circuit is another way of looking at the problem.
Either way - the question remains, is there sufficient demand
for a timer interface for the matter to be taken further? I am
Letter From Frank Harrop
no electronic expert in relation to current integrated
circuitry, but it would be interesting to know whether those SAM
owners with expert knowledge, either in this country or in
Europe, have any thoughts on this matter, or are in a position
to advise?
Perhaps FRED subscribers will let you have their views.
Sincerely,
Frank Harrop
CA Reply to Frank Harrop
Many thanks for the letter. Indeed, hardware is something we're
all interested in. The response for people wanting the EDDAC
MOD player was very surprising, which just goes to show that
people really do want to improve their SAMs.
The idea also sounds very promising. I don't know anything
about electronics (except what I was taught in Physics - ie.
nothing!), but I found myself agreeing with you all the time.
Colin is going to pass the idea onto West Coast Computers.
In the meantime, I'm sure you'll find Steve Taylor's extra clock
commands very useful.
And to all other readers, if you have any opinion on this or any
similar subject, please write in.
Letter From George Robson
Dear Colin,
As one of your "passed my sell by date" subscribers,
I must congratulate you on the high standard that is being kept
up on "Fred". I got involved with computers when I received a
Spectrum 16K as a retirement present in 1983, and then went on
through all the variations ending up with a notorious +3. The
next step was of course to get a Sam, and I was one of the early
customers when it appeared. I am no expert on the machine, but
spend many happy hours pottering about on the Sam, and although
some of the items on Fred are rather beyond my limited
knowledge, I get a great deal of pleasure from the ones I can
cope with. I especially like the music items, which I transfer
on to separate discs to collect them together, both the
"E-tunes" and the "Mod" programs. Similarly with the screens,
and I now have some 16 discs full of screens collected from many
sources. I was overjoyed after purchasing SAMpaint to discover
the many things that could be done with it, especially as a few
years back I added a Star LC200 colour printer to my set up, and
although it is somewhat dated now, it still produces nice
Letter From George Robson
coloured printouts from SAMpaint, as well as being used with
Outwrite2 as a word processor.
I was most interested in the "Protection" system used on
SAMpaint, using the numbers of page, line and word of the
manual. What I wondered was it possible for you to give me a
program listing, (hopefully in Basic), to be able to use another
book or such like in the same way?
My second point is to ask if you were able to provide titles
for screens you have on Fred each month? Some of course are
obvious, but others have me puzzled, and I would be delighted to
know what they are.
Thanking you in anticipation, keep up the good work, from an
old codger of 73,
Yours sincerely,
George Robson
CA Reply to George Robson
Old codger?!? At only 73?!? Come on George. You're still a
spritely young lad as far as I'm concerned. Keep up the
exercise and you'll probably be fit enough for the next olympic
pole-vaulting team!
Much as I understand how useful the protection system on
SAMpaint would be to us all, it would kind of defeat the purpose
of the protection if we gave it away! Sorry.
Most of the screens I receive do have titles, and I would be
only too pleased to tell you what they're called. If you're
stuck on any from my period (51-53) I'll be able to help you
out. If you want to know any others, I may be able to help.
Many thanks for the letter, and may you get lots more enjoyment
from FRED while I'm still about.
Letter From Phil Glover
Dear Colin,
Congratulations on getting FRED 52 to me in time for
Christmas. I was very pleased with the variety and content of
the disk, especially for the contributions by Matt Round. His
SANTA GOES PSYCHO 2 game was superb, and should be used as an
example of how good GAMES MASTER can be in the right hands. If
he writes SGP 3 for next Christmas, with a few extra bits, it
may be worth releasing it as a stand alone budget game, as SGP 2
is almost too good to be given away on a magazine. I'm not
complaining, but it'd be nice to think that programmers can earn
a few quid from their work, where possible.
I'm constantly pleased with some of the software that's
published on disc magazines, as well as some of the commercial
stuff, as SAM programming seems to be done by keen writers in
their own spare time, rather than as a full-time paid job. It
makes you wonder just how far SAM's limits could be pushed if
teams of paid programmers were set about such work, as they did
on the Spectrum just a few years back.
