Fred 79

Issue 79

Magazine

AC                     Hey Ho Let's Go!


  Howdy, FRED chums, how's life treating you?  Good?  That's
great.  You may notice that I'm doing the editorial this issue
instead of Colin  -  that's because Colin is working hard
revising for his exams.  I don't know why he bothers, to be
honest.  I just flick through a book the night before and try
not to worry.  Never did me any harm.  Pah.

  Mind you, Colin does have about ten exams or something stupid,
and I only have one.  Har de har.


  Anyway, it looks like I'm doing most of this issue, apart from
a few bits which Colin is going to write - damn exams.  As if I
haven't got enough on my plate, y'know?  I'm leaving for America
in two weeks, and I've got to get another issue of Crashed out
before then, too...


AC                        Mystery Man


  Two things are bothering me. 1) In Ando's show report (No 79)
he mentioned that Bob Brenchley was upset with him for printing
Stewart Skardon's harsh review of SAM Elite (the game, not the
computer).  Well, why is Bob upset?  As everybody knows, Frank
Broughton runs Revelation Software, and Bob's company only
handles the mail-order distribution.  Perhaps Frank will read
this and express his own opinions on the matter.  I just can't
work out why Bob is bothered about it, that's all.


  And: 2) Why does chocolate taste better when it's a hollow
oval shape (i.e. an easter egg)?  You don't get half as much
chocolate, and it costs loads more, but it tastes gorgeous.
Isn't that strange?  Mmmmmm... chocolate.  [Co-editor opens
mouth and dribbles, then goes to the chocolate machine for some
chocolate...]


AC                     Colonic Irrigation


  Ooh!  I'm on to my third page now!  Blimey... I don't know
what to write.  How about some news?  Well, Fred Publishing's
new game, COLONY, should be out in the very near future... and
we mean it.  No, really.  This time, when we say soon, we mean
soon.  Not in six months like we did with Kaboom, even though
that wasn't our fault.  It was Wayne's!  Yeah, Wayne  -  I'm
going to send the heavies 'round to sort you out!


  Ahem.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah, Colony.  I haven't seen it
personally, but Darren tells me it's the tops, and is basically
Sim City on the SAM.  Well, I hope it is.  I don't have a
release date yet, so I'm not going to give you one or anything.
Send a stamped SAE to Darren at the Fred Publishing address, and
he'll send you some blurb about it, no doubt, or give him a ring
and tell him to give me a 500% pay rise.


AC                    Not A Shameless Plug


  Right, this is not a shameless plug: Crashed is moving
address.  And telephone number.  And, erm, editor.  The
pressures of editing such a high-powered and popular magazine
have got the better of me (i.e. I can't be bothered with it any
more), and I'm standing down as editor.  I'm still going to
write for Crashed, but as of June the 20th, the address is...

[redacted]

  ...so don't be sending any orders to [redacted] anymore.
Mark Sturdy, who started and edited Crashed for it's first year,
is taking the managing helm, and is being joined at the editor's
desk by Stewart Skardon, bastion of the SAM scene.  Sorry, did I
say bastion?  Heh heh... only kidding Stew!

  The king is dead!  All hail the kings!  (Or something.)


CA                       Hey, Hey Kids

Dum dum duuum.  It's me, Colin.  I'm back, and back with a
vengance.  It's been months since I typed on the SAM, but
believe me it feels good.  Just lovely.

Anyway, the bad news is that I, to put it nicely, made a hash of
my exams.  Not a huge hash, more sort of a medium hash - browned
on the outside if you like.  This means I'm going to have to
work hard next year, which means there's no way I can hold down
a Securicor job, FRED, work, going out and Home and Away all at
the same time.  Something's got to go.  The good news is that
I'm going to jack in Securicor.  Full concentration on FRED from
now on.  I was mulling over the idea of giving up FRED, and some
nasty e-mails from some cretin didn't help, but then Darren
rang me up and he's a good bloke and I turned on the SAM and
read an issue of FRED (a little vain maybe) and I thought, what
a wonderful machine.  Crap pay, but a much better job than
Securicor.  So, I'm with FRED for another year, giving it my
full support, putting right what once went wrong and hoping each
time that the next leap will be the leap home.
CA                    The Riverboat Thong

I'm afraid I deserve a slap round the back of the head.  Over
the last few weeks, I've been deserting to another computer.
Not only that, it's a console.  A Playstation to be exact.  I'm
sorry, I couldn't help myself.  There was a Colin magnet
cunningly attached inside Mirco Machines V3 and I felt the need
to indulge myself in it's grip for hours every day.