Letter From Phil Glover
Everyone who writes SAM programs, whether for magazines, PD
or commercial material, is helping strengthen SAM and adding to
the software base. If only SAM had been launched with half the
software available, it may have got off to a better start.
Briefly returning to the multi-talented Matt Round
(grovelling flattery), I was also impressed with his secret
diary program. Could Matt possibly alter it to handle ordinary
text files, rather than diary entries? I'm sure many of us have
information, such as credit card numbers, etc. that could
benefit from such protection. Failing that, I could just choose
one particular date within the diary to file such material.
I'm glad to see that you have decided to re-release THE
COMPLETE GUIDE TO SAM BASIC. However, I'd recommend that some
clever person could edit it and possibly re-write some bits as
the original is still written as though it's part of a magazine,
and could be tidied up a bit. Also, could an extra section be
added for those of us with MasterBASIC and MasterDOS? The
Letter From Phil Glover
original version isn't in 'normal' word-processor file format,
and it'd be good if it could be published in such a form so the
user could edit the text and add comments as they wished, prior
to printing it out. Perhaps owners of the disk may then send in
extra notes and advice to FRED to share with others, so that the
guide could be expanded and added to, for the benefit of all
involved with it. This could then lead to the guide becoming the
most thorough work on SAM BASIC available, and capable of future
improvements if people wish to add to it.
I hope that FRED will continue at the usual high standard
during 1995. I'm sure that we shall continue to see more SAM
software and hardware being developed for us to enjoy. I'm
still happy with my SAM, and my impressions of PC computers are
very unfavourable. In my design studio at work, I use one main
PC and my assistant uses a slower machine. Both are 486 types,
but mine has a math coprocessor. The first 'slow' PC
self-destructed a few months back, destroying the hard drive's
contents and knackering up two or three board thingys. The
Letter From Phil Glover
replacement for that machine has now also committed suicide, we
think. It was still under warranty, and we were about to return
it, only to find that the company involved has gone bust! Touch
wood, neither of my two SAMs have gone wrong, and I won't even
think about buying a PC unless it's a model that's well-made as
SAM. The PC repairman finds it odd that I'm content with using
my SAMs and Spectrum 128, but he also admits they're superbly
designed and seem to stand the test of time better than many
current PCs.
All the very best,
Phil Glover
CA Reply to Phil Glover
Glad you liked FRED 52. Well Matt, there's yet another
challenge for you. All you Matt Round fans should be looking
out for TnT, especially after the demo on this FRED. It's being
delayed slightly due to technical hitches (bugs), but keep
watching. It will be available from Revelation in the near
future.
I often think, "if only..." when it comes to the SAM, and often
curse at the number of near misses it has had. However, we're a
tough little bunch of cult computer addicts, and we'll keep it
going to the bitter end. Although a sudden late run of luck
would be nice.
I don't really know what to say about the SAM BASIC guide. I
can never get through to Colin, but he has read your letter and
is probably this moment considering your ideas.
Yes, you can never trust a PC. All they're good for is, erm,
well,er, something, probably.
CA Review of Sophistry
After many promises of dozens of Spectrum classics being
converted to the SAM, finally Revelation have gone all the way
and released Sophistry. To top it off, they've managed to get
our favourite Stefan Drissen to program it, so you can expect a
well written program immediately.
I must admit that I've never played this game on the Spectrum,
which is strange because I'm an old Speccy owner and have played
most of the games of this age. However, this means in effect
that it's as good as a new SAM game for me, which is just as
pleasing as seeing one of your favourite games converted.
The game probably comes in a box, but it'd cost Colin too much
to post, so excuse me for that. However, the insert (ahem) is
comprehensive enough to get you started before you learn on your
own. Two pages is perfect for a set of instructions to a game
if you ask me. I can't stand it when I can be bothered to read
instructions and it was completely obvious anyway. This blue
bit of paper basically tells you the story and gives you the
controls you'll need to play.
The story is this. Sophistry (even Revelation admit to not
knowing why it's called Sophistry) takes place in a complex of
21 levels which are linked by 3D game boards. You only
currently have 20% access to the whole structure, and you must
collect the 64 keys to open the rest of the place up. You can
collect keys by bouncing on them or you can buy them using the
credits that you make during the game.