However, three days ago I pulled myself away and just a quick
play on Football League Manager was all it took to bring me back
into the SAMs clutches (even though my TV screen is constantly
covered in interference and my SAM needs a clean even more than
Allan does).

I got Crashed yesterday (see companies, I will plug your stuff
if you send it to me).  A brilliant article in the middle about
the last few years on the SAM, although if anyone could inform
me who drew the "hilarious" picture of me, I would be most
grateful.  Revenge will be mine.

CA                      Bumble Bee Soup

Onto some more jolly news, Darren has had his first proper job
and has had to apologise on my behalf!  I must say that Darren
is actually much better than Colin at telling me off.  He puts
on a very serious voice, most commendable.  I'm not supposed to
talk about all this lark, but I should point out that I was told
by my ex-boss to run the Steven Pick article, and obviously they
were not my own views and whoever claims I changed it is talking
crap.  On the Blitz front, I was told by the programmer of a
game that he said Malcolm couldn't use it but it turns out he
did tell Malcolm he can use it.  I don't know why one of us was
lied to, but it is unfortunate.  Malcolm has seemed to come out
harshly of a situation that wasn't his fault after all.  And
maybe my comments were a teensy bit harsh.  Well, OK, they were.
Never mind.  Sorry.

Let's hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about telling
fibs and let's all be friends again.

I'll write something here so I don't leave a gap.
CA                      As Time Goes By

As Allan has hinted in his shameless plug, he's jetting off to
America.  In fact, by my watch, he jetted off yesterday.  Jammy
jammy jammy sod.  Some of us have to eat economy bread, you
know.  And our idea of a holiday is going to Sainsbury's to buy
it, never mind months in America.  But I'm not bitter.

Anyway, this leaves me at the helm once again, meaning I have to
do everything, including all the boring stuff (boo).  It also
means there's more chance of the issue going out on time (tee
hee). Actually, Darren says I may see a pay rise if the issue
gets out by the 16th, or something like that, so you never know.
I'll have nothing to do all holidays, so we may get back on
target.

It also means we may just be able to run another FFL.  This time
you can all enter, and we won't tell Macdonald about it either.
More about that next month.

By the way, I've got loads of Star Wars Tazos.  Fantastic.
CA                     Glastonbury On Sea

I'm off to Glastonbury in a few days, which means I'm going to
have to pull my ear in about deadlines.  A fantastic line-up
this year.  I've been planning my days already, working out how
to get to see everyone I want to and how to completely miss
stuff like The Prodigy (proabably not a statement which agrees
with most readers).

The reason I'm going is because FRED has taken the lighting
contract for the Pyramid Stage, so we'll be needing twenty SAMs
all hooked up together and LOTS of clever programming from Simon
Cooke to get all those flashy effects underway.  Let's just hope
he can get the programs written in time, else Radiohead are set
to sue for £16 million.

If I come back alive then I'll probably give you a huge pile of
ranting about it next issue, so look forward to skipping through
that.  Incidentally, I come back on the 30th June, which just
happens to be my 20th birthday.  I wonder if I'll get any cards
this year....
CA                      Insult to Injury

Just to add a little salt to the wound, what happens this
morning?  I get a card from Colin Macdonald.  Not a birthday
card though.  A postcard.  From, yes, you guessed it, America.

I reckon there's been some big conspiracy, you know.  I reckon
that sales of FRED software at the last show were mammoth,
probably into the millions.  Then, as I turn away to attend to
another customer, Colin and Allan hide some of the money.  They
agree to "lose" 2,995,000 pounds and claim to me that the show
wasn't quite as busy as it may first have appeared.  Next thing
you know, Colin and Allan end up in America sipping champagne
and gambling thousands in Las Vegas.  Meanwhile, Colin builds a
Digitised Automatic Replies & Releases Electronical Networker
(D.A.R.R.E.N) which merely simulates his job while I sit in a
student house in Nottingham and continue my tortorous job.

It's all beginning to make sense...

Never mind, let's have the disk contents.
AC                       Disk Contents


DDD     In slot D this issue, we've got Blast Turbo.  Do you
D  D    remember James R Curry's game, "Blast", from Fred 56?
D   D   Well, this isn't Blast II or anything, more of a
D   D   Blast Plus.  It's faster (that's the main benefit),
D  D    the colours have changed, and there's a few other
DDD     additions, as well.