But what does it look like? On booting, you're shown the
loading screen which you should all immediately recognise as
Robert Van Der Veeke's work. As usual, it's in his 'MANGA' type
of style, very colourful and, I think, one of his better works.
And as soon as that disappears, on comes Craig Turberfield's
music, which is quite superb. I think there are lots of
different in-game tunes, and the menu tune, so you won't get
bored with repetition.
There are five icons at the top of the screen that you can
choose from, and basically let you play and control the whole
game. They consist of PLAY - PAUSE - INSTRUCTIONS - MAP -
CONTROLS. The instructions are mainly used for telling you what
the different challenges are and how to cope with them. The
controls allow you to change keys, load and save games,
exchange credits for numerous things or restart.
You control a red and yellow bouncy thing that jumps about like
a grasshopper. You play on a 3D board split up into blocks
(rather like a chess board). Your job is to jump in one of four
directions to the next block and collect the rings. There are a
number of things that make this difficult, from blocks that you
cannot go back onto until you've collected a ring, to time
limits, to a chain of low blocks you can't jump onto that
follows you! The idea of each board is basically to collect
points, rings and mainly, to escape. The exits only appear
after you gain so many points, and having the extra obstacles
makes it a challenging game. Seekers are set off by mystery
blocks or by entering certain boards, and these kill you
upon touch.
It's a game which I find very addictive. To be honest, the game
is quite simple - although Robert has done well with the limited
amount of graphics he could do. There isn't a lot of variation,
but there are a number of challenges and all of them are fun and
easy enough to do - if you have patience. When you fail to
complete a board, you don't get angry with the game like you
would in a shoot-em-up, instead you kick yourself, because you
know that you shouldn't have done what you did.
Although it is a limited game, it's very, very playable and
addictive and at £9.95, it really is a bargain. And for you
lovers of the Spectrum version, you can play that by entering a
line before you load the game!
Graphics : 72%
Music : 92%
Gameplay : 68%
Lastability : 90%
OVERALL : 80%
From Revelation Software
Programmed by Stefan Drissen
Rachel (ctd.)
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Hipposoft Presents: |
| |
| An Epic Tale of For Fredatives |
| an Accident, A "Rachel" /Fred Magazine |
| Man And His Cows Hipposoft 1992 |
| |
| Or, "The Forgotten Enemy" |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
LAST TIME... Having complained to Universal Exterminators about
having his castle doors blown off, a man requested to see The
Boss of Universal Exterminators... BIG mistake, for the cows saw
the boss as their Worst IMaginable Person and suffered from
Extremely Acute Terror Syndrome, EATS. Hence they teleported
elsewhere as a form of self-protection. The man didn't notice
this, and was waiting for an explanation of the exterminator's
actions. He was wrong, if you remember; the world exploded...
...and was replaced by a holographic projection that told the
man just who it was that had made the mistake.
"Ah," he said. "My fault."
"Correct," said the Boss, vanishing.
"So I did go to the right place," said the Dark, Shadowy
figure. "Thought I'd read the wrong number or something. Never
could get the hang of that, what-d'y-callit.."
"Mooo," interjected Rachel, helpfully.
"Writing, yes, that's it."
"But there are no house numbers on castles!"
"See what I mean?"
The Spacerat groaned, and reached for a paper bag.
The man looked around him.
"I've only got four cows!" he shouted.
"I did try to tell you."
"Where did they go?"
"Pop!" said Rachel.
"Oh no! We'll never find them!"
"Mooo," agreed Rachel, mournfully.
"I can help," said the Dark, Shadowy Figure. "I know a man who
owns sheep. Lots of sheep. He hires them out, cheap. You could
get them to build a spaceship."
"But that's impossible!"
"No, it's building a Work Field Support-O-Matic that's
impossible."
The work field is one of the most commonly experienced but least
acknowledged phenomena in the Universe.
Every living being actually generates a work field. This enables
them to get on with jobs they'd never do outside of the field.
The problem is, the work field is unstable.