EEEEE   Behind door E this issue we've got a 3D engine,
E       believe it or not.  No, it really is a 3D lasndscape
EEE     generator!  Prophex wrote it to help him write one
E       on an IBM-compatible PC.  The program is so big that
E       it's had to be compressed into two sections, so you'll
EEEEE   need a blank disk to decompress it onto.



AC                       Disk Contents


FFFFF   Upon pressing F, you will chance upon a little
F       utility called CAT TWO.  This is a fairly useful
FFF     program that keeps track of your disks and what's on
F       them.  I had a similar thing for the Apple Mac, so
F       there must be a demand in the SAM community for this
F       sort of thing. Requires MasterDOS and MasterBASIC.



 GGG    I holds the E-Tunes, as usual.  This issue, they're
G   G   all from MAT of ESI's World Wide Web site on the
G       Internet, so they're probably all by Ziutek.  I don't
G  GG   know who got them from there, to be honest, 'cos there
G   G   wasn't a name on the disks.  It could've been Darren,
 GGGG   but whoever it was deserves a big round of applause.
        [Here, here! - CA]


AC                       Disk Contents


  H  H
  H  H   In L we have the usual selection of modules, for use
  HHHH   with Stefan Drissen's MOD player from Fred issue 75.
  H  H   They're lovely, and were nicked from the Internet by
  H  H   the incredibly marvellous Prophex.
  H  H



 M   M   Contains the ADVERTISEMENTS.  And there are NEW
 MM MM   ADVERTS on there this issue, so read them else
 MMMMM   there will be trouble.  I've updated the Format ad,
 M M M   too, so that a) the phone number is right, and b) it
 M   M   doesn't say "PUBLICTIONS" any more.  Yes, that's
 M   M   right, there are now no spelling errors in Foormet.



AC                       Disk Contents


  JJJJJ   And within N we Bits N Bobs has two programs. Mine
     J   converts plain text files so that they'll work with
     J   ProType (Fred 60), and Prophex (there he is again!)
     J   has sent in a thing called GM-TRK v2.0  -  it's
  J  J   something to do with playing E-Tracker music in Games
   JJ     Master, which only fruity people do.



  That's yer lot for the Disk Contents.  Sorry this issue is a
little short on the pressy-buttons front, but if you do a
DIRectory of this disk, you'll see that there's hardly any K
left on the disk, so you're still getting your money's worth.

  The main reason why it's short is because we haven't had
enough contributions!
                           (Rant continued over page...)

AC                           Rant

  We need your games, screens, programs, utilites and so on,
otherwise more issues will have as many main menu items on it as
this.  Please get typing, and Fred Magazine will continue to
exist as you know it.  It doesn't matter how bad you think you
are at programming, or how small your programs are, it's sending
them in that matters most, and Fred Magazine can't survive
without your help.  Thankyou for listening....


  Finally from me this issue, I'm leaving for the US in a couple
of weeks, and won't be back until late August, which means that
I probably won't be back until issue 82!  I'm going to try to
send in America Reports, but I don't know if I'll have time or
not.  Anyway, keep happy, and I'll see you in September.

  Farewell, sweet SAM-people.  Thou art nobler than something
that's really noble.


AC                       Ciao, babes!

Lisa Simpson   :  Allan "Little girl" Clarkson  *
Barney Gumball :  Colin "Alcoholic" Anderton
Ned Flanders   :  Darren "Okely-dokely" Wileman

The workers at SNPP:

Prophex
Dave Marriot
Mat/Ziutek of ESI                              FRED PUBLISHING
James Curry                                    [redacted]
Michael Bowen (I think...)
Richard Quirk
Matthew Dobby
Batchelors Foods

* - this line modified from Allan's by CA
----------------------------------------------------------------




                          Disclaimer


  All software and textual matter within Fred Magazine are
copyright of the individual authors.  The magazine as a whole is
(C) 1997 Fred Publishing.  All information is believed to be
correct, and the views expressed within Fred Magazine are not
neccesairily those of the management or of the editors.







----------------------------------------------------------------
                         The Last Word









                    "
                       I bent my wookie.
                                          "

Letters

                   Letter From Richard Quirk

Dear FREDdies,

    Hi it's me again.  It's Easter now and I'm back home (The
Isle of Man) from University (Simon DeMonfort).  That means I've
just caught up on, ooh, 4 issues of FRED and there's some pretty
amazing things on them too.  And of course, your editorials and
general chit chat are as funny as ever.  Ie. not!!!  Only
joking!!

    Actually, speaking of which, how do you write your
editorials?  I've been wanting to do my own version of FRED just
for a laugh, but how do I get that authentic FRED feel?