When one person sits, say, in a library, on their own, they can
get enormous amounts of work done. But if about six or more
people sit in the immediate vicinity, the combining of the work
fields creates an area of field so concentrated it collapses,
forming Antiwork. At this point, none of the people can do any
proper work, because the antiwork field is having the opposite
effect to a work field and, being inexplicably stronger than it,
is spreading. Consequently everyone in the library will do very
little. Of course, Antiwork fields are highly localised
phenomena, and even though they might spread out to most of the
library, there will be a corner where one or two people sit in
their own little work fields getting loads done, much to the
annoyance of the other people.
VERY occasionally, the antiwork field builds up to a level at
which it itself collapses, the resultant field usually
collapsing several times to reach something resembling
stability, until, by a complex and convoluted system of
double-negatives, a strong work-field may be regenerated. The
basis of the Work Field Generator is to collapse fields
internally, only leaking out work-fields, which it can stop from
collapsing. Hence the popular name, Work Field Support-O-Matic.
Cows and sheep rank in the top-ten chart of "Strongest Work
Field Producers," in fact their work fields are already so
strong they collapse on generation. Thus sheep and cows exist in
a separate, serene and gentle world of their own, which is
misinterpreted my all major sentient life-forms to be caused by
a lack of intelligence. In fact, cows and sheep are
hyper-intelligent super-quasibeings.
If anyone could actually build a Work Field Support-O-Matic
(WoFiSOM) and use it to collapse the cow/sheep antiwork field,
they would have some very useful super-quasibeings on their
hands, and would undoubtedly become sickeningly rich in an
equally (if not more) sickeningly short time.
"Lemmings!" shouted the Spacerat enthusiastically. It was
holding a playing card in its hand. The Spacerat noticed there
was no-one else playing cards, and became embarrassed.
The cows, man, and Dark Shadowy Figure were having a raging
argument.
"It can be done!"
"No it can't!" The man began to hop again.
"Look, I've told you! Just get a WIMP field collector, invert
the output and send it to the component pile!"
"And how do you propose to do that?"
"Swap the upper atomic matrix with the lower atomic matrix,
whilst rotating the action of gravity through Pi radians such
that the unit undergoes permanent structural inversion in the
common three dimensional plane!"
"Turn it upside down."
Rachel groaned, and flopped to the floor. "Mooo," she
complained, stomachs rumbling uneasily. The other cows did the
same thing, and were ignored.
"You just HAVE to make everything sound stupid, don't you."
"No, I leave you to do that."
"Well let me tell you, I've inverted more WIMP field
collectors than you've had hot dinners!"
"And I've experienced more Antiwork field implosions than
you've had packed lunches!"
"You're a banana, you know that, don't you!"
"Well at least I move!"
"So do I!"
"No you don't, you IMPLY it. You can't even move properly!"
Rachel rolled over sideways, into the other three cows, that
were doing the same thing. They'd all been through a lot, what
with The Boss and now this hassle about dinner (there wasn't
any,) and right now there was so strong a WIMP field surrounding
them that when they bumped together bits of it started to
crystallise out of the air and tinkle to the ground, in the form
of small, sky-blue trigonal biprisms. A delocalised antiwork
field began to drift from the arguing figures towards them.. the
field began to intensify with the cows' hunger, the piles of
crystals grew, and reality began to crumble.. the fields drew
closer and closer, distorting space and time themselves....
"Carnivore!"
"Three-dimensional spacially restricted Earth-being!"
"Oh that's it, technical insults is it? Well let me ask you
then, go on, answer this - " he glanced at the cows, " - WHAT'S
HAPPENING TO MY COWS?!"
FFFffffffssssss... ssshhhHHhhHHHHhhULP!.. FFFFffft - PPOOWW!!!
And lo, there was light; and whilst spirit remained, reality
shattered, and inverted; and the light imploded, sprouting
darkness... and then there was oblivion....
...and the AntiWIMP field existed, for a millisecond; it twisted
amongst the shattered remnants of reality, mingled with a
twenty-fifth collapse Work Field, creating the impossible...
Creating that which could not be created...
Creating the WoFiSOM.