    Anyway, who's this new Allan geezer?!?  What did he crawl
out from under?  Ha ha!!  No, he works well actually, and if it
means FRED comes out on time (well, more on time!) then that's
brill.  Is he really not old enough to drink?  Ha ha!  I am.

    Ooh, I'm running out of things to say.  I suppose I
                   Letter From Richard Quirk

should've thought of something last term.  Too much drama
coursework to do to think properly.

    Did you vote in FHM's sexiest women poll?  Gillian
Anderson comes first for me ever time (fnar).  I never miss an
episode of the X-files.  Get some more X-files screenshots.
Also, does anyone have the X-files music on MOD or E-tunes?

    I'm going to go and order Kaboom! now.  Sounds ace!!

                      Smoke me a kipper,

                             Rich






CA                   Reply To Richard Quirk

Hi Rich.  Does postage cost more to the Isle of Man?  Hmm.

I do my editorials on Outwrite V2.  Old, but damn useful.  If
you press SHIFT and right arrow it skips an exact FRED page,
making editing dead easy.  Writing editorials is actually quite
an interesting thing to do - until you run out of ideas (for the
thirtieth month in a row).

Allan crawled out from Leeds.  He actually lives in some dodgy
village about 10 miles out of Leeds which looks like a bomb hit
it.  To be honest, Allan is now old enough to drink, but he
still gets asked for ID at the bar on regular occasions.  He
takes his passport out with him!  Ho ho.

Yes, I did vote in FHM's sexiest women poll.  I sent them an
e-mail.  However, I'm about to make a startling statement which
could very well sink my popularity (if that's possible).
Gillian Anderson doesn't come in my top ten.  In fact, not in my
top 100 probably.  Sorry but it's true.  I had Louise as top,
CA                   Reply To Richard Quirk

and of course Shannon second.

Still, regardless of my humble opinions on women (after all,
it's not like I'll ever get the chance to turn Mrs. Anderson
down), I'll keep putting pictures of her on.  In fact, we got a
disk of them the other day (she's in her underwear in one).

Interesting little thing that will probably interest you.  You
know the knew Gossard girl, Sophie Anderton?  That's my sister.
So stop perving on her, please.  It upsets me.

Enjoy Kaboom and I expect a letter next time you're home.  In
fact, how do you get home?  Do you have to fly?  How strange.






                   Letter From Matthew Dobby

Dear Colin,

    Where's my copy of Kaboom?  Gimme gimme gimme.

    Also, did I leave a red jumper at the Leeds show?  Either
that or my mum's chucked it out.

                            Cheers,

                              Maf









CA                  Reply To Matthew Dobby

Erm, your copy of Kaboom is slightly delayed due to the time gap
between Liverpool and the rest of England...

Really though, apologies for the delay.  I no longer know what's
going wrong.  All the code is finished, so I can only assume
it'll be with you in the near future.

As for your red jumper, I think I saw it on the bring and buy
stand.  Stewart Skardon probably bought it because he buys
everything.  Try him.









                     Letter From Batchelors


Dear Mr Anderton,

Thank you for your recent letter from which we were delighted to
learn how much you enjoyed your recent purchase of a 100g packet
of Batchelors Tandoori Supernoodles.

It is always encouraging to receive a letter such as this.  We
are very proud of the success that this product has achieved
since its launch and we very much hope that we will be able to
maintain your enthusiasm and support for it.

We do appreciate the time that you have taken in writing to us.
 Feedback such as yours is invaluable in the continuous
development of our brands and I have passed a copy of your
letter onto our Marketing Department.

As a valued customer we do hope that you will accept the enclsed
as a gesture of our good will and we hope that all future
                     Letter From Batchelors

purchases will be to your complete satisfaction.

Yours sincerely

Jayne Pratt (Mrs)
Customers Services Manager

Enclosure(s)
   3 * Batchelors 50p Voucher










CA                    Reply To Batchelors

Admittedly this letter isn't quite so computer related, but you
can see the amusement in it.  I wrote to them for a laugh
telling them how I loved their new Supernoodles but couldn't eat
them the day I got them because a mate was drunk and he'd have
stolen them.

I then told them to get Sainsbury's to stock them and posted it
with a 2nd class stamp, and lo and behold, £1.50 in vouchers!  A
sound investment and a fantastic waste of time!  Hurrah!

This approach will also get you vouchers from Heinz and Jolly
Ranchers, but I haven't been bored enough to try anyone else
yet.  Anyone else got any experience in this field???

More computer related letters next month (hopefully).