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Hipposoft Presents: |
| |
| An Epic Tale of For Fredatives |
| an Accident, A "Rachel" /Fred Magasine |
| Man And His Cows Hipposoft 1992 |
| |
| Or, "The Forgotten Enemy" |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
LAST TIME... The Boss of "Universal Exterminators" had just
shown the man that the confusion over the destruction of his
castle's doors was his fault. Following this through a bizarre
and exceedingly unlikely chain of events which surprisingly few
people followed successfully, in which the Spacerat played cards
and the cows wanted to be Taken Away From All That, a blinding
flash of light (which was a rather naff visible manifestation of
vast unimaginable forces at work) created the only Work Field
Support-O-Matic (WoFiSOM) in existence... - Read on...
"Wow," said Rachel.
----
Half an hour later, when the coloured spots had died away from
the man's eyes, and the Dark Shadowy Figure had reformed after
being dispersed by the flash, the group stood in a circle around
a small, grey box. It was about three inches square, and had
four buttons on the top. One was black, and had "ON/OFF" written
above it; the second was green, and had "WORK FIELD RELEASE"
written on it; the third was blue, and had "WORK FIELD DISPERSE"
on it. The fourth, was the traditional round, red button, with
no label.
"That'll be the Antiwork/Work merger system," said Rachel.
"No-one knows what happens if you place a Work field in the same
space as an Antiwork field."
There then followed a short debate about this, which lasted for
five minutes. When the matter was settled, (no-one was to touch
the button - not that anyone would have thought about it before
this was decided) the man suddenly realised that Rachel was
speaking to him, along with the rest of the cows. Then he
realised that the WoFiSOM was switched to "ON", and suddenly
knew what was happening.
"Hey, like mellow out!" he said, not entirely sure why he said
it, since he didn't know what it meant anyway. "Awesome!"
Rachel gave him a surprised glance and examined the WoFiSOM a
bit more. It had a small, black dial, set in a hole in the base,
with the words, "WORK FIELD EMERGENCY COLLAPSE:SUPPORT RATIO"
stencilled on it. You'd have thought they could have got some
decent engraving done rather than a stencil - and, it appeared,
a purple felt-tip pen - whoever "they" were, but that was
reality collapse for you. Totally unreliable. Hmph.
"By the way," said Rachel, an hour later. "I've just remembered.
You're called Diggy, aren't you?"
The man spat out the cup of tea he'd just got fifteen Caddis
flies to make for him, using the WoFiSOM. The cup tasted awful.
"Shhhhh!" - but it was too late, the giggles were drowning out
his protests and denials already.
High above, a Spacerat - still with a bad headache from the
collapse of reality, that time wave had sent it fifteen weeks
into the air - sniggered to itself.
"I was wondering," admitted the Dark, Shadowy Figure when
everyone had recovered. "Now I know why you never mentioned it."
"Well I wouldn't have let anyone know, but for this Blasted
Bovine Botheration!"
Rachel mooed loudly and stomped off to eat some grass, in a
temper. The other cows followed.
"Well we may has well get on with it, hadn't we?" stated
Diggy, rattily. (Not that he knew quite how a rat would have
said that, it just seemed sort of ratty.) "Lets turn up that
WoFiSOM, point it at the cows and build ourselves a space ship!
We'll find the others in no time! We can even build a Bovine
Detect-O-Matic! There'll be no stopping us! Wow..."
"Er, yes..." said the Dark, Shadowy figure, and was
interrupted.
----
"Hello," said Florence, who was in the wrong place. "Have you
seen Dougal anywhere?"
"Time for bed!" said Zebedee. "I blame the signposting
myself."
"Aye," said Mr. McHenry, scottishly.
"Au reviour," said Dougal, in French.
Rachel watched the party pass by her with the serenity and peace
of a cow that's only just found some grass to eat, has survived
a collapse of reality and is currently trying to stop itself
from flying due to a powerful Work Field that is enveloping it.
"Hey, like play it cool, sister," said Dylan.
Rachel fainted, and began to fall over...
"Well that was different," said the Dark Shadowy Figure. "It's
not.. " - THUMP (...and fell over...) - ".. often you see that
sort of thing, is it?"
"No," said Diggy.
He looked at the cows clustering around the lumpy form of
Rachel, and picked up the WoFiSOM. He'd call it Harold. It was a
good name. He'd always wanted to be called Harold.
"Let's see what you can do," he said to it.
"You'd be surprised," said Harold "And you're about to find
out..."
-+* To Be Continued! *+-